A Handful Of… Acceptable Songs About God

I used to be a fairly religious person, but I’ve grown up.  I could get into arguments over the matter, but this post was enough arguing for me.  Do your thang and I’ll do mine.  That being said, I still can enjoy a clever song about the man/woman/matrix upstairs, and here’s A Handful Of Acceptable Songs About God:

  • Dishwalla’s Counting Blue Cars

It’s a playful tune about looking at the world through the lens of youth.  It also makes God a woman three years before Kevin Smith did.

  • The Caulfields’ Devil’s Diary

The Devil’s just looking for some wholesome lovin’.  And you can’t have God without the Devil.

  • The Fray’s You Found Me

God as a cigarette-smoking bum?  Much better than Joan Osborne’s bus rider

  • XTC’s Dear God

I had a coworker way back in the day that got really mad about this song (or rather, that Sarah McLachlan covered it).  My response?  “You don’t see anybody writing letters to Santa saying he doesn’t exist.”  My coworker didn’t get it.

  • Usher’s OMG

Punchline!

(SIDENOTE: Did you know he says “Oh” seventeen times in a row?!)

A Handful Of… Things I Want For Christmas

Just in time for Christmas Eve, I’ve assembled a list of containing A Handful Of items I may actually want, even though I told all my loved ones not to buy me anything because I didn’t buy them anything.  Will they listen this year?  Hopefully.  But they haven’t yet, and I feel like a real dick when they do.  Unless that’s what they wanted.  Then they did get a gift from me after all!

So you can keep warm while looking cool.

So you can keep warm while looking cool.

I missed it when this Marc Ecko product had its original run, but aren’t we living in the age of the TripleDoubleU?!  Anything’s possible!  But probably not buy by tomorrow…

This game looks just like you’re playing the TV show.  Do you know how many times I’ve wished Friends would have done that?  Oh, and I should mention this – I would like the 360 pre-order version so I can get Mysterion.  So what if this doesn’t come out until next year.  I can wait.

I will not name him Tony.

I will not name him Tony.

I was just telling my brother the other day that I have three loves in this world:

  1. Robots
  2. Taco Bell
  3. Duets

The other two are kind of off-point, but this little robot would be a nice beginning for my impending robot-infested dominion.

Final words before my inevitable incarceration: "See you all later... you know, because I was secretly video taping you."

Final words before my inevitable incarceration: “See you all later… you know, because I was secretly video taping you.”

My sister actually brought these to my attention, and they haven’t left my consciousness since.  I brought up the possibility of getting these to a few friends, and one deftly responded: “Creepersville.”  My initial interest was genuine – wear this to bars to capture conversation flows or to a soccer game to get a first-person perspective of my awfulness.  But it’s there – right on the fringe of Creepersville no matter my intent.  The only other inevitable problem is that I have enough difficulty living in the moment as it is.  With these, I’ll be living in perpetual time-delay.

A Handful Of… 90’s Rocker Chicks I’ve Never Seen

If you can imagine, there was a time before the TripleDoubleU and YouTube, when I didn’t have… wait for it… cable television.

In this time frame, there were a slew of lady rockers across the airwaves, the likes of Courtney Love and Alanis Morissette.  Those ladies I knew via my subscription to Entertainment Weekly.  But some other ladies – I had no idea what they looked like… UNTIL NOW.

A Tale of Two Marketing Campaigns

This song hit the stations the year the music industry changed.  Whitney Houston had the number one song of the year with I Will Always Love You; number two was Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit.  Hence you get two approaches to selling Sophie B. Hawkins – the Rancid crowd vs. the Rod Stewart crowd.  There were even two different videos (take one and take two… I prefer take one).  She’s not what I’d expect based on the song lyrics, but I wouldn’t have minded fulfilling her wish.

Mazzy Star is not Hope Sandoval

I learned two things while looking this up.  Apparently, Mazzy Star’s style of music is called dream pop.  I didn’t know this was a genre, but it makes sense.  The second thing I learned was Mazzy Star is not she… it’s they:

Mazzy Star is Hope Sandoval AND David Roback

(SIDENOTE: What is it about this song that reminds me of the TV show Friends?)

This girl does not like pants.

This one I’m slightly cheating on because I found out what she looked like when Why Can’t I? came out in 2003.  All I do know is if I had seen her in ’94, I probably would have developed a crush and bought her CD and went to her concert.  But I didn’t.  Money and time saved.  But now that I’ve seen she doesn’t really like shirts either on the TripleDoubleXU in 2012, I feel it’s all come full circle somehow.

Donna Lewis sounds like a fashion designer.

Okay, so she’s really not even close to what would be considered a 90’s rocker, but this song was everywhere.  I never knew what she looked like, and now I do.  That’s all I have to say about that.

A Handful Of… Carly Rae Jepsen Riffs

If you haven’t heard the song Call Me Maybe by Canadian Carly Rae Jepson, consider yourself lucky… or a recluse.

In case you haven’t, here’s a refresher (the video actually made me laugh if you’re willing to put up with the teen pop… apparently, I am):

What’s interesting to note is the amount of comments attributed to mocking her chorus:

Hey, I just met you
And this is crazy
But here’s my number
So call me, maybe?

Here are A Handful Of Carly Rae Jepsen Riffs (borrowed liberally from comments on YouTube):

  1. Hey I just met you/ And this is awkward/ But here’s my number/ Cuz I’m your stalker
  2. Hey, I just met you/ And this is crazy/ My name is Kony/ I stole your baby
  3. Hey, I just met you/ And this is crazy/ I have Alzheimer’s/ Hey, I just met you
  4. Hey, I just pet you/ Dog you’re crazy/ You just bit me/ Now I have rabies!
  5. Hey, I just met you/ And this is crazy/ I’m a pirate/ So call me matey

And here are some pretty good visual ones as well:

A Handful Of… Movies That Are Not Sequels To Other Movies

SIDEDISCLAIMER: This is a dumb idea I’ve had for a while now.  Deal with it. Below you will find A Handful Of Movies That Are Not Sequels To Other Movies.  Why am I doing this, you might ask?  My answer: education.

  • Black Dog / White Dog

One wags, while the other swayze.

Black Dog is an action picture about an ex-con being tricked into smuggling illegal arms. White Dog is a movie starring Kristy McNichol around her ABC School Specialdays, and oh yeah – it’s about a racist dog.

  • Think Like a Man / What Women Want

The themes of the films form some kind of mental Mobius strip. Better yet – Ouroboros… the snake that eats its own tail.

Despite nobody having a clue about either sex (sorry Steve Harvey – not all men operate on such basic levels, and sorry to all involved with What Women Want – women never know what they want), these films might as well be science fiction instead of comedies.

SIDENOTE: Speaking of comedies, want a good laugh?  Cameron Diaz is making a sequel called What Men Want.

  • Act I: Food.
  • Act II: Sex.
  • Act III: Sleep.

Finis.

  • Battleship / Clue: The Movie

I miss the days B4 B9 shit like this was made.

Sure, both are based on board games, but whereas Clue: The Movie was clever, Battleship is sunk by getting handed scrap footage from Transformers 3.

  • Chernobyl Diaries / Princess Diaries

And somewhere in the middle sits The Nanny Diaries.

This one’s just dumb.  Moving on…

Prequels, anyone?

Bill Cosby, you weren’t fooling anyone.  Nor making them laugh.  Not even getting a smile, really…

A Handful Of… Decidedly 90’s Ditties

To refer to these tunes as ditties might imply that they’re gipper chipper, but come on… it was the 90’s.  Nothing was chipper.

What’s interesting about this A Handful Of is that I don’t think they could have been made at any time other than that dreary decade.

(SIDENOTE: Okay, two of them are kind of chipper.)

 

  • Sponge’s Molly (16 Candles Down the Drain) – 1995
  • Tripping Daisy’s I Got a Girl – 1995
  • Seven Mary Three’s Cumbersome – 1996
  • Nada Surf’s Popular – 1996
  • Butthole Surfer’s Pepper – 1996
  • Cornershop’s Brimful of Asha – 1997

A Handful Of… Songs About Santa Monica

When I lived in West Los Angeles many El Niño’s ago (or were they La Niña’s?), there were two songs that always sort of inspired me to move there: Sheryl Crow’s All I Wanna Do and Everclear’s Santa Monica.  Even though I didn’t live in the exact city of Santa Monica, I lived as close as those two songs were actually about the city (more on that in a moment).  It was their sound that encapsulated the vibe I was seeking, and they hit the gauge in the earlobe.

Anymalibu, it was a recent song I’ve heard that made me realize that there’s been A Handful Of Songs About Santa Monica, and here they are:

This is the song that launched this post, and if you listen to its words… you’ll have no idea what it’s about, either.  He’s talking about someone being tied up and screaming and the British army gets a shout out.  He sings of Santa Monica throughout, but it could be a person rather than a place.  Malinowski’s Canadian and in a reggae band, so… that’s no help.  But I like the song, anyway.

