Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Really Unwanted Typecasting

All Most Actors! have precious egos.  That’s why more often than not, they don’t like typecasting.

Now some Actors! benefit immensely from typecasting.  If they’re weird-looking, they play weirdos; if they’re pretty, they play pretty people.

Don’t tell me Julia Roberts or Brad Pitt weren’t playing Julia Roberts or Brad Pitt in most of their movies.  The only reason Julia Roberts won her Oscar for Erin Brockovich was because she played outside of her type.  She stepped (slightly) beyond her bubble (by showing pushed-up cleavage), just like Halle Berry did (by getting completely naked) in Monster’s Ball and Charlize Theron did (by looking ugly and getting naked) in Monster (those examples are Coinkydinks).

(SIDENOTE: I’m not sure what Sandra Bullock did except get cheated on…)

Anyboobs, Susan Sarandon has had a recurring character this season on 30 Rock.  She’s been playing Lynn Onkman, the former teacher and lover of Frank… or in a word – a pedophile:

His hat should have read, "HOT FOR EACHER"... it's funny because the "T" fell off.

Where the Coinkydink or Coinkydonk comes into play is in Adam Sandler’s new movie, That’s My Boy, her daughter Eva Amurri plays – wait for it – a pedophile.  Or should I say teacher and lover?

BONUS FIND!  Though not in the preview, according to IMDbSusan Sarandon is listed as third in the billing (she portrays her daughter’s character all grown up, ‘natch).

So is it all on accident (Coinkydink)?

Or is it a serious case of typecasting (Coinkydonk)?

Either way, Eva Amurri needs to be in more.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… We Are The World

Just like (almost*) all remakes, We Are the World doesn’t even hold a candle to the original.  The thrill of all those superstars getting together for a great cause was unprecedented… at least for 1985.  No one seemed to be involved for the face time or the advancement of their careers because they already had plenty of face time and stable careers.

Soloists from the 1985 version (known as USA for Africa):

Not one of them (not even Kim Carnes, who had previously won two Grammy’s for Bette Davis Eyes) was an obscure artist.  Sure, chorus had its odd inclusions (Dan Aykroyd and Bette Midler par exemple), but the overall tone of the arrangement felt sincere.  Especially since Madonna wasn’t any part of it.

LINGERING QUESTION: Why didn’t Smokey Robinson get a solo part?

Now before ripping, um, getting into the new Artists for Haiti version, I must give pause to ponder: are my feelings based in nostalgia (which is like an underage female robot), or in actual taste?  Has the concept of this type of project been tainted by the likes of Voices that Care, I’m Fucking Ben Affleck, 30 Rock’s Kidney Now, and Huey Lewis’ I Am the World (videos below)?  Or am I simply jaded?

Without further ado, ughWe Are the World 25 for Haiti (skip to the 1:12 mark to get around the egomaniac that is Jamie Foxx):

Could you make it through the entire thing?  You’re a brave soul indeed.  Now I can’t really fault or knock the intentions or the cause, but here are some things that I can knock:

  • Who the fuck is Justin Baby Bieber and why the fuck is he taking Lionel Richie’s spot?  Oh, he’s a YouTube star?  My bad.  (*wanking motion*)
  • A Pussycat Doll?  Srsly?
  • Academy Award-winning, non-American Idol-winning Jennifer Hudson can sing.  That’s for sure, but compared to the grouping above (save poor Kim Carnes), is she that big of a star?  (I was being figurative, no pun intended… even though I love puns.)
  • Even though I didn’t know who Jennifer Nettles was, I found out she’s from Sugarland.  I know think they’re a popular country band, so she earns her Kenny Rogers card.
  • The next stretch I can approve of: Tony BennettJanet Jackson, and Barbra Streisand. My only problem (besides the reused MJ footage) is it feels like foot-stomping.  (Foot-stomping = “Wah!  I didn’t get my turn!”)
  • Josh Groban and Mary J. Blige are welcome parties, but their presence (see what I did there?) reminded me of their comedy appearances below.
  • Fuck Miley Cyrus.  I don’t mean literally, of course.  Because she’s underage (and maybe a robot).
  • Enrique Iglesias has been around awhile, has family credentials, and brings a Latin flair, so okay.
  • Jamie Foxx simply leaves a bad taste in my mouth, er, ears, or whatever with his Ray Charles impression, so fuck him.
  • Another deserved stretch: Wyclef JeanAdam Levine (of Maroon 5), PinkBeBe Winans, Usher, Celine Dion, Fergie, and Toni Braxton, with passes for Mary Mary (gospel singers) and Isaac Slade (of The Fray).

