JusWondering

JusWondering… Why I Have Zero Interest In “Green Zone”

Posted on by sgottahurt

As I mentioned a couple posts ago, I haven’t been to the theater since Avatar(d).  That’s mostly because of the recent slew of crappy movies (okay, Shutter Island may be an exception, but it’s reviews are certainly polarized).

We are quickly embarking on the spring releases, and one at the top of that list is the Jason Bourne, er, I mean, Matt Damon vehicle, Green Zone.  And I have zero interest in it, but it’s not for the reason you may think.

As for Actor! Matt Damon – I don’t mind him.

  • His role in Ocean’s 11, 12, and 13 bought him a lot of leeway, much like how Kiefer Sutherland did with 24.  I still can’t help but think of this when I look at him:
  • But to his credit, he was awesome in EuroTrip:

So is my problem with screenwriter Brian Helgeland?  Nope.

  • He has a free pass forever because of L.A. Confidential.  Hands down – if I could have written that script, I would have quit writing upon its completion.  And it’s not like I haven’t also enjoyed some of his other works.  Besides, his record is definitely less spotty than competent hacks David Koepp and Eric Roth.

Then it’s director Paul Greengrass, right?  Wrong.

  • I still have not seen Bourne Supremacy and Bourne Ultimatum, but I’ve heard great things about them.  On the other hand, United 93 reeked of propaganda, so I avoided it.  There is a political aspect to Green Zone, but that’s not turning me away.

Then what’s the deal?  Is it the title?  As a matter of fact – yes.

  • It’s not like I have anything against the word green (FYI: it’s also a color).  As a kid, I recall having a giant-sized coloring book about a guy that hated the Incredible Hulk, solely because he was green.  That is not what’s going on with me, even though I do associate green with environmental issues, money, boogers, and the vomiting scene in The Exorcist.

"Matt Damon!"

  • And it’s not like movies with green in the title have been bad: Soylent Green, Green Street Hooligans, The Green Mile, and the upcoming Green Lantern.
  • It all has to deal with 30 Rock, David Schwimmer, and this character:

"Greenzo!"

JusWondering… Why Do Irrational Fears Have To Be Irrational?

Posted on by sgottahurt

The definition of irrational (according to The Free Dictionary):

  • Not endowed with reason
  • Affected by loss of usual or normal mental clarity; incoherent, as from shock
  • Marked by a lack of accord with reason or sound judgment: an irrational dislike

Well I’d like to add one more:

  • Something that makes sense if you really think about it

I’ve made it known before that I have a fair amount of rational fears, but would you believe me if I told you I also have some that would be regarded as irrational?

My complaint about the definition is this:

If any of my irrational fears ever happened, they wouldn’t be irrational anymore; I’m afraid of that happening, thus rendering my fears rational.  Right?

FEAR #1 – That I’ll drive off with the gas pump still in my car.

I leave my engine running, so anything's possible. Including a fire.

FEAR #2 – That I’ll drop my keys in a sewer grate as I walk over it.

Keys please state in my pocket!

FEAR #3 – That I’ll jump over the ledge of a building if I’m on the roof.

Yeah... this one's just crazy...

JusWondering… Criteria To Be A Child Of The 80’s

Posted on by sgottahurt

First off, let me begin by saying this:

Fuck those You might be a Child of the 80’s if… lists.

Now that that’s out of my system, let me explain why I feel that way: they’re pretentious.  All they contain are some moron’s notion of nostalgia.  They’re collections of random “a-ha! remember this!” recollections.  All puff.  No fact.

So today, I shall set out to empirically define what makes someone a Child of the 80’s, and it’s simple.

If you saw this movie at the theater on its first run:

empire_strikes_back_ver1

And you didn’t see this movie on its first run:

Then

you are

a Child of the 80’s.

If you were born between Empire Strikes Back and Back to the Future, or in the Back-to-Back Time Frame, you might believe you’re a Child of the 80’s because you remember crap on those stupid lists, but believe me, you’re not.

I might give you seeing second run E.T. or first run Return of the Jedi at the theater as a marker, but it’s doubtful you remember it.  I know that I saw The Muppet Movie, and I knew its music courtesy of a record we had as kids, but I don’t recall the experience.  This is why I’m not a Child of the 70’s.

Now just as sure as those born between the original releases of Jaws and Empire Strikes Back (The Jaw Strike Time Frame) are certified 80’s Children,  those born between Back to the Future and Home Alone (The Future Doesn’t Bode Well For Macaulay Culkin Time Frame) are Children of the 90’s.

So what does that make those born in The Back-to-Back Time Frame?

"Children of the PG-13's"

JusWondering… Casting The Home Improvement Movie

Posted on by sgottahurt

Come on.  It’s inevitable.  We’re reaching the bottom of the fish barrel (in which we like to shoot) when it comes to properties from the 80’s (and earlier).  With The A-Team hitting the big screen this summer, there aren’t too many shows left to adapt.

So what about the 90’s?  They happened like ten years ago, right?

I know television has tried several reboots of 90’s shows (namely 90210 and Melrose Place), and a few programs have made the leap to film (The Simpsons, South Park, Strangers With Candy, The X-Files, Sex and the City… you know, all cartoons).  But there are plenty of hits that scream big screen, and today, I’m going to focus on casting one of them:

Home Improvement: The Movie

  • Tim Taylor – Although Tim Allen isn’t doing much else these days (besides directing Crazy on the Outside and voicing Buzz Lightyear in Toy Story 3), this is a reboot of a franchise after all, so who do you go with?  Mr. Reboot incarnate, Chris Pine.

"(Grunt)-(grunt)-(grunt)-(grunt)..." because I don't know how to spell the (grunt).

  • Jill Taylor – If you’ve ever watched Attack of the Show on G4, Ms. Olivia Munn has proven time and time again that she’s one tough cookie, just like Jill Taylor.

"Tim, don't even think about touching the dishwasher. Her name is Consuela."

  • Brad, Randy, and Mark Taylor – Who else but the Jonas Brothers?  If Zack & Cody only had another brother…

It's a Disney production, and so are they.

  • Al Borland – Fresh in my mind courtesy of his performance as a CTU agent in 24, Freddie Prinze, Jr. would make a great sidekick.  Just like he does with Sarah Michelle Gellar Jack Bauer.

"I don't think. Tim."

  • Lisa / Heidi (Tool Time Girl) – Rosie Jones.  Google Image Search her.  You’ll understand.

"Forget everybody else. Do you know what time it is?"

  • Wilson Wilson, Jr. – The notoriously hidden Tiger Woods would be great as the vessel of sagely advice.  Plus, he’d introduce diversity into a show that supposedly took place in Detroit.

"Howdy neighbor... by the way, where's Jill?"

BONUS: Preview for Roland Emmerich’s Full House

JusWondering… When’s The Last Time I Paid For Any Of These Things?

Posted on by sgottahurt

It recently occurred to me that I haven’t paid for a few of these things in awhile:

1) PAPER

What's worse - paper cuts or cut-offs? Discuss.

As an almost life-long writer (though you may not be able to tell by the crappiness that is this site), I’ve needed to print up many an item.  This never happens at home.  Or at Kinko’s.  Or at my ma’s.  I will not state where I do my printing, as not to indict myself.

2) BATTERIES

These, I might buy.

Batteries are required for only a few things in my home – my wireless keyboard and mouse, my remote controls, my thermostat, and my Wiimotes.  I don’t buy batteries.  I switch them around as needed (thermostat gets the highest priority ‘natch, followed by the remote controls).  I will not disclose my power source.

3) BLANK RECORDABLE MEDIA

Hey kids! These are fun to put in microwaves!

This is more of a situation dealing with a change in times.  I used to go through blank CD’s like Mountain Dew, until I got my iPod.  And jump drives and portable external hard drives have eliminated my lust for blank DVD’s.  But still, even when I regularly used them, guess what?  I never bought them.

4) “REDACTED”

How'd I miss this pic?

I mean pictures, of course.  I used to have to “take pictures,” but now I can just take pictures.  Geez.  Don’t judge me just because the internet is full of REDACTED.

JusWondering… Have You Been Naughty Or Nice (Or A Nice Combination of Both)?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Well, well, well.  It’s Christmas Day… or Boxing Day Eve for my Canadian neighbors, Friday for all you Socialist, Baby Jesus-h8ing liberals, or Day Two of my extended weekend.

For all of people celebrating the first item in the above short-list, a question commonly posed by (that pagan) Santa Claus goes, “Have you been naughty or have you been nice?”

For those that have been nice, here’s a naughty Alison Brie singing Santa Baby to Santa, the Ghost of Christmas Presents, and an adult Jesus Cowell (h8rs!):

For those of you that have been good, ol’ fashioned naughty, here’s a Krampus gallery:

And because you’ve been especially bad, here’s a video, too:

JusWondering… Who Would You Pay $75 To Ask One Question?

Posted on by sgottahurt

 

He's so irreverent!

Director Kevin Smith recently announced he was returning to Detroit for one of his Q&A fests, and tickets in “the good seats” are going for $75.  This increases the chance that you can actually A one Q, but is $75 worth it?  On a lucky day, you might be able to get Smith to respond to an inquiry on Twitter, and that’s free.  Besides, would I even have a question that wouldn’t be embarrassing to ask?

My wondering:

Mr. Smith, do you consider yourself a capable director?  Like, could you ever direct a high-minded, genre piece, worthy of an Academy Award nomination?  (SIDENOTE: I threw in the filler word “like” to simulate a Pulitzer Prize nomination worthy question… y’know, to like make it real.)

This got me wondering… who else would I pay $75 to ask a question?

Barack Obama, Steven Spielberg, George W. Bush, George Lucas?

Sure.  Each one of them would get a humdinger of a wringer”, but who would I pay more than $75 to get to the bottom of things?  Probably just one:

 

She's so irreverent...

My one-part quiz:

Ms. Fey, can I write for your show?  Here’s a sample of my ability, and it happened In My Brain While Sleeping…

 

*Here’s the others:

  • President Obama, do you believe in the Prime Directive?  Is that dictating your actions?
  • Mr. Spielberg, just why?  A refrigerator?  An army of monkeys?  Seriously!
  • President Bush, wanna play some Frogger?
  • Mr. Lucas… will there be Episodes VII through IX, as they could save Star Wars?  Otherwise, fuck you.

JusWondering… What Do These Cell Phone Notes Mean?

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s been awhile since I’ve checked out the notes on my old phone (mostly because I’ve since purchased a new phone), but I was going through transcribing the tips and ideas.  I understood most.  These left me clueless:

  1. loren lion
  2. stat based
  3. rhett butler flog
  4. phlattline.com
  5. face movie pix
  6. 2 24th cleo arrest
  7. kangaroo
  8. barely hear my own horn

First off, loren lion. Was this a clever name I feared I would forget?  Was it a particular lion I needed to look into?  Maybe the answer was based in statistics.

Why I put this:

flog

With this guy:

rhettbutler

Might make my brain phlattline.com.

Face movie pix could have been an invention, or a story idea, or a… picture of faces in a movie?

I think the cleo arrest might have something to do with Miss Cleo getting arrested, but I don’t think she was ever incarcerated, 2 times, let alone a 24th time.

Um, yeah… he exists:

Yeah... whattaboutit?

Yeah... so whattaboutit?

And I guess it’s true: I can barely hear my own horn.  I’m glad I made a note of it.

JusWondering… Do I Have A Heart? Surprisingly, Yes

Posted on by sgottahurt

I was at my mom’s house today for some free grub, and she was was watching a rerun of Oprah.  It was a compilation of old segments that wowed and moved her (Oprah, not my ma, as far as I know), and I was regarding it without being wowed and/or moved.  Sure, Criss Angel and David Blaine can be interesting, and Terry Fator and Paul Potts’ stories are inspiring, but otherwise, meh…

Then Faith appeared (this is not the actual show footage, but you’ll get the gist of it):

Instant tears.  Let me say this: there is no amount of free food that makes my sudden outpouring of emotion worth it.  Almost no amount of food (a pepperoni pizza with Cajun crust and double cheese is a good start).

(SIDENOTE: In regard to Opie & Anthony, the third segment of the above video – I didn’t know assholes could walk on two legs.)

On the lighter side of doggy’s overcoming obstacles:

JusWondering… Can Other States Have Michigan Lefts?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Why everyone living in Michigan Left... ha!

Why everyone living in Michigan Left... ha!

 This is a post I’ve been wanting to write since November, but I never found my angle.  My basic issue:

Why do we have Michigan lefts? 

They are my mortal enemy, and I plan routes to avoid their gas- and time-consuming design.  I would have went off on a major diatribe about their history (to eventually piss me off) and reason for existence (to actually piss me off), but then I thought:

What other driving annoyances could be named after other states?

For example, people that make wide turns drive me crazy (pun… ha!), so why not name them after the fattest state in America:

Mississippi Wide Turn

On his way to get Kentucky Fried Chicken?

On his way to get Kentucky Fried Chicken?

Or how about people that never use blinkers, that cut other cars off without noticing them, or that brake when they’re merging?  Florida could best represent them because of the old people and their road wandering ways, but that’s too easy.  That’d be like naming traffic jams after California, or paid turnpikes after New Jersey or Ohio.  Wait!  Where are some of the most erratic drivers in this nation?  Got it:

New York Merging

Just don't tell him what I said

Just don't tell him I said this

Then there’s the opposite end of that spectrum.  People that don’t turn off their turn signal, that slow down or stop in the wrong lane to make a left or pull into a parking lot, or that swerve erratically.  It could be the old people again, or even the young this time, but I’m saving Florida for something else.  Let’s call this style of driving:

California Dreaming

"I have a date with Destiny. And it wasn't cheap!"

"I have a date with Destiny. And it wasn't cheap!"

And here’s one annoyance that needs little introduction:

Florida Tailgaters

I guess it could mean you're partying just as well. Cheers!

I guess it could mean you're partying just as well. Cheers!

My last suggestion might need some back story (side story?), so here ya go… I’ve always dreamed of going to Alaska to experienceeither the summer or winter solstice (or both), or to have a chance to witness the northern lights.  Then someone had to pop their little head up into the social consciousness and make me reconsider everything, hence the:

Alaskan U-Turn

"U-turn me right 'round, baby, right 'round, like a hockey mom..."

"U-turn me right 'round, baby, right 'round, like a hockey mom..."