Intoxication

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Celebrity Drinking Game Show

Posted on by sgottahurt

Sorta like this, but drunkier...

I’m really getting tired of dreaming up great ideas and having no creative power.  At least I have this blog.  Yup.

This dream surrounds a simple but possibly controversial concept:

Celebrities of varying degrees would be gathered to play drinking games like Presidents and Assholes, Beer Pong, and Quarters.  There will be winners; there will be losers.  Just like at regular award shows.  And they’ll get druuuunk.  Just like at regular award shows.

The Celebrity Drinking Game Show could be hosted by Charlie Sheen, since he’s an expert at partying and Winning! But since he’s been focused on staying “sober,” then maybe we could get this guy:

He's always looking for more celebs to rehab...

The Sh– To Even More The Sh–… The Schnitzelbank Song

Posted on by sgottahurt

I am in utter absolute glory.  I recently visited this German bar in Detroit:

Pictured: Dakota Inn of Detroit (Not Pictured: Surrounding Urban Blight)


It was in this very place that I thought I discovered the magnificent Schnitzelbank Song.  Here is the accompanying chart (because how awesome can a drinking song be without an accompanying chart):

Yes, that Haufen Mist is a pile of cow dung...


In public, it sort of went something like this (I swear the Dakota’s Inn version was 100x better):

But in all my research, I came to realize why this song has endeared itself so strongly to me.  And that reason why is this:

(SIDENOTE: It also explains why the name Otto von Schnitzelpusskrankengescheitmeyer has long been stuck in my subconscious…)

Happy Find… And A Surprisingly Sad Find

Posted on by sgottahurt

These two videos have already been out there for a week, and when I initially saw them, I thought they’d be huge – which they are.  But since then, I haven’t been able to get them out of my head.  So I figured I’d share them with you in case you haven’t caught them yet.

I’ll start with the sad one.  It’s a preview for the video game Dead Island, and it’s quite haunting:

This one is quite the opposite.  It involves a… well, I’ll let you watch and enjoy:

Drunken Recollection… Portlandia’s Theme

Posted on by sgottahurt

If you are not watching this show, you haven't seen it.

Friday’s are the one day of the week I’m most likely to spiral out of control.  It used to be Mondays and Tuesdays.  And Thursdays.  And Wednesdays.  And sometimes Sundays.  Rarely Saturdays because that’s amateur hour.  But yeah, these days, I’m lame and go the extra mile on Fridays.

Now don’t you go and worry that I don’t drink any of the other days.  Because I do.  Each day.  Almost exclusively.  (Yes, I know what exclusively means.)

Anyputabirdonit, the shows theme song reminded my friends and I of an 80’s song.  Here’s the theme (and not the awesome premise theme):

  • Feel It All Around by Washed Out

I initially thought it was:

  • Baby I Love Your Way by Peter Frampton

But I was on the wrong side of that emotion.  It actually reminded me (and us?) of this:

  • I’m Not in Love by 10cc

In closing, please click on putabirdonit and premise theme.  This show is fantastic.

Drunken Recollection… If The Rolling Stones Never Existed

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s not like I’m a huge fan of The Beatles and think their shit doesn’t stink (a dung Beatle, if you will), but you cannot deny the fact that they have had a major impact on pop culture.

On the other hand, one night over more than a few brews, I decided that The Rolling Stones could have “not” existed, and we wouldn’t be missing much.

Sure, this Saturday Night Live skit would have never existed:

And there would have been no Paint It Black for The Doors to cover. Wait, the version I thought was Jim Morrison and crew was Mick Jagger and crew?

Well, there would have been no Wild Horses for The Sundays to cover at least (and to be honest, we probably could have lived without this one):

And lastly, who would Johnny Depp have based his Captain Jack Sparrow on other than Keith Richards?

This is the cleanest they've EVER looked.

My list of other rockers he could have based the pirate on:

  • John Lennon (quiet, contemplative, bespectacled)
  • Paul McCartney (smarmy, polite, vegetarian)
  • Ringo Starr (drummer)
  • Meat Loaf (this could have really worked)

Bitch Tits himself.

And with that, the argument discussion ended.

After all was said and done, I really wanted to hear this song for some reason, and did you know the B-52’s Love Shack lyric

Tin roof – rusted!

means pregnant, and not on her period? You’re welcome.

Drunken Recollection… “Where’s Rock Bottom?”

Posted on by sgottahurt

To preface, this is the New Place Lounge in Dearborn, Michigan, pictured from the outside:

Uncensored

And this is the New Place Lounge pictured from the inside:

Uncensored

Now imagine a night that I had been drinking, um, for a good six hours, and someone told me she was going to be at the above new place lounge:

Scent-sored

Now imagine my shock at this news, and me running outside to promptly call them.  Here’s how the conversation sort of went:

LADY – New Place Lounge.

ME – Is Debbie Gibson going to play there?!

LADY – You don’t have to yell.  I can hear you perfectly fine.

ME – I’m sorry.  It sounded loud on your end so I tried to compensate!  Is it true Debbie Gibson is going to be playing at your bar?!

LADY – You’re still yelling.  (unintelligible)  She’ll be playing at Rock Bottom.

ME – Rock Bottom?  Where’s Rock Bottom?!

LADY – (hangs up)

I immediately turned to the TripleDoubleU on my phone to find out where a Rock Bottom was locally because I knew there was one in Chicago, but my efforts were fruitless.  I gave up and decided to research the next day.

A couple of hours of sleep and a McDonald’s breakfast later, I translated what I’d actually heard:

LADY – For her to play here, she’d have to hit rock bottom.

TAH-DAH!

(SIDENOTE: I should have also prefaced that in my preadolescence, I was in love with Debbie Gibson.  Don’t click this – it’s the gayest straight thing I ever wrote.)

JusWondering And InASense, Lost… Could This Actually Taste Good, And F— You Up?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I sure loves me some chocolate milk.  It is pure delight, especially with Oreos and Chips Ahoy!

I also sure loves me some booze.  It is pure delight with Taco Bell and pizza!

But can the two work together?  This company sure thinks so…

Introducing Adult Chocolate Milk!

What do they mean re-taste?! I still drink chocolate milk!

With a 20% alcohol content, it better leave you feeling dairy effed up.  Too bad it’s only available in Arizona, California, and Minnesota currently, and it’s super expensive to ship.  Because I could really go for some booze and cookies…

Drunken Recollection… Wedding Train Of Thought

Posted on by sgottahurt

A (Not So Artistic) Literal Wedding Train

I didn’t ever intend this blog to contain a lot of music-related posts, but I can’t help it.  Music is everywhere.  In movies.  On MTV TV.  In my car.  Which I am in.  A lot.  For work.  Not to live.

So this post will be about a quick train of thought about a few songs that occurred at – you guessed it – a wedding.

First came this song:

We couldn’t remember who sung Wind of Change, and the ambient noise was too loud for Shazam took do its job, so I had to do it the old fashioned way.  I Googled it.

Turned out to be by the German band, Scorpions, and it was released in 1990, which was later than I had expected.  We also found out Scorpions had also performed the song, Send Me an Angel.

We confused it with this version by Real Life:

(SIDENOTE: The above version is from 1983.  There was also a 1989 edition if you’re interested.  We didn’t know the Scorpions‘ tune of the same name at all.)

The other mixed-up train of thought occurred when we thought Nights in White Satin (which I always thought was about knights that wore satin armor in protest since I never really listened to the words) was by Procol Harum.

Nope.  It was by The Moody Blues.  Procol Harum’s most famous diddy was A Whiter Shade of Pale.

Coinkydinkily, they were both released in 1967, and their videos are after the jump.

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In My Brain While Sleeping… Belligerent Smurfs

Posted on by sgottahurt

Wino Smurf, er, Champagno Smurf?

This one’s a quick one.  My friends and I were at a concert.  We were drinking a craaaazy amount.  Oh.  And we were all Smurfs.  We were in cartoon form, but we existed in the real world, à la Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Or the upcoming Smurfs movie.  But cel animated.  Not CGI*.  Thank you.

Barfly Smurf

*yes, you better Smurfing believe this is happening…

(SIDENOTE: But then again, CGI could look like cel animation.  Take a gander at this Roger Rabbit 2 screen test.  He’s 100% computer generated.)

In My Brain While Sleeping… When Nature Attacks (Because You Didn’t Drink Beer)

Posted on by sgottahurt

It's a little bit of "Ah, Nature" vs. "Aaaaaah, Nature!"

The dream started off normal enough.

I was hanging out with a group of friends at a bar, drinking, when all of a sudden, one of my friends was launched into the air by a wooden stool.

It kind of happened like this:

We rushed to his aid and helped him up.  Somebody checked the stool and there was nothing remarkable about it.  He said he was fine, so we continued drinking.  Rather than trusting another seat, my previously airborne friend opted to lean against the wood-paneled wall.  He chose to be sober that night, so he asked the waitress for another glass of water to replace the last one he spilled.

That’s when the wall blasted him across the room somehow, even though its surface remained in tact.

In a blood curdling whelp, he begged the question, “Why?”  That’s when a creature that looked like this:

It's a "Sudowoodo" from Pokémon.

…except meaner explained everything.

When you choose not to partake entirely in the sacrifice that nature has made for your enjoyment, it is an insult to the remainder of nature you have used.

Tonight, we, the wooden chairs and wooden walls, have lashed back because you refused to honor our fallen hops and barley brethren.

So the moral of the dream is this: DRINK.