In My Brain While Sleeping

In My Brain While Sleeping… Taylor Swift Returns To SNL (And I Suggest A Skit!)

Posted on by sgottahurt

(I had this dream before I recently revisited New York.  That trip will be an upcoming tale I’m sure you will care less about than this trip.  You most likely don’t even care about this thing that happened In My Brain While Sleeping, and I’ve already lost you.  Have I lost you?  No…?  I guess if I lost you before reading this, you would have no idea I even cared that you were gone.  Because I do.  It helps my hit counter.  But I guess it counts as a hit whether you keep reading or not, so moving on…)

*Le sigh*

In this dream, singer (and now Actor!) Taylor Swift was making her second appearance on Saturday Night Live.

I was in the audience and a participant of the Try Out as a Comedy Writer Program.

I suggested a skit, and the producers ran with it.

The concept was this: Swift was trying to sell a baby on the black market to none other than Kristen Wiig (she’s like in every skit).

The lovely chanteuse messed up line the punchline about taking the baby for one million dollars, instead of selling.

Wiig’s character finally agrees, and Swift hands the baby over.  But the catch is that the infant has a tail (like that one baby in India), but it’s more like a boa.

A little bit of this mixed with a little bit of that...

I ended up meeting the baby later and it could talk, à la Baby Herman from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

That catch was he had a beard, à la Chippy from Tim and Eric’s Awesome Show Great Job!

A little bit of this mixed with a little bit of that...

WTF is wrong with my subconscious?

In My Brain While Sleeping… What’s Wrong With My Subconscious?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I don't get it either, Catherine, and it was my dream.

This dream played like a movie starring Actor! Catherine O’Hara.   To begin, she and her family lose their home, so they move into a college dorm.

Upon arriving, they realized they packed their dog in the luggage and it peed over all her suits.

Suit case. Dog. Internet win.

(Oh yeah… it should be mentioned that she pretended to be a man a long time ago to “compete in a man’s world” and become an executive at her office, until they fired her and forced her to relocate to the college dorm.)

You're not fooling anybody, Mary Poppins.

In this new town with new possibilities, she interviews for a new job, still playing a guy.  The new twist on her old method – the guy she’s playing will be playing Dorothy in the company’s new Wizard of Oz cross promotion.

Meanwhile, the boss falls in love with him, knowing she’s a her the whole time.

Truly, the only cool part was the fight scene in the falling house.  During the tornado scene, Dorothy kicked the Wicked Witch’s ass.  It was a lot like the Matrix, except the aerial acrobatics made sense…

…even though this dream did not.

Why? Why not.

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Buried Life Meets Darkwing Duck

Posted on by sgottahurt

Do Not Try This At... IHOP

The Buried Life is a rare treat on MTV… hell, make that TV in general.

It follows four Canadian friends as they embark on crossing items off of their bucket list.  As they seek to accomplish their various feats, they also help others complete things they want to do before they die.  It’s all quite positive.

This dream I had served as an origin story for the guys.  One of them (I assume Dave) had this item on his list:

Freeze a microwave and then use it… like a reverse TV dinner.

I don’t know the steps involved in the process, but basically, he ends up blowing up the house.  And that’s the reason they leave in their big purple bus, Bessie.

Another thing I can’t quite recall is what their first mission happened to be, but this image might give a clue about the first “person” they helped:

I wanted this to turn out better...

It was Launchpad McQuack, formerly of DuckTales and Darkwing Duck.

He was trying to find Gosalyn Mallard, adopted daughter of Darkwing Duck’s alter-ego, Drake.  So the crew gathered in the bus and began the search.

"Look! There she is!"

There she is indeed.

DREAM INGREDIENTS: Bagels… with peanut butter on it.

In My Brain While Sleeping… Peanut Butter Dream Theory

Posted on by sgottahurt

Skippy = Trippy

I’m really beginning to think I have my thumb on the pulse of my weird dreams.

EATING PEANUT BUTTER

These dream elements are merely that, without narrative.  But each of these happened the nights I went to sleep after eating peanut butter, either on a bagel or in Reese’s Pieces.

EXHIBIT A
The Strange Reincarnation Metaphor

On the list of possibilities of what happens after we die, reincarnation falls below nothing for me.  It’s kind of hard to wrap my head around.  But I have considered, if it does happen, maybe it’s not the path for everyone.

Much like how in this dream I had a variety of snacks growing out of the entirety of my right arm.  My forearm was covered in smaller snacks, like Lifesaver mints and Good & Plenty’s (though not Reese’s Pieces).  The closer to my neck, the larger the treats became, culminating in pretzel rods protruding like crystal spikes from my shoulder blades.  I resembled a candy aisle version of Superman’s enemy, Doomsday:

There's a good chance those spikes are rock candy...

