The Sh– To Just Sh–ty

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Cookie And Candy Bar (Plus Pop Bottle) Sizes

Posted on by sgottahurt

Either my hands have gotten bigger, or my cookies and candies have gotten smaller.  I should clarify, since I was a kid.  And also, that I’m talking about actual cookies and candies.

Anywhoppers, it appears to me we’re going the way of the Japanese.  Not in terms of soda flavors:

Coming soon: BBQ and Squid

But in the way that they are smaller than our 20 oz. versions and cost a fair amount more.

  • Pepsi Shiso: Introduced only in Japan as a limited edition for Summer 2009, it’s transparent green.  Size: 147 ml can, price: 147 yen.  Also available in 500ml plastic bottles.  Shiso in English is “labiate” or “perilla”. (via Wikipedia)
  • 147 Japanese yen = 1.624497 U.S. dollars
  • 500 ml = 16.9 oz. (which is a size now available in the US)
  • I’m done with the math, but you get it…

Our Twix’s and Chips Ahoy!’s and Milky Way’s and Oreo’s are exponentially shrinking in size maintain a lower price point.  This site details the trend without any additional references, while this site supplies information they acquired from the Hershey Company (I’m highlighting only key moments):

  • 1976 – 1.2 oz… 15 cents
  • 1978 – 1.2 oz… 25 cents
  • 1980 – 1.05 oz… 25 cents
  • 1982 – 1.45 oz… 30 cents
  • 1986 – 1.45 oz… 40 cents
  • 1986 (same year) – 1.65 oz… 40 cents
  • 1995 – 1.55 oz… 50 cents
  • 2003 – 1.55 oz… 80 cents
  • 2007 – 1.45 oz… 79 cents
  • 2010 – 1.55 oz… 95 cents

By this rate, I fear one day all my favorites will be way smaller than I remember, and cost way more than I’d care to pay.

What do they cost on E.T.'s Garden Planet?

Are Reese’s Pieces the sign of the apocalypse? Can they in fact be the proof in the pudding?  (Actually, Reese’s Pieces in vanilla pudding sounds really tasty.)  Let’s have a look…

  • 1.63 oz. bags in 1982
  • 43 g bags in 2010
  • 43 g = 1.51678036 oz.
  • So, I guess not, huh?

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… We Are The World

Posted on by sgottahurt

Just like (almost*) all remakes, We Are the World doesn’t even hold a candle to the original.  The thrill of all those superstars getting together for a great cause was unprecedented… at least for 1985.  No one seemed to be involved for the face time or the advancement of their careers because they already had plenty of face time and stable careers.

Soloists from the 1985 version (known as USA for Africa):

Not one of them (not even Kim Carnes, who had previously won two Grammy’s for Bette Davis Eyes) was an obscure artist.  Sure, chorus had its odd inclusions (Dan Aykroyd and Bette Midler par exemple), but the overall tone of the arrangement felt sincere.  Especially since Madonna wasn’t any part of it.

LINGERING QUESTION: Why didn’t Smokey Robinson get a solo part?

Now before ripping, um, getting into the new Artists for Haiti version, I must give pause to ponder: are my feelings based in nostalgia (which is like an underage female robot), or in actual taste?  Has the concept of this type of project been tainted by the likes of Voices that Care, I’m Fucking Ben Affleck, 30 Rock’s Kidney Now, and Huey Lewis’ I Am the World (videos below)?  Or am I simply jaded?

Without further ado, ugh, We Are the World 25 for Haiti (skip to the 1:12 mark to get around the egomaniac that is Jamie Foxx):

Could you make it through the entire thing?  You’re a brave soul indeed.  Now I can’t really fault or knock the intentions or the cause, but here are some things that I can knock:

  • Who the fuck is Justin Baby Bieber and why the fuck is he taking Lionel Richie’s spot?  Oh, he’s a YouTube star?  My bad.  (*wanking motion*)
  • A Pussycat Doll?  Srsly?
  • Academy Award-winning, non-American Idol-winning Jennifer Hudson can sing.  That’s for sure, but compared to the grouping above (save poor Kim Carnes), is she that big of a star?  (I was being figurative, no pun intended… even though I love puns.)
  • Even though I didn’t know who Jennifer Nettles was, I found out she’s from Sugarland.  I know think they’re a popular country band, so she earns her Kenny Rogers card.
  • The next stretch I can approve of: Tony Bennett, Janet Jackson, and Barbra Streisand. My only problem (besides the reused MJ footage) is it feels like foot-stomping.  (Foot-stomping = “Wah!  I didn’t get my turn!”)
  • Josh Groban and Mary J. Blige are welcome parties, but their presence (see what I did there?) reminded me of their comedy appearances below.
  • Fuck Miley Cyrus.  I don’t mean literally, of course.  Because she’s underage (and maybe a robot).
  • Enrique Iglesias has been around awhile, has family credentials, and brings a Latin flair, so okay.
  • Jamie Foxx simply leaves a bad taste in my mouth, er, ears, or whatever with his Ray Charles impression, so fuck him.
  • Another deserved stretch: Wyclef Jean, Adam Levine (of Maroon 5), Pink, BeBe Winans, Usher, Celine Dion, Fergie, and Toni Braxton, with passes for Mary Mary (gospel singers) and Isaac Slade (of The Fray).

This is when it turns Just Shitty:

In closing:

  • Why is the Pussycat Doll shown so much?
  • Why weren’t these artists given solos over some of the others: Gladys Knight, Natalie Cole, Faith Evans, or Rob Thomas (amongst others in the chorus)?
  • Srsly, why is the Pussycat Doll shown so much?
  • Why did Paul Haggis have to direct this?  And why couldn’t he get the core soloists together like in the original?
  • What is Wyclef saying at the end of the song?  Unity?  Piety?  R.U.T.?
  • And I just can’t shake the feeling that all these people have the same agent…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

*Dawn of the Dead and The Hills Have Eyes were decent remakes.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… The Cutting Edge

Posted on by sgottahurt

a.k.a. "Clash of the Olympians"

In honor of the upcoming Winter Olympics, I thought it was my place to present a film I consider to be The Shit and all the Just Shitty things that followed.

Not enough people know about this film, in my opinion.  The Cutting Edge would be, what I consider, the perfect gateway romantic comedy.  It’s like marijuana in the form of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

What I always liked about it was that Kate (Moira Kelly) was ‘the bad boy’ and Doug (D.B. Sweeney) had to win her over.  Yet Doug was still enough of ‘a bad boy’… oh, I’m not going to go into this any further.  Just know that it’s fun and funny and will provide you with the secret passphrase amongst us “Cutting Edgers” (not to be confused with “cutters”).  HINT: It has to deal with a part of an ice skate blade.

Now, I was going to go on to explain how the TV movie/direct-to-DVD sequels were Just Shitty, but in all fairness, I haven’t seen them.  I still assume they’re Just Shitty, of course, considering their plot synopses:

The Cutting Edge 2: Going for the Gold

  • Kate and Doug’s daughter, Jackie Dorsey, wants a Gold Medal of her own.
  • She gets hurt.
  • She get teamed with a non-figure skater named Alex (he’s a surfer/in-line skater).
  • They don’t get along.
  • They secretly fall in love.
  • They have a falling out.
  • They admit their mutual love.
  • They win!

The Cutting Edge 3: Chasing the Dream

  • Zach (who?) and Celeste (?!?) want a Gold Medal of their own.
  • Celeste gets hurt.
  • Zach gets teamed with a non-figure skater named Alex (seriously – her full name is Alejandra, and she’s a hockey player… CALLBACK!)
  • They don’t get along (and get trained by Jackie Dorsey… CONTINUITY!)
  • They secretly fall in love.
  • They have a falling out.
  • They admit their mutual love.
  • They win!
  • (What happened to Celeste?  Do I smell The Cutting Edge 4: On a Slippery Slope?)

