It’s good that there are finally movies coming out that I want to see. They’re not necessarily good, but I’ve been hitting up the silver screen more in the last month than all winter with no signs of slowing down.
That having been said, I’m getting caught up on non-blockbuster preview fare, and it’s fair at best.
Take the latest offerings I witnessed (please!), and tell me if you notice something:
First, they are all screenplay movies. By that I mean to evoke Little Miss Sunshine or Cedar Rapids. They are all movies that read well, I’m sure, but have limited commercial commercial appeal.
Second, they either feature the charming Emily Blunt, Jason Segel, or both!
(SIDENOTE: I saw these previews in this exact order before the tragically unfunny Wanderlust.)
Am I eager to see any of them? No. But will I eventually? Yes.
Ah, the good ol’ days. But as Billy Joel once said:
The good ol’ days aren’t always good and tomorrow ain’t as bad as it seems.
The same could be said for this slightly different Unofficial Trilogy. It’s unofficial for the simplest reason – they’re home videos. A grouping of skits that I made with my kid brother starting back in 1991 (when he was around 7 and I was around 16) and ending the early winter of last year.
If you watch them, I hope you enjoy them. If you don’t, don’t ever come looking for help from Shott Gunnn!
(SIDENOTE: Some history… the first two were filmed within rainy days of each other. I started each with a basic idea, but we made the dialogue and action up as we went along. I edited them both in camera, rewinding to erase takes, most times not successfully. The last one was filmed on an iPhone 4s, which is a fraction of the size of a VHS tape. It’s a worthy homage of the originals, including mistakes and all. If you get through all three, I think you’d agree that it wraps things up nicely, bringing the Unofficial Trilogy full circle.)
My cousin Steve sent me an email a while back in which he told me to watch a certain video. He didn’t provide any context, or drinking game rules. It was Joe Nichols’ If Nobody Believed In You. Check it out for yourself:
So as I watched, I wondered what my cousin was trying to showcase. The creepy guy watching a kid’s ballgame all alone? The creepy guy staring down a downtrodden old man? Was Heath Ledger pulling off a Tupac/Makaveli life-after-death reinvention?
Then I realized what he was trying to tell me – this song and video were lame.
A few other songs have popped back into my life lately that are just as – if not more – lame. And I listen to a bunch of lame music as it is. But instead of the sappy and maudlin I’d usually reserve for the designation lame, these are sort of well-written sappy and maudlin lame songs.
Soul Asylum – Misery
For some reason, my boss/friend Paul started singing this around the office, and dammit if it didn’t get stuck in my head. He does this to me often since I’m very susceptible to earworms. But this song is flat-out awful, despite lyrics like this:
They say misery
Loves company
We could start a company
And make misery
Heart – All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You
This I heard on the way to school. (Yes, I’m back in school continuing education.) I knew it better than I cared to remember. Sample lyrics belted quite believably by Ann Wilson:
I said, here is the flower, here is the seed
We walked in the garden, we planted a tree
Now, don’t try to find me, please don’t you dare
Just live in my memory, you’ll always be there
Debby Boone – You Light Up My Life
This seems like an easy one to pick on, but it was just featured in an episode of Raising Hope. This is probably the queen of lame songs, and the list could go on and on from everything that followed this light-ning rod of goody-two-shoes-ness (as opposed to goody-three-shoes?)…
Luckily, I have a DVR. But sometimes, I catch commercials anyway. These two drive me up the wall when I see them. I’ll try to explain why in a minute:
Wanna know the simplest reason? They’re not marketed to me. Not in the slightest.
The Citi Thank You Premier credit card spot called Accessories plays up the angle that women usually buy things like belts, nylons, and shoes… except in this case, these “accessories” are climbing gear. And the “rock” she wants isn’t in a ring – it’s in a canyon. You might think the unconventional lady stuff is what annoys me, but it’s not. It’s the rock climbing! I don’t see the purpose! She gets to the top, and then what? You climb back down? No Thank You, Citi.
As for the iPhone campaign, sometimes they hit. This teen-targeted one is a miss. To begin, I hate Siri. She’s virtual and virtually useless. To continue, when the kid says “I got to get a guitar,” Siri pulls up this screen:
First surprise - Siri worked?!
Where in the world are there twelve musical stores that close to you?! Call this one rock bottom.
(SIDENOTE: Here’s a crazy Reese’s Pieces advertisement in the style of crazy Skittles commercials that erases the above two migraine-inducers…)
When I awakened from this subconscious adventure, I was left with echoes of one question:
Where the fuck did this dream come from?
The star of this nocturnal transmission:
Babs, Ever The Stalwart (not an anagram, but it looks like one)
I don’t watch The View, but I’m constantly aware of it. If it’s not featured on some random website, then Joe McHale skewers it somehow on The Soup. But I watch that show on Wednesdays. I didn’t have this dream anywhere near Wednesday…
Anybabawahwah, I should at least be flattered by my subconscious. It was her birthday and she was hosting a party, The 50 Most Invited People. I was one of the 50 most invited.
But so was one of my nondescript associates (it was someone I knew, but I don’t know who). This person’s idea for a birthday present was to buy her scratch off lottery tickets. This person’s reasoning:
You know, it’s a gift that could keep on giving.
I was wracking my brain while sleeping. What do you get a woman like Barbara Walters for her birthday?
Then it hit me – donate to her favorite charity in her honor. What was her favorite charity, you ask?
There is one song on this The Shit To Just Shitty list that was its inspiration. It’s not inspiring by any means… it simply got me thinking.
So here’s my ranking of Songs About New York that I like, and how I really feel about them.
(SIDENOTE: The reason I’m writing about songs I like is because (1) it’s my blog, and (2) there are a lot of songs about New York, New York… sorry Frank. Not one of my faves.)
THE SHIT
Jay-Z and Alicia Keys kill it with Empire State of Mind, and in my opinion, it captures the essence of being in the Big Apple. But the main reason this song is ranked so high is simple – this is the apology for most of the rest of the list. Oh yeah. Plus, street cred.
THE SHIT AROUND THE HOLIDAYS
The Pogues and Kirsty McColl’ Fairytale of New York is one of the most emotional Christmas songs I’ve ever heard. It’s also fairly depressing. Nonetheless, it’s great.
THE SHIT FOR BEING FROM THE 70’s
Billy Joel’s New York State of Mind wasn’t a hit when it came out in 1976, and that’s a shame. One of his best.
Simon and Garfunkel’s Only Living Boy in New York is one of those songs that you know is good… but damn it to hell when it gets stuck in your head.
CRAPPY IF NOT IN THE MOOD FOR
How is Suzanne Vega’s Tom’s Diner a song about New York?
Seinfeld anyone?
CRAPPY EVEN IF IN THE MOOD FOR
The Wallflowers’ 6th Avenue Heartache is not One Headlight, but I won’t hold it against it. (I really like One Headlight.)
KINDA SHITTY
Here’s where the list really takes a turn for the worse. Remember Disney’s Oliver and Company? How about Huey Lewis’s Once Upon a Time in New York City? Sorry for reminding you.
REALLY SHITTY
So wait… this isn’t the worst song on the list? A tune from (another) Disney film no one saw, Newsies, is on my radar for songs about NYC. What could be worse?
JUST SHITTY
The inspiration for this post: Arthur’s Theme by Christopher Cross. That’s the best that I could do? You betcha.
I believe Nicki Minaj is trying to drive me insane. Or at least make me feel like a Stupid Hoe:
I find the strangest allusion (in the midst of strange illusions) to be this:
Nicki Minaj meets Lily Tomlin meets Big Chair
A reference to Edith Ann? Is that because Edith Ann was an alter-ego character of LilyTomlin, and Nicki Minaj also has a character an alter-ego that goes by the name of Roman Zolanski? Also, is Nicki Minaj possessed? Am I going to keep asking questions?
What’s that old saying? Time heals all wounds. Well, time might not heal all, but it sure can heal some.
Over the weekend, I went to the show to see the re-issue of Star Wars, Episode I: The Phantom Menace in 3D, and you know what? It wasn’t as bad as I remembered, and here’s why:
1) It has two of the best characters in all the prequel story lines.
Darth Maul and Qui-Gon Jinn, which translates to "Half Slice" and "Hole in Chest"
I always maintained that Liam Neeson brought a gravity to the Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn that Ewan McGregor never could to his Obi-Wan Kenobi. I still don’t know if it’s his size, voice, or demeanor, but when Qui-Gon defies the Jedi Council to stand by his belief that Anakin is The Chosen One, his conviction is convincing. Everything in the Star Wars universe we know and love hinges on his gut feelings, and we buy (and buy and buy) into it, too.
As for Darth Maul – once a bad-ass, always a bad-ass… until he falls down a pit like other fan favorite, Boba Fett.
2) Jake Lloyd is a much more tolerable Actor! than Hayden Christensen.
If he says "wizards" one more time!
Notice I didn’t say “better.” He’s a kid, for Yoda’s sake. What am I gonna do? Ridicule him like how… he… will… eventually… kill a bunch of Padawans? I also think this video existing helps his situation:
3) Jar Jar Binks wasn’t as jarring.
He's wearing Pajarjars.
I’ve come to Jar Jar Binks’ defense before (or at least George Lucas’ decision to include him), so it was no big surprise to me that this time around, he hardly annoyed me. That’s probably because he was a big surprise in the first place, much like the Midi-chlorian debacle (which was nowadays just as negligible).
4) Were there more practical effects and sets in Episode I?
Seemed like it to me. To all you non-film school students, practical effects means “it’s really there.” Episode II and III relied heavily on CGI, whereas this one went partially old-school, and the look of the film benefits greatly. Palpatine’s senate office looks real when he’s in it; Anakin’s Podracer and Naboo Starfighter look real when he’s in them.
There was an article I read (that I don’t feel like looking for) that stated mixing CGI and practical effects tricks the mind much better. That’s why Jurassic Park’s dinosaurs were so convincing for early CGI. It even explains why RayHarryhausen’s clay figures can mess with us – they really exist.
Now I’m not knocking CGI in lieu of practical effects either, and here’s proof:
"There is no try... only do-over."
(For the flip side of this Silver Lining, check out this article on Time Magazine’s site.)
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