So what’s the reincarnation connection?  All the foods could be snapped off and were completely (and grossly) edible, and most, but not all, of them would grow back.  Like they were reincarnated, you see.  It made sense in that dream sort of way – don’t think about it too much.

EXHIBIT B
Summer Never Ends at the Jersey Shore

Was it necessary for my subconscious to dream up this exchange?

Angelina to Snooki –

You are to Cheetos what I am to popcorn.

Whatever that means.

Are they making the same face, or am I cross-eyed?

And that’s the situation… when I eat peanut butter and fall asleep.

In My Brain While Sleeping… M&M’s Meet Yu-Gi-Oh!

Posted on by sgottahurt

I might have had a million dollar idea In My Brain While Sleeping.  Consider this posting my poor man’s copyright. 

In this dream, I happened to be in the toy section of a department store (surprise), and on one of the end caps I saw new candy display. 

Bright blue bags of what appeared to be M&M’s filled the pegs, but they were called something different:It was a new candy/trading card-type game, like Pokemon or Yu-Gi-Oh!  Basically, it was played like so… 

  1. Kids would buy a package (or more) of em-em-oh’s!
  2. They’d face off against each other by opening their packs.
  3. Upon discovering what character they had, they would battle their friends using the different colored M&M’s found inside as points.
  4. As you lost points, you’d eat your candies.
  5. Last one with candy left wins!
  6. Each candy would have its own attribute:
  • Blue candies = amount of magic
  • Red candies = amount of life
  • Yellow candies = amount of money
  • Orange candies = amount of friend points
  • Brown candies = amount of land

The good guys would be called fren-em-em’s, while the bad guys would be called en-em-em’s. 

(Not So) Artistic Representation of the "eMnivore"

The entire concept would be a branching out against of the proconceived notions about M&M’s, much like how Bionicle expanded Lego’s brand. 

Food fight!

And they game would be replayable!  You’d send in wrappers to get actual trading cards, and there would even be chasers – those rare wrappers with exclusive characters. 

Once kids have the first series, others would follow.  When new battles were waged, players would grab random handfuls of M&M’s, so future sales would remain stable, and possibly increase. 

The only setback I see is parents of fat kids blaming em-em-oh’s! for their children’s woes. 

My response to that: at least they’re playing with their food before eating. 

DREAM INGREDIENTS: I was probably eating Reese’s Pieces before falling asleep.

In My Brain While Sleeping… What Happens In Vegas, Stays Up In The Air

Posted on by sgottahurt

As it turned out, I could fly.  Normally, in dreams where I can fly, I have to flap my arms like wings.  This was the first dream I can recall where I willed my body into flight.

And I wasn’t alone.  There was a small troop of us that possessed this ability.

It was a little bit of this...

...mixed with the awe of this.

We lived in Las Vegas, and rather than use our abilities for the benefit of humanity, our leader – let’s call him Jimmy – devised a way for us to make some serious cash.

Rather than put on a garish stage production, Jimmy approached the big wigs that were opening a new casino, and he pitched a live interactive event.  He worked up plans that involved installing a pulley system throughout the casino that would be operated in the upper floors.

The concept – angelic beings (he would never call us actual angels) would fly around the casino, serving drinks, performing security, etc.

The big wigs bit, and our troop got the gig.  Millions upon millions of dollars were made, and us “angelic beings” were the talk of the town.

The scam was this – we may have had pulley cords tethered to us, but we pretty much flew around the casino wherever we wanted.  Nobody could understand our maneuverability, but that’s why people would spend big bucks to see us.

One day, as my friend – let’s call her Sapphron – and I were out at an expensive restaurant on the strip, a shiny green suited, big sunglasses wearing, fuzzy striped hat adorned man joined our table with his scantily clad female friend.  He bought us drinks and brought up our operation.

I thought he was really nice, but Sapphron caught on instantly.  He was simply a pimp trying to get his ho’s into our aerial act, as a new form of marketing.

By the point I believed Sapphron (apparently I was very naive), the pimp had already spent tons of money on us for the night, and he was asking to check out our facilities.  Sapphron and I obliged out of guilt for accepting all the food and drinks he bought that night, or out of fear for our lives.

We took him back to the casino to meet Jimmy.  We didn’t know what was going to happen.  As the two met, the tension in the room rose exponentially.  I looked at Sapphron, at the ho, at the pimp, then at Jimmy.  Then I woke up.

Sucks to leave an ending up in the air, eh?