Creative, huh?

Well, I figure that’s Just Shitty enough.  I going to go on and analyze D.B. Sweeney and Moira Kelly’s lackluster careers beyond this film, but both have gotten a pretty fair shake.

I liked her better when she was younger. Whodathunk?

To be honest, I was surprised at Moira’s success in recent years (she had a decent stint on The West Wing and is still (?) on One Tree Hill which is still (?) on (?)).

As for D.B., he’s kept busy, but as far as having a fruitful roll, does Brother Bear count?  How about Spike Lee’s Miracle at St. Anna?  He’s guest starred in a lot of TV shows, though.

I bet it has to deal with his initials…

Just go by Daniel Bernard, man...

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… John Cusack

Posted on by sgottahurt

"Nananananana... I'm not listening to this post."

The quest begins to pinpoint the moment that John Cusack went from being The Shit to becoming sort of Just Shitty.

In the annals (ha!) of this category, it is not necessarily a title one’s locked into and therefore it’s totally reversible.  With his upcoming films Hot Tub Time Machine and the possible Cosmic Banditos, the turd that has become his career could shine once again.

But what caused the descent into the drain?  Let’s take a trip in the Toilet Bowl Time Machine to find out.

“THE SHIT”

There are groupings to this phase, and they go like so…

1) The Early Cameos

  • Films included: Class, Sixteen Candles, Stand By Me, Broadcast News
  • These were crucial in helping him to get his face out there, help out a former director, or branch out into other genres.

2) The Adolescent Male Fantasy

  • Films included: The Sure Thing, Better Off Dead, One Crazy Summer, Hot Pursuit, Tapeheads
  • This grouping, of course, made me a fan.  Well, Better Off Dead made me a fan.

3) The Teenage Girl Fantasy

  • Films included: The Journey of Natty Gann kind of, Say Anything… totally
  • By the power of Cameron Crowe’s film alone, the stage was set for Cusack’s for middle-aged (film career) doom.

4) The Serious Actor!

  • Films included: Eight Men Out, Fat Man and Little Boy (he played Little Boy, me thinks),  The Grifters, True Colors, City Hall, Money for Nothing (was it a comedy… was it a drama… does anyone remember seeing it?)
  • This was the point he started getting to work with some serious talent.  Were they hits?  Mostly misses.  Wait, I’m sorry.  Mostly Ms.

5) The Woody Allen Experiments

  • Films included: Shadows and Fog, Bullets Over Broadway
  • For a minute, it seemed like Woody was going to have a new muse in the form of Cusack.  58, 59, finished…

6) The Late Cameos

  • Films included: Bob Roberts, The Player, Map of the Human Heart, Adaptation
  • These roles were primarily favors.

7) The Beginning of the End of the Century

  • Films included: Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, The Thin Red Line, Pushing Tin, Cradle Will Rock
  • Though none of these were hits – nor any good (The Thin Red Line is merely visual poetry) – they were still high-profile releases.

8) The Beginning of the End of His Reign as “The Shit”

  • Films included: Grosse Pointe Blank, Con Air, Being John Malkovich, High Fidelity
  • Arguably, my favorite group.  He wrote Grosse Pointe Blank and High Fidelity.

9) The Slippery Slope

  • Films included: America’s Sweethearts, Serendipity, Max, Identity, Runaway Jury
  • I actually liked Identity, but compare this batch to earlier batches and you’ll realize Cusack’s star-power has diminished.

