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JusWondering… Does This Revenge Flick Take Place In Ohio?

Posted on August 16, 2011 by sgottahurt

Tough and beautiful (always lead with tough) Zoe Saldana has a new movie coming out, in which she will neither be a blue cat person, nor Ashton Kutcher’s love interest, of which I see no difference.

It’s called:

They forgot to say "Vengeance is Tough." Always lead with "tough."

From the previews, it appears to be a high-octane, face-busting, car-blowing-up, Zoe-in-underwear-at-one-point good time. And I think it takes place in Ohio.

Columbiana, Ohio, as a matter of fact. Here’s their website. Here’s their Twitter account.

Here’s their antique store:

Come see new old things!

Here’s their movie theater:

Come here to see the movie if we get it!

Here’s (one of) their church(es):

Come and pray this film will play at our theater!

It seems like a nice quaint place… that looks nothing at all like it does on film:

But then again, George Clooney’s movie looked nothing like Rhode Island:

Syriana's in Rhode Island, right?

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Two Films, Too Similar?

Posted on August 15, 2011 by sgottahurt

I was about to get all serious on you guys, and talk about how similar (although the writers “claim” they barely remember the true incident) 30 Minutes or Less is to the Brian Douglas Wells case. Both involve a pizza driver getting a bomb strapped to them, and there’s a plot of collecting an inheritance, yada yada… I’ll let you look into the horrible story. (Oh, and don’t bother with the movie either… it’s as pointless as Oreo Cakesters.)

The only thing worse I could write about would be how Up Close & Personal was originally based on the sad life of reporter Jessica Savitch, but then it suddenly wasn’t. (Yes, I’m bringing up the crappy Michelle Pfeiffer/Robert Redford vehicle as an example.)

So instead I will do this:

It’s weird that the last two movies I saw (30 Minutes or Less and Rise of the Planet of the Apes) had unexpected things in common…

1) Apes (played by people) in the poster.

That's a whole lotta frightening there.

2) Apes (played by people) attacking people.

Apes love raising their fist, apparently...

3) Our hero is probably a pothead in real life.

They have to be, right?

4) Our probable real life pothead hero has a hot Indian girlfriend.

Dilshad Vadasria and Freida Pinto, just so you can Google more pics of them...

Musical Musings… I Might Have Isolated The Source

Posted on August 14, 2011 by sgottahurt

Let me begin by saying:

Me thinks me loves me the 2012 Ford Focus.*

It’s a nice ride and the technology inside is pretty cool. That having been said, courtesy of the new technology, I’ve been able to jump around on my iPod a helluva lot easier. This lead me to a discovery I wasn’t ready for.

Ever since John Cusack highlighted my lovelorn condition in High Fidelity, I’ve wondered what the alpha song was that triggered it. There had to be a source, and I believed I may have found it.

For those unfamiliar with the quote, here it is (don’t say I never do anything nice):

What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?

Drum roll please. The answer should have been obvious all along. Maybe it’s the desert heat I’m currently in, or the new car smell of the rental…

Introducing the potential birth of the bane of my pitiful existence…

Doing It All For My Baby by Huey Lewis and The News:

*Notice I couldn’t say “I love” even in regard to an inanimate object… Wait, is a car really an inanimate object?

In Defense Of… Heather Graham

Posted on August 13, 2011 by sgottahurt

She gets a lot of flack, so I just wanted Heather Graham to know I got her back.

As well as other parts...

I have a disclaimer to make… I’ve had a long-standing crush on Ms. Graham, ever since her early appearances in License to Drive and Diggstown (I knew both of those without looking her up on IMDb or Wikipedia, so there). Group those roles together with her (very vital) character in Swingers, I should declare case closed. But it’s not that simple.

DISCLAIMER #2 – I’m a sucker for big… eyes. See: Katy Perry, Amanda Seyfried.

Anyhootersasinowlspeepers, another easy argument is she’s had a long career in distinguished comedies – Arrested Development, Scrubs (Dr. Molly Clock appeared in nine episodes), the aforementioned Swingers, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, Steve Martin’s Bowfinger and The Hangover.

And yes, she’s done her share of… more questionable… appearances, but one was in a highly celebrated film (Boogie Nights, which is not to be confused with another of her films that won’t win any arguments called Boogie Woogie). She was in the widely-respected TV show (and movie) Twin Peaks, plus, she has starred beside Will Smith (Six Degrees of Separation), Robert Downey, Jr. (Two Girls and a Guy ~~and a Pizza Place~~), William Hurt (Lost in Space), and Johnny Depp (From Hell).

Most recently, she was in a family film playing an aunt. Roller Girl. As an aunt.

This is not the image you hoped I would use.

Mira Sorvino didn’t have this career. Marissa Tomei has an Academy Award, and she seems to have been scraping by ever since (she was Heather’s costar in The Guru).

(SIDENOTE: I don’t know why I isolated and picked on those two Actors!, but I know why I picked my closer.)

If anyone wants to knock Heather Graham’s talents, just remember… she could have turned out like Tara Reid:

This is a "before" picture... you don't want to see any "afters."

(More Than) A Handful Of… The Last Creative Aliens Of The Silver Screen

Posted on August 11, 2011 by sgottahurt

Has Cowboys & Aliens let you down?
Did Battle: Los Angeles and Skyline give you déjà who cares?
Still feeling blue after Green Lantern?
In Thor, the Norse gods are aliens, right?
Did you find Super 8 not so super great?
Did Transformers transform your apathy into a car?
What about Paul? Did anyone see Paul?

So why am I asking about these films, you may be, um, asking? They are the latest science fiction fare that brought aliens to the big screen. And all of them suck.

Did the original Star Wars trilogy, Alien, and E.T. use up all the imagination when it comes to inventing extra extraterrestrials? We’re talking not since 1983 here, folks! Well, 1983 brought us Ewoks. Some people don’t like Ewoks.

Here is (More Than) A Handful Of The Last Creative Aliens Of The Silver Screen (perhaps I’ll do a TV and video game one later)… and I’m not talkin’ ’bout ones that take human form, like Olivia Wilde in Cowboys & Aliens (oops – SPOILER!):

1986 – Audrey II (Little Shop of Horrors)

Okay, it’s a plant. And it’s based on a musical based on a film from 1960. But don’t try to convince me that watermelon-with-lipstick’s deep voice was expected.

1987 – The Fix-Its (*batteries not included)

This one’s not too long after the rush of 80’s dreaminess. But then again, they are basically small flying saucers. Still, no one tried it before or since (until the inevitable CGI remake).

1987 – Predators (Predator)

It took the concept of “all-things-penis” from H.R. Giger’s Alien designs, and ran with “all-things-vagina… and dreadlocks.”

1988 – Killer Klowns (Killer Klowns from Outer Space)

Once again, not too far out there thinking on the surface, but in the end, still brilliant. Shoot their noses!

1992 – Lub-Lubs (Mom and Dad Save the World)

Now we’re getting somewhere – mushroom aliens. These creatures are memorable because of their surprise. At first they look cute, but when you get closer, they get all see above picture.

1995 – Sil (Species)

Ladies and gents – our first set of alien nipples captured on celluloid!

1996 – Martians (Mars Attacks!)

I shouldn’t have included them because they originated as characters on trading cards in 1962, and because they’re CGI, but I couldn’t include Kang and Kodos since they weren’t in The Simpsons Movie, so here’s my entry for aliens whose heads are in glass helmets.

1996 – Borg Queen (Star Trek: First Contact)

Another one you could argue that I shouldn’t include, but she was new for the movie, whereas the Borg (which are awesome), were not. And that’s why the Queen gets a shout out.

1999 – Sebulba (Star Wars Episode I – The Phantom Menace)

Definitely the best alien of the new bunch from a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. He’s one of the few that benefited from being CGI. Plus, he was a part of one the best sequences in the prequel trilogy (IMHO). Was he only cool because he walked on his hands, and used his feet to do everything? Shut up.

2002 – Stitch (Lilo & Stitch)

I couldn’t have ended on a better alien. Probably my favorite alien since E.T. Or at least since the one with the nipples.

Awesome Battle… M.C. Esher And Zach Braff Vs. Dream House!

Posted on August 8, 2011 by sgottahurt

Being a man of few words (especially when I’m behind on posts), I’m going to let these two posters go toe-to-toe with the works they were ~~liberally borrowed from~~ inspired by.

Dream House

Analysis: cool perspective illusion, not your typical "floating head" poster

M.C. Esher

Analysis: cool perspective illusion, not your typical "stairs that go to nowhere" drawing

Dream House

Analysis: strange, unsettling effect, terrible dresses & wallpaper

Zach Braff

Analysis: strange, unsettling effect, terrible wallpaper... nice shirt

Drunken Recollection… To Fight A Zombie

Posted on August 5, 2011 by sgottahurt

The infamous they say there’s more than one way to skin a cat. Which is gross. The infamous they should really say:

There’s more than one way to fight a zombie.

While drinking, many options were discussed. It was basically like that scene in Pulp Fiction when Bruce Willis decides what tool of destruction to unleash on Zed. From bat to chainsaw to sword to Stay-Puft Marshmellow Man, we ran the gamut.

But then I realized I would want to use the same devices on zombies that I would on idiots in this country:

A lightsaber and a jetpack

Also, it should be mentioned that this same night, I met a “local ballerina” that looked just like this:

"Would you like a dance? Or a hand up your ---?"

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… Aliens Separated At Birth

Posted on August 4, 2011 by sgottahurt

This post would have taken place back in 1985… if I had a computer… or access to the TripleDoubleU…

When I was a little kid, back in 1983, there was a movie that meant a lot to me. It was called Return of the Jedi, and it completed the Star Wars trilogy about Luke Skywalker. The whole series was about him figuring out who his family was and who his friends were. This guy was not one of his friends:

Nikto

While that was in theaters, a new TV show started about aliens coming to Earth called V. This lady was one of the visitors:

Diana

Last year, The Last Starfighter came out (which was incredible), and that film introduced us to this guy:

Grig

Doesn’t he look like he could be Nikto and Diana’s kid?

(SIDENOTE: The spaceships in The Last Starfighter were animated with computers, just like the vehicles in Tron. I don’t think it will catch on, though. The ships in Star Wars are waaaay better.)

Well, Grig might have another brother in this winter’s Enemy Mine:

Jeriba "Jerry" Shigan

All we need to do is find out Nikto or Diana’s last name… or Grig even. Why don’t more aliens have last names?

"Gorn is my last name. My first name is Leslie."

JusWondering… What’s Jason Bateman Thinking?

Posted on August 2, 2011 by sgottahurt

Jason Bateman has had an interesting career if you really think about it. As a young actor, he was stuck in Michael J. Fox’s long (but short) shadow, even to the point he had to follow him up by playing a Teen Wolf Too.

But lately, his movie choices have been very hit-or-(mostly)-miss. It’s even more telling if you string the titles together.

Currently, he’s in: