InASense Lost | monkeyBLOG monkeyDO

JusWondering… Can I Jam Pack Many Halloween Posts In One Post? Yes.

Posted on October 30, 2009 by sgottahurt

Happy Find… Man Up Your Girly Boy This Halloween

Courtesy of the Onion News Network comes this gem. What I like best is the part where they’re mean to the kids…

In My Brain While Sleeping… A Costume I Never Would Have Thought Of While Awake

Blah blah blah subconscious something something weird dream… I met a man wearing this costume and when I inquired about it, he pulled granite from his pocket, placed it on the last stair and said:

"I'm Rock Bottom."

Drunken Recollection… Two Gorillas Are Better Than One

My cousin Steve and I have matching costumes. We debuted them last week at my brother’s party. It was a blast. The next day, I had another party to attend, but I opted to go as Hipster Jesus. Another gorilla was there, and my heart broke a little…

Musical Musings… How Do You Kill The Gill Man?

Is this a good song? No. But does the Monster Mash really deserve being the only Halloween song? (Not counting Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, of course.)

(Lyrics available after the jump)

Awful Battle… Worst Halloween Costumes

Take your pick of this litter. And by litter, I mean trash. Not like litter of puppies or litter of kittens. (BTW, they all win the Awful Battle.

InASense, Lost… This Sex Toy Bites

Ever hear of the Fleshlight? Well here’s the Succu-Dry. And it blows.

Do Not Vant

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Did PB Max Get “Discontinued” For Peanut Butter Twix?

PB Max... PB Twix... hmm...

I loved PB Max almost instantly when it was released in 1990. It was the companion candy to the caramel Twix bars I’d eat everyday. (There was a 5¢ mail-in rebate deal on each wrapper, so I binged one summer, sent them all in, and received a $5 check 6-8 weeks later. You can do the math.)

Anysweettooth, seemingly as quickly as the candy burst on the scene, by th mid-90’s, it was gone. A couple more years passed and all-of-the-sudden there was a Peanut Butter Twix bar (and the original became Caramel Twix with a capital-C, as you candy C see).

There were claims that the PB Max didn’t make it because the Mars family hated peanut butter. But lo and behold, they eventually made and continue to make the spin-off to their double-cookie-bar-covered-in-something-coated-in-chocolate classic.

Hibbidy-Wah?! What’s Wrong With This Kid?

The Shit To Just Shitty… The Adventure Of It All

Whatever happened to all the razor blades in apples and the kidnappings? The night’s supposed to be scary for kids. It’s like a PG-13 horror film these days.

Worth 1002 Words… My Old Halloween Costume Edition

Boxing Match

(lyrics to Halloween Survival Guide, you know, in case your ears aren’t working)

InASense, Lost… Fetish Tots

Posted on October 27, 2009 by sgottahurt

Oh, hi. I didn’t see you there.

I was about cook up a plate of Soylant Green before I sealed up the doors and windows. We want to keep out those pesky vampires (or zombies… no one’s for sure). The reason why I’m doing all this? It’s because hell has arrived on Earth in the form of:

Why is the theme to Rugrats stuck in my head?

Recently on display at the Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco, the company states via their website that product will be available Winter 2010.

Samples:

fetishtots2 fetish-tots All I have left to say is this: pack for cold weather.

We’re for damn sure heading to the coldest layer of Dante’s Inferno.

I’ll be joining everyone else as soon as I finish eating this old person sandwich.

(more here at Something Awful)

InASense, Lost… Balloon Boy And His Ilk (Also, “Up” Dropping 11/10)

Posted on October 16, 2009 by sgottahurt

Ah, balloon boy.

Balloon boy, balloon boy, balloon boy.

Your mother and father wanted you to steal our hearts and imaginations, but all you did was help them crash a giant flying Jiffy Pop bag. And you may not have done that…

But one thing you did for sure – you totally crashed their dreams of more exposure.*

(SIDENOTE: Disney/Pixar’s UP will be available November 10th on Blu-ray and DVD)

Arriving November 10th

So let’s make this clear. Six-year Falcon Heene confessed stated:

You guys said, ‘We did this for the show.’

Which show was he talking about? Another episode of ABC’s Wife Swap? (They’ve already participated in two key parties swaps.)

Oh yeah, did I mention that on the 10th of November, you can get your own copy of Disney/Pixar’s UP on Blu-ray or DVD?

Buy It November 10th

What makes me mad about this fiasco is that so much time, money, and effort was donated to and wasted on what was possibly some big publicity stunt. It definitely detracts from other miracles involving children in dangerous situations, such as this little girl in Washington:

Or this infant in Australia:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

In both of these instances, those we’re supposed to protect were not, but they luckily seemed to be protected by some higher power, call it whatever name you pull out of the hat. And though these two children faced minor injury (but maybe major trauma), their stories of survival are far more interesting than some goof played by some goofball parents and their goofball kid. And they named him Falcon? Seriously?

*Disney/Pixar’s UP is finally “landing” on Blu-ray and DVD. Look for it November 10th.

On Shelves November 10th

BONUS VOMIT VIDEO:

InASense, Lost… HotMilk Lingerie

Posted on October 2, 2009 by sgottahurt

The film American Pie introduced the world to a couple of notable items:

Stiffler
Guess what four-letter word he's thinking of...
Shitbreak
Who hasn't been there on a Sunday morning?
A horrific connection to apple pie (no image necessary)
And the concept of MILF’s (courtesy of Stiffler’s Mom)

That film came out eons ago, so I’m left to wonder… why does this commercial trouble me so? (The ending kind of freaks me out.)

Now I know it’s not as horrible as a dick hole in a pie, and maybe I’m being unenlightened by thinking this, but why do things keep breaking in that video? Is her stomach knocking up over shit? Is she crazy? Isn’t that dangerous to have an expectant mother in heels walking around smashed glass?

So many questions…

InASense, Lost… Chuck E. Cheese Has Gone Bleu

Posted on September 21, 2009 by sgottahurt

When I was a kid, there was a place I was allowed to be one, fully and freely.

If I wanted to do any of the following:

run around
eat pizza
puke up fountain pop
play skeeball
crack open the coin container on the spaceship ride and stock up on shit tons (which is way more than crap loads) of tokens
collect a crap load of tickets
stock up on magic tricks received in fair trade of the aforementioned tickets
beat little kids at air hockey in order to overrun the table for my friends and I

I could. At ShowBiz Pizza Place. That was back before they were bought out and became Chuck E. Cheese and changed their name.

Anyzaxxon, when I was a kid, the arcade games were really what it was all about. Paperboy, Tron, watching somebody else play Dragon’s Lair. These are where my memories truly remain.

So imagine my surprise (I think this is my catch phrase for all my InASense, Lost posts) when I visited Chuck E. Cheese after a long hiatus (it was my friends’ offspring’s first birthday), and this was their game selection?

It's a virtual jump rope game. And my fantasy?

The joystick placement made me feel uncomfortable. As did the Hungry Dragon's face.

"Canning Master" makes me think of "sodomy." As does "Mr. Brown."

Nothing too bad, I guess. But again with the fantasy?

Um...

InASense, Lost… A Pole Dancer Doll? I Give Up

Posted on September 10, 2009 by sgottahurt

Put a fork in me. I’m done. No seriously. I’m totally cooked in inside, or roasted, or toasted, or melty gooey. Forget the fork; get a pitchfork.

Even though it’s not available here (although lest we forget, we still have Bratz Dolls… go hourglass figure), this still exists in the world:

Are the coke habit and bastard child being watched by mom sold separately?

Naive me first thought that the doll might be this kind of Poll Dancer:

"I'm taking a survey... It'll cost you $1 per answer."

Even if it’s culturally insensitive (but it’s okay to say because I am one), this would have been an acceptable Pole Dancer toy:

The Polish are good at four things: dancing, drinking, and counting.

I mean, with that doll existing, what’s the worst that could happen?

Are there enough pitchforks to go-go around?

InASense, Lost… Getting Drunk With The Tiny Toons

Posted on August 16, 2009 by sgottahurt

Where's the Sunny D and purple stuff?

I just read an interesting fact idea this week. I don’t recall it verbatim, but the gist was this:

If alcoholic products were invented today, they’d never make it through to market.

One might think this is interesting, poignant, and sobering (these might all be redundant, but I’m too lazy, sluggish, and apathetic to double-check), but I find it harrowing. If it wasn’t invented oh-so-long ago by the monks, Jesus, the French, and Siberians, booze might have to be procured by illegal means. And what would I do at the bar and sporting events were that the case? More importantly, how would ugly people do the kamanawanaleia?

And as a bystander caught in the crossfire of a ripple in the time-space continuum that lead lead to alcohol’s disappearance, this Tiny Toons cartoon would have never existed:

This bit came from an episode entitled Elephant Issues, and as far as I’ve looked into it, it’s only aired once in this country (September 18, 1991).

A few problems I found with the segment:

When I had my first sip of beer, I got “the shakes” which was not depicted well by the characters. Nowadays, I call that shaking “getting my groove on.”
After one sip, they all start belching to a tune. I don’t know about the ladies out there, but to myself and most men, belching in key is a big selling point for beer.
The references to bars and money and martini glasses feels incomplete. Where are the silhouettes of strippers? Amiright?
If that bottle was a forty, I’d believe it could last that long and trash a couple of kids animals Tiny Toons. But I’ve seen them get shot in the face, fall off cliffs, and get blown up by dynamite. One 12 oz. bottle… not buying it.
And about that solo 12 oz. bottle being the only thing in the fridge at the beginning… that looked a lot like my fridge!
The entire thing is in insulting to hobos and drunks everywhere.
And man, was that animation kinda crappy, or what?

I think Buster, Hampton, and Plucky need the Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue!

InASense, Lost… Mario and Princess Sex Tape (CollegeHumor)

Posted on August 5, 2009 by sgottahurt

Since my last InASense, Lost dealt with 4-bit pornography in video games, it’s only fitting that I bring to you this 8-bit pornography.

WARNING: Heavy nerdy references to the Super Mario Bros. Universe… and heavy shrieking by Princess Peach.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “InASense, Lost… Mario and Princess …“, posted with vodpod

InASense, Lost… Atari 2600 Porno?

Posted on July 25, 2009 by sgottahurt

Fuzzy memories of my 80’s childhood are sprinkled with diverse moments, such as:

time spent in front of the living room TV (our only TV) watching classic shows like Manimal and Baby Makes Five
time spent in front of the living room TV documenting every game on The Price Is Right
time spent in front of the living room TV playing Kaboom! on our Atari 2600
time spent in front of the living room TV sleeping

Man, I loved that living room TV. It was encased in wood and its screen was somewhere around 30 inches across. There were no dials. Instead, it had touch sensor controls. You could change the channel with your toes! (Because there was no remote, you see.)

Anybarnstorming, as per usual, the past wasn’t as innocent as remembered. Was anyone else aware this existed?

Custer's Lost Standards

Released the same year as the awful E.T. (and the good one), developer Mystique released several adult-themed Atari 2600 games, of which Custer’s Revenge was its most infamous. Oh, in case you were wondering about the graphics and the game play, have at it:

Let it be known, I’m fully aware everyone looks at their past with rose-colored glasses, but now I feel the need to wear a trench coat, too… because that’s what perverts do. Or so I remember heard…

BONUS: Mystique’s other two releases were Bachelor Party (pic below) and Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em (for the most graphic 4-bit pic, click here).

Their 'Breakout' Tit - I mean, Hit - I mean, Failure

InASense, Lost… Baby Stripper Shoes?

Posted on July 13, 2009 by sgottahurt

File this one under, “Are You Fucking Kidding Me?” This picture pretty much says it all (if you didn’t believe this post’s title):

Glass bottomed heels are optional.

So okay, high heels aren’t specifically “stripper shoes,” but they definitely are in poor taste and bad judgment when you put them on an infant. It’s as bad as putting writing on the back of actual baby shorts and sweatpants. Moms – little girls aren’t your living dolls, accessories, or Chihuahuas… they’re new people. New human beings. Full of life and potential. I’m not saying it’s a sure path to coke-whoring despair, but there are better options.

See how these moms react:

I could go on and on about how this idea may be the worst thing since:

Only a Dad would buy this shirt

But my explanations would sway no one and only come across as redundant to your reactions.

That’s why should I happen to have a daughter of my own, I’m going to raise her to trust no one. I’ll encourage her to be a little reporter and investigator, and she’ll come home and tell me all the things she’s uncovered. We’ll create journals and files and collect news clippings. That way my daughter will be a little more Veronica Mars than Gossip Girl.

Or super seriously paranoid.

Maybe I shouldn’t be a parent…

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