“JUST SHITTY”

Some would argue that 2000 was the end of the era of his best work.  (Okay, at least I would argue, and then blame it on Y2K.)  But in 2005, John Cusack started blogging for The Huffington Post.  Then came:

10) Paint By Numbers

  • Films included: Must Love Dogs, The Ice Harvest, 1408, 2012, The Contract (released straight to DVD)
  • Um.  How about a romantic film?  Nope.
  • Action-comedy then?  Pfft.
  • Horror it is.  Not.
  • Disaster pic FTW!
  • (Direct-to-DVD FML…)

11) Independent Hopefuls

  • Films included: Martian Child, Grace is Gone, War, Inc.
  • I still intend to see these independent releases, and I may actually enjoy them, but let’s be honest.  Cusack’s Better Off Dead, Say Anything days are long behind him…

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… De-Evolution Of The Bar Scene, Explained By John Travolta’s Movie Choices

Posted on by sgottahurt

(UPDATE: I feel like I shortchanged the comparison. See the nickel’s worth improvement below.)

From Night Clubs to Sports Pubs to Corner Bars

The older you get, the more your tastes change.  Whereas you once lived and breathed for laser lights, booming bass, and whatever is in those smoke machines (I like to imagine nerdy children are in the basement clapping erasers in front of fans), one day you couldn’t.

So then you hit up the deal bars (the theme bars, chain restaurants, and sports pubs) because it was still counted as “going out” and “being social” and you were still “getting yo’ drink on” (does anyone say that anymore?), but then it was too far to travel.

So then you just go to the bar closest to home.  You know… those places where the nicotine absorbed by the ceilings and the walls are the only things holding it together.

Here’s a brief history of John Travolta film options that illustrate the de-evolution of the bar scene the older we get:

From Saturday Night Fever to Look Who's Talking to Wild Hogs

From Saturday Night Fever to Look Who's Talking to Wild Hogs

Saturday Night Club Fever – There are no limits to the unexplained popularity of something that’s not quite so good.

Look Who’s Talking On The TV – The possibility that you are dancing at a sports bar is directly proportionate to the possibility that a baby thinks in Bruce Willis’ voice.  Also relatable – beer prices and John Travolta’s paycheck.

Swill’d Hogs – Ever hear of the phrase, phoning it in when referring to something that’s easy?  Well, walking to the corner tavern and starring in a lame film are synonyms.  If phrases can have synonyms…

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… This Decade For Me

Posted on by sgottahurt

Last year at this time, I decided to have a New Year’s Resolution Revolution and solve some problems.  This year – I’m evaluating my decade.  Everybody else is doin’ it, so why not me.

The end of the last decade was The Shit:

1999

  • Having just returned from spending a month in Europe, and ready to sell pc’s again at Circuit Shitty making very good commission money… only to learn that Y2K was keeping everyone from buying.
  • I took up a second job working overnight at Target where I met many of the people who would stay friends throughout the decade.

The start of this decade:

2000

  • After quitting both the above retailers, I was an extra in the movie 61*.
  • I started at my current job, and then…

Nothing much.  For ten years.  Awesome.

(Not So) Artistic Representation

The above graph is representative of what my sister once told me:

Most people live in the real world and dip into the fantasy world.  You [“I” – Ed.] do the exact opposite.

This past year, I think I might have joined the rest of the world.

I might have grown up.

And time will only tell if that’s Just Shitty…

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… When Luke Wilson Met AT&T

Posted on by sgottahurt

"It's not like I was doing much else..."

Gather ’round, gather ’round, oh ye of the current Idiocracy… it’s time for a little history lesson.

Once upon a time, AT&T was The Shit.  Mostly, this was due to the fact it was The Only Shit out there, but allow me to quickly sum up the company’s roots:

  • 1878 – Once Alexander Graham Bell “invents” the telephone (it’s still debated whether or not he stole the patent from another), his business partners try to sell the rights to the telephone to Western Union.  They turn it down (the sale price was $100,000, or $2.2 million in today’s dollars).
  • 1879 – Instead, Bell’s partners start the Bell Telephone Company (which would go through several name changes in the early years).  They would ultimately purchase a portion of Western Union in 1881.
  • 1880 – AT&T Long Lines are put in place that provide long distance calling between New York and Chicago.  It was a separate entity from American Bell (the current name at that point), and it would ultimately purchase its parent company at the end of 1899.
  • 1913 – American Telephone & Telegraph (their full name) signs the Kingsbury Commitment with our government which allows them to keep a monopoly on the country’s phone system.  It stays pretty much in effect until 1984!

So to recap, Bell might have stolen credit for inventing the phone, Bell’s partners buy out a chunk of the company they tried to do business with previously, and the resulting company runs the show in America for over 100 years legally!  The Shit!

Nowadays, since getting further and further away from land lines, AT&T sucks.  Should my iPhone drop calls?  I don’t think so! Therefore, Just Shitty! (Personally, I blame the Cingular/SBC buyouts for this, but more on this in a second.)

Enter Luke Wilson, Owen’s younger brother.  A formerly shooting star that has since hit a speed bump (what would be the equivalent in space… an SBC satellite?), let’s check out his track record:

  • 1996 – Bottle Rocket
  • 1998 – Home Fries and Rushmore
  • 2000 – Charlie’s Angels
  • 2001 – Legally Blonde and The Royal Tenenbaums
  • 2002 – Old School, Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, and Legally Blonde 2
  • 2004 – Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
  • 2005 – Idiocracy

Now are all of those hits?  No.  But they are all popular and some are my favorites (those underlined).  I would qualify his first ten years to AT&T’s first hundred… that is, he was The Shit, or at least on the path to fully encompassing it.

What happened that lead him to ultimately costar in a film with Jessica Simpson?  It certainly wasn’t Blonde Ambition blind ambition.  I’m calling it the Idiocracy Curse.  The film was supposed to be released in 2005, but it was pushed back and subsequently dumped into 130 theaters the following year, and onto DVD the next.  It has since achieved a cult status and is frighteningly prescient.  But since then, Luke Wilson hasn’t had a hit or even a near miss.  Does this make him Just Shitty?

Well, when SBC acquired AT&T in 2005 (the Idiocracy Curse!), they officially attained their Just Shitty status.

When did Luke Wilson attain his?

(Here’s to hoping both can attain their former glory, and my iPhone won’t drop anymore calls!)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Movie Themes

Posted on by sgottahurt

(I apologize for the slow load on this page, but I decided to collect the clips for easier access.  And sorry the list is so long, but I wanted to prove a point.)

When talking about a movie’s score, modern audiences probably think it has something to do with how much it made at the box office on opening weekend, or what it’s rated on Rotten Tomatoes.  In actuality, the movie’s score – primarily the theme song – should be more than a cue to what you’re supposed to feel throughout watching the flick.  It should capture the spirit of the story in a melody… one that you can carry with you in a hum.

As a child, all my favorites had excellent theme songs (you can hum them without a hint):

  • Star Wars
  • Indiana Jones
  • Superman
  • Back to the Future
  • E.T.
  • Jaws
  • James Bond
  • Rocky
  • Batman (Michael Keaton)

(the rest of the list is continued after the jump) Read More

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Ferris Bueller – I Mean, Matthew Broderick

Posted on by sgottahurt

When I think of someone who is the epitome of The Shit, my mind immediately conjures Ferris Bueller.  A friend to all, a schemer, a dreamer, and a figment of Cameron Frye’s imagination (?), Matthew Broderick brought the ultimate cool-guy to life (and paved the way as a future archetype for Parker Lewis and Zack Morris).

And in the first half of his career, Matthew Broderick was The Shit.  Need proof?

matthew_broderick_good

I don’t think anyone could argue against the fact that these are good movies.

