Month: December 2012

True Facts I Made Up… The Truth Behind Billie Jean

Posted on by sgottahurt

Every once in a while on this great planet a person with no discernible talent rises like a comet toward the outskirts of fame, and instead crashes like a meteor toward infamy.  This was the trajectory Kim Kardashian and George W. Bush were destined to follow, but our modern media changed their outcomes.

The same can’t be said about Billie Jean.  (Thanks modern media.)

Wilhelmina Jeanette Mousekewitz, circa 1980

Wilhelmina Jeanette Mousekewitz, circa 1980, imitating the practice that would make her a legend

Wilhelmina Jeanette Mousekewitz*, better known only as Billie Jean, was born some time in the 60’s to a mother and father that named her.  She always had dreams of making it big in Hollywood, and once she got too big for Hollywood, Ohio, she moved to Los Angeles to chase bigger dreams… and the stuff of legend.

At the ripe age of legal, she found her way into many celebrity circles, and more specifically, into many celebrities’ beds… some of which happened to be circle in shape.  Many Two singers sang about their exploits involving Ms. Mousekewitz:

Some even suggest that Tommy Tutone’s scandalous Jenny was one of her pet names (Billy Jenny):

A movie was made based on The Legend of Billie Jean, but it was a tongue-in-cheek reference to her true story:

You can't make a movie about

Nobody would sign off on it.

The biggest reason that Billie Jean is known among the Hollywood elite is for her coining of this phrase:

Who do I gotta blow to get a _______ around here?

She said it all the time, and she meant it, whether it was a part in a film that she wanted, or a cheeseburger from Carl’s Jr.  And that’s the untold true story behind Billie Jean.

*(It’s been said that her last name also inspired the story that became An American Tail.  The pun was on purpose.)

Punch Drunken Recollection… Laffy Taffy Ride

Posted on by sgottahurt

My original plan for this post was to write about a collection of strangers I made up stories about while at a concert.  There was:

  • Bored Larry – this was a guy standing in front of me that would hunch over for extended periods of time, then suddenly start standing upright again… he also went by Emotional Larry because there was a chance he was moping instead of hunching
  • The Kissing Kouple – these two people couldn’t have been more mismatched… he was a Barenaked Ladies understudy; she was a less famous pin-up girl from the 40’s… and they made out the entire concert
  • Two  Jims – these two guys wouldn’t shut up behind me, bonding over the minutia of life and beer
  • Drunk Poor Man’s Parker Posey – this girl was beyond trashed and asked everybody and anybody if they were ready to leave… I believe one of the Two Jims (if not both) might have taken her up on her sad offer

But instead of doing what I just did, I decided to share some Laffy Taffy jokes my siblings and I made up while driving from Chicago to Detroit in two different cars.  Enjoy!

Not a very polite beginning, but a beginning nonetheless.

Not a very polite beginning, but a beginning nonetheless.

Too easy.

Too easy.

I was not involved in this one so I had to make color alterations.

I was not involved in this one so I had to make color alterations.

You see, my sister had this tobacco moth on her tomato plant. It was disgusting... and a terrible guess.

You see, my sister had this tobacco moth on her tomato plant. It was disgusting… and a terrible guess.

All acceptable guesses. But only one is right.

All acceptable guesses. But only one is right.

Sexist!

Sexist!

It should have been a stamp, but that Laffy Taffy joke probably exists. Hence, convention was turned on its head.

It should have been a stamp talking to an envelope, but that Laffy Taffy joke probably exists. Hence, convention was turned on its head.

Callback!

Callback!

This was in reference to me making everybody guess my favorite Wang Chung song.

This was in reference to me making everybody guess my favorite Wang Chung song.

*Head slap!* Atlantis Morrissette!

*Head slap!* Atlantis Morrissette is better!

Unofficial Trilogy… Filmic Comic Book Bookends Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

(OPENING SIDENOTE: I like the title of this post.)

Today’s Unofficial Trilogy is about the nails in the coffin of comic book film series (or as in one case, a stake in the heart). Spider-Man 3 was saved by a summer reboot, otherwise this would have been an Unofficial Quadrilogy.

Oh, so dark these heroes..

Oh, so dark these heroes… except maybe the last one.

This movie was, um, weird.  It barely featured Wesley Snipes as Blade (was he out of the country evading taxes when this was made?), and the scene where John Michael Higgins interrogates him is laughable.  Gay subtext in a James Bond superhero/vampire  film?  Well I never!

Two words: Brett Ratner (wow, I haven’t bashed on him in a long while).  Two more words: cobbled mess.  Four more words: I’m the Juggernaut, bitch!  Two last words on The Last Stand: whiny Wolverine.

I was really upset with the lack of purpose this one seemed to have.  And critic Chris Gore made a good point about it by stating something like this (I’m poorly paraphrasing):

His parents’ death made Bruce Wayne become Batman, but Rachel Dawes death made him not be Batman?

But then I read this article, and something happened… my opinion kinda sorta changed.  I won’t go into too much detail, but the author basically regards the third film as a contradiction to the second film, and that in turn made me realize TDKR was the answer to the TDK problem that nobody asked.  What I always enjoyed about the first film’s ending was that it agreed with my theory:

If someone figures out how to be a superhero/villain, then someone will figure out how become its opposite.

The Dark Knight answered that question perfectly.  But what question did TDK ask?

Is a lie okay if it’s for the greater good?

TDK was all about bending means to certain ends.  TDKR was about the inevitable collapse of those well-intended lies.  Too bad it just felt shoddy and shitty.

(FYI: The above Batman poster was made by this guy.)

Worth 1002 Words… Creeped Me The F— Out Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Look Away!

(SIDENOTE: I don’t really want to get into how I found this on IMDb, but here I go… I was looking up horrible movies that were in the After Dark Horriblefest Horrorfest, and I didn’t realize that one I had seen was in that group.  The Graves is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, but thanks to its leads, Clare Grant (Mrs. Seth Green) and cutie Jillian Murray, I unfortunately stuck with it.  So having seen a lot of Ms. Grant on the TripleDoubleU, I thought I’d look into Ms. Murray’s C.V.  Lucky for me, she was the star of a little movie called Wild Things: Foursome.  Nonetheless, this dude named Keith Hudson had a small part in it, and his picture freaked me out.  This is a shot from another movie, just to let you know…)

The Silver Lining… At Least I Can Still Share “All Star Bowling Trick Shots” With You

Posted on by sgottahurt

This was going to be Worth 1002 Words, but I forgot I had one waiting.  You’ll see that tomorrow.  Instead, I’m upset I can’t embed videos unless they’re of a certain kind on WordPress anymore.  But like the title of the post says…

Air Robinson

Air Robinson

(SIDENOTE: You see, because that’s Craig Robinson of Hot Tub Time Machine and The Office, and he’s dun— oh, never mind. Watch the video by clicking here.  There are more stars than you can shake a stick at.  What’s that, you say?  You can shake a stick at seventeen stars?  Well then there’s as many stars as you specifically can shake a stick at.)

InASense, Lost… Holy Crap! Or, These Toys Piss Me Off!

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ll admit it.  I watch Cartoon Network.  That’s where I catch all the latest Clone Wars episodes (not for much longer, though).

It’s also where I catch-up on the latest and greatest toy offerings.  Of all the dumb things I’ve seen, I couldn’t believe that this (post from two years ago) has officially made its way here:

What’s next?

This toy from Britain?

Or this one from 1991?

(SIDENOTE: Wow.  That song is not catchy at all.)