The Silver Lining

The Silver Lining… Episode I: The Phantom Mess, I Mean, Menace

Posted on by sgottahurt

What’s that old saying?  Time heals all wounds.  Well, time might not heal all, but it sure can heal some.

Over the weekend, I went to the show to see the re-issue of Star Wars, Episode I: The Phantom Menace in 3D, and you know what?  It wasn’t as bad as I remembered, and here’s why:

1) It has two of the best characters in all the prequel story lines.

Darth Maul and Qui-Gon Jinn, which translates to "Half Slice" and "Hole in Chest"

I always maintained that Liam Neeson brought a gravity to the Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn that Ewan McGregor never could to his Obi-Wan Kenobi.  I still don’t know if it’s his size, voice, or demeanor, but when Qui-Gon defies the Jedi Council to stand by his belief that Anakin is The Chosen One, his conviction is convincing.  Everything in the Star Wars universe we know and love hinges on his gut feelings, and we buy (and buy and buy) into it, too.

As for Darth Maul – once a bad-ass, always a bad-ass… until he falls down a pit like other fan favorite, Boba Fett.

2) Jake Lloyd is a much more tolerable Actor! than Hayden Christensen.

If he says "wizards" one more time!

Notice I didn’t say “better.”  He’s a kid, for Yoda’s sake.  What am I gonna do?  Ridicule him like how… he… will… eventually… kill a bunch of Padawans?  I also think this video existing helps his situation:

3) Jar Jar Binks wasn’t as jarring.

He's wearing Pajarjars.

I’ve come to Jar Jar Binks’ defense before (or at least George Lucas’ decision to include him), so it was no big surprise to me that this time around, he hardly annoyed me.  That’s probably because he was a big surprise in the first place, much like the Midi-chlorian debacle (which was nowadays just as negligible).

4) Were there more practical effects and sets in Episode I?

Seemed like it to me.  To all you non-film school students, practical effects means “it’s really there.”  Episode II and III relied heavily on CGI, whereas this one went partially old-school, and the look of the film benefits greatly.  Palpatine’s senate office looks real when he’s in it; Anakin’s Podracer and Naboo Starfighter look real when he’s in them.

There was an article I read (that I don’t feel like looking for) that stated mixing CGI and practical effects tricks the mind much better.  That’s why Jurassic Park’s dinosaurs were so convincing for early CGI.  It even explains why Ray Harryhausen’s clay figures can mess with us – they really exist.

Now I’m not knocking CGI in lieu of practical effects either, and here’s proof:

"There is no try... only do-over."

(For the flip side of this Silver Lining, check out this article on Time Magazine’s site.)

The Silver Lining… The Heart Hand Gesture

Posted on by sgottahurt

The HeartMark™ is trademarked?!

Trends.

They’re always stupid.  Pet rocks, sequenced gloves, pogs… and now this.  The inescapable heart hand gesture.  It’s everywhere.

Aeroswift™

But would you believe some lady “claims” to have the trademark on it?

This lady looks like she makes many "claims"...

She even licenses it out allegedly (although it just looks like she just made a list of places she’s seen it used and retroactively authorized it).

(SIDENOTE: Did she donate the gesture to Show Your Hearts?  It could be a tax write-off.)

My hope is that it actually is trademarked, and that she’s making bank on its pervasiveness.

I mean, what she claims is not impossible.  She could figured it out during a round of This is the church and this is the steeple gone bad.  I haven’t seen it in use until recent years, and it seems like a simple gesture to devise.

But was she the one who told Taylor Swift about it?  Because Swift claims she invented it, and her fans claim that Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, et. al. stole it from her.

All that matters is did this woman really trademark what she calls The HeartMark™?  Because I have an idea of my own:

My trademark... Deez Nuts™.

The Silver Lining… Nielsen Ratings

Posted on by sgottahurt

(SIDENOTE: This category of post used to be In Defense Of, but I’ve seen tons somes of In Defense Of’s all over the TripleDoubleU, so I’ve decided to change my angle on the same subject.  Voilà The Silver Lining!)

The People Meter, a.k.a. The Grating Ratings Box

When I was a kid, it was my dream to be a Nielsen Family.  In my mind, the concept was simple: we must watch TV.  (Or if NBC still had their druthers, we Must See TV.)

In reality, though, it’s not that simple (here’s the simpler explanation).  Nielsen is a monopoly (TiVo is a distant second in terms of tracking viewership).  And mostly families considered “less-well-off” (TRANSLATION: anyone that can’t afford to time shift the shows they watch or skip commercials) are the sample public.  What this means to TV fans is if you can skip past the commercials, that show will get cancelled.

So shows like Firefly and Arrested Development, and more recently, possibly NBC’s Community, suffer because their fans don’t watch commercials (“commercial-watcher” could become a fairly cruel epithet… at least as cruel as “mouth-breather”).

So where’s The Silver Lining?

In a nutshell, the Nielsen Ratings are a good indicator if the show I’m watching is actually good or not.  It didn’t used to be that way when we only had three channels to watch, but in these days of cable and the TripleDoubleU, the converse is true.

