Film

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Is Robocop The Right Choice?

Posted on by sgottahurt

This has been pretty much everywhere lately, and I’m fine with it because it’s funny rather than tragic (well, maybe it is tragic).  But as it stands, it looks like Detroit is going to get this:

"The Spirit of OCP"

Here’s the catch, though… Robocop was not filmed in Detroit (there are only aerial shots).  It takes place in a future hell-hole version of this, um, hell-hole. The Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk comes into play because half of the funding for the strange project ($25,000 of the necessary $50,000) came from a donor out of state.  So a movie about Detroit that wasn’t filmed in Detroit is getting a statue in Detroit funded mostly by someone not from Detroit.

To borrow from another 80’s film – if you build it, they will come.  I guess.  But why quit there?

Here are some other cops that should be memorialized in statue form because their movies took place AND were filmed in Detroit (at least more than aerial shots):

  • Nick Tellis (Jason Patric)

The Long Shot

  • Axel Foley (Eddie Murphy)

Could Be Likely

  • Action Jackson (Carl Weathers)

Build This Instead

Happy Find… X-Men: First Class

Posted on by sgottahurt

We are getting a ton of Marvel Comics movies this year (okay, three).  Here’s the preview for the latest:

Could be pretty cool, x-pecially since it’s directed by Kick-Ass’s kick-ass helmer, Matthew Vaughn.  He was supposed to direct X-Men: The Last Stand, but the x-crutiating Brett Ratner took over.

Think of this film as his apology letter…

Awful Battle… Discarded Titles For Justin Bieber Movie

Posted on by sgottahurt

There’s a reason I record everything on my DVR – I can’t stand commercials anymore.  Now in some cases, it leads me to discover the existence of new shows, such as Chris Elliott’s Eagleheart:

But in most cases, it reminds me that “Yes Virginia, crap does exist.”  Behold:

Let this be known – I tried so hard to block this film from my mind, but it’s found me, despite my best defenses… of a quick jump button on my DVR remote.

Ugh… there’s something I need to admit to all of you…

…um, how do I say this…

I entered a contest to name Justin Bieber’s movie.  I didn’t win, and I’m afraid I’m taking it out on the finished product.  Obviously, this won:

Here are my entries:

(I got close on this one.)

Drunken Recollection… Possible Down To Earth Celebs

Posted on by sgottahurt

Everybody imagines at one time or another about how life would be like if they were famous.  Some people fantasize about the money and recognition.  I, on the other hand, wonder which celebrities might be real.  And by real, I mean accessible, or down to Earth.

We were discussing a few names, and these were the guys rated seemingly friendliest:

 

Bill Murray - Jimmy Fallon - Justin Timberlake - George Clooney - David Arquette

 

Other names mentioned: Ashton Kutcher and David Spade.  But would you want to be around them?  David Arquette is barely making the list.  In fact, I’m second-guessing editing him into that picture.

But after all this, you might be wondering:

Why aren’t there any female celebrities?

I guess my answer is… are there any?

Oh, and in closing, the celebrity that seems most down to Earth is this guy:

 

Jesus also associated with women of ill repute.

 

A Handful Of… Trapped People Flicks

Posted on by sgottahurt

Buried - not to be confused with Barried, Barried, or Berried

I pretty much ignored Ryan Reynolds’ Buried when it came out in the theaters, and I pretty much ignored its arrival on DVD.  What I have been unable to ignore is the constant bombardment of James Franco’s 127 Hours, which is now in wide-release courtesy of its Academy Award nominations.

This further reminded me of two things.

  1. How the screenwriter of Buried, Chris Sparling, basically begged to be nominated for an Oscar.
  2. How 127 Hours is basically the same thing, and it is nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay.

But wait… isn’t one about a guy in a coffin and the other one about a guy cutting his arm off?

Yes, but they are both essentially “unfilmable” stories about a man trapped.  And they aren’t the only ones.  Here are A Handful Of Trapped People Flicks.

