A Handful Of… Foods I Will Never Try

I’m not an adventurous sort when it involves my taste buds… which is a terrible way to put I don’t like a lot of different foods.  So this post won’t include anything “shocking” unless you consider #4 unsettling.

Here it is!  The short list you’ve been dying for!  A Handful Of Foods I Will Never Try!

1) BANANA SPLIT

The sexual innuendos are innumerable.

What’s wrong with a banana split?  Sure, I enjoy (most) flavors of ice cream and whip cream, and though I’m no fan of cherries, they can easily be removed.  What’s wrong with a banana split?  The banana!

2) OCTOPUS

I tried to find the most appetizing presentation to be fair. This won. And lost.

I’m no fan of seafood (nor mollusks), but I have tried:

  • shrimp (gross)
  • lobster (gross)
  • escargot (not bad, but once was enough)
  • sushi (not bad – could try again)

I draw the line at octopi.  You could say it’s a Red Wings thing.

3) JELLIED PIG’S FEET

Only thing worse: Jello'd Pig's Feet

This shouldn’t be on this list because it’s obvious, and could be tied into #4, but it’s made the list because IT’S BEEN OFFERED TO ME.  IN PERSON.  AT A FRIEND’S HOME.  (When we were kids, but still…)

4) ANYTHING FROM REALITY SHOWS

See also: Survivor Chow

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or Joe Rogan) to deduce that I would not try anything people eat out of necessity in desolate countries and trick foreigners into eating by dubbing it a local delicacy.

(SIDENOTE: Welcome back, Fear Factor!  And Joe Rogan!)

5) McRib

The modern Halley's Comet.

Food items this has that I don’t like:

  • Barbecue sauce – check
  • Onion slices – check
  • Pickles slices – check
  • Rubbery, pressed meat product – check
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A Handful Of… Non-Halloween Halloween Songs

Halloween is quickly approaching.  So there’s no time like the present to plan out the perfect holiday mix that feels less Halloweenie and more Halloweenus.

Here are A Handful Of Non-Halloween Halloween Songs:

  • Tegan and Sara – Walking with a Ghost
  • Skillet – Monster
  • Warren Zevon – Werewolves of London
  • The Cranberries – Zombie
  • Bloc Party – Hunting for Witches
  • Vampire Weekend – Holiday (anything by them would do…)

(SIDENOTE: The Toadies almost made it with Possum Kingdom because the infamous they say it’s about vampires, but based on the title alone, it seems to be about possums.  Possums can be scary, though…)

A Handful Of… Former Soap Stars You Didn’t Know You Liked

I would guess that except for two people I know that read this blog, no one that reads this blog watches soap operas.  (While in all actuality, no one I know reads this blog…)

Anyboohoo, there are probably some Actors! you like that you didn’t realize were on soap operas earlier in their careers.  And these appearances weren’t just cameos or extras work… legit characters were given life by these fan favorites.  Let’s begin with one that you may know about:

  • Sarah Michelle Gellar – Kendall Hart, All My Children (1993-95)

She played Buffy. She played Daphne. Who can't she play?

WHY YOU LIKE HER: On one hand, the background in the above photo should be a clue.  On another hand, this.

  • Tom Berenger – Tim Seigel, One Life to Live (1975-76)

City Mouse and, um, Country Mouse

WHY YOU LIKE HIM: Come on… he was a bad ass.  Not only was he in both Major League films, he was in Platoon, the first The Substitute, and three Sniper films.  Grant it – I’ve only seen the baseball comedies.  Did you know there were three Sniper films?!

  • Richard Dean Anderson – Dr. Jeff Webber, General Hospital (1976-81)

All he needs is a paper clip, a gum wrapper... and a mullet.

WHY YOU LIKE HIM: It should be a mantra – MacGyver, Stargate SG-1, MacGyver, Stargate SG-1, MacGyver, Stargate SG-1, MacGyver, Stargate SG-1…  You get it.

  • Alec Baldwin – Billy Aldrich, The Doctors (1980-82) / Joshua Rush, Knots Landing (1984-86)

Everybody used to look like this eventually.

