Unofficial Trilogy… Cartoonish Nazi Bashing Edition

I know you’ve seen these, but I implore you to watch them again.

Fun times in not-so-(Nazi?)-fun times

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Raiders of the Lost Ark might be critically regarded as the best of the Indy films, but I was fourteen when Indy went on his supposedly Last Crusade and it’s my favorite.  I’m not a huge movie quote-spouter regularly, but with this film (and Ghostbusters), I can whip out (ha!) more than a few.  And don’t forget Sean Connery!  Plus Hitler signing the Grail Diary!  This film belongs in a museum.

The Rocketeer

One of my all-time favorite episodes of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe was when there was a bad guy so bad that He-Man and Skeletor teamed up to save Eternia.  Aside from the happy heroics and the happier soundtrack, this film does the same – the Rocketeer teams up with mobsters to fight Nazis!  America, fuck yeah!

Inglourious Basterds

This film seemed to be the most fun Brad Pitt had since Snatch (take that whatever way you want).  We get not only exposed to one of the greatest film villains of all-time in Chistoph Waltz’s Colonel Hans Landa, we are treated to an early glimpse of the greatness that is Michael Fassbender/Magneto.  Bonus: Mike Myers isn’t playing Shrek!  We also get one more guest appearance from Hitler himself, but the Inglourious Basterds accomplish what Indy couldn’t, so once again… America, fuck yeah!

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Harrison F—ing Ford

Hrm... does he not have a left hand?

Is he the one-armed man?

Harrison Fucking Ford.  It’s his middle name, really.  (No, not really.  He has none.  He did go by Harrison J. Ford early in his career as not to be confused with the silent film actor of the same name, but I digress.)

Back in the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s, and, um, just 2000, Ol’ Harry was at the top of his game (for the most part).  Not only did he bring us the above two scoundrels with their hearts of gold (each for three movies, since there is no Crystal Skull, just as there are no prequels), he also brought us:

  • a cowboy in a roadster (American Graffiti)
  • a cowboy in a temple (The Frisco Kid)
  • a detective in a strange land – the future (Blade Runner)
  • a detective in a strange land – Amish country (Witness)
  • a doctor chasing after terrorists who kidnapped his wife (Frantic)
  • a doctor chasing a one-armed man who murdered his wife (The Fugitive)
  • a doctor chasing his wife to murder her (What Lies Beneath)
  • a lawyer trying to put his life back together (Presumed Innocent)
  • a lawyer trying to put his life back together (Regarding Henry)
  • a business man with love problems (Working Girl)
  • a business man with love problems (Sabrina)
  • a cop that shares his home (The Devil’s Own)
  • a cop that sells homes (Hollywood Homicide)
  • a politician having a problem before a plane crash (Air Force One)
  • a politician’s aide having a problem after a plane crash (Random Hearts)
  • a father in the jungle (The Mosquito Coast)
  • a pilot in the jungle (Six Days Seven Night)
  • a soldier during the Vietnam War (Apocalypse Now)
  • a soldier during the Cold War (K-19: The Widowmaker)
  • Jack Ryan (Patriot Games)
  • Jack Ryan (Clear and Present Danger)
  • a flop (Firewall)
  • a flop (Crossing Over)

Whew.  That was easy.

Anywookiee, there might be a light at the end of the tunnel.  Despite the missteps in the late 90’s (Sabrina, The Devil’s Own, Six Days Seven Night), he had a good run.  What changed, you might ask.  I might say:

Sixty-five-year-old Harrison Ford met Calista Flockhart, 44, in 2002, when she reportedly spilled wine on him at the Golden Globes. The pair immediately started dating and have been together ever since. (via iVillage)

A-ha!  Calista Fucking Flockhart happened!  So if Harrison Ford wants to get back to creating iconic characters, he needs to say sayonara to Ally McBeal. I know they’re engaged and he co-adopted her adopted son, but it’s never too late to get out of it…

Harry – remember how much divorce costs?  $85,000,000 ring any bells? (Notice the date of this article announcing his break from Melissa Mathison.)  Don’t you see what a mistake K-19: The Widowmaker that ridiculous Russian non-accent leaving the beloved screenwriter of E.T. did to your film career?!  Here’s to hoping you lose those diamond earrings and that “television star,” and you’ll return to save the Star Wars series in Episodes 7, 8, and 9!!!1!  You can even have Han Solo die in 8 and skip 9 if you’d like!  Whatever it takes!  Be daring like Indy used to be!

