Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Umbrella Corporation Is For Real

Nothing like a little Regenerate to improve your complexion.

Nothing like a little Regenerate to improve your complexion.

If you’re unaware of the Umbrella Corporation, here’s a sampling of one of their products:

In reality, it’s a youth-restoring product invented for  a movie/video game series involving zombies.  Or is it?

A little Regeneration, I mean, Meaningful Beauty goes a long way.

A little Regeneration, I mean, Meaningful Beauty goes a long way.

If it’s not that shit stuff, then how about this stuff shit?

Why does Justin Bieber have a perfume?

Why does Justin Bieber have a perfume?

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In Defense Of… Justin Bieber

It’s about that time for a new category, and this is one I’ve had an idea about for quite some time.

The premise is simple and it’s this:

Take a hated subject and write a polemic against the againsts.

I won’t argue for it.  I won’t praise it.  I’ll just defend it, hence In Defense Of.

So who better to start with than the one and only teen heart-throb and bane of most h8rs existence, Justin Bieber:

For example, I want to say, "With a fivehead like that I understand the bangs!" but I won't.

In the spirit and honor of this new post, I’ll begin with this:

  • Justin Bieber is nothing new… he’s merely the latest incarnation of a time-honored tradition.
  • Like the world’s oldest profession, the heart-throb is a mainstay.
  • “The Heart-Throb” is a product of the times, not a producer.
  • Much like how this nation elected a philanderer when our morals were at their lowest, an imbecile when we were most scared, and someone completely different when we wanted something completely different, Bieber is an unassuming girly boy in an era when women are seeking out effeminate, metrosexual men, for the most part.
  • Plus, young girls are kinda dumb and prone to clustered thinking… he was basically in the right place at the right time (on YouTube).

Much hullabaloo is also made about his hair.  So… does anyone remember Joey Lawrence?

Whoa!

He started out as a tyke on Nell Carter’s Gimme a Break! but really gained fame using the above catchphrase on Blossom.  Then he took a stab at a music career:

But his heart-throb status faded through the years, and the same will happen to Bieber.  Heck, Bieber has already made his appearance on CSI: Las VegasLawrence appeared on CSI: New York just four years ago!

So the way I look at it is this:

Ignore him.

Maybe even start to like him.

My sisters used to have their walls plastered with New Kids on the Block posters and their room filled with paraphernalia.  By the time Step by Step came out, I stopped fighting with them about their obsession.  I even admitted to start enjoying their music.  The posters didn’t last much longer after that.

To close, I’ve made these diagrams:

Musical Musings… More Liberal Borrowing To Report

My job is getting easier and lazier easier.  Since officially declaring my mission to be the champion of originality, I thought:

To illustrate how musical acts steal, er, liberally borrow from others, is there no better way than for me to liberally borrow previously produced mash-ups to illustrate my point?

This was stumbled upon one night while driving to the bar with friends.  The Alan Parsons Project’s Eye in the Sky came on the radio – somehow – and we noticed a striking similarity to Lady Antebellum’s Need You Now.  Here’s the work of another:

As for this one, I read about it on the TripleDoubleU, but I’d be a very sad panda if I didn’t include any mention of how Justin Bieber’s Love Me liberally borrowed the chorus from The Cardigans’ Lovefool:

Fortunately (for him), my arch-enemy Dr. Luke had nothing to do with either of these songs… Although DJ Frank E (what is it with all these tools and their stupid names) produced Bieber’s tune, and he once worked with Dr. Luke to produce Flo Rida’s highly original Right Round (which also introduced the world to Ke$ha)…  Hmmm…

I'll get you next time, Dr. Luke... Next time!

(Original songs after the jump) Read More

Awful Battle… Discarded Titles For Justin Bieber Movie

There’s a reason I record everything on my DVR – I can’t stand commercials anymore.  Now in some cases, it leads me to discover the existence of new shows, such as Chris Elliott’s Eagleheart:

But in most cases, it reminds me that “Yes Virginia, crap does exist.”  Behold:

Let this be known – I tried so hard to block this film from my mind, but it’s found me, despite my best defenses… of a quick jump button on my DVR remote.

Ugh… there’s something I need to admit to all of you…

…um, how do I say this…

I entered a contest to name Justin Bieber’s movie.  I didn’t win, and I’m afraid I’m taking it out on the finished product.  Obviously, this won:

Here are my entries:

(I got close on this one.)

Awful Battle… Terrible Vampire Names

With everybody bitching about the state of the vampire mythos these days, I’m here to remind you it could be much worse.

“Writer” Stephanie Meyer has taken a lot of slack for Twilight and her inability to create compelling character… names.

Edward Cullen, Alice Cullen, Carlisle Cullen, Esme CullenRenesmee Cullen.  (Source: Wikipedia, of course.)

Here are some worse names than those (if they are not, I tried my best):

Cousin Larry Cullen

Blaine Tristan Cullen

D.B. Cullen

Stifler Cullen

Colin Cullen

Justin Bieber

Happy Find… Bieber Late Than Never

I know this is old in TripleDoubleU terms, but I still have met people who haven’t seen it yet.  So here it is – Justin Bieber’s U Smile slowed down to a speed more suited to his fan base.  I have to admit that it sounds… how can I put this in Bieberese

B U TIF L

This is also an oldie but a goodie.  Click here to watch.  You simply must.

Drunken Recollection… Dream Cast Of X-Men: First Class

Sega had a different idea than me.

With the new (first?) (only?) A-Team movie coming out, we got to talking about the cast over some beers.  We decided this dream cast (not the one above) would have been quite a coup:

The Dream Team

Bruce Willis as Hannibal, Brad Pitt as Face, Jim Carrey as Murdoch, and Michael Clarke Duncan as B.A. Baracus would have been expensive as hell, and I’m not calling the current cast the B-Team (ha!), but these guys would be totally worth it.

So then we started discussing that Matthew Vaughn (the guy that made Kick-Ass independent of any studio) will be helming X-Men: First Class. It should be noted that he was set to be the original director of X-Men 3 (which he hated).  Since our train of thought was already on IRF (Ideal Role Fulfillment), this was the station our one track minds arrived at:

Yes, please.

Michael Rosenbaum could replace Patrick Stewart as a younger Professor X.  Rosenbaum already carries comic credentials under his belt (he plays Lex Luthor on Smallville), so he already has the experience of playing the earlier version of an icon.  Plus, DC owes Marvel someone since Green Lantern took Ryan Reynolds from Deadpool.  Besides, audiences don’t care if Actors! double up on beloved characters (Captain Jean-Luc Picard held his ground as Professor X, Human Torch as Captain America, Han Solo as Indiana Jones, as so on).

It's the hair that won the job.

Replacing Magneto was tough.  I started with Jude Law, another Brit, taking over for Sir Ian McKellen.  But then we tried thinking about perhaps an Actor! of Jewish decent, since Erik Magnus Lehnsherr happened to be, and we could think of none.  So they fought Law, and Law won.

And as for Cyclops / Scott Summers, this thought popped in our head…

Please no.

…and the game ended.