I can see it now... "Buried 4 127 Hours"

  • Rope (1948) – people trapped in real-time murder plot
  • Die Hard (1988) – man trapped in terrorist-filled building
  • Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990) – man trapped in terrorist-filled airport
  • Under Siege (1992) – man trapped on terrorist-filled battleship
  • Toy Soldiers (1991) – student trapped in terrorist-filled school
  • Passenger 57 (1992) – man trapped on terrorist-filled airplane
  • Speed (1994) – people trapped on speeding bus
  • Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995) – man trapped on speeding terrorist-filled train
  • Executive Decision (1996) – man trapped on terrorist-filled airplane
  • Daylight (1996) – people trapped in underground tunnel
  • Air Force One (1997) – man trapped on president’s terrorist-filled airplane
  • Con Air (1997) – man trapped on criminal-filled airplane
  • Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997) – people trapped on speeding terrorist-filled cruise ship
  • Cast Away (2000) – man trapped on island
  • Phone Booth (2002) – man trapped in phone booth (written by Larry Cohen)
  • Open Water (2004) – people trapped in shark-infested waters
  • Cellular (2004) – man trapped in terrible plot involving keeping a cell phone powered (written by Larry Cohen)
  • Penny Dreadful (2006) – woman trapped in a car
  • Captivity (2007) – woman trapped in underground lair (also written by Larry Cohen)
  • Frozen (2010) – people trapped on a ski lift
  • Buried (2010) – man trapped in coffin
  • 127 Hours (2010) – man trapped underground by a rock
  • Unstoppable (2010) – men trapped on a missile the size of the Chrysler Building

JusWondering… What Would You Put On Your Scale Of Fury?

Posted on by sgottahurt

This has been something I’ve been meaning to transcribe for a while now, and even by doing so, rage has bubbled up from the depths of my… say, what’s it called if you don’t have a soul?

Anyemptyvessel, this is my Scale of Fury.  It’s a series of missteps in pop culture that shake me to my core me, ranked on a scale from 1 to 10.  1 equals “infuriating” and 10 equals “someone must die.”

Let’s begin:

1) Invention of the word Squeakquel

This filmed monstrosity should not have occurred once, let alone twice.  It’s already cloying enough without an unnecessary pun.  Much like my pun above.

2) The Prequels

Not too long ago, and not very far away, I would have ranked Jake, Hayden, Jar Jar, and Ani much higher on my Scale of Fury.  But a few factors have changed that.  One – The Clone Wars cartoon series is really good.  Two – there’s a lot more crap out there that pisses me off more.

3) No guns in E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial

Steven Spielberg needs to make some new friends.  George Lucas no doubt inspired Spielberg to go back and tinker with (and tinkle on) his classic 80’s family film.  Why remove the guns?  That’s how we knew the bad guys were bad guys.  Sure, they were aiming them at little kids, but we knew they weren’t going to use them.  Just like it was with the Russians and their nukes…

4) The Special Editions

Where to begin with these nut shots?  Jabba the Shitty CGI.  Young Anakin’s Jedi Spirit.  The replaced musical numbers.  This:

5) Cancellation of “Arrested Development”

It could be higher up on the list, but it did get three (2.75) full seasons.  Was it Fox’s fault for shitty scheduling?  Or is America primarily full of According to Jim fans?  I think the questions answer each other.

6) Emo Spider-Man

I’m sure I hope Sam Raimi had a better plan for what could have been the best Spider-Man film of them all.  Instead, we got Sandman, a rushed Harry Osborne vengeance/rebirth subplot, a wasted Eddie Brock/Venom, and this:

7) Cancellation of “Firefly”

You can blame this one on me as much as everyone else.  I kept hearing all the rave reviews about this show while it was shortly on the air, and I never watched.  Could just one person have made a difference?  If that one person was me, then yes.

8) The Last Airbender movie

I wanted earth, wind, water, and fire from this remake of the incredible Nickelodeon show, and all I got was fart noises.  Must. Repress. My. Diatribe.  (More on my thoughts on M. Night Shyamalan)

9) Indiana Jones and the Give Me a Fucking Break

Again, the Spielberg with the Lucas.  To distract myself: anyone else ever notice ol’ Steven’s initials are “S.S.“?  Ironic, no?  (More of my thoughts on Kingdom of the Crystal Skull)

10) The “LOST” Finale

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.  Fu. Ck. Th. Is. Sh. Ow.  For years, I defended it, telling people the writers weren’t making it up as they went along.  They were making it up as they went along.  (More of my thoughts on LOST)

Worth 1002 Words… Holy Keanu Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Neo Con

 Some alternates:

  • Wyne Stallyns
  • Pinot Break
  • The Replacement
  • Devil’s Advocate

BONUS PROOF!

So, Duh! Pop Quiz… Celebrity Name Offspring Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is a (small) big clue.

This edition of the So, Duh! Pop Quiz shouldn’t be too difficult if you know people’s names and faces.  If you know just names, or just faces, face it – you won’t guess the names.

How this works is you’ll get a pairing of celebrities (or famous people… I don’t know if there’s a difference).

I won’t disclose either of their full names (if you need a clue, you can move your mouse over their picture).

One the pictured individuals’ two names will be the answer’s first name, and one of the other’s two names will be the answer’s last name.  Get it?  I think you’ll get it.

1)

2)

3)

4)

5) (this one needs a clue)

(Answers after the jump)

Read More

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… The Title, Mr.

Posted on by sgottahurt

The above video might not be the best way to have started this post, or it may be absolutely perfect.  (The band’s name is Mr. President, and their song Coco Jambo has over 38 million hits.  38,000,000!)

Basically, the title Mr. has taken quite the beating in recent years.  I’m not sure if the intent is to distant its association with its origin word, master, or if it’s mainly because we’ve lost all sense of formality.

Now what does this have to do with pop culture?  Everything.

When our fine country was founded, the most dignified and non-alienating title the founding fathers thought to bestow on our nation’s leader was Mr. President.  Nowadays, if you want a sure sign a movie or a TV show will suck, you put Mr. (or Mister) in the title.  It’s not an absolute, but the highs are definitely outnumbered by the lows.  I considered highlighting the highs, but it may be more fun for you to decide.

(SIDENOTE: I’d highly recommend playing Coco Jambo in the background while you read on.)

MOVIES

  • Mr. 3000
  • Mr. Baseball
  • Mr. Nice Guy
  • Mr. Wrong
  • Making Mr. Right
  • Mr. Brooks
  • Mr. Jones
  • Mr. North
  • Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium
  • Mr. Bean’s Holiday
  • Mr. Holland’s Opus
  • Mr. Saturday Night
  • Mr. Mom
  • Mr. Nanny
  • Mr. Destiny
  • Mr. Woodcock
  • The Ghost and Mr. Chicken
  • The Incredible Mr. Limpet
  • Mr. Magoo
  • Mr. Smith Goes To Washington
  • The Talented Mr. Ripley
  • Fantastic Mr. Fox
  • Mr. and Mrs. Smith
  • Mr. and Mrs. Bridge
  • Mr. Deeds
  • Mr. Deeds Goes to Town
  • Mr. Nobody
  • Mr. Jealousy
  • Mr. Lucky
  • Mr. Wonderful
  • Mr. Accident
  • Mr. Murder
  • Mister Frost
  • Mister Lonely
  • Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
  • They Call Me Mister Tibbs!
  • Looking for Mr. Goodbar
  • Goodbye, Mr. Chips

TELEVISION

  • Mr. Ed
  • Mr. Belvedere
  • Mister T
  • Mr. Lucky
  • Mr. Magoo
  • Mr. Bean
  • Mr. & Mrs. Smith
  • Mr. Smith
  • Mr. President
  • Mr. Personality
  • Mr. Show
  • Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper
  • Mr. Sunshine (1986)
  • Mr. Sunshine (2011)

JusWondering… Why Isn’t This A Disney Release?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I barely remember hearing about the upcoming Gnomeo & Juliet, except that it was a retelling of Romeo and Juliet using lawn decorations, and featuring music by Sir Elton John.  Oh.  That’s exactly what it is.

At the start of the preview, when the Touchstone Pictures logo popped up, I thought:

Why isn’t this a Disney release?  (see above header)

Because Touchstone is Disney, you see.  So I started thinking:

Maybe it’s a PG-13 release aimed at an older audience.

After all, that is why Disney created the thunderbolt off-shoot in the first place.  But no.  It’s rated G.  And it’s the first of all Touchstone Pictures to be rated so low.  (It’s only their second animated feature, to boot.  The other is The Nightmare Before Christmas.)

Well, how was I going to get to the bottom of this?  What rhymes with stickymedia?

Initially, the film was going to be produced by Disney Feature Animation, but was shut down by its new chief, John Lasseter, after the Pixar acquisition.  Miramax Films picked up the project and guided its production until the division closed down… The film will now be released under the Touchstone Pictures banner on February 11, 2011… (via Wikipedia)

So much for answers.  My guess is that so much work was put into it prior to merger with Pixar, that it was the traditional cry of:

The show must gnome on!

Sorry for that pun, but I’d venture to guess the actual film won’t be much better… And for sure, it won’t be better than this adaption of the Shakespeare classic: