In Defense Of

In Defense Of… The NBA Staying On Strike

Posted on by sgottahurt

I might be writing this completely prematurely, but I hope the NBA never comes back… this year.  And I’ll tell you why.

  • REASON 1 – THESE THREE PRICKS

Crybaby 1- Crybaby 2 - Crybaby Who?

When LeBron James and Chris Bosh met secretly with Dwyane Wade to discuss plans to join the Miami Heat, they essentially spit in the face of basketball.  And they didn’t even win the championship!  The tarnish they left on the game is comparable to the corked bat and steroid scandals in Major League Baseball – it changed everything, and definitely not for the better.  (Well, in the case of baseball, the game is improving with those cheats removed.  That’s why there have been more no-hitters the last few years.)

Now couple their brazen attitude with them pushing for a shortened season.  They think they can win if it doesn’t take as long to get to the finals, but doesn’t that mean there would always be an asterisk next the their victory?  The thing is – they don’t care.  And therefore, neither do I NBA…

  • REASON 2 – OUTGROWING THE GAME

Son to mother: "Look Ma, I'm slam dunking!" Mother to son: "You should be able to do that, dear."

As humans, we’re all getting bigger, and not just in the positive ways.  Whereas basketball courts and rims have stayed the same size.  In no other sport do I see this as of much as an issue, except perhaps one day in hockey.  Does this mean the sport should never come back?  No.  But while they’re on strike, I think they should take a look at this.

  • REASON 3 – THE TRUE REASON

Okay, this is pretty cool.

(image via)

No offense to the Detroit Pistons, but the last time all three Detroit teams won championships in the same year was 1935 – when the Pistons weren’t around!  (For the record, we’re the only city to do that.)

The Lions won the NFL Championship (no Super Bowl until 1967); The Tigers won the World Series; and the Red Wings won the Stanley Cup!

Other cities like New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Boston, Pittsburgh (!) and Baltimore (!!) have had multiple championships in one year.  We deserve another one.

SIDENOTE: I don’t count the Drive and the Shock match-ups with the Pistons and the Red Wings disrespectively.  And in 1952, the Lions and Wings won, but the Pistons were around by then.  I want all three!  (Check out the list here.)

In Defense Of… This Unlikely, Unlikable Couple

Posted on by sgottahurt

You may not know the names Doug Hutchison and Courtney Stoddard, but if you watch celebrity gossip shows, you know their faces:

This is marriage, with an emphasis on "age."

Yes, this is the happily wedded couple consisting of the 51-year-old Actor! and the 16- or 17-year-old Country Singer(?)!  Many uproarious reports have been filed and fed to the public, but I’m here to *ahem* defend them.

Why have I waited so long?  Basically, the bottom of the barrel has been scraped away, and they are what’s left.

To begin, I’m not going to get into any of the age junk; I’m more interested in the weirdness factor.  That’s the only thing I can defend.  They’re getting their own reality show, and it begs the question – is this what they’re all about?

Let’s examine other trainwrecks that have had their own reality shows:

In reality TV, their show would simply be a combination of The Real Housewives and Toddlers & Tiaras, and both of those are certifiable hits… and certifiable misses.

In Defense Of… Stick Figure Family Window Decals

Posted on by sgottahurt

This might be my most difficult In Defense Of yet.  Out of everything I’ve defended, I’ve found a silver lining.  But these things – I hate these things:

Revenge of the Son of the "Baby On Board" Signs, Part 2

And that’s just what it is, right?  It’s the latest parental fad, like those old Baby on Board signs:

Baby, I'm Bored...

They’re pointless and annoying.  All this coming from the guy that’s defended the dislikes of Justin Beiber!

So where do I begin?

Really?

They’re pointless.

So I’m going to have to dig deep within and point out a point.

Got it!

They’re ripe for comedy.  Check out this (possibly tasteless) video:

If people used these for comedic purposes rather than boastful, we might see the likes of this:

Could be a single lady's possible future...