This is when it turns Just Shitty:

In closing:

  • Why is the Pussycat Doll shown so much?
  • Why weren’t these artists given solos over some of the others: Gladys Knight, Natalie Cole, Faith Evans, or Rob Thomas (amongst others in the chorus)?
  • Srsly, why is the Pussycat Doll shown so much?
  • Why did Paul Haggis have to direct this?  And why couldn’t he get the core soloists together like in the original?
  • What is Wyclef saying at the end of the song?  Unity?  Piety?  R.U.T.?
  • And I just can’t shake the feeling that all these people have the same agent…

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*Dawn of the Dead and The Hills Have Eyes were decent remakes.

In My Brain While Sleeping… Fictional Character’s Children Don’t Share

30 Rock, oh 30 Rock, how much do I love thee?  Apparently enough to dream about you on more than one occasion.

Or at least this guy:

Tracy Morgan and Tracy Jordan

In this particular brain drain, I was spending Christmas with the Jordan family.  I had bought Tracy Jr. a guitar, and I couldn’t wait for him to open it up so I could play it.

Once dinner was finished, he opened it and I helped put the guitar together (because for some reason, assembly was required).

Somebody 30 Rocked this guitar.

Once I tuned the six-stringer, I readied to strum.  But he wouldn’t let me.  Even after I reminded him that I bought it for him, and that I put it together, he still shook his head, arms outreached.

I handed it over, sort of peeved, and woke up.

DREAM INGREDIENTS: A late night helping of pizza sticks… and an episode of 30 Rock.

JusWondering… Who Would You Pay $75 To Ask One Question?


He's so irreverent!

Director Kevin Smith recently announced he was returning to Detroit for one of his Q&A fests, and tickets in “the good seats” are going for $75.  This increases the chance that you can actually A one Q, but is $75 worth it?  On a lucky day, you might be able to get Smith to respond to an inquiry on Twitter, and that’s free.  Besides, would I even have a question that wouldn’t be embarrassing to ask?

My wondering:

Mr. Smith, do you consider yourself a capable director?  Like, could you ever direct a high-minded, genre piece, worthy of an Academy Award nomination?  (SIDENOTE: I threw in the filler word “like” to simulate a Pulitzer Prize nomination worthy question… y’know, to like make it real.)

This got me wondering… who else would I pay $75 to ask a question?

Barack Obama, Steven Spielberg, George W. BushGeorge Lucas?

Sure.  Each one of them would get a humdinger of a wringer”, but who would I pay more than $75 to get to the bottom of things?  Probably just one:


She's so irreverent...

My one-part quiz:

Ms. Fey, can I write for your show?  Here’s a sample of my ability, and it happened In My Brain While Sleeping


*Here’s the others:

  • President Obama, do you believe in the Prime Directive?  Is that dictating your actions?
  • Mr. Spielberg, just why?  A refrigerator?  An army of monkeys?  Seriously!
  • President Bush, wanna play some Frogger?
  • Mr. Lucas… will there be Episodes VII through IX, as they could save Star Wars?  Otherwise, fuck you.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Ferris Bueller – I Mean, Matthew Broderick

When I think of someone who is the epitome of The Shit, my mind immediately conjures Ferris Bueller.  A friend to all, a schemer, a dreamer, and a figment of Cameron Frye’s imagination (?), Matthew Broderick brought the ultimate cool-guy to life (and paved the way as a future archetype for Parker Lewis and Zack Morris).

And in the first half of his career, Matthew Broderick was The Shit.  Need proof?


I don’t think anyone could argue against the fact that these are good movies.

