Film

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Stan “The Man” Lee

Posted on by sgottahurt

The Golden Age, Silver Age, and Old Age of Stan Lee

There are few celebrities I’ve had the chance to interact with (and surprisingly, I’ve not yet done a post on that… hmm), and Stan Lee is one of them.

If you don’t know who Stan Lee is, you’re an idiot I’ll sum it up like this… Wikipedia entry:

He co-created Spider-Man, the Fantastic Four, the X-Men, the Avengers, Iron Man, the Hulk, Thor, Daredevil, Doctor Strange, and many other fictional characters, introducing complex, naturalistic characters and a thoroughly shared universe into superhero comic books.

Not bad, right?

My exchange with him occurred at a book fair at UCLA some many years back.  He was taking questions from the audience, and he pointed sort of toward me, so I stole some other guy’s question.

STAN LEE: Okay, I was pointing at the other guy.  What’s your question?

ME: Many current writers consider you their inspiration.  What writers inspired you?

STAN LEE: Oh, I’d say all the great ones… Shakespeare, Dickens, blah blah blah…

(SIDENOTE: I don’t really remember the extent of his answer, but my question was pretty good, right?)

Anyuatu, as for his more recent endeavors, I don’t think he’s firing on all radioactive spider bites.

Remember Stripperella?

Yup. This happened.

Remember Mosaic and The Condor?

Mosaic's a chameleon, but not in this scene. I couldn't find any chameleon scenes.

The Condor's a super skateboarder. Voiced by Fez from That 70's Show.

And now there’s going to be The Governator?

"Cal-e-forn-e-uh!"

That’s not Just Shitty, that’s Super Shitty.

Drunken Recollection… Different Types Of Hot

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is an old battle I’ve been meaning to revisit for quite some time.  It’s a war of semantics and the preferred way of getting my hands dirty.

The alcoholic argument I’ve had with cohorts goes like so:

In any given situation, with any given group of girls, one girl is always the hottest…

Sometimes the bar has been set so low that the hottest girl might not be as hot in other situations…

Thus she is __________ hot.

This is the point of contention.  What word best describes the type of hot:

CLASSROOM vs. WORKPLACE

To illustrate my point, let’s use Blake Lively and Eliza Dushku as objects subjects:

Here they are in basic bathing suits.

Both look stunning in their conservative attire, and are definitely above par for the course of this discussion.  Nonetheless, let’s imagine two rooms full of regular women, with one of them in each room.

For Blake Lively, she would be designated hot of course.  But would you say she’s CLASSROOM hot?  Meaning that in any given classroom situation, she’d be the hottest girl?

For Eliza Dushku, would you prefer the term WORKPLACE hot?  Meaning that any workplace, she’d be the hottest girl?

Classroom vs. Workplace

Okay.  I’m probably not making myself clear here.  I’m getting distracted by the pretty ladies.

Which term is the better classifier?  I argue CLASSROOM because you’re a part of a smaller group within the larger machine – SCHOOL.

Some friends argue that it seems creepy, and that WORKPLACE works as a better classifier.  I would retaliate with the fact that we’re discussing classifications, but I did use the word work… so I’ll say that if they said BOARDROOM hot, they’d be on the same page.

But maybe we’re all wrong, and there is only one clear way to explain this idea of the regular girl rising to the top of regular girls to become hottest – and no, it’s not the HIGHLANDER way of “There can be only one!”  But it is just as nerdy:

COMIC CON HOT

For your consideration..

The proof in the figgy pudding, Jessica Nigri (also known as The Comic Con Girl or The Pikachu Girl):

Shirt open, case closed.

So, Duh! Pop Quiz… The Baxter Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Nice guys finish the second banana last.

There’s a little known movie by Michael Showalter (of The State and various other failed endeavors) called The Baxter, and according to the main character in the film, a Baxter is:

The nice, dull guy in a romantic comedy who is dumped at the end of the story for the protagonist.

This So, Duh! Pop Quiz is all about the Benjamins Baxters.  I’ll name several movies in which the Actors! were the dumpees, and you name the Actors! (HINT: One is an Actress!)

1)  Sommersby – Sleepless in Seattle – Malice – Lost Highway (kinda)

2) Hot Shots! – Bram Stoker’s Dracula – Liar Liar

3) The Notebook – Superman Returns – Enchanted – X-Men series (kinda)

4) The English Patient – Shakespeare in Love – Then She Found Me – The Accidental Husband – Mamma Mia!

5) In Love and War (kinda) – Forces of Nature – Premonition (kinda) – All About Steve

See all the dumpees after the jump. Read More

Musical Musings… It’s All Open To Interpretation

Posted on by sgottahurt

I always like to imagine how different directors would make well-known movies different.

For example, imagine if Steven Spielberg directed Martin Scorcese’s Taxi Driver.

Or if Quentin Tarantino directed Michael Bay’s Transformers.

Or if Tim Burton directed Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins… wait, never mind.

Here’s comedian Matt Mulholland’s very sorta serious take on Rebecca Black’s Friday:

What a difference tonal, um, differences make…

There’s more Matt Mulholland after the jump. Read More

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Celebrity Drinking Game Show

Posted on by sgottahurt

Sorta like this, but drunkier...

I’m really getting tired of dreaming up great ideas and having no creative power.  At least I have this blog.  Yup.

This dream surrounds a simple but possibly controversial concept:

Celebrities of varying degrees would be gathered to play drinking games like Presidents and Assholes, Beer Pong, and Quarters.  There will be winners; there will be losers.  Just like at regular award shows.  And they’ll get druuuunk.  Just like at regular award shows.

The Celebrity Drinking Game Show could be hosted by Charlie Sheen, since he’s an expert at partying and Winning! But since he’s been focused on staying “sober,” then maybe we could get this guy:

He's always looking for more celebs to rehab...

JusWondering… What Films Will Inevitably Be Remade?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Your time will come...


Hollywood loves remakes.  It also loves sequels and reboots, but it really loves remakes.  And it’s not just horror films anymore.  Footloose and Red Dawn are on the horizon.  There’s talk of remaking Dune (needs it), Short Circuit (ready for a CG robot, anyone?), and Judge Dredd (more Rob Schneider please).

What else might be coming up?

(SIDENOTE: Did this trend begin when the TV shows-turned-into-movies trend ended?)

At lunch, we discussed the inevitability of a Ferris Bueller’s Day Off remake.  Who would play Ferris?  Shia LeBeouf?  Zac Efron?  Zack or Cody?

To me, if they remake such a seminal 80’s film as Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, then the 90’s flick Reality Bites wouldn’t be far off.  And that leaves me tons of more questions:

  • Who would be cast in that film?
  • Would it keep the same name?  (Reality Sucks Balls anyone?)
  • Would it be about vampires?
  • Why is Janeane Garafalo so gross now?

Musical Musings… Red Hot Chilly Michigan

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m ashamed to admit that I have a copy of Red Hot Chili Pepper’s Stadium Arcadium and… I’ve never listened to it.  So imagine my surprise when I discovered that they had a song called Especially in Michigan:

Apparently, lead singer Anthony Kiedis is from Grand Rapids, hence the tune’s existence.  Albeit the ditty could have existed without him coming from here.  (Filmmaker Paul Schrader is also from Grand Rapids, and he set half of Hardcore there.  But that’s neither here nor there.  Well, I guess it is here… moving on…)

What I’m equally surprised by is that nothing locally ever uses it for promotion.  I suppose it doesn’t contain the most uplifting lyrics in the world, with gems like this:

Lions and Tigers come running just to steal your luck…

I guess the moral of the story is I’d rather listen to anything other than more Rebecca Black…

Awful Battle… Bad Puppet Double Whammy!

Posted on by sgottahurt

I love having Netflix.  You set into place a stream of consciousness, and you await your next surprise.  Sometimes the arrivals are pleasant; sometimes they’re downright awful.  Hence today’s Awful Battle.

If I didn’t (or at least attempt to) watch these back-to-back, I wouldn’t have let you know that I had Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend in my queue.  Here’s the breakdown of the plot (via Netflix):

While on a safari in Africa, a zoologist and her husband (Sean Young and William Katt) stumble on a family of dinosaurs. They want to share their remarkable discovery with the world but their attempt to bring back evidence is thwarted by a rival scientist (Patrick McGoohan). Danger and adventure await the couple, who only want to help these long-lost animals survive even longer and prevent their exploitation.

It’s a kid-movie I saw once as a kid and now as an adult.  Here’s a taste:

Again, I wouldn’t have much to say if I didn’t try to watch Exterminator City after it.  Here’s Netflix’s breakdown:

A robot detective tracks an inhuman killing machine in this action-packed story set in the near future. It’s the year 2027, and Astro City is being terrorized by a robot pest-controller moonlighting as a serial killer. With the list of victims growing longer each day, a steely robot homicide detective and an evil robot psychiatrist track the heartless killer on a path that leads them into a sinister world of technological horrors.

Sounds like it could be good-bad, right?  I initially entered it into my queue after seeing this video a long ways back:

Looks like it could be good-bad, right?

Wrong.  Exterminator City is quite possibly the most unwatchable thing I’ve ever – EVER! (the caps mean I’m serious, not yelling) – witnessed.

It’s essentially a booby flick.  Not a soft-core sci-fi film, mind you.  A booby flick.  All I saw as I fast-forwarded through was topless woman after topless woman, with robot shit like the above sword fight in between, and squished bugs.  I didn’t even make it to that sword fight, fast-forward or otherwise.  The DVD stayed in my player 15 minutes, tops.

But after witnessing that horror, it made me take note of three similarities between Baby and Exterminator City.

  1. The puppets look horrible. I do lament the days before CGI, but the T-rex and raptors in Jurassic Park were animatronics most times, and they looked great… only 8 years after Baby.
  2. The plots are nonsense.  Exterminator City doesn’t even stand a chance here.  But in Baby, as the married heroes are trying to keep their hatchling safe, what do they do?  Basically, they fuck in the middle of the jungle and lose track of Baby!  This is what gives the movie its “story”!  A kid’s movie!
  3. There are naked boobies and a murder in the first five minutes.  Again, no-brainer for one.  Very strange for a kid’s film!  (The boobies belong to African dancers, but still…)

In My Brain While Sleeping… CGI Oprah In “Oprah: The Life Of Oprah”

Posted on by sgottahurt

Motion capture is one of the laziest inventions in cinema ever.  It’s advanced rotoscoping for all intents and purposes.  (You can click on the links if you don’t know what any of that means.)

AnyCGI, I had a weird dream that Steven Spielberg was working with Oprah Winfrey to make a film version of her life story.  The catch?  She’d play herself throughout using motion capture.  This is my (Not So) Artistic Representation of how she would look as a child:

She appears more alien than child. Whoops. Which should work for Spielberg...

(Original image after the jump) Read More

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Charlie Sheen’s Shared Histories Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Let’s get right into business, since this is overdone overdue.

  • Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer’s Shared History

Two and a Half Men wasn’t Sheen and Cryer’s first shindig together.  That would have been 1991’s Hot Shots!

Everyone's thinking - "You were in that movie?"

  • Charlie Sheen and Angus T. Jones’ Shared History

Sheen and young co-star Jones each appeared in two different movies with the same title.  Can you guess?  No peeking below–too late.

The answer is... "The Rookie"

  • Charlie Sheen and Michael J. Fox’s Shared History

Everybody already knows that Sheen replaced Fox on ABC’s Spin City.  But did you know that Fox had it in his contract that should he leave the show, he’d still get paid?  And did you know that Sheen had this same “Michael J. Fox Clause” in his own contract?  You did?  Okay.  Then did you realize that Sheen’s character in the Wall Street films was named Bud Fox?  Is that enough of a Coinkydink or Coinkydonk for ya?

He should have said he has "fox blood" instead...