Then this happened:

sarah_jessica_parker

Sarah Jessica Parker.  Well, it’s her or being in The Cable Guy.*  The cursed Jim Carrey vehicle came out in ’96, and the pair married in May of ’97, so the timing is a little fuzzy, but as a result, this is what followed:

matthew_broderick_bad

Now don’t get me wrong.  There were a few glimmers of hope peppered in there (independent films, such as Election and You Can Count on Me were great).  And there are some films I haven’t even mentioned.  (I never saw The Producers, so I can’t comment on its quality, but I did see Finding Amanda, and that was pointless.  Therefore, it’s a wash…)  But I’d say the best chance at redemption came through his guest appearance on 30 Rock:

 

30rock-cooter-broderick-baldwin

Dubya called him Cooter Burger. Or should I say, "dubbed him."

A good comedy series where he plays a dad that used to be The Shit à la Ferris Bueller might be a cool idea, and a career saver.  It could be called Back In My Day, or something like that.  Say, that’s a really good idea… how do you copyright a blog post?

 

ferris_bueller_laid_off

Or he could make this movie...

*It actually could have been The Road to Wellville that started the slip.  I didn’t count it because it came out the same year as The Lion King, but the film did revolve around colonics – and that’s Just Shitty.

JusWondering… Can I Jam Pack Many Halloween Posts In One Post? Yes.

Posted on by sgottahurt

Happy Find… Man Up Your Girly Boy This Halloween

Courtesy of the Onion News Network comes this gem.  What I like best is the part where they’re mean to the kids…

 

In My Brain While Sleeping… A Costume I Never Would Have Thought Of While Awake

Blah blah blah subconscious something something weird dream… I met a man wearing this costume and when I inquired about it, he pulled granite from his pocket, placed it on the last stair and said:

 

staircostume

"I'm Rock Bottom."

 

Drunken Recollection… Two Gorillas Are Better Than One

My cousin Steve and I have matching costumes.  We debuted them last week at my brother’s party.  It was a blast.  The next day, I had another party to attend, but I opted to go as Hipster Jesus.  Another gorilla was there, and my heart broke a little…

 

Musical Musings…  How Do You Kill The Gill Man?

Is this a good song? No.  But does the Monster Mash really deserve being the only Halloween song? (Not counting Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, of course.)

(Lyrics available after the jump)

 

Awful Battle… Worst Halloween Costumes

Take your pick of this litter.  And by litter, I mean trash.  Not like litter of puppies or litter of kittens.  (BTW, they all win the Awful Battle.

 

InASense, Lost… This Sex Toy Bites

Ever hear of the Fleshlight?  Well here’s the Succu-Dry.  And it blows.

 

VampireFleshlight

Do Not Vant

 

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Did PB Max Get “Discontinued” For Peanut Butter Twix?

 

pbmaxtwix

PB Max... PB Twix... hmm...

I loved PB Max almost instantly when it was released in 1990.  It was the companion candy to the caramel Twix bars I’d eat everyday.  (There was a 5¢ mail-in rebate deal on each wrapper, so I binged one summer, sent them all in, and received a $5 check 6-8 weeks later.  You can do the math.)

Anysweettooth, seemingly as quickly as the candy burst on the scene, by th mid-90’s, it was gone.  A couple more years passed and all-of-the-sudden there was a Peanut Butter Twix bar (and the original became Caramel Twix with a capital-C, as you candy C see).

There were claims that the PB Max didn’t make it because the Mars family hated peanut butter.  But lo and behold, they eventually made and continue to make the spin-off to their double-cookie-bar-covered-in-something-coated-in-chocolate classic.

 

Hibbidy-Wah?! What’s Wrong With This Kid?

 

The Shit To Just Shitty… The Adventure Of It All

Whatever happened to all the razor blades in apples and the kidnappings?  The night’s supposed to be scary for kids.  It’s like a PG-13 horror film these days.

 

Worth 1002 Words… My Old Halloween Costume Edition

 

optimus

Boxing Match

 

(lyrics to Halloween Survival Guide, you know, in case your ears aren’t working)

Read More