Then this happened:


Sarah Jessica Parker.  Well, it’s her or being in The Cable Guy.*  The cursed Jim Carrey vehicle came out in ’96, and the pair married in May of ’97, so the timing is a little fuzzy, but as a result, this is what followed:


Now don’t get me wrong.  There were a few glimmers of hope peppered in there (independent films, such as Election and You Can Count on Me were great).  And there are some films I haven’t even mentioned.  (I never saw The Producers, so I can’t comment on its quality, but I did see Finding Amanda, and that was pointless.  Therefore, it’s a wash…)  But I’d say the best chance at redemption came through his guest appearance on 30 Rock:



Dubya called him Cooter Burger. Or should I say, "dubbed him."

A good comedy series where he plays a dad that used to be The Shit à la Ferris Bueller might be a cool idea, and a career saver.  It could be called Back In My Day, or something like that.  Say, that’s a really good idea… how do you copyright a blog post?



Or he could make this movie...

*It actually could have been The Road to Wellville that started the slip.  I didn’t count it because it came out the same year as The Lion King, but the film did revolve around colonics – and that’s Just Shitty.

Coast-To-Coast Snug Job A No-Go

How’s that for a headline?  Can’t you just hear the newsies singing screaming that one?  As it turns out, two weekends ago I went to NYC for a Snuggie Pub Crawl (and also met a friend).  This weekend, I went to Seattle to visit a friend… and almost went on a Snuggie Pub Crawl! 


"Pub Crawl or Bust!" - soon to be printed on the front of my Snuggie

Alas, my travelling compadres on this latest sojourn weren’t too keen on picking up some “Slankets” (as they were referred to on last week’s 30 Rock), and we opted for traditional bar hopping, which was just as well.  Albeit Seattle was a tad cooler than New York the week prior (making “blankets with sleeves” more comfy), which is ironic, because NYC is simply ‘cooler.’  No offense, Seattle, but no other city can compete.

SIDENOTE: Whenever I use the word ironic, I’m always afraid I’ll pull an Alanis.  Am I alone in regard to this ‘worry?’

BONUS SIDENOTE: I’d say the biggest difference between the East and West Coasts (or at least New York and Seattle) is what follows the prefix hip-… Do you prefer –sters or –pies?

Anywashington, the trip was a great time.  To conserve my energy, which is a euphemism for I’m feeling lazy today, here are some pics I took with explanatory captions.

Drunken Recollection… The Saga Of New York

Holy Magnolia cupcakes… New York City rocks!  In preparing to tackle the monumental amount of momentous situations that occurred over my weekend in the Big Apple, I thought, “What would be the nerdiest way to unfold such adventures?”

As if it was the Star Wars saga!  (I’m not sure if I’ll do the prequels… I’ll probably do the prequels…)


As we arrived in Newark, NJ (that we being cousin Steve and I), we parked our car in a 24 hour lot, stored our ticket to retrieve said vehicle, and noted that we needed gasoline prior to our journey home.

Realizing we had no idea exactly how we were getting to NYC via the train system (each for our various reasons), we flew by the seat of our pants, as we’re prone to do, and which usually tends to be more expensive.

We walked up some train tracks to find a NJ Transit machine, and luckily, a woman offered to help us the entire way through the process.  She almost missed her train, which ended up being our train as well.  Guilt-free help!

May not be inspiring to the locals, but to a guy from Detroit: "This city is alive!"

May not be inspiring to the locals, but to a guy from Detroit: "It's alive!"

Upon arriving at Penn Station (we thought we were heading to the WTC station – we were way off!), I witnessed a monk wearing a baseball hat and an old man in a super pimped-out Little Rascal cart.  We reached surface level and my first view was this:

We had attained some sizable pamphlets from underground, and after ripping away all the advertisements, we had all the map that we’d need.  We pinned down our location (Madison Square Garden), and our hotel’s location, and we got moving.

On the way, the saw Fuse Network Studios, the Sbarro restaurant that I thought Michael Scott on The Office referred to as “authentic New York cuisine,” and a comic shop that had a Silver Surfer in its window.  (We stopped inside because of this, but not much else was going on.  This is obviously why they have a Silver Surfer in the window.)

