A Handful Of… Acceptable Songs About God

I used to be a fairly religious person, but I’ve grown up.  I could get into arguments over the matter, but this post was enough arguing for me.  Do your thang and I’ll do mine.  That being said, I still can enjoy a clever song about the man/woman/matrix upstairs, and here’s A Handful Of Acceptable Songs About God:

  • Dishwalla’s Counting Blue Cars

It’s a playful tune about looking at the world through the lens of youth.  It also makes God a woman three years before Kevin Smith did.

  • The Caulfields’ Devil’s Diary

The Devil’s just looking for some wholesome lovin’.  And you can’t have God without the Devil.

  • The Fray’s You Found Me

God as a cigarette-smoking bum?  Much better than Joan Osborne’s bus rider

  • XTC’s Dear God

I had a coworker way back in the day that got really mad about this song (or rather, that Sarah McLachlan covered it).  My response?  “You don’t see anybody writing letters to Santa saying he doesn’t exist.”  My coworker didn’t get it.

  • Usher’s OMG

Punchline!

(SIDENOTE: Did you know he says “Oh” seventeen times in a row?!)

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monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… Are You Slimmy Ray?

What if I had a blog back in 1999?  Might I have written a post like this?

Just when I thought March of ’98 couldn’t be far enough behind me, another shitty, catchy, cash grab, ego trip of a song (?) has appeared on the airwaves, like an audio boil on FM’s backside.  The prior culprit: Jimmy Ray’s Are You Jimmy  Ray?  This January’s cold sore with a backbeat: Eminem’s My Name Is.  See which one is more cloying and annoying:

Did we really need another self-referencing pop tune?  Is this Eminem guy spoofing Jimmy Ray or ripping him off?  Luckily, the Jimmy Ray hype machine didn’t last long, so here’s to an expedient Eminem melt-in-the-hand send off.

(SIDENOTE: In reality, I still don’t like My Name Is much… Guilty Conscience was the song that changed my mind about Mr. Marshall Mathers.  Conversely, I really liked Fred Durst starting with his Faith remake and then Nookie.  Funny how things work out, eh?)

Awesome Battle… Heck, It’s Really A Cute Battle

I am not a fan of Depeche Mode, but this family from Columbia sure is.  After watching these, I heard Enjoy the Silence on the radio, and I couldn’t help but smile.

(SIDENOTE: When I was in high school, um, let’s see… 20 years ago… I remember this one girl gave a speech in our Honors English class about how squids are people, too.  I thought, “Squids aren’t people.  They’re squids!”  Apparently, this is what they called goth back in the day at my school, and goths squids liked Depeche Mode.  Don’t worry, I know what you’re thinking – He took Honors English?!)

Musical Musings… This Song Really Perturbs Me

Perturbs isn’t a word I use often, so thanks Atlas Genius.  This song up for examination is called Trojans, and it’s built around this hook:

Your trojan’s in my head.

What the fuck does that mean exactly?  This video offers little help other than the lyrics:

Are these self-proclaimed world-holding exceptional intellects (or are they really good at reading maps?) trying to say that someone has put a Trojan Horse in his head?  Or is it something else?

"Your Trojan Horse is in my head..."

“Your Trojan Horse is in my head…”

"Your Trojan warrior is in my head..."

“Your Trojan Warrior is in my head…”

"Your Trojan condom is in my head..."

“Your Trojan Condom is in my head…”

Musical Musings… Are We Sure This Wasn’t What The Mayans Warned Us About?

This video will speak for itself, but in case you can’t wait, let me prepare you:

Have you ever wanted to see children deal candy like it was drugs?
Have you ever wanted to see children drink ice tea out of paper bags like it was alcohol?
Have you ever wanted to see the guy that made Rebecca Black’s Friday video and song again?

You’ve been warned:

(SIDENOTE: Tweenchronic most definitely refers to marijuana, right?  Well, at least somebody spray paints over “Bieber Fever”…)

JusWondering… Who Knew That Flight Of The Conchords Could Be Improved Upon?

If you’re unfamiliar with the almost award-winning fourth-most-popular folk duo in New Zealand, Flight of the Conchords, then shame on you.  Or should I say lucky you because then here’s your first taste:

Here are the lyrics if you want to print them and sing (?) along:

So, you’re leaving, aren’t you?
I knew it when you said just then when you told me you were leaving
That’s when I definitely knew
But if you’re trying to break my heart
Your plan is flawed from the start
You can’t break my heart, it’s liquid
It melted when I met you
And as you turn around to leave
Don’t’ turn back to me
Don’t turn around and see if I’m crying
I’m not crying
I’m not crying
It’s just been raining on my face
And if you think you see some tear tracks down my face
Please don’t tell my mates
I’m not crying
No, I’m not crying
And if I am crying
It’s not because of you
It’s because I’m thinking of a friend of mine who you don’t know who is dying
That’s right, dying
These aren’t tears of sadness because you’re leaving me
I’ve just been cutting onions
I’m making a lasagna
For one
Oh, I’m not crying
No
There’s just a little bit of dust in my eye
That’s from the path that you made when you said your goodbye
I’m not weeping because you won’t be here to hold my hand
For your information there’s an inflammation in my tear gland
I’m not upset because you left me this way
My eyes are just a little sweaty today
They’ve been searching around
They’re like searching for you
They’ve been looking around
Even though I told them not to
These aren’t tears of sadness
They’re tears of joy
I’m just laughing
Ha ha ha-ha ha
Sitting at this table called love
Staring down at the irony of life
How come we’ve reached this fork in the road
And yet it cuts like a knife?
I’m not crying
I’m not crying
I’m not cry-y-y-y-
-y-y-y-y-ing

And here’s the original for comparison, I guess.  Even though there’s no comparing…

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Umbrella Corporation Is For Real

Nothing like a little Regenerate to improve your complexion.

Nothing like a little Regenerate to improve your complexion.

If you’re unaware of the Umbrella Corporation, here’s a sampling of one of their products:

In reality, it’s a youth-restoring product invented for  a movie/video game series involving zombies.  Or is it?

A little Regeneration, I mean, Meaningful Beauty goes a long way.

A little Regeneration, I mean, Meaningful Beauty goes a long way.

If it’s not that shit stuff, then how about this stuff shit?

Why does Justin Bieber have a perfume?

Why does Justin Bieber have a perfume?