A Handful Of… Acceptable Songs About God

I used to be a fairly religious person, but I’ve grown up.  I could get into arguments over the matter, but this post was enough arguing for me.  Do your thang and I’ll do mine.  That being said, I still can enjoy a clever song about the man/woman/matrix upstairs, and here’s A Handful Of Acceptable Songs About God:

  • Dishwalla’s Counting Blue Cars

It’s a playful tune about looking at the world through the lens of youth.  It also makes God a woman three years before Kevin Smith did.

  • The Caulfields’ Devil’s Diary

The Devil’s just looking for some wholesome lovin’.  And you can’t have God without the Devil.

  • The Fray’s You Found Me

God as a cigarette-smoking bum?  Much better than Joan Osborne’s bus rider

  • XTC’s Dear God

I had a coworker way back in the day that got really mad about this song (or rather, that Sarah McLachlan covered it).  My response?  “You don’t see anybody writing letters to Santa saying he doesn’t exist.”  My coworker didn’t get it.

  • Usher’s OMG

Punchline!

(SIDENOTE: Did you know he says “Oh” seventeen times in a row?!)

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A Handful Of… Things I Want For Christmas

Just in time for Christmas Eve, I’ve assembled a list of containing A Handful Of items I may actually want, even though I told all my loved ones not to buy me anything because I didn’t buy them anything.  Will they listen this year?  Hopefully.  But they haven’t yet, and I feel like a real dick when they do.  Unless that’s what they wanted.  Then they did get a gift from me after all!

So you can keep warm while looking cool.

So you can keep warm while looking cool.

I missed it when this Marc Ecko product had its original run, but aren’t we living in the age of the TripleDoubleU?!  Anything’s possible!  But probably not buy by tomorrow…

This game looks just like you’re playing the TV show.  Do you know how many times I’ve wished Friends would have done that?  Oh, and I should mention this – I would like the 360 pre-order version so I can get Mysterion.  So what if this doesn’t come out until next year.  I can wait.

I will not name him Tony.

I will not name him Tony.

I was just telling my brother the other day that I have three loves in this world:

  1. Robots
  2. Taco Bell
  3. Duets

The other two are kind of off-point, but this little robot would be a nice beginning for my impending robot-infested dominion.

Final words before my inevitable incarceration: "See you all later... you know, because I was secretly video taping you."

Final words before my inevitable incarceration: “See you all later… you know, because I was secretly video taping you.”

My sister actually brought these to my attention, and they haven’t left my consciousness since.  I brought up the possibility of getting these to a few friends, and one deftly responded: “Creepersville.”  My initial interest was genuine – wear this to bars to capture conversation flows or to a soccer game to get a first-person perspective of my awfulness.  But it’s there – right on the fringe of Creepersville no matter my intent.  The only other inevitable problem is that I have enough difficulty living in the moment as it is.  With these, I’ll be living in perpetual time-delay.

A Handful Of… 90’s Rocker Chicks I’ve Never Seen

If you can imagine, there was a time before the TripleDoubleU and YouTube, when I didn’t have… wait for it… cable television.

In this time frame, there were a slew of lady rockers across the airwaves, the likes of Courtney Love and Alanis Morissette.  Those ladies I knew via my subscription to Entertainment Weekly.  But some other ladies – I had no idea what they looked like… UNTIL NOW.

A Tale of Two Marketing Campaigns

This song hit the stations the year the music industry changed.  Whitney Houston had the number one song of the year with I Will Always Love You; number two was Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit.  Hence you get two approaches to selling Sophie B. Hawkins – the Rancid crowd vs. the Rod Stewart crowd.  There were even two different videos (take one and take two… I prefer take one).  She’s not what I’d expect based on the song lyrics, but I wouldn’t have minded fulfilling her wish.

Mazzy Star is not Hope Sandoval

I learned two things while looking this up.  Apparently, Mazzy Star’s style of music is called dream pop.  I didn’t know this was a genre, but it makes sense.  The second thing I learned was Mazzy Star is not she… it’s they:

Mazzy Star is Hope Sandoval AND David Roback

(SIDENOTE: What is it about this song that reminds me of the TV show Friends?)

This girl does not like pants.

This one I’m slightly cheating on because I found out what she looked like when Why Can’t I? came out in 2003.  All I do know is if I had seen her in ’94, I probably would have developed a crush and bought her CD and went to her concert.  But I didn’t.  Money and time saved.  But now that I’ve seen she doesn’t really like shirts either on the TripleDoubleXU in 2012, I feel it’s all come full circle somehow.

Donna Lewis sounds like a fashion designer.

Okay, so she’s really not even close to what would be considered a 90’s rocker, but this song was everywhere.  I never knew what she looked like, and now I do.  That’s all I have to say about that.

A Handful Of… Carly Rae Jepsen Riffs

If you haven’t heard the song Call Me Maybe by Canadian Carly Rae Jepson, consider yourself lucky… or a recluse.

In case you haven’t, here’s a refresher (the video actually made me laugh if you’re willing to put up with the teen pop… apparently, I am):

What’s interesting to note is the amount of comments attributed to mocking her chorus:

Hey, I just met you
And this is crazy
But here’s my number
So call me, maybe?

Here are A Handful Of Carly Rae Jepsen Riffs (borrowed liberally from comments on YouTube):

  1. Hey I just met you/ And this is awkward/ But here’s my number/ Cuz I’m your stalker
  2. Hey, I just met you/ And this is crazy/ My name is Kony/ I stole your baby
  3. Hey, I just met you/ And this is crazy/ I have Alzheimer’s/ Hey, I just met you
  4. Hey, I just pet you/ Dog you’re crazy/ You just bit me/ Now I have rabies!
  5. Hey, I just met you/ And this is crazy/ I’m a pirate/ So call me matey

And here are some pretty good visual ones as well:

A Handful Of… Movies That Are Not Sequels To Other Movies

SIDEDISCLAIMER: This is a dumb idea I’ve had for a while now.  Deal with it. Below you will find A Handful Of Movies That Are Not Sequels To Other Movies.  Why am I doing this, you might ask?  My answer: education.

  • Black Dog / White Dog

One wags, while the other swayze.

Black Dog is an action picture about an ex-con being tricked into smuggling illegal arms. White Dog is a movie starring Kristy McNichol around her ABC School Specialdays, and oh yeah – it’s about a racist dog.

  • Think Like a Man / What Women Want

The themes of the films form some kind of mental Mobius strip. Better yet – Ouroboros… the snake that eats its own tail.

Despite nobody having a clue about either sex (sorry Steve Harvey – not all men operate on such basic levels, and sorry to all involved with What Women Want – women never know what they want), these films might as well be science fiction instead of comedies.

SIDENOTE: Speaking of comedies, want a good laugh?  Cameron Diaz is making a sequel called What Men Want.

  • Act I: Food.
  • Act II: Sex.
  • Act III: Sleep.

Finis.

  • Battleship / Clue: The Movie

I miss the days B4 B9 shit like this was made.

Sure, both are based on board games, but whereas Clue: The Movie was clever, Battleship is sunk by getting handed scrap footage from Transformers 3.

  • Chernobyl Diaries / Princess Diaries

And somewhere in the middle sits The Nanny Diaries.

This one’s just dumb.  Moving on…

Prequels, anyone?

Bill Cosby, you weren’t fooling anyone.  Nor making them laugh.  Not even getting a smile, really…