the shit to just shitty

Sh–ty To Just Sh–tier… Sobe’s Too Long Oolong Radio Commercial

Posted on by sgottahurt

This MF’n FM commercial drives me almost up the wall when I’m driving.  I’ve been trying to record it to share with the masses for a while now, but I’ve finally caught it and bottled it up to torture you.  I missed the first oolong, but I certainly got the rest, as well as all the goji pears, if that’s how you even spell it.

Fuck you, Sobe.  Fuck you hard.  Except for this.  This you did all right.

(SIDENOTE: I know Piccolo’s name is not Goji Pear, but Oolong is definitely right.)

The Sh– And Just Sh–ty… X-Men Films Reviewed As Roller Coasters

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m a little bit upset that X-Men: First Class didn’t do better at the box office in its opening weekend, but I have a feeling that might have to deal with the lead-ins… à la The Jay Leno Show and The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.

You see, X-Men: The Last Stand and Wolverine were quite terrible, and perhaps the masses have finally realized they’d had enough.  Or potentially, Hugh Jackman just has that kind of draw.

None the less, I realized there was no pattern of the films in this series being The Shit or simply Just Shitty, so I rated what I think about each movie in comparison to various roller coasters and their riders.

Hey, at least it's finally a movie!

The first X-Men had a lot of work to do.  It had to introduce not only a unique spin on previous superhero origin stories, but it also had to introduce a lot of characters and ideologies.  It’s probably not too fair to compare the flick that introduced the world to the concept of mutants and a mine car roller coaster… Actually, it might be perfectly fair.  Besides, the finale at the Statue of Liberty stills leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

You got that right!

Aside from the fact that the title should have been anything other than what it is (X-Men 2: Mutants United makes way more sense on all levels), this film was fun from the get go.  Gone was Halle Berry’s stupid fake accent; Wolverine finally kicked some ass; Nightcrawler was handled exceptionally well.  Still one of the best superhero movies in Colonel Stryker general.

Duh-rector Brett Ratner is a regular at this ride.

Directors Matthew Vaughan and Bryan Singer poured some of their creative talents into the third film during pre-production.  I assume anything clever (and there was very little) was their handiwork.  The rest was Brett Ratner’s greasy fingers.

I don't want to go to there.

Could have been great.  Could have been fun.  Wasn’t at all.

Not something you see everyday.

I avoided the previews as best as I could, and I was not disappointed.  I loved this film.  It accomplished everything it set out to do: be an origin story and a palette cleanser.  It was cool that it was set in the real world, with a real world life-saving issue, and it was even cooler that it was a send-up of 60’s spy movies at times.

James McAvoy as Charles “Professor X” Xavier and Michael Fassbender as Erik “Magneto” Lensherr fit their roles well, and brought more to the table for these characters, much like how Chris Pine updated Captain Kirk in the Star Trek reboot.  Also, I’ve never appreciated Kevin Bacon more, because he brought a sense of validation to the cast of mostly unknowns.  (There are tons of B-Actor! cameos, and some A-Actors! as well.)

The only thing that sucked?  January Jones can’t act her way out of lingerie.

The Sh–? Just Sh–ty… 2WordStory

Posted on by sgottahurt

There’s some movement in the Detroit area called 2WordStory.  Here’s the homepage from their website:

Seriously? Seriously.

Basically, it’s a church thing.  The one-word question is before you find The Big Guy or Gal or Aliens Upstairs, and the second word is the answer after you find Him or Her or Them.

I’d prefer to use it in other ways, such as in, oh let’s just say, blog commentary:

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Sexy Beer Ads

Posted on by sgottahurt

Sexism in beer advertising just ain’t what it used to be.

Remember when beer ads had scantily clad women in barely there bikinis, rubbing icy cold bottles of the devil’s brew up and down their glistening– wait, there never were commercials like this?!

Take a look at the latest offering from Miller Lite and tell me if it’s sexy or not:

Well okay sure, the ladies are hot.  And there’s nothing wrong with beautiful girls in full-body blue bathing suits tackling a man in a convenience shop.  But I can’t help but wonder what these kind of commercials would be like if the censors weren’t watching.  I’m not talking XXX territory either, just a racier ad.