In My Brain While Sleeping… Fictional Character’s Children Don’t Share

Posted on by sgottahurt

30 Rock, oh 30 Rock, how much do I love thee?  Apparently enough to dream about you on more than one occasion.

Or at least this guy:

Tracy Morgan and Tracy Jordan

In this particular brain drain, I was spending Christmas with the Jordan family.  I had bought Tracy Jr. a guitar, and I couldn’t wait for him to open it up so I could play it.

Once dinner was finished, he opened it and I helped put the guitar together (because for some reason, assembly was required).

Somebody 30 Rocked this guitar.

Once I tuned the six-stringer, I readied to strum.  But he wouldn’t let me.  Even after I reminded him that I bought it for him, and that I put it together, he still shook his head, arms outreached.

I handed it over, sort of peeved, and woke up.

DREAM INGREDIENTS: A late night helping of pizza sticks… and an episode of 30 Rock.

In My Brain While Sleeping… A Two-Headed Telepathic Gorilla, For Starters

Posted on by sgottahurt

Ever have the woman you love turned into a cougar jaguar?

Not this kind of jaguar, but I wish.

And on top of that, she couldn’t understand you (and of course, you couldn’t understand her), so then you had to employ this guy:

"A GoGorilla"

A double-noggined telepathic silverback gorilla that could speak English in my brain while sleeping.  He would pluck my thoughts and put them in my lady, and vice versa.

(SIDENOTE: Apparently he could speak jaguar… or he was pulling a fast one on me, because the thing is that no matter what my girlfriend said through Mr. DeBergerac, she still acted an awful lot like a jaguar.  Especially when we were alone together and she’d try to kill and eat me.)

So in honor of my lady-love, here’s a long distance dedication:

No wait, that’s a panther!  I’m sorry honey!  I’ll never look at another black cat!

I mean after her...

In My Brain While Sleeping… Betty White As A Bad Guy

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve had a plethora of strange dreams leading up to the new year, but just as the memories of yesteryear have faded, so did those dreams by the time I (finally) woke up.  This one stuck with me.

"Welcome to My 'Ool - Notice There's No... Room"

There was a party going on at a castle, and I was keeping the free drinks coming (of course).  A volleyball game was starting in the pool, but it was packed to the gills (pun!), and my interest in playing was circling down the drain (pun?).

Sure, it was only over-filled to volley for complete pool possession (the winning side got to play), but I’d already made my way indoors.  I found a doorway that lead to a small underground city.  It was kind of like the old game Doom…

With less monsters, and better graphics

…but more medieval, like a Renaissance Festival.

That's about the right amount of monsters

I was creeped out by the panhandlers and the merchants, so I returned upstairs to hit the free bar again (of course).  It was upon reaching the inner sanctum of the castle that I stumbled upon an authentic pub.  Or at least it was like a hotel version of one.

Aaron Eckhart and Anne Hathaway were there... for some reason

All of the sudden, from a hidden door behind the bar, Betty White emerged, looking like a (foreign) assassin.  Or I guess it could have been a foreign assassin disguised to look like Betty White.

"Thank you for being a fiend..."

She grabbed Anne Hathaway and ducked back into the door.  As Aaron Eckhart pursued, I finished my drink and followed.  We were back in the caverns, but they looked more like the tunnel that bridges (pun!) Detroit and Windsor, than the dingy dungeon from before.

This is an old photo.

Except there were copious amounts of bees and rats.

This is a doctored photo.

Aaron was terrified of the bees and rats and was ready to turn back, when a chain of shopping carts started to roll at him.  He held onto a bar above us as long as possible, but then he gave in a rode on top of them.  I ended up doing the same because I wanted to recreate the only good scene my favorite scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

"It's mine cart now!" - dialogue cut from the final film

I caught up with Aaron and we decided to look for Anne.  Then I woke up.

DREAM INGREDIENTS: I’m not sure.  But this is the second dream I’ve recently had involving one of the last surviving Golden Girls…

In My Brain While Sleeping… FunnyLightSwitches.Com

Posted on by sgottahurt

When my alarm started going off, this website reverberated in my head:

FunnyLightSwitch.com
FunnyLightSwitch.com
FunnyLightSwitch.com

Just like those HeadOn commercials, I thought about it all day.

FunnyLightSwitch.com
FunnyLightSwitch.com
FunnyLightSwitch.com

There was only one in particular that I remembered.  On this dreamed up website (the URL was still available last time I checked), they turned the infamous, allegedly dirty, C-3PO trading card into a light switch. 

FunnyLightSwitch.com
FunnyLightSwitch.com
FunnyLightSwitch.com

I don’t know what else could have been on such a blog, as this was the best material I could find…