Don’t believe me?

American Idol gets high-ratings every year, and for most seasons, I’ve watched it.  I know it’s brain garbage, but the Nielsen Ratings prove that it is gray fecal matter.  Need another example?  American Horror Story’s season finale drew the highest numbers for FX ever, and that show sucked.

That’s really what this post is about… how much American Horror Story sucked.  And LOST, too.  Remember when that had high ratings?

So in closing, I must stick to my guns and not waste my time on any “popular” shows.  If a program makes it to a second season and the ratings were decent, that series just might be my cup of T… V.

In Defense Of… Some Of My Strange Sacred Cows

Posted on by sgottahurt

There are three things I’ve recently stumbled (or restumbled) upon that have bothered me.  If you would have asked me in advance if they would, I would have laughed at you and said:

I guess it’s possible.

Then I would have went back to my day.

Nonetheless, here they are, in no particular order:

  • At first. I was upset they made a sequel.  Then… I got really upset.

I’m not a fan of the film Hoosiers, but I recognize its place as a revered sports flick.  Maybe I need to see it again, but I remember seeing it during all the hoopla (pun!), and not thinking it was anything special.  So it took me by major surprise when I thought there was a sequel to the Gene Hackman classic, starring Matthew Perry instead.

It was called Hoosiers II: Senior Year.  My temper shot up the charts; how dare they, I cursed.

But then I found out it was a spoof preview that played at the ESPYS… and my anger didn’t subside:

IT’S SO FUCKING HORRIBLE I’D PREFER A SEQUEL!

  • I don’t think I’ll ever like Michelle Williams.

This is probably the best picture I've ever seen of her.

I can’t stand Michelle Williams.  I tolerate her, not only because she’s probably not leaving Hollywood any time soon, but because Heath Ledger had to see something in her (other than his baby).

I don’t find her disgusting, a terrible actress, or an awful human being.  So what causes this disdain?

Joey (Fucking) Potter

I loved Katie Holmes on Dawson’s Creek so much that it’s weird I can no longer stand her either (CRUISE! *shakes fist at the sky*)… you see, Williams played “the other girl,” Jen Lindley. whom Joey had to compete against for the affection of Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek), and I guess I can’t let that go.

(SIDENOTE: I should mention that I stopped watching the show pretty early on, although I know she and Pacey ended up together.  PACEY! *shakes fist at the sky*)

  • Please don’t let this become a trend.

You know how naming gimmicks come in waves… first there were commas:

Truly, Madly, Deeply / Girl, Interrupted / Definitely, Maybe

Now is it going to be four word titles?

Words! *shakes fist at the sky*

Martha Marcy May Marlene and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy are at the fourfront forefront of this impending trend.

Why can’t they use good ol’ commas, ampersands, articles, pronouns, and and’s like Blood, Guts, Bullets and Octane or The Cook, the Thief, His Wife, & Her Lover.  Even shorter lists do it, like Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels and Fast, Cheap & Out of Control.

Speaking of Martha Marcy May Marlene, did you know that Elizabeth Olsen is the younger sister of these two?

In Defense Of… Today’s Youth (Even Including Hipsters)

Posted on by sgottahurt

Let’s face it… as a collective whole, Generation X is a collective hole.  All we did was whine and dine on every technological change that made our pitiful existences that much easier to have more time to, well, whine more.

Our gut instincts tell us to poo-poo on this next gaggle of young adults, but like the babies of the family, they’ve seen what the Greatest Generation and the Baby Boomers and us have wrought, and they are ready to make the best of a bad situation.

To my Gen X’ers, nostalgia was just a fashion statement or a manifestation of our unwillingness to grow up.  To this next group, I think they see value.

For example, typewriters are as pointless as pretty much any technology modern cellphones have replaced spindles these days, but lest we forget them, today’s youth will find a way to reintroduce them:

Music tastes have changed through the decades, and rising musicians like Michigan-born Mayer Hawthorne, are working hard to keep styles such as Motown still alive:

And then there’s this movement:

Kids these days...

I’m 99% sure this next generation is are all right.

In Defense Of… The NBA Staying On Strike

Posted on by sgottahurt

I might be writing this completely prematurely, but I hope the NBA never comes back… this year.  And I’ll tell you why.

  • REASON 1 – THESE THREE PRICKS

Crybaby 1- Crybaby 2 - Crybaby Who?

When LeBron James and Chris Bosh met secretly with Dwyane Wade to discuss plans to join the Miami Heat, they essentially spit in the face of basketball.  And they didn’t even win the championship!  The tarnish they left on the game is comparable to the corked bat and steroid scandals in Major League Baseball – it changed everything, and definitely not for the better.  (Well, in the case of baseball, the game is improving with those cheats removed.  That’s why there have been more no-hitters the last few years.)

Now couple their brazen attitude with them pushing for a shortened season.  They think they can win if it doesn’t take as long to get to the finals, but doesn’t that mean there would always be an asterisk next the their victory?  The thing is – they don’t care.  And therefore, neither do I NBA…

  • REASON 2 – OUTGROWING THE GAME

Son to mother: "Look Ma, I'm slam dunking!" Mother to son: "You should be able to do that, dear."

As humans, we’re all getting bigger, and not just in the positive ways.  Whereas basketball courts and rims have stayed the same size.  In no other sport do I see this as of much as an issue, except perhaps one day in hockey.  Does this mean the sport should never come back?  No.  But while they’re on strike, I think they should take a look at this.

  • REASON 3 – THE TRUE REASON

Okay, this is pretty cool.

(image via)

No offense to the Detroit Pistons, but the last time all three Detroit teams won championships in the same year was 1935 – when the Pistons weren’t around!  (For the record, we’re the only city to do that.)

The Lions won the NFL Championship (no Super Bowl until 1967); The Tigers won the World Series; and the Red Wings won the Stanley Cup!

Other cities like New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Boston, Pittsburgh (!) and Baltimore (!!) have had multiple championships in one year.  We deserve another one.

SIDENOTE: I don’t count the Drive and the Shock match-ups with the Pistons and the Red Wings disrespectively.  And in 1952, the Lions and Wings won, but the Pistons were around by then.  I want all three!  (Check out the list here.)

In Defense Of… This Unlikely, Unlikable Couple

Posted on by sgottahurt

You may not know the names Doug Hutchison and Courtney Stoddard, but if you watch celebrity gossip shows, you know their faces:

This is marriage, with an emphasis on "age."

Yes, this is the happily wedded couple consisting of the 51-year-old Actor! and the 16- or 17-year-old Country Singer(?)!  Many uproarious reports have been filed and fed to the public, but I’m here to *ahem* defend them.

Why have I waited so long?  Basically, the bottom of the barrel has been scraped away, and they are what’s left.

To begin, I’m not going to get into any of the age junk; I’m more interested in the weirdness factor.  That’s the only thing I can defend.  They’re getting their own reality show, and it begs the question – is this what they’re all about?

Let’s examine other trainwrecks that have had their own reality shows:

In reality TV, their show would simply be a combination of The Real Housewives and Toddlers & Tiaras, and both of those are certifiable hits… and certifiable misses.

In Defense Of… Stick Figure Family Window Decals

Posted on by sgottahurt

This might be my most difficult In Defense Of yet.  Out of everything I’ve defended, I’ve found a silver lining.  But these things – I hate these things:

Revenge of the Son of the "Baby On Board" Signs, Part 2

And that’s just what it is, right?  It’s the latest parental fad, like those old Baby on Board signs:

Baby, I'm Bored...

They’re pointless and annoying.  All this coming from the guy that’s defended the dislikes of Justin Beiber!

So where do I begin?

Really?

They’re pointless.

So I’m going to have to dig deep within and point out a point.

Got it!

They’re ripe for comedy.  Check out this (possibly tasteless) video:

If people used these for comedic purposes rather than boastful, we might see the likes of this:

Could be a single lady's possible future...

Or maybe celebrities could get in on the trend to kill it:

Neil Patrick Harris' Family

Octomom (less the rest of her brood) or Kate Gosselin

Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus

I fear I’ve failed this In Defense Of, and this is what I should get:

In Defense Of… Heather Graham

Posted on by sgottahurt

She gets a lot of flack, so I just wanted Heather Graham to know I got her back.

As well as other parts...

I have a disclaimer to make… I’ve had a long-standing crush on Ms. Graham, ever since her early appearances in License to Drive and Diggstown (I knew both of those without looking her up on IMDb or Wikipedia, so there).  Group those roles together with her (very vital) character in Swingers, I should declare case closed.  But it’s not that simple.

DISCLAIMER #2 – I’m a sucker for big… eyes.  See: Katy Perry, Amanda Seyfried.

Anyhootersasinowlspeepers, another easy argument is she’s had a long career in distinguished comedies – Arrested Development, Scrubs (Dr. Molly Clock appeared in nine episodes), the aforementioned Swingers, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, Steve Martin’s Bowfinger and The Hangover.

And yes, she’s done her share of… more questionable… appearances, but one was in a highly celebrated film (Boogie Nights, which is not to be confused with another of her films that won’t win any arguments called Boogie Woogie).  She was in the widely-respected TV show (and movie) Twin Peaks, plus, she has starred beside Will Smith (Six Degrees of Separation), Robert Downey, Jr. (Two Girls and a Guy and a Pizza Place), William Hurt (Lost in Space), and Johnny Depp (From Hell).

Most recently, she was in a family film playing an aunt.  Roller Girl.  As an aunt.

This is not the image you hoped I would use.

Mira Sorvino didn’t have this career.  Marissa Tomei has an Academy Award, and she seems to have been scraping by ever since (she was Heather’s costar in The Guru).

(SIDENOTE: I don’t know why I isolated and picked on those two Actors!, but I know why I picked my closer.)

If anyone wants to knock Heather Graham’s talents, just remember… she could have turned out like Tara Reid:

This is a "before" picture... you don't want to see any "afters."