After all, isn’t this an ad campaign aimed at guys?  Guys that the MillerCoors Brewing Company want to drink their light beer? Or is that what this boils down to.  Perhaps a manlier beer deserves a manlier campaign:

I’d rather stay thirsty my friends, than gather Taste Points…

…even though I prefer to drink Miller Lite over Dos Equis.
But that’s mostly because I’m cheap frugal!

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… They Just Don’t Make Creepy Stalker Songs Anymore

Posted on by sgottahurt

Love ain’t what it used to be, I guess.  And what it used to be was creepy and stalker-ish.  How these songs were possible isn’t my greatest concern… it’s the fact that they were popular!

Each of these songs were certifiable as The Shit at the time of their initial release (or in one case, re-release).

This one should be obvious.  But it should be noted that it’s a remake of a French song… about stalking.  It should also be noted that Little Peggy March was 15 when she recorded this (and she’s still the youngest female artist to have a U.S. chart-topping single).

Sample lyrics: Into my room he creeps?  Into my dreams he peeps?  This is a love song?  (BTW, I love this video someone made, mostly because the dude is wearing an eye patch…)

Singer Debbie Harry based this song on her ex that once stalked her.  I never realized it was about that, although I should have from the chorus, or with these lyrics: I’ll walk down the mall/ Stand over by the wall/ Where I can see it all/ Find out who ya call…

Okay, this one isn’t as heavy on the stalker side as it is creepy.  With lyrics like She’s just 16 years old/ Leave her alone, they say, it’s a creepy win.  Neil Diamond almost made this list for the same reason, but there was some extrapolating involved.  He wrote  Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon in 1967, then he wrote Sweet Caroline in 1969 about Caroline Kennedy… who was 12 at the time.

Sting claims it’s more about Big Brother than a voyeuristic lover, but either way… heebie-jeebies ensue.

  • Lionel Richie’s Hello (1984)

If it weren’t for the video, this one could have slid by unnoticed.  But I’m not blind… that was probably a poor choice of words.  Don Henley’s Boys of Summer almost took a spot for swimming around stalking (I’m driving by your house/ Though I know that you’re not home… Remember how you drove me crazy?/ Remember how I made you scream?), but its video, which is nowhere to be (easily) found, kept memories of it light and nostalgic. 

So where are all the good creepy stalker songs these days?  In 27 years, have they truly gone the way of Just Shitty?

Nevermind…

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Stan “The Man” Lee

Posted on by sgottahurt

The Golden Age, Silver Age, and Old Age of Stan Lee

There are few celebrities I’ve had the chance to interact with (and surprisingly, I’ve not yet done a post on that… hmm), and Stan Lee is one of them.

If you don’t know who Stan Lee is, you’re an idiot I’ll sum it up like this… Wikipedia entry:

He co-created Spider-Man, the Fantastic Four, the X-Men, the Avengers, Iron Man, the Hulk, Thor, Daredevil, Doctor Strange, and many other fictional characters, introducing complex, naturalistic characters and a thoroughly shared universe into superhero comic books.

Not bad, right?

My exchange with him occurred at a book fair at UCLA some many years back.  He was taking questions from the audience, and he pointed sort of toward me, so I stole some other guy’s question.

STAN LEE: Okay, I was pointing at the other guy.  What’s your question?

ME: Many current writers consider you their inspiration.  What writers inspired you?

STAN LEE: Oh, I’d say all the great ones… Shakespeare, Dickens, blah blah blah…

(SIDENOTE: I don’t really remember the extent of his answer, but my question was pretty good, right?)

Anyuatu, as for his more recent endeavors, I don’t think he’s firing on all radioactive spider bites.

Remember Stripperella?

Yup. This happened.

Remember Mosaic and The Condor?

Mosaic's a chameleon, but not in this scene. I couldn't find any chameleon scenes.

The Condor's a super skateboarder. Voiced by Fez from That 70's Show.

And now there’s going to be The Governator?

"Cal-e-forn-e-uh!"

That’s not Just Shitty, that’s Super Shitty.

The Sh– To Even More The Sh–… The Schnitzelbank Song

Posted on by sgottahurt

I am in utter absolute glory.  I recently visited this German bar in Detroit:

Pictured: Dakota Inn of Detroit (Not Pictured: Surrounding Urban Blight)


It was in this very place that I thought I discovered the magnificent Schnitzelbank Song.  Here is the accompanying chart (because how awesome can a drinking song be without an accompanying chart):

Yes, that Haufen Mist is a pile of cow dung...


In public, it sort of went something like this (I swear the Dakota’s Inn version was 100x better):

But in all my research, I came to realize why this song has endeared itself so strongly to me.  And that reason why is this:

(SIDENOTE: It also explains why the name Otto von Schnitzelpusskrankengescheitmeyer has long been stuck in my subconscious…)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Films Series That (Thankfully) Stopped At Two

Posted on by sgottahurt

Should have opted for "Airplane Again Too!"

With The Hangover 2 soon being downloaded on your home computer arriving at your local cinema, I started thinking about other films that have only had one sequel.

Blame it on public desire; blame it on the cast a crew’s fondness for one another; blame it on studio greed; Blame It on Rio.  When certain movies do so surprisingly well sequels are an inevitability.  But most times, two is one too many.

Let’s take a look at films from the 80’s (and late 70’s and early 90’s) where sequelling stopped at two.  These got out of the game while the getting was still good, probably because the sequels were… not that good:

  • Airplane! / Airplane II: The Sequel
  • American Graffiti / More American Graffiti
  • An American Werewolf in London / An American Werewolf in Paris
  • Arthur / Arthur 2: On the Rocks
  • Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure / Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey
  • The Blue Lagoon / Return to the Blue Lagoon
  • Breakin’ / Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo
  • Caddyshack / Caddyshack II
  • Cocoon / Cocoon: The Return
  • Creepshow / Creepshow 2
  • Fletch / Fletch Lives
  • The Fly / The Fly II
  • 48 Hours / Another 48 Hours
  • Fright Night / Fright Night Part II
  • F/X / F/X 2: The Deadly Art of Illusion
  • Grease / Grease 2
  • Gremlins / Gremlins 2: The New Batch
  • Ghostbusters / Ghostbusters 2
  • Mannequin / Mannequin 2: On the Move
  • Romancing the Stone / Jewel of the Nile
  • Saturday Night Fever / Staying Alive
  • Saturday the 14th / Saturday the 14th Strikes Back
  • Short Circuit / Short Circuit 2
  • Stakeout / Another Stakeout
  • The Sting / The Sting II
  • Teen Wolf / Teen Wolf Too
  • Three Men and a Baby / Three Men and a Little Lady
  • Weekend at Bernie’s / Weekend at Bernie’s II
  • Wayne’s World / Wayne’s World 2
  • Young Guns / Young Guns 2
  • Zapped! / Zapped Again!

Beyond that time period, it doesn’t seem there were a lot of other movies that stopped at two movies.  Or were there?

(Continued after the jump) Read More

The Sh– And Just Sh–ty… A Day In The Life Of The Hanks Family

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s safe to say that Tom Hanks is beloved.  (It’s an easier call than saying that about Grimace.)  But does that extend to his family?  Tough call.  (His wife, Rita Wilson, probably would feel some love.  She’s at least beminusloved.  And maybe son Colin Hanks has some fans…?)

After the Oscars, it was really nice to see Tom Hanks playing up his comedy skills again on the Jimmy Kimmel Live.  For the record, this is filed under The Shit:

Let it be known, Sophie Hanks is not his real daughter.  (She’s played by Actor! Nikki Hahn.)  But Rapper! Chet Haze is his real son:

Guess what this is filed under…

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Namely, Britney’s Dance Moves

Posted on by sgottahurt

To this day, I still have no idea how this video ever got released:

Britney Spears was only 17 at the time, and unless my morals have changed a shit-ton since 1999, having a (slightly) underage girl writhing about in a navel-exposing school uniform seems unlikely to fly today.

Um, guess again... (click image for video)

But that’s not what this post is about.  It’s about Britney’s dancing ability (or declining lack thereof).

Relax Chris Crocker, it's not going to be that bad...

I know she had a bad knee injury in 2004 (only because I looked it up), but the lack of moves in her new video for Hold It Against Me is tantamount to Aretha Franklin trying to dance.

At least in her (last?) video for Womanizer, she had the common sense to appear pretty much naked between dance moves.

Check out her latest, which is probably more about advertisement placement than anything else:

In closing, I guess I’m doing just like she said… I’m Holding It Against Her.

Bonus video after the jump… it’s about her tongue. Read More