"Look up for power lines." "But I don't see anything." "That's good." (Detroiter inside joke)

"Look up for power lines." "But I don't see anything." "That's good." (Detroiter inside joke)

Then I had a chance to take this photo up above.  When I take things like this, I hope to impress my sis that’s a photog.  Eees good, Becks?  (Too bad she doesn’t read this blog.)

I think it's so the pigeons can be comfortable.

I think it's so the pigeons can be comfortable.

At my hotel, we had a nice view of the back of buildings, which I still thought was cool.  For some reason, there were a bunch of pillows, down below. 

Anyhotelincidentals, I have to put the brakes on this post.  To quickly wrap up the rest, we walked from our hotel to 30 Rock because of the show (the skating rink is not as big in person).  We hit up Broadway and Times Square, and figured out how to take the subway down to the World Trade Center reconstruction.  The Statue of Liberty was visible in the distance (has anyone realized her initials are SOL?), and I think we found the area that Will Smith rented jet skis in Hitch (over in the financial district).

Okay, there’s more to come for sure.  Stay tuned!  (I’m losing my TripleDoubleU connection shortly hence the wrap up… EPISODE IV is not finished.)

In My Brain While Sleeping… A Dreamy Episode Of 30 Rock

This dream unfolded as an episode of 30 Rock.  I shall try to capture it for you.





Last night’s skit about President Obama was a success.  All the trades are talking about it.




They’re not speaking positively about it Liz.  You said he was a member of the Illuminati.




We were poking fun at the fact that every president is in the Illuminati.  We don’t want to appear left-winged all the time.  Besides, the Illuminati doesn’t even exist.  I don’t even know what they’re all about.




(running into room, disguised not necessarily as a ninja)Did you hear?  An eight year-old blogger was assassinated uptown because he said he didn’t like the president’s new dog.




That’s ridiculous, Tracey.  Obama would never do that… would… he…


Tracey and Liz visit Jack to discuss the possibility of danger.




The both of you don’t really believe the conspiracy theory that the Illuminati exists, do you?  Let alone the possibility that our latest president could be a part of that organization?  And that he would be willing to assassinate bloggers?




Eight year-old bloggers.





Tell you what.  To appease you both and to provide a sense of safety, why don’t we get that makeup artist in here…




The one that turned Tracey into Robery Downey, Jr?





Yes, that one.  He–


Jack’s office window suddenly shatters and Tracey and Liz flee, screaming.  Jack picks up a found golf ball.




Moonves, isn’t it a bit early for building tee off?






Wow, Toofer… this is a really nice place for the salary we’re paying you.




It didn’t come equipped with windows.  That’s how I can afford it on my salary.  And your welcome, for letting you stay here.




(eating food out of Toofer’s fridge) Thank you.



Liz and Tracey try various hiding places while Jack talks to them.




A week has passed, and no serious threats have been made against your lives.  Can you finally admit that there is no Illuminati?

Liz and Tracey finally stand up and face him.




Yes.  Yes, we can.





(Anonymous voice from speaker phone) That’s sufficient.





You know Jack, Liz and I have learned a lot from this experience.  Like not to jump to conclusions when eight year-old bloggers get assassinated.  And how to make pumpkin pies.  Toofer is a great chef and teacher.


Happy Find… Yes, Let Me Taste Your Tears, Or Puddin’

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve always been a big brother, or if it’s simply because I’m a horrible human being… but the sight of people crying makes me smile. 

Sounds like evil to me.

Obviously, I find this video hilarious:

A question of whether it’s real or not is a moot point to me.  Did we wonder if Pee Wee Herman was a weirdo in real-life while we were enjoying “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure?”  Well, maybe we should have before giving him a kid’s show, but it doesn’t mean he’s still not funny.  Check out his episode from the first season of “30 Rock” or watch this weird bit from “Tom Goes to the Mayor:”

More Abby Elliott!

Since she was not prominently featured yet again on last weekend’s episode of “Saturday Night Live,” here’s Abby Elliott doing another skit for the Upright Citizens Brigade Midnight Show.  Enjoy!

Here’s the new cast member voted most likely to replace Tina Fey – Michaela Watkins.  Enjoy as well!

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