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Awful Battle… Gifts That Tell Her How You Really Feel

Posted on by sgottahurt

Don’t know what to get that special lady in your life?  (And I’m not talking about your mom.)  Then look no further than these brilliant Awful Battle ideas!

First up – when costume jewelry is just too cheap and gaudy, then it’s time to upgrade to Charmed Memories from Kay Jewelers:

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If bejeweled scrap metal doesn’t quite carry the weight you’d hope (and they do look heavy), howzabout you help her hide the weight with Kymaro Body Shapers:

(SIDENOTE: Don’t you think this simulation is pushing it?)

 

body shaper

This reminds me of Arnie and DeVito in "Twins" for some reason.

 

This last idea might not just be for the ladies.  It’s the Trojan’s Tri-Phoria vibrator, and… well, just watch and witness the groom’s unfettered excitement (at the 52 second mark):

And for the record, what does Tri-Phoria have to do with euphoria?  It’s not Deux-Phoria or Two-Phoria…

If I was in charge, I would have figured out a way to make it a quadruple vibrator (as opposed to a triple vibrator, however that works), and called it the – wait for it…

EuFOURia.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… No Harmonica, No Foul

Posted on by sgottahurt

I had one of two pictures to begin this post with.  I chose this:

(Please ignore the bubbles)

(SIDENOTE: The other is after the jump.)

I’ve long been a fan of the ol’ mouth organ harp, probably since I first heard it in Elton John’s I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Blues.  But through all my years, use of the ol’ juicebox has been left out to dry.

Not since Blues Traveler’s Run-Around, their infinitely better song, Hook, and Alanis Morissette’s Hand in My Pocket has a song with a harmonica solo gone mainstream.  John Popper and Alanis were topping the charts with those songs in 1994 and 95.  That’s fifteen years without a prevalent Mississippi saxophone presence.  Was it merely a mid-90’s thing?

Let’s look at earlier performances that included the tin sandwich:

The only recent hope that the Reckless Tram has had has been courtesy of Jack White (The White Stripes’ Hello Operator) and The Helio Sequences’ aptly named Harmonica Song:

Am I missing any?  (I’m sure I am.)  Is the instrument dead to the pop music scene?  Can you imagine the likes of Katy Perry, Justin Beiber, or Ke$ha sliding a foreign metal instrument across their lips?

Maybe that’s a question for an entirely different subject…

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Drunken Recollection… Quite The Celebrity Mix-Up

Posted on by sgottahurt

Out of context, I have no idea what these two Actors! have in common.  In context – I still don’t.  That mostly has to deal with the fact that I was tipsy, but the mostly is barely a mostly, because I also never watched either of the shows these Actors! starred in.

CELEBRITY #1 – Jan-Michael Vincent

Star of "Airwolf"

CELEBRITY #2 – Philip Michael Thomas

Co-star of "Miami Vice"

The only explanation that comes to mind is:

  • They both were in 80’s TV shows
  • They both peaked with said 80’s TV shows
  • They both have the same middle name (kinda)
  • Their names consist of three first names
  • They both were thrown a bone by PMT’s former co-star, Don Johnson:

"Nash Bridges" - Revelations

"Nash Bridges" - Out of Miami

As Dana Carvey’s Church Lady would always say:

Some others in the Three First-Namers Club:

  • Billy Ray Cyrus and Jonathan Taylor Thomas

I might confuse them one day by their hair or jackets.

Hibbidy-Wah?! No Effing Norway!

Posted on by sgottahurt

(UPDATE: VIDEO FIXED!)

I rubbed my eyes with lemon juice.  I squinted with toothpicks under my lids.  I snorted some Habanero sauce.  Salt was sprinkled onto my optical orbs, and nothing of what I had witnessed made any sense.

At first glance, you might mistake this video for an Insane Clown Posse one, based solely upon its production value, and you’d be right, except for the “clown” and “posse” part.  Maybe “clown” is relevant.

This is a commercial for the Norwegian show called Golden Times.  The way I wrote that sentence makes it sound like you should recognize it, so since you wouldn’t, I share it’s given name: Gylne Tider.  Apropos of nothing, that’s an anagram for

DETER LYING

of which I am with these truths.  So sit back, and

GENTLY RIDE

this strange ride on the TripleDoubleU that’s

LEGIT NERDY.

Without any further introduction, enjoy a slew (there has never been a better time to use this word) of random celebrities from the 80’s (and some 90’s) singing The Beatles’ Let It Be.  By my guesstimation, I would venture to, um, guess that this was what probably what killed Leslie Nielson, you Norwegian bastards!

(SIDENOTE: As you watch, you’ll find yourself thinking the cast can’t get any weirder, and it always does.  Also take note of what role each Actor! is recognized for.  It adds even more fun.)

