"I told you already... they don't have Happy Meals here."
And this one is clever (even though the glove is on the – NERD ALERT! – wrong hand):
"Did you want fried face with that?"
This one took a second glance to figure out he had mustard on his gown. Smock. Robe? I think I like “smock”…
Burger King really does put a lot of mustard on their burgers.
But something about this ad bothers me:
Haha, ha-- I don't get it.
The other ‘verts border on – dare I say it – cutesiness, whereas this one actually contains a deceased body in it. And not just any body, but a cheerleader. And not just a cheerleader, but a young lady in a strangely selected position.
It’s simply… tasteless overkill. And not in this (have it your) way:
More than a mouthful is truly a waist... grower...
(The campaign is a foreign one. Wonder if that has anything to do with it…)
Ever see the movie Nacho Libre? My friend recently told me his young sons love it, but it bothers him because it uses two bad words: floozy and douche.
I thought that was funny. No matter the misnomer, kids absorb it like a @##$% sucks up *&@%$ on a Tuesday.
This got me thinking about the etymology of the word – specifically douchebag – and how it’s beginning to feel like its power is waning. And I’m not suggesting that those people being dubbed one are accepting it, like how the cast of Jersey Shore adored being called guidos. It’s just that it seems like everybody’s a douchebag these days, and they can’t all be one, can they?
Maybe.
According to the always reliable Wikipedia, the feminine hygiene product became an insult in the 1960’s. According to Stephen King (or the other screenwriters), the word was well into play by September 1959.
From Stand By Me:
Chris: Yeah. So lets just say that I stole the milk money but old lady Simons stole it back from me. Suppose I told the story. Me, Chris Chambers, kid brother to Eyeball Chambers. Do you think anyone would have believed it?
Gordie: No.
Chris: And do you think that that bitch would have dared try something like that if it had been one of those douchebags from up on the View, if they had taken the money?
Gordie: No way!
The meteoric rise in this useful word’s, um, use has to deal with either one of two things:
My biggest fear is that by throwing around this word so willy-nilly (a phrase that has earned tons of power from disuse), douchebag will become as dull as idiot, moron, or crystal and clear in the early 90’s.
In closing, here’s an excerpt from an insightful article on Overthinking It. Author (a.k.a. blogger) mlawski posits:
Douches = tools of the patriarchy
Douchebags = patriarchal tools
“Douchebag” = not offensive to women
“Patriarchal tools,” hmm? Well, there are plenty of them around. Tons you might say…
This shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S! Or at least it’s P-L-A-N-T-A-I-N-S!
From my understanding (which translates to “I just learned this”), Lady Antebellum has been a part of the music scene since 2007, but I’ve only recently heard about the group courtesy of their simple and catchy crossover hit, Need You Now. The group is composed of Charles Kelley, Dave Haywood, and Hillary Scott(pictured above), which makes the trio’s name no less strange. It’s two guys and one lady. And antebellum means pre-war so no further help there.
Like Lady Sovereign before them and Lady Gaga after them, perhaps their moniker was inspired by…
Lady BIRD Johnson – former First Lady and husband to President LBJ (not to be confused with the president of LJN)
Lady VOLUNTEERS or“Sympathy for Lady VENGEANCE” – one’s a college basketball team from Tennessee and the other is a South Korean film… the ball’s in your court to decide which is which…
Lady XOC orLady XIN – a Mayan queen and a smart Chinese woman (insert sexist joke here)
Lady YANG – she was a Chinese consort, princess, and Taoist nun… in other words, she stayed busy…
Lady ZEP, Lady ZEPHRIS. orLady ZELDA – this is my favorite group… one’s a Led Zeppelin cover band, one’s a creature from World of Warcraft, and one’s a charter yacht… I couldn’t have made any one of those up
BONUS MUSICAL MUSING: I’ve intended to gripe about this for a while now, but I kept forgetting to. It’s more shit that is plantains, and I didn’t hear any mention of it anywhere else. Why was Katy Perry’s I Kissed a Girl (I’m not linking the video for spite) such a huge deal when Jill Sobule sang about the same thing back in 1995, when it was still sort of taboo? Nowadays, it’s kind of slutty.
SIDENOTE: I’m not saying I want it to stop.
BONUS NON-MUSICAL MUSING: Cougars grow up to become cat women.
I don’t say this often – mostly because the majority of things are not – but here I go… BRILLIANT!
I’ve often thought when perusing my Twitter feeds, “Why did he or she say that?”
Usually the that pertains to a variety of other inappropriate TMI-type things. Sometimes though, people report where they are at, and by stating that, they are informing us Twitter users where they are not, and that long run-on sentence leads me to this:
Either my hands have gotten bigger, or my cookies and candies have gotten smaller. I should clarify, since I was a kid. And also, that I’m talking about actual cookies and candies.
Anywhoppers, it appears to me we’re going the way of the Japanese. Not in terms of soda flavors:
Coming soon: BBQ and Squid
But in the way that they are smaller than our 20 oz. versions and cost a fair amount more.
Pepsi Shiso: Introduced only in Japan as a limited edition for Summer 2009, it’s transparent green. Size: 147 ml can, price: 147 yen. Also available in 500ml plastic bottles. Shiso in English is “labiate” or “perilla”. (via Wikipedia)
147 Japanese yen = 1.624497 U.S. dollars
500 ml = 16.9 oz. (which is a size now available in the US)
I’m done with the math, but you get it…
Our Twix’s and Chips Ahoy!’s and Milky Way’s and Oreo’s are exponentially shrinking in size maintain a lower price point. This site details the trend without any additional references, while this site supplies information they acquired from the Hershey Company (I’m highlighting only key moments):
1976 – 1.2 oz… 15 cents
1978 – 1.2 oz… 25 cents
1980 – 1.05 oz… 25 cents
1982 – 1.45 oz… 30 cents
1986 – 1.45 oz… 40 cents
1986 (same year) – 1.65 oz… 40 cents
1995 – 1.55 oz… 50 cents
2003 – 1.55 oz… 80 cents
2007 – 1.45 oz… 79 cents
2010 – 1.55 oz… 95 cents
By this rate, I fear one day all my favorites will be way smaller than I remember, and cost way more than I’d care to pay.
What do they cost on E.T.'s Garden Planet?
Are Reese’s Pieces the sign of the apocalypse? Can they in fact be the proof in the pudding? (Actually, Reese’s Pieces in vanilla pudding sounds really tasty.) Let’s have a look…
I’m really beginning to think I have my thumb on the pulse of my weird dreams.
EATING PEANUT BUTTER
These dream elements are merely that, without narrative. But each of these happened the nights I went to sleep after eating peanut butter, either on a bagel or in Reese’s Pieces.
EXHIBIT A The Strange Reincarnation Metaphor
On the list of possibilities of what happens after we die, reincarnation falls below nothing for me. It’s kind of hard to wrap my head around. But I have considered, if it does happen, maybe it’s not the path for everyone.
Much like how in this dream I had a variety of snacks growing out of the entirety of my right arm. My forearm was covered in smaller snacks, like Lifesaver mints and Good & Plenty’s (though not Reese’s Pieces). The closer to my neck, the larger the treats became, culminating in pretzel rods protruding like crystal spikes from my shoulder blades. I resembled a candy aisle version of Superman’s enemy, Doomsday:
There's a good chance those spikes are rock candy...
So what’s the reincarnation connection? All the foods could be snapped off and were completely (and grossly) edible, and most, but not all, of them would grow back. Like they were reincarnated, you see. It made sense in that dream sort of way – don’t think about it too much.
EXHIBIT B Summer Never Ends at the Jersey Shore
Was it necessary for my subconscious to dream up this exchange?
Angelina to Snooki –
You are to Cheetos what I am to popcorn.
Whatever that means.
Are they making the same face, or am I cross-eyed?
And that’s the situation… when I eat peanut butter and fall asleep.
While boozing with my fellow booze hounds not to long ago, a few wonderings popped in my head. These are them (is that proper English or proper drunk-speak?):
1) As a child, I was a fan of the wrong film series.
"I've made a huge mistake."
For most of my life, it’s been Star Wars all the way for me, baby. And as an (alleged) adult, I’ve paid for it dearly, both figuratively and literally.
Figuratively… in the sense that James Bond would have fostered my inner Lothario, as opposed to Luke Skywalker inspiring my inner whiny “hero.” (Granted, I could have looked to Han Solo, but he didn’t have a lightsaber and couldn’t use the Force.)
Literally… in the sense that I spent way too much fucking money on toys in a bid to recapture my lost youth.
On the other hand, if I had idolized Agent 007, I might have lived a life of danger (both in and out of the bedroom), but definitely his love of gadgetry would one day complement mine.
2) I should have picked different friends.
"Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?"
Some of my friends I’ve known since I was four years old. And at times I’m left to wonder, what does a kid know? I already mentioned that I chose to make Luke Skywalker my hero and not James Bond when I was a young ‘un. The incident that triggered this thought:
A friend-that-shall-go-unnamed-(though-he-knows-who-he-is) ran around Hooters getting the entire staff to sign the calendar he purchased for his toddler son. Although one girl was clever (and inappropriate). She wrote:
May your dreams be wet, and your diapers stay dry. (Or something like that.)
To be honest, it was the gayest heterosexual thing I’ve ever witnessed.
3) Why does twelve seem like it’s a plural form of twelf, like how it is with pants and pant?
4) If going “number one” and “number two” means what they mean, what would going “number three” on up represent?
BONUS SOBER WONDERING, WHICH I GUESS SHOULD BE AJusWondering:
Why can’t I stop watching this video?
Here’s the shortened version for a maximized quick hit:
I might have had a million dollar idea In My Brain While Sleeping. Consider this posting my poor man’s copyright.
In this dream, I happened to be in the toy section of a department store (surprise), and on one of the end caps I saw new candy display.
Bright blue bags of what appeared to be M&M’s filled the pegs, but they were called something different:It was a new candy/trading card-type game, like Pokemon or Yu-Gi-Oh! Basically, it was played like so…
Kids would buy a package (or more) of em-em-oh’s!
They’d face off against each other by opening their packs.
Upon discovering what character they had, they would battle their friends using the different colored M&M’s found inside as points.
As you lost points, you’d eat your candies.
Last one with candy left wins!
Each candy would have its own attribute:
Blue candies = amount of magic
Red candies = amount of life
Yellow candies = amount of money
Orange candies = amount of friend points
Brown candies = amount of land
The good guys would be called fren-em-em’s, while the bad guys would be called en-em-em’s.
(Not So) Artistic Representation of the "eMnivore"
The entire concept would be a branching out against of the proconceived notions about M&M’s, much like how Bionicle expanded Lego’s brand.
Food fight!
And they game would be replayable! You’d send in wrappers to get actual trading cards, and there would even be chasers – those rare wrappers with exclusive characters.
Once kids have the first series, others would follow. When new battles were waged, players would grab random handfuls of M&M’s, so future sales would remain stable, and possibly increase.
The only setback I see is parents of fat kids blaming em-em-oh’s! for their children’s woes.
My response to that: at least they’re playing with their food before eating.
DREAM INGREDIENTS: I was probably eating Reese’s Pieces before falling asleep.
monkeyBLOG monkeyDO 