WHY YOU LIKE HIM: This is my controversial entry.  Not just because you may have never heard of The Doctors soap opera (there’s a stupid talk show starring a Bachelor reject with the same name) nor because Knots Landing was a nighttime soap, but because some people don’t like him!  This blows my mind, just like the fact he was on TV waaaay before Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock.  (P.S. Check out Malice if you’ve never seen it.)

  • Christopher Walken – Mike Bauer, Guiding Light (1954-56)

So many choices... I chose this.

WHY YOU LIKE HIM: I was going to close with Rick Springfield until I made this discovery.  I mean, Jesse’s Girl is the never-dying, one-hit wonder I’ve always wished joked that wished I could write, but how many movies would have never made it to production if Walden didn’t get involved?  Blast From the Past, The Stepford Wives, Joe Dirt, Excess Baggage, Balls of Fury, Envy, Country Bears… I should have went with Springfield.

(more here)

A Handful Of… Not-So-Inventive Musicians

When you’re a writer of any type (INSERT TYPEWRITER JOKE HERE), your purpose is – or should be – to bring something new into this world.  I’ve sort of made it my mission to call out “artists” that liberally borrow from other “artists,” but that’s not what I’m talking about this time.  (I will be discussing it again in my next post, though.)

No this is about something else… Not-So-Inventive Musicians, namely in the naming department.  It’s one of those which came first scenarios, except this one’s about a chicken and a chicken (or if you prefer, an egg and an egg).

When I was starting my band experiment, we threw out and tossed out many names.  These are those that stuck for a time:

KAGAL (Kermit and Grover are Lovers)

Monkey Spank Monkey Do (hmm… that sounds familiar…)

oddcookie

Never at anytime did we have any song called (or involving) KAGAL, Monkey Spank Monkey Do, nor oddcookie.  With these bands, that wasn’t the case:

  • Big Country’s In a Big Country
  • Human League’s Human
  • Living in a Box’s Living in a Box
  • Snoop Dogg’s Snoop Dogg
  • Spacehog’s Spacehog
  • Talk Talk’s Talk Talk Talk
  • Meredith Brooks’ Bitch

Why won’t you return my calls?!  And Snookers was our dog, not yours!

(These of course aren’t the only ones… more can be found here and here.)

(More Than) A Handful Of… The Last Creative Aliens Of The Silver Screen

Has Cowboys & Aliens let you down?
Did Battle: Los Angeles and Skyline give you déjà who cares?
Still feeling blue after Green Lantern?
In Thor, the Norse gods are aliens, right?
Did you find Super 8 not so super great?
Did Transformers transform your apathy into a car?
What about Paul?  Did anyone see Paul?

So why am I asking about these films, you may be, um, asking?  They are the latest science fiction fare that brought aliens to the big screen.  And all of them suck.

Did the original Star Wars trilogy, Alien, and E.T. use up all the imagination when it comes to inventing extra extraterrestrials?  We’re talking not since 1983 here, folks!  Well, 1983 brought us Ewoks.  Some people don’t like Ewoks.

Here is (More Than) A Handful Of The Last Creative Aliens Of The Silver Screen (perhaps I’ll do a TV and video game one later)… and I’m not talkin’ ’bout ones that take human form, like Olivia Wilde in Cowboys & Aliens (oops – SPOILER!):

Okay, it’s a plant.  And it’s based on a musical based on a film from 1960.  But don’t try to convince me that watermelon-with-lipstick’s deep voice was expected.

This one’s not too long after the rush of 80’s dreaminess.  But then again, they are basically small flying saucers.  Still, no one tried it before or since (until the inevitable CGI remake).

It took the concept of “all-things-penis” from H.R. Giger’s Alien designs, and ran with “all-things-vagina… and dreadlocks.”

Once again, not too far out there thinking on the surface, but in the end, still brilliant.  Shoot their noses!

Now we’re getting somewhere – mushroom aliens.  These creatures are memorable because of their surprise.  At first they look cute, but when you get closer, they get all see above picture.

Ladies and gents – our first set of alien nipples captured on celluloid!

I shouldn’t have included them because they originated as characters on trading cards in 1962, and because they’re CGI, but I couldn’t include Kang and Kodos since they weren’t in The Simpsons Movie, so here’s my entry for aliens whose heads are in glass helmets.

Another one you could argue that I shouldn’t include, but she was new for the movie, whereas the Borg (which are awesome), were not.  And that’s why the Queen gets a shout out.

Definitely the best alien of the new bunch from a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.  He’s one of the few that benefited from being CGI.  Plus, he was a part of one the best sequences in the prequel trilogy (IMHO).  Was he only cool because he walked on his hands, and used his feet to do everything?  Shut up.

I couldn’t have ended on a better alien.  Probably my favorite alien since E.T.  Or at least since the one with the nipples.

A Handful Of… Characters With Arm (And Hand) Appendages

With Cowboys & Aliens finally upon us, I’d like to point out something I’ve thought since the first trailer.

Doesn’t Daniel Craig’s arm weapon remind you of Leela’s arm thingee in Futurama?

"You accusin' me of poachin'?"

"Darn tootin' I do."

But then that got me thinking… there are more than a few people who have similar accessories, so I bring to you this list.  Presenting A Handful Of Characters With Arm (And Hand) Appendages!

  • Hellboy from, um, Hellboy

I hoped you wouldn't notice.

It could be a weapon; it could be his hand.  All I remember is it was bigger than his other hand.

  • Ash from Army of Darkness

Is chainsaw the past tense of chainsee?

When Ash’s hand turned evil, I’m sure he thought it was the worst thing that ever happened to him.  If he had chainseen a chainsaw hand in his future, he might not have been as upset.

  • Dr. Igoe from Innerspace

Blowtorch hand FTW.

You might not recall this movie, or this bad guy with interchangeable hands, but sadly, I will not forget one of them – dude had a dildo hand.

  • Nathan “RAD” Spencer from Bionic Commando

This is not your 8-bit commando.

I haven’t played the recent version of this classic, but the original was the shizz.

  • Mega Man from Mega Man

Mega Man has a mega hand.

Mega Man 3 was the first video game I ever beat.  Or wait… maybe it was Castlevania

How dumb do these toys look?

I had zero interest in getting these action figures as a kid – that’s how terrible the bad guys in The Centurions toy line were.  That being said, I loved the heroes in The Centurions.  I still have my Max Ray and Jake Rockwell figures.

  • Pretty much every character from He-Man (and one from Thundercats)

Fisto - Man-At-Arms - Hammerhand - Clawful - Roboto - Trapjaw

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe were all about gimmicks and puns, and these few selected characters were pure gimmicks and puns.  Thundercats simply ripped that formula off (but the new show looks great BTW).

  • Optimus Prime from Transformers

"Autobots, can here me now?"

I’ve heard rumors that Steve Jobs got the idea for iChat from Optimus Prime.

This whole movie was basically a commercial.

This movie was ridiculous not only for its insanely obvious product placement, but for its story.  A mentally ill kid gets broken out of an insane asylum by Kevin Arnold to go to California and enter a video game competition.  Think Rain Man with Power Gloves.

  • J.P. Pruitt from Zoolander

He was a hand model, you see.

This movie is sadly forgotten by many, but I consider it a comedy classic.  There are so many zany moments, quotable lines, and crazy cameos, like David Duchovny’s above, that if you haven’t seen it, I implore you.  Implore.

HONORABLE MENTION

  • Quarterbacks in the NFL

Crib note much?

(More Than) A Handful Of… My Favorite Robot Sidekicks

Oh my circuits… this list could have went on and on and on and (you get the point).

Once, while in a very altered state, I admitted to wishing that I was a robot.  I’ve since blamed it on the alteredness of my mind, but I can’t deny one thing:

I love robots.

And I always have, ever since watching this show:

No, the Flying Robot is not trying to get Johnny Sokko. Although I do remember him as being quite annoying...

Please join me and my glorious list of (More Than) A Handful Of My Favorite Robot Sidekicks after the jump… Read More