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Drunken Recollection… Holographic Ghouls, Medical Fools, And A Munchkin Talent Pool

Posted on November 6, 2009 by sgottahurt

Sit back, have a drink, and swim with me down the channels of nostalgia. What that trip entails – a fleeting thought, a jotted note in the ol’ iPhone, and Google research later.

1) “What were those holographic, flat-front action figures called?”

A good question, with a simple answer: Visionaries. They had a cartoon and a comic book series (which I still own)!

Wait, what? There were two hologram toy lines?

Wait, what? There's a different hologram toy line?

The exact toy in question. Well the one like this that's yellow...

But that wasn’t the answer being looked for. The correct answer to the question in question: Tonka put out a series called Super Naturals.

Sure, holograms were a fad in the 80’s, but so were 3D stereograms in the 90’s, and no one made toys based around them. (Probably because companies were too busy ripping off updating successful 80’s lines… of which the neither Visionaries of Super Naturals were a part.)

2) “Does anybody remember St. Elsewhere? Anybody?”

Every once and awhile it becomes apparent that I’m older than I pay more attention to pop culture than the people around me. I was wondering if St. Elsewhere was available on DVD, and no one knew anything about it. Answer: only the first season.

Why I wanted to know is because I never watched the show (because I was too young… srsly), and I wondered if it was any good.

There were only two things I knew about the show:

Howie Mandel was on the show. I knew of him because he’d put a rubber glove over his head and blow it up with his nose. He was famous for this.

Howie Does It

The entire show ended up taking place within the mind of an autistic patient. SPOILER ALERT. (Did I do that right?)

What I learned after researching the existence of the DVD:

Mark Harmon (the main dude from NCIS) was on it. His character died from AIDS, and was one of the first major characters to contract HIV (heterosexually, of course… it was the 80’s).
Denzel Washington also got his start on the show. Denzel! That just blows my mind. Next you’ll be telling me Will Smith or George Clooney got started on TV. Or 30 Rock’s Alec Baldwin got started in film. Crazy!

3) “What was the name of that famous midget little person from the 80’s?”

This inquiry arose out of a terribly written trivia question that confused Tiptoe Through the Tulips’ Tiny Tim with a little person. Come on. You’ve got to know Tiny Tim (not the “God bless us, every one” one). He was like the Marilyn Manson of the 60’s and 70’s, in that was as shocking as he was able to be.

Anyukulele, I knew there was a little person that was so beloved in my youth that even as I child, I knew his name, but it escaped me. I knew he was in a Wizard of Oz spoof I had never fully seen. So I started with that and found:

Young Chevy Chase AND Carrie Fisher? Must See!

And that lead me to the recesses of my memory. Without further research, it hit me! Billy Barty!

Verne Troyer, take notes...

And on that note, I shall pour out some of my next drink in your honor, Gwildor…

Worth 1002 Words… F— That Edition

Posted on November 2, 2009 by sgottahurt

Fuck That

JusWondering… Can I Jam Pack Many Halloween Posts In One Post? Yes.

Posted on October 30, 2009 by sgottahurt

Happy Find… Man Up Your Girly Boy This Halloween

Courtesy of the Onion News Network comes this gem. What I like best is the part where they’re mean to the kids…

In My Brain While Sleeping… A Costume I Never Would Have Thought Of While Awake

Blah blah blah subconscious something something weird dream… I met a man wearing this costume and when I inquired about it, he pulled granite from his pocket, placed it on the last stair and said:

"I'm Rock Bottom."

Drunken Recollection… Two Gorillas Are Better Than One

My cousin Steve and I have matching costumes. We debuted them last week at my brother’s party. It was a blast. The next day, I had another party to attend, but I opted to go as Hipster Jesus. Another gorilla was there, and my heart broke a little…

Musical Musings… How Do You Kill The Gill Man?

Is this a good song? No. But does the Monster Mash really deserve being the only Halloween song? (Not counting Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, of course.)

(Lyrics available after the jump)

Awful Battle… Worst Halloween Costumes

Take your pick of this litter. And by litter, I mean trash. Not like litter of puppies or litter of kittens. (BTW, they all win the Awful Battle.

InASense, Lost… This Sex Toy Bites

Ever hear of the Fleshlight? Well here’s the Succu-Dry. And it blows.

Do Not Vant

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Did PB Max Get “Discontinued” For Peanut Butter Twix?

PB Max... PB Twix... hmm...

I loved PB Max almost instantly when it was released in 1990. It was the companion candy to the caramel Twix bars I’d eat everyday. (There was a 5¢ mail-in rebate deal on each wrapper, so I binged one summer, sent them all in, and received a $5 check 6-8 weeks later. You can do the math.)

Anysweettooth, seemingly as quickly as the candy burst on the scene, by th mid-90’s, it was gone. A couple more years passed and all-of-the-sudden there was a Peanut Butter Twix bar (and the original became Caramel Twix with a capital-C, as you candy C see).

There were claims that the PB Max didn’t make it because the Mars family hated peanut butter. But lo and behold, they eventually made and continue to make the spin-off to their double-cookie-bar-covered-in-something-coated-in-chocolate classic.

Hibbidy-Wah?! What’s Wrong With This Kid?

The Shit To Just Shitty… The Adventure Of It All

Whatever happened to all the razor blades in apples and the kidnappings? The night’s supposed to be scary for kids. It’s like a PG-13 horror film these days.

Worth 1002 Words… My Old Halloween Costume Edition

Boxing Match

(lyrics to Halloween Survival Guide, you know, in case your ears aren’t working)

JusWondering… What Else Should They Bring Back?

Posted on October 19, 2009 by sgottahurt

Often owned by strangers with candy.

Well whadayanknow?

Last year, Polaroid got rid of their Instant Cameras. I wrote about it here when this blog was still a fledgling.

But courtesy of The Impossible Project (or of a PR stunt the likes of the Heene family – the last batches of film sold recently expired), Polaroid is bringing sexy Instant Cameras back.

This got me thinking… what other foregone technologies would I like to see return?

1) Spindle

In fairy tales, they were able to spin straw into gold. They also acted as GHB when it came to princesses. So maybe they shouldn’t come back.

2) Dick Tracy Copmobile

With technology like that, kids’ imaginations had to flourish. (See the original toy commercial down below.)*

3) Top Loading VCR’s

“What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” “The VCR heads!”

Nostalgia and functionality and purpose aside… look at how easy it was to use? With all those dials and switches and buttons, you could set the clock! (Ra-tat-tat-CRASH!) Of course I want it back for nostalgic reasons (but still not functionality and purpose).

4) Libraries

The Dewey Decimal System was "thisclose" to being the Huey Whole Number System. The Louie Lottery System wasn't even close.

There’s something terribly wrong with kids today, and I stand by two reasons why:

Siblings each having their own bathroom growing up, instead of fighting to share one.
Libraries aren’t used as social gathering places anymore.

Wait, what? Libraries still exist? I thought the Internet would have surely killed them. My bad.

SIDENOTE: While we await the Instant Cameras’ re-release, why not pick up this camera that logs every moment of your life? It’s like YouTube meets Twitter!

You know you want it

*Original Dick Tracy Copmobile commercial after the jump Read More

In My Brain While Sleeping… Battling Princesses

Posted on October 11, 2009 by sgottahurt

A Princess I Can Get Behind

Apparently, I’m a thirteen year old girl. Why else would I have a dream about princesses? Well, I could understand why I’d have a dream about princesses, but this dream… well, here it goes:

There were two Disney-esque princesses – Pink Dress and Light Blue Dress.
They were best friends since the were children, and they somehow lived in the same kingdom. So maybe they weren’t both princesses, but I digress.
In their teen years, a rift grew betwixt them (like that verbiage?), and Pink was banished. Light Blue ruled alone.
Pink went away and learned the art of telekinesis*.
When she returned to reclaim her position in the kingdom, she used her new power to easily make her way to Light Blue.
In the time Pink was gone, Light Blue had built up an army – an army of heavily armed soldiers. I’m talking like SWAT team style.
Pink stood before Light Blue, ready to make peace or make pieces (you see, she had a sword… I should have mentioned that).
The soldiers surrounded Pink, ready to fire.
Light Blue mocked Pink, stating the futility of her efforts. She wondered aloud if Pink could stop an onslaught of bullets…
Without hesitation, Pink used her telekinesis* to spin the soldiers to face each other and fire. They dropped like flies.

And I woke up. At least the princesses were bad asses…

*(What’s the difference between telekinesis and telepathy? Oh! Thanks Wikipedia!)

INGREDIENTS: A Tigers win (sniff), a Lions loss (eh), lotsa beer, a couple of burnt hot dogs, and 12 hours sleep.

If you happen to Google Image Search "Princess Peach" or "Princess Toadstool," please enable SafeSearch. You've been warned.

Happy Find… 2012 Preview Re-Edits

Posted on October 10, 2009 by sgottahurt

Some people believe that the world is going to end December 21, 2012. I, on the other hand, think it already has. Why else would Taco Bell have gotten rid of chili cheese burritos? (NOTE: I considered innumerable options for this “joke,” but the truth is that I really really loved their chili cheese burritos…)

Anychuro, the new movie 2012 is going to be unleashed upon us well before then. Everyone that will see it will be seeing it because of the special effects, and not the actors or their acting. Don’t believe me? Here’s the trailer with all the destruction edited out:

BONUS VIDEO: A recut of the preview as if it was 70’s Grindhouse film. Enjoy.

BONUS PLEA: If anyone out there has any pull at Taco Bell, it would give me new hope to know that they might bring chili cheese burritos back. I mean, seriously, what did chili ever do to you, Taco Bell? You can have potatoes and bacon, and not chili? You can even have BellHedz and not chili?!

See, even he looks upset you don't have chili cheese burritos...

See, even these guys look upset you don't have chili cheese burritos anymore...

Hibbidy-Wah?! Dear Japan, Despite The Title, This One Might Not Be So Bad

Posted on October 9, 2009 by sgottahurt

When I was younger, my sister had these toys called Sylvanian Families:

Are the accelerator suits and weapons sold separately?

If they were anything at all like the rabbits in this Japanese cartoon, I might have taken them from her. That is all.

(SIDENOTE: I know this has been out there for a while, but I just found this one with English subtitles… which subsequently has been out there for a while. I know it’s probably not too shocking and therefore not really Hibbidy-Wah-worthy, but… ah, I don’t need to explain myself. But really – Cat Shit One?)

(My Boss) Paul’s Top Five List… Subtle Christian-Approved 80’s Songs

Posted on October 6, 2009 by sgottahurt

Holy crap! We’ve been busy at work, so my boss/friend Paul has been unable to make a new list, despite my pestering and bugging. So in honor of the “Holy Crapness” of this event, allow me to present:

Top 5 Subtle Christian-Approved Songs of the 80’s

5) Maneater – Hall & Oates
Sample Line: “Watch out boy, she’ll chew you up!”
Christian-Approved Message: You couldn’t get anymore anti-oral sex than this song. Missionary only, please. (After marriage, of course…)

4) Keep Your Hands to Yourself – The Georgia Satellites
Sample Line: “No huggin’, no kissin’, until you make me your wife.”
Christian-Approved Message: This song should appeal to the abstinence-only crowd (hello, Jonas Brothers), as well as explain the shotgun weddings found often in the South (hello, Miley Cyrus).

3) We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off – Jermaine Stewart
Sample Line: (see title)
Christian-Approved Message: Another abstinence-only song. Girls are throwing themselves at him, and he is telling them, “No thanks, let’s just dance and drink some cherry wine.” He’s either very religious, or very gay… or both. (There might be openings at the monastery.)

2) Papa Don’t Preach – Madonna
Sample Line: “I’m gonna keep my baby… mmm…”
Christian-Approved Message: While the fact that Madonna is singing about getting knocked up out of wedlock might not sit well with the religious right, the fact that she is going to keep my her baby and get married to the boyfriend has to appeal to the pro-life movement. (And the messages of songs #3 and #4…)

1) You Shook Me All Night Long – AC/DC
Sample Line: “Yeah you… shook me… all… night… long.”
Christian-Approved Message: Unbeknowest to most people, this song is actually about a female demon that is exorcised. (Or is it exercised?)

Whom I always thought "Maneater" was about...

In My Brain While Sleeping… Tweaking Existing Toylines

Posted on September 28, 2009 by sgottahurt

Those that claim to know me might say that I’m a child at heart. Those that really know me would call me an overgrown child. According to my subconscious, I have the mind of a child. I prefer to say I’m living the 13 year-old me’s dream…

This set of dreams involved a pair of toy collections that I’ve previously mentioned on this post, but were sort of blended together. It was the Lego Batman video game, and though I haven’t played it in a while, that did not prevent me from dreaming that there was a Batman toy collection that was kind of like a model train town set (Exhibit A) and a bit like Playmobil (Exhibit B).

Tiny figurines representing each of the characters could be purchased, as well as scenery components, and you could assemble a miniature Gotham City similar to Exhibit C. I guess there’s a toy line called Imaginext that’s kind of like what I envisioned (Exhibit D), but I still imagine(xt) something much darker…

Where the other half of the Lego Batman connection ends up has nothing to do with a Lego town (Exhibit E). It’s more like the Marvel Legends action figure collection (Exhibit F). Every Lego set you purchased could be put together (or should I say combined because of course Lego sets are put together) with other Lego sets to make bigger predisposed items. Again, not like Exhibit E, but like how Galactus is assembled in Exhibit F.

You see, Galactus’ head comes with Professor X, and other pieces of him are packaged along with five other figures in that series. So if you buy all six figures, you can make Galactus. That’s how the Lego sets worked…

Never mind.

You’re adults… you don’t understand.

InASense, Lost… Chuck E. Cheese Has Gone Bleu

Posted on September 21, 2009 by sgottahurt

When I was a kid, there was a place I was allowed to be one, fully and freely.

If I wanted to do any of the following:

run around
eat pizza
puke up fountain pop
play skeeball
crack open the coin container on the spaceship ride and stock up on shit tons (which is way more than crap loads) of tokens
collect a crap load of tickets
stock up on magic tricks received in fair trade of the aforementioned tickets
beat little kids at air hockey in order to overrun the table for my friends and I

I could. At ShowBiz Pizza Place. That was back before they were bought out and became Chuck E. Cheese and changed their name.

Anyzaxxon, when I was a kid, the arcade games were really what it was all about. Paperboy, Tron, watching somebody else play Dragon’s Lair. These are where my memories truly remain.

So imagine my surprise (I think this is my catch phrase for all my InASense, Lost posts) when I visited Chuck E. Cheese after a long hiatus (it was my friends’ offspring’s first birthday), and this was their game selection?