Sports

Musical Musings… Bands Named After Sports Jargon

Posted on by sgottahurt

He used that card to pick out his shirt color at Sears.

 

With all the brouhaha about the World Cup (and the brew-ha-ha’s over funny beer cups), I started thinking… hey, the band Yellowcard must have gotten their band name from yellow cards.  Since I got the soccer-referenced band name out-of-the-way, let’s move onto some others: 

FOOTBALL

Not this kind of nickel back...

 

Nickelback is a Canadian band named after a position in an American sport.  They claim their name is in reference to change band member Mike Kroeger would return to customers while working at Starbucks, but that’s suspect.  Under this pretense, the band could have been named Sixcentsback or Buck-O-Nine.  I’m sticking to the football ties. 

Helmet could fall under football… or baseball… or hockey… or bicycling… but I tend to believe their moniker derives from Vikings… if Vikings were condoms. 

HOCKEY

When you only got 100 years to live, you don't need to see crap like this.

 

You wouldn’t think a guy with a high-pitched falsetto would be a hockey fan, but John Ondrasik must be enough of when to name his band himself, Five for Fighting.  I was going to let this be a standalone entry, until I came across a mention of The Zambonis.  “Who they hell are they?” I said to myself.  “I won’t include them if I never heard any of their music.”  Turns out, I did.  Hockey Monkey was the theme song to a short-lived show I enjoyed (and forgot to include on this list) called The Loop: 

BASEBALL

Alfred Hitchcock meets Christopher Lloyd and Tony Danza in "Birds in the Outfield"

 

Are you ready for the battle of the one hit (baseball pun!) wonders? 

One of my all-time favorite songs from the 80’s has to be Your Love by The Outfield, my primary entry for the All-American Rejects Sport.  On the other hand, Fastball’s The Way has to be one of the most annoying songs from the 90’s (mostly courtesy of overplay… but still). 

BASKETBALL

Bill Berry traveled from the Chicago Bulls to the Washington Wizards, but he's only one guy.

 

This sport was the toughest one.  I was hard half-court pressed to think of a single entry here.  And suddenly there were two (courtesy of my boss/friend Paul): 

  1. Blues Traveler (FYI and off subject – John Popper was hilarious in Z Rock)
  2. Travelling Wilburys

Stretches?  Both yes.  But basketball players are usually very tall… 

BONUS SPORTS, a.k.a. OVERTIME

RUNNERS UP

HONORABLE MENTION

Huey Lewis and the News for having albums entitled Sports and simply, Fore!

A Handful Of… Songs That Have Made Me, Um, Cry

Posted on by sgottahurt

This idea occurred to me after seeing whatever commercial uses Gene Wilder singing Pure Imagination from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  (To be fair, I’m pretty sure it’s for a certain telecommunication company, but since my cell phone can’t hold a call, my memory can’t hold a sponsor.)

Anygobstopper, here’s the original scene from the movie to move you:

What a haunting melody… man, was that movie dark or what?

Another classic that chokes me up fairly consistently: Harry Chapin’s Cat’s in the Cradle.

Damn, just looking these up is killing me.  Curse you Five for Fighting, and your 100 Years.

The next two are definitely more personal than the above, but no less inherently tear-jerky (well, perhaps one is more so than the other): Mike + The Mechanics’ The Living Years and Joe Jackson’s Steppin’ Out.

And finally Sarah McLachlan’s Angel gets a mention because of the ASPCA TV ads, not for City of Angels.

Wow.  This post wasn’t funny at all.  Let me remedy that with an anecdote I heard about Arnold Schwarzenegger today:

While golfing, the Governator asked an opponent, “When was you last blowjob?”  The guy responds with a laugh, “A couple nights ago, I guess.”  Then while the guy’s taking his swing, Arnie adds in the Terminator’s voice, “How did it taste?”   Needless to say, the guy choked (pun!)…

Finis.

(anecdote via Dakota and here)

Drunken Recollection… Concrete Jungle Where Drinks Are Made Of

Posted on by sgottahurt

Now that I’m clean-shaven and no longer look like this:

The bird is the word.

Or this:

I must admit, I missed my face.  I went through one day of phantom beard, but that was it.  I should mention my regret for removing the season-long Red Wings hockey beard on the first day of the Stanley Cup playoffs, but in order to fly to NYC without hassle, it seemed worth the hassle.  (Thank goatee they’re advancing to Round 2!)

Anysubway, I won’t bore you with the details.  All the details.  Just some of them.

Jay was Hitting One Liners Out of the Park

"Take me out to the ballgame, take me out to the crowd that wanted to beat up a guy for wearing a Mets' cap..."

On Friday, we headed to Yankee Stadium to see two of our beloved ex-Tigers play (Curtis Granderson and, um, Marcus Thames), and all day, my buddy Jay was calling ’em like he saw ’em.

Some of things he said that were actually documented:

I need to stop calling these trips vacations and start calling them work out retreats.

If I owned that shirt it’d be my third favorite shirt.

Hey I’m paying twenty bucks to look at empty stages tomorrow.

Steve: Who sings ‘I Can See Clearly Now the Rain is Gone?’
Jay: Ke$ha.

What are you? A garbophobe?

It’s getting all Wendy’s up in here! [This one was mine. – Ed.]

“It’s Getting All Wendy’s Up in Here!”

I wish I had photos as proof, but Wendy’s in Midtown is, simply put, insane.  I don’t think it was an isolated incident either.  The show Ugly Americans even gave a shout out to it.

At any rate, the breakdown of events (this all happened within fifteen minutes):

  • Some one threw their filled drink in the air.
  • A sober girl was trying to get a trashed girl up the stairs.
  • Steve slipped on the spilled drink and dropped everything but his drink.
  • Chris tripped down some stairs while holding only the top bun covered in its toppings.  (He wanted a plain one.)
  • Somebody left a strange package on one of the tables.  (I checked what it was, damned if I remember.)
  • A person kept screaming about how he wanted to kill everyone, and no one reacted.

I don’t know.  It seemed much crazier when I was trashed.

I’m So Proud of Myself for Something Not Proud

This photo's fuzziness doesn't even come close to my eyes' fuzziness that night.

On Saturday, we found a bar called No Idea and like the bar’s name, we had no idea what was in store (hee!).  We stopped here after not getting to play ping-pong at Susan Sarandon’s Spin because they were closing for a private party.

BONUS JAY QUOTE!

Here I was under the impression none of us played ping-pong.

The plan was this: kick back a few cheap drinks, make our way to bar hop in East Village, and finally check out P.D.T.’s in Crif Dogs (our missed mission from last year).  Let’s just say that plan’s quickly becoming an annual tradition.

As soon as the drinks kept flowing (courtesy of an all-you-can-drink party), the remainder of the night became a blur.

Oh yeah – my proud moment… I threw up and quickly returned to drink more.  I never knew I had it in me to do that!

The Drunk Idea of the Trip

Andrew Dice Clay’s reality show should have been called Rollin’ with Dice.  I was going to make a graphic, but fuck it (heehee!).

Awesome Battle… Final Foursome Revealed!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Here it is!  Your ultimate Final Foursome!  (For previous rounds, start here.)

The live-action version:

Michelangelo! Eric Cartman! Ray Stantz! Peter Venkman!

The animated version:

The action figure version:

As with other sports brackets, here are the results… plus other stats!

  • HEAD HONCHO: Peter Venkman 21 – Stan Marsh 5
  • SECOND BANANA: Ray Stantz 14 – Raphael 9
  • ROUND OUT: Eric Cartman 13 – B.A. Baracus 11
  • WILD CARD: Michelangelo 12 – Toad 11

(More after the jump) Read More

Drunken Recollection… A Toilet Paper Roll’s Worth Of Ideas

Posted on by sgottahurt

Ever hear about fortress games?  Me neither.  But my friend Jay has recently become obsessed with them.  Our other friend has mocked him for purchasing so many different versions of the same game, but it should be noted that he owns dozens of first person shooters.  Touché.  (Or more appropriately, too lame.)

Any360, apparently I was familiar with fortress games, and in fact owned one myself:

Plants Vs. Zombies - A Battle for My Heart

It’s a fun game.  And a time drainer.  The concept is simple – build up your fortress to defend against invaders.  In the case of Plants Vs. Zombies, you plant vegetation to battle the living dead approaching your home.

Well prior to realizing what a fortress game was, I had Jay explain them to me.  He told me it was a single-player game, and I told him it’d be better as a multi-player.  Then voilá!  That should be a game!

A game where you get to be both the plants AND the zombies!  Each player would setup their zombie line of attack prior to beginning, and then as the war waged on, you’d arrange your plants!  For example.  Obviously it could be anything in the _____ vs. _____ situation.

Next item!  A new website!

Is any of that answer in English?

Yes, the site would be based on the above question:

uglychicksthatthinktheyrehot.com

I mentioned this idea at a Detroit Tiger’s game (hence the reason for the other mindedness), and a woman seated next to me that was attractive also liked the idea.

Next item! Exploding bats!

How awesome would it be if baseball bats exploded after every hit?

Answer: Very.

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Bigger… And… Faster… Ah, Forget It

Posted on by sgottahurt

"Draw Your Own Conclusions" Edition

Jimmy Johnson is an NFL coach that demands hard work and speed on the field.  When off the field, he promotes Extenze (I refuse to make the Z a capital letter).

Jimmy John’s is a sandwich shop that demands hard work and speed in the field.  When in the stores, they promote hard work and speed in creating tasty sandwiches.

Here are the Urban Dictionary definitions of jimmy and johnson.

I believe there is a comedy bit in here somewhere, but I don’t feel like shuffling through the gutters of my twelve-year-old mind.

So here’s an excellent bit from the Onion.  It will be doing the heavy lifting.

Oh wait – I’ve got it!

Top Ten Things Overheard By Jimmy Johnson At A Jimmy John’s After Taking ExtenZe (Dammit Z, You Got Me!)

10) Go long!  Old habit…

9) So you’re fast?

8) Extra meat please!

7) No Slim for me!

6) I just took an ExtenZe pill!

5) No, I don’t own this place!

4) That was quick!

3) How much?

2) That much!?

1) This pill ain’t doing dick for me!

Awesome Battle… Final Foursome – Final Round, Finally!

Posted on by sgottahurt

NOTE TO SELF: Do not undertake anything like this ever again.  There’s a reason I don’t partake in any sports pools at work – they’re tedious.  Creating and maintaining something similar is no less time-consuming.

That having been said, it’s been interesting and it’s been fun.  There have been definite upsets; there have been close calls.  Some rankings I got right (the Round Outs battle is between the first and second seeds); some I blew completely (or the Wild Cards lived up to their unexpected expectations).  I might have had different (and more varied) outcomes in my mind, but I can’t wait to create the ultimate Final Foursome’s group shot when this is over.

Remember to vote as much as you’d like… and tell your friends!

(Click to check out Round 1, Round 2, and Round 3…)

THE HEAD HONCHO (Round 3 Results)

  • Peter Venkman (#4) defeats John Lennon (#1), 8 (TOTAL VOTES: 72) – 6 (TOTAL VOTES: 56)
  • Stan Marsh (#7) defeats Davy Jones (#14), 10 (TOTAL VOTES: 47) – 3 (TOTAL VOTES: 40)

Who Should Be The Head Honcho?

(The rest are after the jump) Read More

Awesome Battle… Final Foursome – All Editions (Round 3)

Posted on by sgottahurt

We’re getting closer to creating the ultimate Final Foursome.  Without further babbling, here are the results from Round 2 and the brackets for Round 3!

THE HEAD HONCHOS

Results:

  • John Lennon (#1) 16 – Carrie Bradshaw (#9) 2
  • Peter Venkman (#4) 17 – Mario Mario (#12) 2
  • Davy Jones (#14) 13 – Alec Baldwin (#6) 8
  • Stan Marsh (#7) 10 – Vincent Chase (#15) 7

John Lennon vs. Peter Venkman

(The rest are after the jump) Read More

Awesome Battle… Final Foursome – Wild Card Edition (Round 2)

Posted on by sgottahurt

(For Round 2 of the Head Honchos bracket, click here.  For Round 2 of the Second Bananas bracket, click here.  For Round 2 of the Round Outs bracket, click here.)

THE WILD CARDS (Round 1 Results)

– Considering the licks the rest of the Seinfeld gang took (save George), it was of little surprise that Cosmo Kramer (#1) was defeated by Miranda Hobbes (#16), 48-23.  (This was the largest vote turnout of all.)  For those keeping tabs, Seinfeld has one representative; Sex and the City has two.

– Kenny McCormick (#2) outlives the Cowardly Lion (#15), with a score of 19-5.  South Park sweeps; The Wizard of Oz sneaks in one.

– Ringo Starr (#3) knocks out Po (#14), 35-7.  That makes The Beatles 4; Teletubbies 0.

– The next one would have been a tough choice for me, but it wasn’t as close as I thought.  Winston Zeddemore (#13) blasts H.M. “Howling Mad” Murdock (#4) with a 17-10 win.  The Ghostbusters join The Beatles and the South Park kids, with the entire foursome making it into Round 2; The A-Team has two.

– Another Sunny character, and the inspiration for this category (actually, this entire Awesome Battle was inspired by the Sunny crew), Charlie Day (#5) walks away with a victory against Mike Nesmith (#12), 26-12.  Make that two for It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and only one for The Monkees.

– The Human Torch (#6) barely blasts past Ellen DeGeneres (#11), 11-9.  There’s only one rep each from The Fantastic Four and the American Idol judges.

– Danny Baldwin (#7) and his run-ins with the law didn’t stand a chance against the 8-bit shorty, Toad (#10).  It’s a blow out at 26-2.  One Baldwin Brother and three characters from Super Mario Bros. 2 advance to Round 2.

– This one was Turtle vs. “Turtle,” and Turtle won out.  Michelangelo (#8) defeats Salvatore Assante (#9), 19-8.

Now let’s begin Round 2!

Michelangelo Vs. Miranda Hobbes

(more after the jump) Read More

Awesome Battle… Final Foursome – Round Outs Edition (Round 2)

Posted on by sgottahurt

(For Round 2 of the Head Honchos bracket, click here.  For Round 2 of the Second Bananas bracket, click here.  For Round 2 of the Wild Cards bracket, click here.)

The Round Outs bracket had a few surprises, and a couple of blow-outs.  Plus, it allowed some foursomes to be represented for the first time, and it marked the third winner in a row for some groups.

THE ROUND OUTS (Round 1 Results)

– Eric Cartman (#1) continues South Park’s success at making it to Round 2.  He defeated Laa-Laa easily (at the time of this posting), 29-1.

– B.A. Baracus (#2) wiped out Stephen Baldwin (#15), 16-3, making him the second A-Team member in Round 2.

– Much like the kids from South Park, the kids from Liverpool are cleaning up.  George Harrison (#3) used Peter Tork (#14) like a mop, 19-1.

– Donatello (#4) became the second Ninja Turtle in Round 2, knocking out the Tin Man (#13), 11-5.

– Princess Toadstool (#5) was the only character I used to defeat Super Mario Bros. 2 (because she floated).  Alas, she sunk Johnny “Drama” Chase (#12), one of the Chase Bros. if you will, 12-4.

– The American Idol judges finally have someone on the board!  Kara DioGuardi (#11) upsets Elaine Benes (#6), 22-9.

– The same thing goes for my favorite show on television right now!  Deandra “Sweet Dee” Reynolds (#10) makes It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia ring true.  She defeats Sex and the City’s Charlotte York (#7) barely at 10-8.

– Another bracket champ so far!  Egon Spengler (#8) makes it three Ghostbusters still hanging in there.  He defeats The Thing (#9), 15-5.  Things aren’t looking too fantastic for the Marvel heroes.

Now let’s move onto Round 2!

Eric Cartman vs. Egon Spengler

(more after the jump) Read More