Film

The Silver Lining… At Least I Can Still Share “All Star Bowling Trick Shots” With You

Posted on by sgottahurt

This was going to be Worth 1002 Words, but I forgot I had one waiting.  You’ll see that tomorrow.  Instead, I’m upset I can’t embed videos unless they’re of a certain kind on WordPress anymore.  But like the title of the post says…

Air Robinson

Air Robinson

(SIDENOTE: You see, because that’s Craig Robinson of Hot Tub Time Machine and The Office, and he’s dun— oh, never mind. Watch the video by clicking here.  There are more stars than you can shake a stick at.  What’s that, you say?  You can shake a stick at seventeen stars?  Well then there’s as many stars as you specifically can shake a stick at.)

JusWondering… Which Is Worse – The Twilight Saga Or Twilight Fans?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I can’t take it anymore.  I’m beyond words.  I may really have to begin holding this against people.

If you like the Twilight films, I think there is something wrong with you.

Of course, the latest film The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 is in theaters now, so the actors are making their rounds on the late night circuit.

These are two of the clips they show to sell it:

Dumb doesn’t even begin to explain the people who paid to see this – the fifth film – at the show.

As an exclamation point, here’s Robert Pattinson swinging Kristen Stewart like a purse at the bad guys:

I'm on Team Mayan. Come on end of the world!

I’m on Team Mayan. Come on end of the world!

Happy Finds… The Triforce And A Hula Hoop

Posted on by sgottahurt

Video games and hula hoops might be considered childish things.

But what about a fake movie trailer based on a video game and a mesmerizing mellow dance routine using a hula hoop?

You’re not reading this anyway.  You’re looking at the videos, right?  I can say anything I want here, and I’m going to take full advantage of that.  I sometimes daydream about getting lick-attacked by, like, a dozen puppies.

In My Brain While Sleeping… Don Rickles And Garry Shandling’s Top-Secret Project

Posted on by sgottahurt

As usual, what the fuck is wrong with my subconscious?

In this particular dream, I met Don Rickles and after hanging out for a few drinks, he let me in on a top-secret project he was working on.  He told me that he and Garry Shandling had an upcoming talk show set to debut on FOX called “It’s Garry!”

It would take place in a boxing ring within a smoky environment, and there would be only two chairs facing each other, like Tom Snyder’s old Late Late Show.  Rickles would man the pull-down boom mike and would act as the trainer; Garry would portray different personalities for each interview, with names like Harry, Jerry, and Barry.

I guess it might look something like this:

It’s been a while since I’ve edited me some photos…

I would totally watch this show, and not just because I invented it without trying…

(SIDENOTE: Here’s Garry in his original uncomfortable environs…)

Oh the celebs he could get!

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… I Think It’s Time To Get A Bonsai… Maybe

Posted on by sgottahurt

Normally these are posts that would have taken place in the past if I had a blog, but this post is as much about now as it is about then.

Who hasn’t seen The Karate Kid, Part III?  Well, my guess is probably a lot of you, taking into consideration you might think it’s an upcoming sequel to the Jaden Smith flick, and it’s being filmed simultaneously as The Karate Kid, Part II, just like how they did Back to the Future The Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions The Lord of the Rings Trilogy The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Parts 1 & 2.

Anyiamthemanwhowillfightforyourhonor, here’s the poster with its awesome slogan:

First it was teacher to student.
Then it was father to son.
Now it’s man to man.

Fuck yeah!

So a lot of the 1989 classic (that’s right… I said classic) centers around Mr. Miyagi’s  bonsai tree shop wishes, and ever since then, I’ve sorta wanted one.

But I forgot that.

Until I got a pop-up ad reminding me.

But could I do it?  Could I actually care for one?!  They’re not the easiest (or cheapest) plants to raise.  I don’t think I’m cut out for it (no pun intended).  Or am I?  Sorry, but this post has rattled free my insecurity about many life matters.  I have to go now…

That’s a big little commitment.

Unofficial Trilogy… That Future Looks A Lot Like Our Present Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Call me a sucker for good sci-fi.  Good thing I’m not that big a sucker, though, because good sci-fi is rare.  Rarer still is sci-fi that takes place in the future, yet looks like our present (or near present).  Here’s a nice slideshow of the films in this Unofficial Trilogy:

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This already feels like I’m entering film school snob territory.  This is a French sci-fi noir film starring an ex-patriot American as a secret agent that carries around an Instamatic camera.  Yeah.  The thing like the app.  Back when it was brand new and seemed futuristic.  Anykodak, I remember this film being really cool… so cool it was even referenced in an episode of Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex.

I can tell I’ve lost you, so I won’t bring up that Alphaville’s Forever Young was my graduating class song, and I was pissed about that because I never heard of the group or the song, and then when I saw this film in college, it reminded me of how much I hated that song, and then The O.C. re-popularized it with a remake, and the rage returned, and…

When I first viewed this film, I had no expectations.  So my expectations weren’t blown away – my mind was.  I still maintain that this is the Citizen Kane of our time… an under-appreciated classic in every sense that will one day get its due.  It’s a film directed by a Mexican based on a book by a Brit about America now.  At least that’s what I thought when I watched it years ago.  Considering it’s about a world where no one can have children anymore, and Clive Owen has to protect a pregnant woman while wearing flip-flops, I don’t know why I thought that.  I really need to watch this film again.

Ever see Parts: The Clonus Horror The Island?  Well, this isn’t that movie.  But it’s similar, at least in its premise if not its time period.  The idea is simple – there’s a clone race of people who exist solely to provide organs for their original.  Where the similarities end is in the bittersweet acceptance of those fates.  Since The Island was directed by Michael Bay and Never Let Me Go is a British film, guess which one is about the clones fighting for their right to be free individuals and which one is a simple love story between people resigned to dying young?

(SIDENOTE: I just realized this are all technically foreign flicks.  Go figure.)

InASense, Lost… What Lesson Am I Supposed To Learn Here?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I always thought the saying went as such:

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

But then again, they also always say:

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.

So am I insane, or are they barely trying here?

A movie about guys with kids starring Anthony Anderson.

(SIDENOTE: The above is a 2004 film that received a 4% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes.)

A television show about baby daddies starring Anthony Anderson.

(SIDENOTE: The above NBC show received a 38% approval rating.  For NBC, that’s a hit!)

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Wallflower Bites?!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Love is to woe is me as films about love is to waaah is me.

Take the film adaptation of The Perks of Being a Wallflower as an example… an example already set previously by 1994’s Reality Bites:

Pictured in each poster: two dudes (one square, one “like, whatever”), short-haired pixie chick, wall.

If the posters are any indication, these are supposed to be the films that define the generations they’re made in.  But that shouldn’t be the case for TPOBAW (nerd acronym alert!).

The book written in 1999 by Stephen Chbosky actually takes place around the early 90’s in which sex, drugs, homosexuality, and aimlessness were common themes (a.k.a. buzzkills) also featured in RB (n.a.a. again!).  Does the same pre-social media angst of the 90’s translate to now?  If the posters can do it, so can the celluloid.

(SIDENOTE: I read and bought TPOBAW multiple times.  It was one of my favorites.  A Holden Caulfield for Gen-X’ers.  I’d hate it now.)

JusWondering… How Does This Even Qualify As A Cartoon?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Is this just a pog for the digital age? Really, I’m seriously asking…

I watch more cartoons than I should.  In fact, depending on the time of the year, my DVR may be 33% full of animated hijinks.

But this show… this show makes me feel like a parent (which I’m not).  Of all the swill shilling shit programming out there, this one… this one… you just need to see:

If the opening of BeyWheelz: Powered by BeyBlade is too unbearable to sit through, allow me to present a sample battle scene from this show:

Yes.  You saw exactly what you saw.  Two wheels riding into each other.  Not animals popping out of balls or cards.  Wheels.  Or pardon me, Wheelz.

These Wheelz.  Or pardon me, BeyWheelz.

I wonder if each set is based on a different episode.

Hasbro has gotten sloppy, power-hungry, or durrr since the success of the brain-dead-on-arrival Transformer films.  Even the cinematic floater called Battleship made them money in the worldwide market.  Perhaps their just setting their sights on dumb-proofing children so that one day a live-action BeyWheelz will be another future summer blockbuster.

Wait a second… BeyWheelz… Michael Bay… it might already be too late… 

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… So-Called Legends

Posted on by sgottahurt

It appears to me that the word legend gets thrown around an unfair amount.  So I’m gonna throw it around some more but with some context…

THE SHIT

This is the show’s equivalent to “Walk Like an Egyptian.”

In Avatar: The Last Airbender (the TV cartoon – not the movie), we are introduced to an amazing world where gifted individuals can bend (mentally manipulate) the four elements.  But Aang’s more of a legend than Korra at this series’ start.  This show that acts as a sequel not only brought us back to this world, but also a grown up one.  We’re only one season in, and although the finale was a bit too tidy, I can’t wait for more.  This desire to go back is the only thing that trumps what I deeply considered deeming The Shit, and instead opted to rank as…

NUMBER TWO

Look how fast they grow up. And different.

The only legend you need to know about Zelda is that she’s an easy kidnap.  The original game was incredible; I could never beat Zelda II: The Adventures of Link.  A Link to the Past was my next victory… and my last.  I’ve purchased virtually all the games in this series, but even though I play them like crazy when I first get them, I’ve yet to finish another.  I don’t even look forward to them half as much anymore.  I did get close to finishing Twilight Princess… but I just stopped.

BIRD TURD

“Who wants their ass kicked? That’s right… I said who!?”

Owls.  In.  Armor.  ‘Nuff said.

UNDEAD CRAP

“Here’s a little story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside-down.”

This Will Smith cash grab probably would have got a higher ranking from me if the they would have done one of two things:

  1. Not use CGI zombie/vampire/whatevers
  2. Kept the original ending where his character makes amends with the main CGI zombie/vampire/whatever

WHAT IS THIS SHIT?

It looks passable… and I don’t mean in the bowels sense.

This TV show is only so low because I know little about it.  I know I’ve heard good things about it, but I also know it was cancelled before its time, so to invest any time in catching up on it would be a waste of, um, time.  What they were seeking, I may never know, but if it ever gets picked up again, who knows?  Maybe I’ll seek out the DVD’s.

DINGLEBERRY CENTRAL

“No, this is not about Xenu.”

I haven’t seen this film in forever, and as much as seeing young Mia Sara could tempt me, seeing young Tom Cruise or the weird shirtless (even if it’s a prosthetic) Tim Curry does not.

80’S POOP

I hate to admit this, but the kid is my son.

The plot of this film sounds atrocious, and you can read it by clicking here.  Or you can just read the summary of Billie Jean’s legend:

…[she’s] a symbol of youth empowerment and the evidence of the injustices adults are capable of…

Boo hoo.

JUST SHITTY

Matt Damon: “Are the cameras still on us?” Will Smith: “What cameras?”

Sorry that you made it on here twice, Will Smith.  Nothing against you, but this golf flick (first mistake!) is not good.  In fact, the only good thing it has going for it is that it probably ushered in the end of the magical negro trope.  Well, maybe this quote by Matt Damon’s character, too:

You see every drink of liquor you take kills a thousand brain cells. Now that doesn’t much matter ‘cos we got billions more. And first the sadness cells die so you smile real big. And then the quiet cells go so you just say everything real loud for no reason at all. That’s ok, that’s ok because the stupid cells go next, so everything you say is real smart. And finally, come the memory cells. These are tough sons of bitches to kill.