Awful/Awesome Battle | monkeyBLOG monkeyDO

Awesome Battle… TV Shows That Tried To Find New Life In Film

Posted on January 24, 2012 by sgottahurt

I could have started this post about the new Tim and Eric movie, but…

...nobody knows anything about this except for five people I know.

So instead, I’ll focus on other TV shows that made the leap to the big screen with the original cast (or at least most of it) in tact. This is not about the remakes. Here are some TV Shows That Tried To Find New Life In Film. Some did; some didn’t. Awesome Battle, begin!

WE’RE GONNA STICK WITH THIS MOVIE THING FOR AWHILE

These were the TV shows that had either finished their run (Star Trek: The Original Series), were about to finish their run (The Muppets Show, Star Trek: The Next Generation), or barely had a run at all (the short-lived Naked Gun), but went on to produce more motion pictures than thought possible. These are the successes. These are the ones that the cinema kept alive… even up to now.

The Muppet Show - Star Trek: TOS & TNG - Naked Gun

WE’RE GONNA GO BACK TO TV A LITTLE WHILE LONGER

It’s weird that this group mostly consists of cartoons. These are the TV shows that decided to release a movie to capitalize on the boob tube success, and in many ways, they did.

Transformers: The Movie was released in 1986 to reboot the toy line and cartoon series, and how did it do that? It killed most of the original cast. It’s officially time to throw out Optimus Prime to buy Rodimus Prime.
Beavis and Butt-Head Do America extended the show one more season, but it must have also entered it into the nostalgia lexicon. It returned to MTV with a new season late last year.
South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut came out somewhere around season 3 or 4. The show just finished its fifteenth season. Oh, my god! They didn’t kill this show!
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters should have killed ATHF, but it didn’t. I saw this at the show. It was horrible! This happened in 2007. The show is still on the air.
The X-Files: Fight the Future got me to watch the season before the film was to be released. I wasn’t a fan of the show prior to that, but I knew a fair amount of its mythology. (I’d only watch it here and there for the random, spooky episodes.) The show went on for four more years. Somehow. The revelations in the movie were boring. And I think they changed all the mysteries anyway. Long story short, I stopped watching the show; others didn’t.

Transformers - Beavis and Butt-Head - South Park - The X-Files - Aqua Teen Hunger Force

WE’RE JUST LUCKY TO HAVE ONE MOVIE

These shows probably shouldn’t have had movies, but because of the fans, they did.

Kids in the Hall begat Brain Candy; Twin Peaks begat Fire Walk With Me; Firefly begat Serenity; Strangers with Candy begat Strangers with Candy; and for some reason… when no one was asking, The X-Files begat I Want to Believe. They were trying to pull an ol’ Star Trek: TOS on us. You’ll have to do better than pedo-priest and severed heads, Chris Carter. Mulder needs his Khan.

Kids in the Hall - Twin Peaks - Firefly - Strangers with Candy - The X-Files

WE’RE NOT GOING TO COUNT THESE

Any film based on Saturday Night Live skits is not up for discussion at this time.

And I didn’t include Monty Python because they’re British.

Now, I know that Kids in the Hall are Canadian, and I added them up above. And they, too, were produced by SNL’s Lorne Michaels. But they’re already in the Photoshopped image, so nyah.

Awful Battle… First Comes Stupid, Then Comes Marriage

Posted on January 7, 2012 by sgottahurt

There’s dumb, and then there’s getting married.

I could ramble on and on (and on and on) about my feelings on marriage, but I already feel like I’ve shared enough.

So to further illustrate how fruitless of a venture getting married is I present

SUBJECT 1 – THIS MIGHT HAVE SEEMED CLEVER IN THE PLANNING STAGES, BUT IN REALITY…

SUBJECT 2 – THIS ALSO MIGHT HAVE SEEMED CLEVER IN THE PLANNING STAGES, BUT IN REALITY…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

See what marriage does to our brains? The only thing worse than either of these was the wedding where people danced down the aisle to Chris Brown beat-up music. It has over 71,000,000 views. Fuck them, seriously.

Awesome (Almost) Battle… Those Are Some Nice Dangerous Animals

Posted on December 19, 2011 by sgottahurt

This one you’ve probably seen everywhere, and it’s not that big of a deal. I’ll explain why in a second.

These are bears in game reserve started by Walt Disney forever ago (of course). And it’s not that rare (although it’s still nice of them to wave).

(SIDENOTE: My guess why the first one has 5,000,000 hits is because it’s only 7 seconds long.)

But this… this just doesn’t happen everyday, even in Uganda. Skip ahead to the 2:50 mark (sorry it’s not 7 seconds long):

Awful/Awesome Battle… The Many Faces (Or At Least Two) Of Fear

Posted on December 4, 2011 by sgottahurt

It’s been long enough since I’ve seen this video about recent UFO sightings across the world that I can finally post it here. Have I mentioned how I feel about aliens before? Here’s a tip on how to get through it – focus on the misspellings (why do videos like this always have misspellings?)…

AWFUL

This next one is creepy, but in a fun way, which seems weird to say based on what it’s, um, based on, but it’s true. Honestly, it’s one of the funniest videos I’ve seen in a long time.

AWESOME

(original video here)

Awesome Battle… Nathan Fillion Vs. Brendan Fraser

Posted on October 20, 2011 by sgottahurt

Wanna bet Brendan Fraser is jealous of Nathan Fillion because he’s what Fraser always wanted to be? Let’s check out the comparisons…

Fraser: "Bring it!" Fillion: "It's brung..."

NATIONALITY

Fillion was born in Edmonton and remains Canadian; Fraser was born in Indianapolis and later would move to Ottawa and Toronto.

POINT: Fillion, for sticking to his maple leaf logo guns.

BREAKING INTO HOLLYWOOD

Fraser’s first major role was as an unfrozen caveman in Encino Man; Fillion starred as a cast regular on the ABC soap opera One Life to Live. (He should have been on this list.)

POINT: It’s a wash.

CAREER HIGHS

Fraser was in the critically acclaimed Gods and Monsters, the Academy Award-winning(ly bad) Crash, and the monetarily successful Mummy trilogy; Fillion was in Steven Spielberg’s Saving Private Ryan (as the wrong Private Ryan) and Firefly/Serenity.

POINT: Fillion.

CAREER LOWS

Let’s see… for Fraser, where do you begin: Airheads, George of the Jungle, Blast from the Past, Dudley Do-Right, Monkeybone, Journey to the Center of the Earth, and Furry Vengeance; for Fillion, you have just Blast from the Past?

POINT: Fillion.

CURRENT PROJECTS

Fillion is already into season four of the hit (?) ABC show Castle; Fraser is set to appear as Vanessa Hudgens’ absentee father in a flick named after a Rolling Stones song.

POINT: Another wash, as I don’t watch either.

But my POINT is this:

Although Brendan Fraser has appeared in way more movies, a fair amount of which were even successful, and Nathan Fillion has had to muddle his way through plenty of failed TV shows to get to this one… Fraser would fetch Fillion’s fervent fan base in freaking flash! Alliteration!

Awesome Battle… Good Will Hunting Vs. Swinging Mike Peters

Posted on October 5, 2011 by sgottahurt

It's like Matt and Ben are the hood of the car.

Swingers and Good Will Hunting hold a sort of distinction in film history as being the “ones that dun it“… meaning, despite their best previous efforts, until the comedy and drama became success stories, nobody knew:

Jon Favreau
Vince Vaughn
Matt Damon
Ben Affleck

But which film is the better ~~Bar Mitzvah~~ ~~Quinceañera~~ ~~Sweet Sixteen~~ coming out party? Let’s wage an Awesome Battle!

BOX OFFICE

Swingers was put together for $200,000, and it went on to make $4.5 million. Good Will Hunting was produced for $10 million and it netted almost $226 million. That’s pretty close ratios, so let’s get specific:

$4,555,020 gross / $200,000 investment = 22.7751 (Swingers)

$225,933,435 gross / $10,000,000 investment = 22.5933435 (Good Will Hunting)

So Swingers earned just over 2277% of its budget, whereas Good Will Hunting earned just over 2259% of its budget.

WINNER: Swingers
APPROPRIATE QUOTE: “You’re so money and you don’t even know it!”

CRITICAL ACCLAIM

We can take two aspects into consideration here: reviews and awards.

Swingers received 87% Fresh from critics (45 positive reviews and 7 negative)

Good Will Hunting received 97% Fresh from critics (68 positive reviews and 2 negative)

89% of the audience liked Swingers; 92% liked Good Will Hunting.

As for awards, Good Will Hunting won Best Supporting Actor for Robin Williams and Oscars for Best Original Screenplay went to Damon and Affleck. So that’s three for the drama; zero for the comedy.

WINNER: Good Will Hunting
APPROPRIATE QUOTE: “How do ya like them ~~tomatoes~~ apples?”

INCREASE IN STAR POWER

So let’s take a quick rundown of everyone’s successes following these films?

Jon Favreau has directed these films which together grossed about $1.6 billion:

Elf
Iron Man
Iron Man 2
Cowboys & Aliens

Vince Vaughn has starred in these films which together grossed about $744 million:

Old School
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
Wedding Crashers
The Break-Up

Matt Damon has starred in these two trilogies which together grossed about $2.1 billion:

Ocean’s Eleven, Ocean’s Twelve, Ocean’s Thirteen
The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremacy, The Bourne Ultimatum

Ben Affleck has starred in and/or written/directed these critically acclaimed films which together grossed about $477 million + Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor which made another $449 million:

Shakespeare in Love
Gone Baby Gone
The Town

(Plus Ben Affleck was getting plenty of J. Lo when the getting was good.)

WINNER: Their agents
APPROPRIATE QUOTE: “You move, you die.” – Jason Bourne, in The Bourne Identity, which was directed by Swingers’ director, Doug Liman (full circle)

SO THE OVERALL WINNER IS…

Us… I guess? Nope, nope. It’s their agents.

Awful Battle… The One In The V-Neck Shirt Vs. The One With Feathers In His Hair

Posted on September 20, 2011 by sgottahurt

Schadenfreude’s a bitch.

Sometimes finger earplugs just aren't enough.

Simon Cowell’s American Idol X-it strategy, The X Factor, feels more like America’s Got Talent mixed with The Voice than the ratings juggernaut, and the ratings are proof.

The tenth season of American Idol debuted with 26 million viewers, minus Cowell, whereas The X Factor debuted with only 12 million, with Cowell.

Has he gotten too big for his britches? Or are people burnt out on singing competitions at this time of the year, having just finished with the two mentioned above?

Perhaps timing has everything to do with American Idols success.

Or maybe, it’s the people.

Icon vs. Icon

With Simon Cowell, you get no bullshit, and that’s a bonus. But he thinks no ~~bull~~shit don’t stink, so that cancels out his assets. With Steven Tyler, you (seemingly) had quite a genuine and caring individual that contrasted everything Cowell represented, and there was no looking back. It probably has something to do with the amount of tail each has had, and the way it was had.

Tyler + groupies (+ drugs?) = Crazy, Amazin’, Love in an Elevator
Cowell + some woman who passed or accepted all his criticism and cynicism = dollar-sign-eyes sex

WINNER: Steven Tyler

Former Diva vs Former Diva

We already had enough of Paula Abdul before she left Idol, but Jennifer Lopez sounded like a self-entitled nightmare. Turned out J. Lo was about as nice and pleasant as could seem (she’s not that great of an Actor!), and a hell of a lot more intelligible in her insights.

WINNER: Jennifer Lopez

Insider vs Insider

Randy Jackson seems like the cool, approachable guy in the band, and he probably was when he was in Journey. L.A. Reid, on the other hand, comes across as a corporate incubus, seeking out the next talent whose life-force he could siphon. Or a RuPaul impersonator. Mostly, I judge the new judge based upon the immortal lyrics of P!nk:

LA [Reid] told me, “You’ll be a pop star,
All you have to change is everything you are.”

She’s done a hell of a lot better since being herself, so…

WINNER: Randy Jackson

Tits vs Twit

Okay, this isn’t the proper match up, but who is that British guy taking Ryan Seacrest’s role as announcer or interviewer or host or whatever his role is called? And Idol wisely gave up the notion of a fourth spot, so why did The X-Factor go with Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger?

WINNER: Nicole Scherzinger… tits always win.

Awful Battle… Creepy Celebs Sharing Their Love

Posted on August 22, 2011 by sgottahurt

Some would argue that celebrities are people. I say, if corporations can be people, why not the Hollywood elite.

It’s just that sometimes, when they are themselves, their real selves aren’t all that alluring…

Sometimes, their down right creepy. Take a gander and tell me what you think?

Awesome Battle… M.C. Esher And Zach Braff Vs. Dream House!

Posted on August 8, 2011 by sgottahurt

Being a man of few words (especially when I’m behind on posts), I’m going to let these two posters go toe-to-toe with the works they were ~~liberally borrowed from~~ inspired by.