I’ll admit it. I watch Cartoon Network. That’s where I catch all the latest Clone Wars episodes (not for much longer, though).
It’s also where I catch-up on the latest and greatest toy offerings. Of all the dumb things I’ve seen, I couldn’t believe that this (post from two years ago) has officially made its way here:
What’s next?
This toy from Britain?
Or this one from 1991?
(SIDENOTE: Wow. That song is not catchy at all.)
It’s been a while again, folks, and I’d like to present to you a few more occurrences of homages liberal borrowings. If you are unfamiliar with my concept of liberal borrowing, click liberal borrowing (not this one, the previous one).
The first few I’m going to breeze through because they’re already older songs, and other people have thought the same or the artists acknowledge the similarity.
My friend swore up and down about this one, and being the defender of originality that I claim to be, I just didn’t really hear it… until this video:
He also thinks fun.’s We Are Young shares common ground with The Beatles’ Hey Jude. I told him to find me a sample; he’s still looking.
This one even Mr. A-to-the-Z can’t argue with… it’s on Wikipedia.
When I first heard I Won’t Give Up, I wondered why I felt like I knew its melody but not the words (by the way, does Jason Mraz realize he looks like that now?):
I’m late to this, but I only noticed because my Detroit Tigers made it as far as they did. Otherwise, I don’t watch National League games at all. But answer me this – notice anything? ‘Cuz Walgreen’s did.
W-w-w-w-what?!
(SIDENOTE: This last one is my favorite.)
Does M83’s Reunion…
…sound at all like the theme song to Supernanny?
As usual, what the fuck is wrong with my subconscious?
In this particular dream, I met Don Rickles and after hanging out for a few drinks, he let me in on a top-secret project he was working on. He told me that he and Garry Shandling had an upcoming talk show set to debut on FOX called “It’s Garry!”
It would take place in a boxing ring within a smoky environment, and there would be only two chairs facing each other, like Tom Snyder’s old Late Late Show. Rickles would man the pull-down boom mike and would act as the trainer; Garry would portray different personalities for each interview, with names like Harry, Jerry, and Barry.
I guess it might look something like this:
It’s been a while since I’ve edited me some photos…
I would totally watch this show, and not just because I invented it without trying…
(SIDENOTE: Here’s Garry in his original uncomfortable environs…)
Oh the celebs he could get!
I don’t know where to begin with this post. Which one gets the coveted title of The Shit and which gets Just Shitty. I guess I’ll just GoJo with my gut since that’s where it’s all made…
THE SHIT (FIGURATIVELY LITERAL)
This is a real company’s website. I only found out about it by passing a truck bearing its logo on the freeway. I don’t care what they make. (I don’t know what they make.)
Butt they’re ad campaign is ASS… THE ORIGINAL, and I couldn’t ass-k for more (check it out here):
Mind, meet gutter. Ass, meet end of arm tooling.
THE SHIT (LITERALLY FIGURATIVE)
Is this product a bad idea? Or worse yet, is it a great idea?
The GoJo Hands Free seems like something out of the past. But in this case, the past is only like three years ago…
JUST SHITTY
Speaking of (more than three) years ago, aren’t these songs horribly dated? I didn’t like them then, so I definitely don’t like them now:
(SIDENOTE: Perhaps I don’t hate them as much as I thought if I chose to remember to write about how much I hate them. That’s tantamount to writing a letter to Santa Claus to tell him you don’t believe in him.)
This show looks like absolute vodka shit.
It is called… Made in Jersey, and it will air on See B.S.… I mean, CBS.
The premise is stupid simple. A girl woman from New Jersey becomes – wait for it – a lawyer! Crazy, right?
Check out these awful promos. As a bonus, they’re extra confusing because one introduces the actress playing the character, whereas the other just introduces the character. Why do we need to know the actress? This show won’t last. And her dreams will be unceremoniously dashed against the Jersey shore…
Introducing Janet Montgomery (the actress):
Meet Martina Garretti (the character):
Nice timing, too, because every body is sooooo into New Jersey right now…
I always thought the saying went as such:
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.
But then again, they also always say:
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.
So am I insane, or are they barely trying here?
A movie about guys with kids starring Anthony Anderson.
(SIDENOTE: The above is a 2004 film that received a 4% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes.)
A television show about baby daddies starring Anthony Anderson.
(SIDENOTE: The above NBC show received a 38% approval rating. For NBC, that’s a hit!)
When I was a kid (and maybe still now), I prided myself on knowing the words to many, many toy commercials.
Somehow, this one escaped me.
No matter what, Charger-Tron, you will not escape me again!
(SIDENOTE: This is YouTube gold. Thank you to zorro3121 for sharing this with the world.)
Is this just a pog for the digital age? Really, I’m seriously asking…
I watch more cartoons than I should. In fact, depending on the time of the year, my DVR may be 33% full of animated hijinks.
But this show… this show makes me feel like a parent (which I’m not). Of all the swill shilling shit programming out there, this one… this one… you just need to see:
If the opening of BeyWheelz: Powered by BeyBlade is too unbearable to sit through, allow me to present a sample battle scene from this show:
Yes. You saw exactly what you saw. Two wheels riding into each other. Not animals popping out of balls or cards. Wheels. Or pardon me, Wheelz.
These Wheelz. Or pardon me, BeyWheelz.
I wonder if each set is based on a different episode.
Hasbro has gotten sloppy, power-hungry, or durrr since the success of the brain-dead-on-arrival Transformer films. Even the cinematic floater called Battleship made them money in the worldwide market. Perhaps their just setting their sights on dumb-proofing children so that one day a live-action BeyWheelz will be another future summer blockbuster.
Wait a second… BeyWheelz… Michael Bay… it might already be too late…
It appears to me that the word legend gets thrown around an unfair amount. So I’m gonna throw it around some more but with some context…
THE SHIT
This is the show’s equivalent to “Walk Like an Egyptian.”
In Avatar: The Last Airbender (the TV cartoon – not the movie), we are introduced to an amazing world where gifted individuals can bend (mentally manipulate) the four elements. But Aang’s more of a legend than Korra at this series’ start. This show that acts as a sequel not only brought us back to this world, but also a grown up one. We’re only one season in, and although the finale was a bit too tidy, I can’t wait for more. This desire to go back is the only thing that trumps what I deeply considered deeming The Shit, and instead opted to rank as…
NUMBER TWO
Look how fast they grow up. And different.
The only legend you need to know about Zelda is that she’s an easy kidnap. The original game was incredible; I could never beat Zelda II: The Adventures of Link. A Link to the Past was my next victory… and my last. I’ve purchased virtually all the games in this series, but even though I play them like crazy when I first get them, I’ve yet to finish another. I don’t even look forward to them half as much anymore. I did get close to finishing Twilight Princess… but I just stopped.
BIRD TURD
“Who wants their ass kicked? That’s right… I said who!?”
Owls. In. Armor. ‘Nuff said.
UNDEAD CRAP
“Here’s a little story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside-down.”
This Will Smith cash grab probably would have got a higher ranking from me if the they would have done one of two things:
WHAT IS THIS SHIT?
It looks passable… and I don’t mean in the bowels sense.
This TV show is only so low because I know little about it. I know I’ve heard good things about it, but I also know it was cancelled before its time, so to invest any time in catching up on it would be a waste of, um, time. What they were seeking, I may never know, but if it ever gets picked up again, who knows? Maybe I’ll seek out the DVD’s.
DINGLEBERRY CENTRAL
“No, this is not about Xenu.”
I haven’t seen this film in forever, and as much as seeing young Mia Sara could tempt me, seeing young Tom Cruise or the weird shirtless (even if it’s a prosthetic) Tim Curry does not.
80’S POOP
I hate to admit this, but the kid is my son.
The plot of this film sounds atrocious, and you can read it by clicking here. Or you can just read the summary of Billie Jean’s legend:
…[she’s] a symbol of youth empowerment and the evidence of the injustices adults are capable of…
Boo hoo.
JUST SHITTY
Matt Damon: “Are the cameras still on us?” Will Smith: “What cameras?”
Sorry that you made it on here twice, Will Smith. Nothing against you, but this golf flick (first mistake!) is not good. In fact, the only good thing it has going for it is that it probably ushered in the end of the magical negro trope. Well, maybe this quote by Matt Damon’s character, too:
You see every drink of liquor you take kills a thousand brain cells. Now that doesn’t much matter ‘cos we got billions more. And first the sadness cells die so you smile real big. And then the quiet cells go so you just say everything real loud for no reason at all. That’s ok, that’s ok because the stupid cells go next, so everything you say is real smart. And finally, come the memory cells. These are tough sons of bitches to kill.
This by far has to be one of my strangest dreams… and that’s saying a lot.
It involved the old entertainment powerhouse Blockbuster:
Why don’t keyboards have cent signs anymore?
You see, they sent out emails and letters asking any and all of their former customers one specific statement:
If you have a credit card that you are not currently using, please allow us to max out its cash advance. We will cover all the monthly payments and the interest. We are only doing this to have liquid assets. For participating, you will have unlimited free rentals until we’ve paid our debt on your card.
In a bizarre way, it seems logical. But could anyone really trust Blockbuster after their whole No Late Fees debacle? Wow, what a difference 27 years make…
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