This one specifically talks about Third Street Promenade, which was one of my favorite places to visit, but it’s more about getting lost, or feeling lost, or losing yourself in a popular public place.  I never heard this song before writing this post, but man, is it depressing…

Do all these artists want me to slit my wrists with a long board, or what?  This one’s about a break-up that begins with a bed full of gasoline.  Whether it’s figurative or literal is beside the point.

Finally, an upbeat song!  Wait, what?  It’s really about attempted suicide?!  Plus, it was also temporarily banned from airplay after the attacks on 9/11?  Good vibes gracious.

Man, I forgot how big of a crush I had on Sheryl Crow back in the day.  This song may not be about the city, but at least it’s a happy tune about urban ennui.  In other words, a rallying cry for day drunks on Santa Monica Boulevard.

A Handful Of… Collections Of Remakes

Is music made of paper?

Is music made of plastic?

Is music made of glas– okay, I’m not going to go on with this forever.

What I’m basically getting at is this: why do we recycle music?  I meant to write about this when Muppets: The Green Album came out, but I had better things to write about then, like this or this.

So now that the movie is coming out on DVD (or Blu-Ray… pick your poison), I feel it’s timely again… to share the CD’s in my collection that are collections of remakes.  I will rate them on a scale of up to five recycled Kermits, for no real reason.

Muppets: The Green Album

Keep it green. Recycle.

3 out of 5

This album made me realize I’m not as big of a Muppets fan as I thought.  I’m a fan of The Muppets Movie and its soundtrack – but not as much else.  And that made me sad.  Or should I say, blue.  Moving right along…

Honeymoon in Vegas Soundtrack

Rock N' Repeat

5 out of 5

I really liked this album, but then again, it was back when I had it on cassette.  It made me appreciate Elvis Presley a bit more than I did before, though, so there’s that hunk of burning knowledge for ya!

I Am Sam Soundtrack

I Am Sam I Am

4 out of 5

The same things goes with this collection of The Beatles remakes.  I wasn’t sure I liked much of what they did prior to hearing these retreads, but my perspective changed.  Why only four out five recycled Kermits, you wonder?  Have you seen I Am Sam?

Saturday Morning Cartoons Greatest Hits

Saturday Morning Reruns

2.5 out of 5

I maybe listened to this CD in its entirety thrice, but that was mostly because the CD player I had at the time wasn’t the best.  I really liked Sponge and Sublime back then, which is why I bought it.  Maybe I shouldn’t have given it two-and-a-half recycled Kermits

The Duran Duran Tribute Album

The band's name is a repeat.

1 out of 5

I’m not even particularly fond of Duran Duran, so why did I purchase this?  Oh yeah.  Goldfinger, Reel Big Fish, Less Than Jake, Gob…

A Handful Of… Odd Guest Appearances In Songs

Having only recently rediscovered What Have I Done to Deserve This courtesy of satellite radio, I never realized Dusty Springfield sang with the Pet Shop Boys.  To anyone born since 1990, these words have no meaning.  This is the song on a little something the kids call, the YouTube:

Why this seems surprising to me is Dusty Springfield sang Son of a Preacher Man… not 80’s British synthpop.  For comparison (you may know this song if you were born after 1990… I’m sure it’s been featured on American Idol at one time or another):

Having shared that, I decided to drudge up A Handful Of Odd Guest Appearances In Songs, so here they are:

  • Aretha Franklin and George Michael’s I Knew You Were Waiting For Me

Arethra Franklin used to be huge instead of just huge, and George Michael was still a respected chap.  This one wasn’t completely out of left-field, but in retrospect, it is odd… ly wonderful, me thinks:

  • Eminem and Pink’s Won’t Back Down

Eminem teaming up with Pink is like Eminem teaming up with P!nk… it didn’t seem like something that would happen.  But I’m glad it did:

  • Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson’s Say Say Say

I would have rather used The Girl is Mine as my example, but I didn’t look too hard for couldn’t find it.  So teaming up a former Beatle with a former Jackson 5-er isn’t that strange, until you realize it was during these collaborations in which McCartney suggested to Jackson that he should buy all the rights to his music, which in turn lead to Jackson buying many of the rights to The Beatles music:

  • The KLF and Tammy Wynette’s Justified and Ancient

I still have no idea what this song is about.  But it’s another Brit pop band/American country artist match-up:

  • Bing Crosby and David Bowie’s Little Drummer Boy/ Peace On Earth

This is an odd pairing, but it’s not the strangest:

  • Rihanna and Chris Brown’s Bad Girl

This. Is. Wrong.  But still… not the worst:

  • Mindless Behavior and Ciara’s My Girl

These kids are in their early teens; Ciara is 26 (I thought she was older).  They still shouldn’t be performing like this together.  This is why so many teachers are having sex with their students, I don’t suspect: