This should have been a Hibbidy-Wah?! post. This could have been a JusWondering, or part of an Awful Battle, or something from InASense, Lost, but the thought crossed my mind to defend it.
WHY DID I EVER CONSIDER DEFENDING THIS?!
(images after the jump as not to offend the casual viewer… Facebookers and Twitterers, I’m sorry… it’s too late…)
Boobs are a national treasure (the fleshy globules, not the idiots), and they should be treated and protected and respected (?) as so. That’s why today’s Awesome Battle is a collection of products aimed at cleaving away negative aspects of having cleavage, I guess, if there is such a thing. Perhaps it should be an Awful Battle based upon the products being showcased, but what was I saying again…?
…and that’s probably because it wasn’t a drunken treat.
But I was told this while I was drunk, and I believed my friend. Moooostly because of the aforementioned boozing and unfamiliarity with the product.
Still, who thought marketing juice boxes to adults was a great idea?
Probably the same people who thought using Richard Lewis in the commercials was the bee’s knees.
(Or Richard Lewis’ hair stylist, amiright?)
This is only my second journey down monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK lane, and as it turns out, this post also takes place in 2004. I really should have started blogging earlier…
Vindicated? Not quite...
There’s nothing quite like a great theme song. I’m not talking about the musical score, the likes of which composer John Williams will never miss a beat, I’m sure.
(SIDENOTE: I’m of course being sarcastic. His new music from Star Wars Episodes I and II is okay at best, as well as his theme for the first Harry Potter movie, but none of them will ever be Jaws, E.T., or Indiana Jones. (INNER SIDENOTE: I doubt they’ll ever make all those stupid warlock books into movies… they’re on book five already… it has to end sometime…))
No, what I’m talking about is the Eye of the Tiger. Shaft. Wind Beneath My Wings.
So what does all this have to do with Spider-Man 2? It has a crappy theme song.
Chris Carrabba, lead (only?) singer of Dashboard Confessional, wrote this wonder of lyric-fest that just “screams” Spider-Man:
Hope dangles on a string like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out, the shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in, so mesmerizing and so hypnotizing
I am captivated, I amCHORUS:
Vindicated, I am selfish, I am wrong, I am right
I swear I’m right, swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore, you saw yourselfSo clear like the diamond in your ring, cut to mirror your intention
Over sized and overwhelmed, the shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated and so motivated
I am certain now that I amCHORUS
So turn up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall foreverDefense is paper-thin
Just one touch and I’ll be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the currentSo let me slip away, so let me slip away
So let me slip away, so let me slip against the current
So let me slip away, so let me slip away
So let me slip away, so let me slip awayCHORUS
Slight hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
What?! Does that have to do anything with Spider-Man at all? It has been rumored (or it’s totally true) that he had another song called I Need a Sure Thing ready to go prior to seeing the completed film, then he had a change of heart and wrote Vindicated in about fifteen minutes. How would that song have fared? Well, here are its lyrics:
You are a razor blade
You are precision-cut
You are a stare sharp as the tack in my eye?
At rest in my veins
[Your pulse in my neck?]
As sharp-edged as questions the time I have left
And so you are on my mind.I need a burning stake
I need a piercing dart
I need something as hot as it is sharp
And I need to bleed
I need to burn
I need a sure thing
I need a sure thing
And you are a mystery to meYou are a paper bird
Folded and folded and creased
And bent and shaped from a five dollar bill
It’s priceless to me
And never spent
It hangs from a ceiling fan over my bed
And so you are on my mindI need a burning stake
I need a piercing dart
I need something as hot as it is sharp
And I need to bleed
I need to burn
I need a sure thing
And you are a mystery to meI’ll hang my hopes all at once on a rope
There’s a possibility that this is happening to someone who’s not me
I’ll hold my head
Keep it still and pretend
That these spins and the webs
Are actually desirableI need a burning stake
I need a piercing dart
I need something as hot as it is sharp
And I need to bleed I need to burn
I need a sure thing
And you are a mystery to me
I’m beginning to think Chris Carrabba doesn’t know the difference between a spider, a vampire, and a Spider-Man.
At least Chad Kroeger and Josey Scott’s Hero from the first Spider-Man film was about a hero coming to save us (or not) and him not staying to wait. But then again, Macy Gray sang a song in that same movie:
"I tried to walk away but... my contract with Sony kept me here."
In closing, I guess every song can’t be Peter Cetera’s Glory of Love from The Karate Kid II. That was a perfect match.
(SIDENOTE: It wasn’t a perfect match. It was originally supposed to be in one of the Rocky films…)
I’ve written about the Gregory Brothers/Schmoyoho before, plus who hasn’t heard the Bed Intruder or Double Rainbow Song yet?
This is their latest:
Here’s the original for good measure:
But the question remains – this girl can’t be real, can she?
Leave it to this curious (as a cat) news guy to get to the bottom (feeder) of it:
Sure, it takes some of the catnip of Can’t Hug Every Cat, but it’s still a fancy feast (sorry for that stretch).
Zip-A-Dee-Do Them
Some alternates:
If you squint your ears just a bit, Neil Young’s The Needle and the Damage Done, which is this song…
…sounds just a bit like Jewel’s You Were Meant For Me, which is this song:
It should also be noted that both songs are about addiction… Jewel’s addiction is only slightly more pathetic. Gah…
(SIDENOTE: I don’t really like Neil Young, but I like Jimmy Fallon’s impersonation of him.)
(BONUS SIDENOTE: Jewel’s covered that song.)
By now, Old Spice commercials have become iconic. Whether Bruce Campbell croons Hungry Like the Wolf to a gaggle of ladies, Terry Crews punches words, or Isaiah Mustafa performs in-camera tricks, everyone has a good scents if it’s one of their ads or not.
(SIDENOTE: Somehow all Target commercials accomplish the same thing.)
I don’t watch a lot of commercials these days, but I have seen some that made me raise my unibrow eyebrows. Apparently Dairy Queen has been running this odd campaign for some time now, but it does beg the question… Coinkydink or Coinkydonk?
(SIDENOTE: Another question begged… will DQ singlehandedly bring back the moustache?)
I saw this ad come up on my iPhone when I was looking for… something…
It's a Mexican bread company. They should know bimbo.
And I thought it was bad, until I was told about this ad:
This ad is being accused of a lot of things...
But then this… this… slide happened in Poland…
(SIDENOTE: I really like the version of Bohemian Rhapsody used in the background…)
I was going to make this list based solely on the discovery of Frank Zappa’s Bobby Brown (Goes Down), but alas, it is not about this guy:
This was the key to Whitney Houston's crack pipe...
Even still, I thought it would be fun anyway to collect (More Than) A Handful Of… Songs Named After Famous People. Enjoy, or care less, which I will do in tandem with you.
(SIDENOTE: Obviously, this is not all of the songs named after famous people. I almost put Falco’s Rock Me Amadeus, Herman’s Hermits’ I’m Henry the Eighth, I Am and Kim Carnes’ Bette Davis Eyes, but their titles contain ancillary words.)
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