Or maybe celebrities could get in on the trend to kill it:

Neil Patrick Harris' Family

Octomom (less the rest of her brood) or Kate Gosselin

Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus

I fear I’ve failed this In Defense Of, and this is what I should get:

In Defense Of… Heather Graham

Posted on by sgottahurt

She gets a lot of flack, so I just wanted Heather Graham to know I got her back.

As well as other parts...

I have a disclaimer to make… I’ve had a long-standing crush on Ms. Graham, ever since her early appearances in License to Drive and Diggstown (I knew both of those without looking her up on IMDb or Wikipedia, so there).  Group those roles together with her (very vital) character in Swingers, I should declare case closed.  But it’s not that simple.

DISCLAIMER #2 – I’m a sucker for big… eyes.  See: Katy Perry, Amanda Seyfried.

Anyhootersasinowlspeepers, another easy argument is she’s had a long career in distinguished comedies – Arrested Development, Scrubs (Dr. Molly Clock appeared in nine episodes), the aforementioned Swingers, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, Steve Martin’s Bowfinger and The Hangover.

And yes, she’s done her share of… more questionable… appearances, but one was in a highly celebrated film (Boogie Nights, which is not to be confused with another of her films that won’t win any arguments called Boogie Woogie).  She was in the widely-respected TV show (and movie) Twin Peaks, plus, she has starred beside Will Smith (Six Degrees of Separation), Robert Downey, Jr. (Two Girls and a Guy and a Pizza Place), William Hurt (Lost in Space), and Johnny Depp (From Hell).

Most recently, she was in a family film playing an aunt.  Roller Girl.  As an aunt.

This is not the image you hoped I would use.

Mira Sorvino didn’t have this career.  Marissa Tomei has an Academy Award, and she seems to have been scraping by ever since (she was Heather’s costar in The Guru).

(SIDENOTE: I don’t know why I isolated and picked on those two Actors!, but I know why I picked my closer.)

If anyone wants to knock Heather Graham’s talents, just remember… she could have turned out like Tara Reid:

This is a "before" picture... you don't want to see any "afters."

In Defense Of… Jon Benjamin Has A Van

Posted on by sgottahurt

I feel like I’m alone on an island, or in a windowless van, because nobody else I know likes Jon Benjamin Has a Van.

As someone put it (while I was likely drunk, so I don’t remember who):

It’s too weird to be mainstream, and not weird enough to be Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!

If you’re unfamiliar with anything I’m talking about, here’s a clip from JBHV:

Come on… that’s funny… enough.

Everything can’t be It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia:

Here’s the thing – H. Jon Benjamin is overdue for some serious screen time.  The first thing I saw him in was Baby Pranks, and that’s from 2006:

That was on the DVD for Home Movies, in which he played Coach McGuirk:

And don’t forget about his roles as/in Archer and Bob’s Burgers:

I guess what I’m saying is that it’s on Cartoon Network, they have weird things that require an acquired taste.

Hmm, what was that?  It’s on Comedy Central?

Jon Benjamin Has a Van, you will be missed, by only me apparently.  May you one day get referenced by Daniel Tosh before a commercial break.

In Defense Of… Gross Things On Etsy

Posted on by sgottahurt

This should have been a Hibbidy-Wah?! post.  This could have been a JusWondering, or part of an Awful Battle, or something from InASense, Lost, but the thought crossed my mind to defend it.

WHY DID I EVER CONSIDER DEFENDING THIS?!

(images after the jump as not to offend the casual viewer… Facebookers and Twitterers, I’m sorry… it’s too late…)

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In Defense Of… Michael Bay

Posted on by sgottahurt

This might be the hardest one yet.  (Why do I have a feeling that will always be the feeling?)

I’m about speak In Defense Of…

Michael. Fucking. Bay.

"I get bold, italics, underlining, periods, and fucking? Boom goes the dynamite... and everything else!"

I didn’t think I’d get here so soon, but it’s befitting since Transformers: Dark of the Moon is finally here.  I haven’t seen it yet, but moron more on that soon.

Where can I begin my defense?

  • He’s certainly has a knack for creating great visual spectacles. 

But that argument can be countered by pointing out how shaky the fight scenes were in the first two Transformers films, or how explosions stand in for plot progression.  Another issue is his childish – nay – infantile sense of humor that leaks through into his films (peeing robots and robots with balls, for example).

  • People really like his movies.

Do they?  Do they really?  Or is it the spectacle as mentioned above. Let’s run through his catalog real quick, accompanied by Rotten Tomatoes’ aggregated ratings:

  1. Bad Boys (43%)
  2. The Rock (67%)
  3. Armageddon (40%)
  4. Pearl Harbor (25%)
  5. Bad Boys II (23%)
  6. The Island (40%)
  7. Transformers (57%)
  8. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (20%)
  9. Transformers: Dark of the Moon (37%)

How many are technically great movies?  The Rock?  How much of that was due to Nick Cage, Sean Connery, and Ed Harris, though?

And don’t get me started with his production company, Platinum Dunes.  They’re responsible for most of the crappy horror film remakes that have come out in the last eight years.  So no… it’s not that people really like his movies.

  • People really like going to his movies.

He’s the eighth highest domestic grossing director up to 2009 for a reason.   Hell, I have to admit I’ve seen every single one of those movies above at the theater except the latest one, and I can’t wait to see it this weekend!  It looks like the special effects are really cleaned up, and I’ll be able to tell what the Transformers are doing!  I’m probably even going to pay extra to see 3D, and I typically hate 3D!

I know I’ve talked shit about him many times before, and I probably will in the future, but my biggest defense for him is that he gets people to the theaters.  That’s his job and he does it well.  Once we’re there, well, that’s a different story about story and content.  But I’m usually content.  I don’t hate his films with the same ferocity I unleash on Brett Ratner’s greasy prints or  M. Night Shyamalan’s twit-twisters (I avoid their films like the plague).

  • Above all else, Michael Bay is a skilled, technical filmmaker.

Being a flawed storyteller doesn’t make him bad.  If that was the case, I’d bitch about Tim Burton more often.

(SIDENOTE: If I can’t get convince you with any of the above, then you should know this.  When he was a kid, he donated all his Bar Mitzvah money to a local animal shelter.  That’s something.)

In Defense Of… LeBron James

Posted on by sgottahurt

Talk about a double-take.

Millions of Americans are probably more than ecstatic to join in the schadenfreude that is the defeat of LeBron James and his Miami Heat at the hands of the Dallas Mavericks in the NBA Finals, so I’m taking on my biggest challenge yet.  I am going to be In Defense Of one of the most indefensible players in all professional sports.  So where to begin?

The Beginning

  • LeBron James was born in Ohio and he played for a team from Ohio.  So that’s something.

Even though he was drafted?

  • Um… from 2006 to 2010, he lead the Cleveland Cavaliers to the appearances in the playoffs.  In 2007, he took them all the way to the The Finals, the team’s only appearance.  That’s pretty good.

Wasn’t that the season that one ref got busted for fixing games?

The Betrayal

When “The Decision” was made to switch teams before this past season, James took a lot of heat for the way he went about it.  He has since apologized for that course of action, and even though some may have viewed it as coming a bit too late, he still did it.  Remember, he didn’t have to do it at all.

When the Heat fell to the Mavericks in only six games, James took a lot of slack for this comment:

All the people that were rooting for me to fail, at the end of the day, they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today. They have the same personal problems they had today. I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things that I want to do with me and my family and be happy with that. They can get a few days or a few months or whatever the case may be on being happy about not only myself, but the Miami Heat not accomplishing their goal, but they have to get back to the real world at some point.

Taken out of context, it can come off as pretentious and douche-y, but he even had to clarify this.  And he didn’t have to:

Basically, I was saying, at the end of the day, this season is over and with all the hatred not only myself, everyone else has to move on with their lives as well. They have to move on with their lives and their day-to-day, good or bad, and I do, too. At the end of the day, I’ve got to move on with my life. So it wasn’t saying that I’m superior or better than anyone else, any man or woman on this planet. I’m not.

Let’s think about his decision in real world terms:

  • He was 25 years old
  • He was presented a chance to play with a team that has won a championship
  • That team is managed by Pat Riley who has 6 championships under his belt (one as player, five as coach)
  • Florida vs. Ohio
  • Miami vs. Cleveland

The Final Breakdown

I could go into a dovetail of defenses, stating at least he hasn’t been caught sexting, he hasn’t been accused of rape, he hasn’t been involved in any dogfighting rings, or he hasn’t shot himself in the leg, but I won’t.

Everybody’s mad at him because he’s a Midwestern kid that turned his back on the Midwest and made a big deal about it.  He got cocky.  That’s really the root of it all in a nutshell.

I heard one reporter state that when James first returned to face the Cavaliers in his new uniform, the fans could have affected his game much more by giving a standing ovation – not booing.  He would have regretted his choice, potentially, rather than feed his drive to prove every one of his old fans wrong.

The Slamdunk

After all of this, you may agree or disagree, but I have one last line of defense.  Of all the athletes that have taken a crack at acting (O.J. Simpson, Shaquille O’Neal, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Michael Jordan, Brett Favre, Dan Marino), I feel LeBron James (all the LeBrons) may be the best:

It’s too bad his first film has been postponed, a comedy entitled Ballers.  They claim to still be developing the script, but perhaps their reconsidering just the title…

Bawlers

(There’s more Nike commercials featuring The LeBrons after the jumpshot…)

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In Defense Of… The Twilight Series

Posted on by sgottahurt

The best part of the Twilight series is that it’s closer to being over.  Just like Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the final book in the series will be split into two films, Breaking Dawn, Part 1:

They were "thisclose" to going with Breaking Wind.

And of course, Breaking Dawn, Part 2.  (SIDENOTE: If this wasn’t a post In Defense Of the films, I might have added that I needed to spell that out to the fans, but it is, so I won’t.)

Anyedward, to stand up for this pop culture phenomenon, I could use writer/director Kevin Smith’s logic:

But I’m going to go with anti-logic instead.  (SIDENOTE: Again, if this wasn’t a post In Defense Of the films… well, you know.)

My big defense is at least it’s not this film:

In Defense Of… Ashton Kutcher

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is only my third In Defense Of post, so I haven’t fully developed my method of argument.  But wait.  I don’t really have a method for anything on this site.  Moving on…

This time I want to come to Ashton Kutcher’s defense.  Is he in need of arguments for him?  Are you really asking that?

Dude, you're not helping.

REASONS WHY PEOPLE HATE DON’T LIKE HIM

  1. Punk’d. He introduced not only this show, but this word, into the lexicon.  Kiss “Smile! You’re on Candid Camera!” goodbye forever.
  2. He made shitty movies.  Where to begin.  Um, Just Married, My Boss’s Daughter, Guess Who, A Lot Like Love, The Guardian, What Happens in Vegas, Spread, Valentine’s Day, and Killers.
  3. He’s replacing Charlie Sheen on “Two and a Half Men”.  It’s not so much that he’s replacing Charlie Sheen… it’s that he’s helping Two and a Half Men stay on the air!

REASONS WHY I’M DEFENDING HIM

  1. He was great as Kelso on “That 70’s Show”.  In character, he once deadpanned this line to Jackie (Mila Kunis), in regard to jellybeans: “I ate all the white ones ’cause I know you don’t like things that taste white!”  Classic.
  2. He made some enjoyable movies.  Love ’em or leave ’em, I really liked Dude, Where’s My Car! and the director’s cut of The Butterfly Effect.  Dude, he strangled himself with an umbilical cord in the womb!
  3. He’s produced some enjoyable TV.  I wish I would have watched more of Beauty and the Geek, I’m sad there weren’t more episodes of Miss Guided, and I hope there’s another season of True Beauty.
  4. He’s married to Demi Moore.  Sure, she doesn’t look like (click here) anymore, but still…
  5. This guy doesn’t seem to mind him, and that’s all right by me:

Or they like to smile when they fight. Either way.

So in closing, that’s five good reasons to defend him, over three reasons to hate on him.  As one of the original Two Men once said over and over and over again, “Winning!”