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InASense, Lost… (Racist) Kids These Days

Posted on by sgottahurt

If you’ve ever seen the film version of the beloved comic strip Marmaduke, I’m sorry then you’re well aware of all the obvious anti-white sentiment sprinkled throughout.

Oh, you didn’t notice it?  Then I’ll let Andrew of The Andrew Show enlighten you, emphasis on lighten, with a dash of a speech impediment:

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(In case the video doesn't work, click the Videogum link below)

(video via Videogum)

To clean your palette, howzabout some Baby Inception:

A Handful Of… Videos You Must See If You Haven’t, Plus One Comic

Posted on by sgottahurt

Today’s specials include:

  • A CROONING MUSTACHED BABY
  • MORE KAZAAM REFERENCES THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT
  • ANIMALS EVOLVING

(Here’s the original if that one gets taken down.)

  • And finally, THE TRUTH, according to Pizza Stew:

Musical Musings… Songs I Will Never Listen To

Posted on by sgottahurt

I practically live in my car.  I’m always driving somewhere (which is probably why I have no drive in the rest of my life).  So I listen to the radio a lot.  The following songs are those that will either make me change the station, or keep me flipping through the dial.

I thought about including the videos here, but that wouldn’t seem true to the reason behind this Musical Musing.  At least I’ve included the links, so nyah.

Okay – scratch all that (I did).  IF there is to be ANY humor in this list, it has to be in the reveal.  A short list can’t duplicate what gobbled up real estate can.

To begin, I will never listen to Tool’s Schism.  Sure, the video is creepy, and could have possibly been a part of my list for videos cooler than their songs, but it is way too long and tantamount to banging pots and pans in rhythm.

(SIDENOTE: I also cannot stand their song, Prison Sex.  Actually, maybe I just don’t like Tool except for Sober.)

A lot of people don’t like Linkin Park already because, well, let’s just say a lot of their fans probably think Dane Cook is hilarious.  But I’ve never minded them.  I believe they work really hard at what they do, and when it works, it works for me.  As for one of their latest, The Catalyst, it Dane Cooks.

This is an easy one that requires no explanation, but I do have one question… why is James Blunt’s early start to the song left in the final recording of You’re Beautiful?  A better question… why do I care?

(SIDENOTE: James Blunt was supposedly in the army, and that baffled me until I found out he was British.  Moving on…)

This shouldn’t even have made this list, but the opening piano riff (is that what it would be called?) lured me in a couple of times before I learned my lesson.  That lesson: Miley Cyrus can’t sing, and The Climb should have never been on the radio.  (What else do I think about Ms. Cyrus?)

And in closing, fuck NewSong’s The Christmas Shoes.  If you haven’t heard it, consider yourself blessed.  If you haven’t, you’ll have to click on the link.  Or just hear Patton Oswalt explain the awfulness of it:

JusWondering… Can Taylor Swift Pull Off Santa Baby?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Taylor Swift could be called America’s sweetheart (as opposed to America’s sweatheart, Tom Arnold).  So why in the world would she try to perform a sexy, seductive song about a spoiled gold digger?  Take a listen to her version of Santa Baby:

What does the expert on gold diggers have to say about that?

Eartha Kitt played Catwoman, for Christ’s Santa’s sake!

Some other notable, not-so-wholesome women artists that have covered this song:

  • Madonna
  • Shakira
  • Macy Gray
  • Natalie Merchant
  • Faith Evans
  • Kylie Minogue
  • The Pussycat Dolls
  • Kellie Pickler
  • LeAnn Rhimes
  • Mae West
  • Miss Piggy
  • RuPaul
  • Everclear

My favorite, of course, is this version.

Happy Thanks (For Starting This Great Idea) Giving!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Somewhere in this world (probably Los Angeles, and not because of City of Angels) an angel earned its wings. If this could become a trend by Christmas, I will be looking forward to waiting in line at the airport.   NBC News in L.A, take it off away:

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I Am Thankful For… Hausu On DVD

Posted on by sgottahurt

This almost slipped past me, like the plot of the movie (see the preview below), but I Am Thankful For finding out that the 1977 Japanese horror (?) film Hausu has been released on DVD, and, well, check it out:

Via Criterion’s website:

SYNOPSIS: How to describe Nobuhiko Obayashi’s indescribable 1977 movie House (Hausu)? As a psychedelic ghost tale? A stream-of-consciousness bedtime story? An episode of Scooby-Doo as directed by Mario Bava? Any of the above will do for this hallucinatory head trip about a schoolgirl who travels with six classmates to her ailing aunt’s creaky country home and comes face-to-face with evil spirits, a demonic house cat, a bloodthirsty piano, and other ghoulish visions, all realized by Obayashi via mattes, animation, and collage effects. Equally absurd and nightmarish, House might have been beamed to Earth from some other planet. Never before available on home video in the United States, it’s one of the most exciting cult discoveries in years.

A great treat to watch on Thanksgiving, I’m sure!