Stop this from ever happening again:

Drunken Recollection… Shopping At Target As A Morality Play

Seven seasons of septegenerian heaven

Seven seasons of septuagenarian heaven

If there’s anything I’ve learned in this life, it’s two things:

1) Don’t shop while hungry tipsy.

The second one I’ll share at the end.

Basically, I met up with some friends for a couple of drinks after work and opted to stop at Target because I needed a few things.  Those few things needed:

  • Laundry detergent
  • Vitamins and fish oil pills
  • Air conditioner air filters
  • Um… Charmin
  • And some food

On the way into the store, I noticed someone had left their headlights on.  I memorized the license plate and approached the cart guy outside the store.  He told me to head to the customer guest service desk, where this happened:

Me: Excuse me, but someone left their headlights on in the parking lot.
Worker: They’ll probably just turn off themselves.
Me: I don’t think so.  It’s an old green Escort parked in a handicapped spot.
Worker: I’ll get to it when the line is clear.
(I wandered off to look at the sales ad in case the worker wanted more information.)
Random lady (leaving): You were very nice for doing that.
Me: Well thank you.

Me Just Grim...

Me Just Grim...

Feeling victorious and uplifted, I made my way to the toy section first.  No real reason why, other than force of (forcive?) habit… of collecting.  Being in between a series of collectibles to search for, I’ve often eyed the animated Transformers toy line, and upon finally hearing the worker announce the Escort parked in a handicapped spot with its headlights on, I picked up a mini-Grimlock.  No essentials yet.  Just a small child’s toy.

I rounded the corner into the Lego aisle and what did I see?  Brand new Indiana Jones playsets.  Say what you will (and I have) about the last movie, the playsets from Raiders, Temple of Doom, and Last Crusade are pretty sweet, and in my hands in an instant (Ambush in Cairo almost made the cut).

Deflated and defeated, I put back everything but Grimlock and walked over to the electronics section.  Guess what I discovered there?

Every season of Golden Girls for $9 each!

I had a similar impulse a few weeks ago when the first four seasons of Saturday Night Live was on sale for $20 each, but this one I’d follow through.  Several weekends in September are about to be booked up.  Mjusayn.

I eventually gathered up my remaining essentials, plus a ton of food.  (Yay! Hard salami‘s back at Target!  For now…)  I put the bottle of Gain laundry detergent and a bottle of Liquid Plumr (‘cuz you never know) on the bottom of the cart, and a thought crossed my mind:

I wonder if someone will check the bottom of the cart…

At the checkout counter, the clerk brought something to everyone’s attention:

Somebody really must like Golden Girls.

I emptied the basket and pushed it forward to refill it with bagged items.  I noticed I had slipped the Gain and Liquid Plumr past the clerk.  I looked back into the eyes of the people that laughed at my must really liking Golden Girls, and a voice echoed in my head:

You were very nice for doing that.

I removed the two jugs from off the lower tray.  “I almost forgot something.”

After paying, I headed to my vehicle, past where an Escort with a dead battery could have been.  As I filled my trunk with purchases, the cart attendant approached to help.  I said thanks, and he nodded as he took the cart to add it to the returning basket train.


Oh yeah, and the other thing I learned:

2) Don’t assume your friends ordered whatever beer was
on special, because it just might be regularly priced.

InASense, Lost… Zack Morris And I Used To Be Friends… Were To!

I had several idols growing up…

  • From the Detroit Tigers, there were Champ Summers and Lance Parrish
  • From the movies, there were Luke Skywalker and Han Solo Indiana Jones
  • And from TV, there were Alex P. Keaton, Mike Seaver, and Zack Morris

Because of my heroes from the Tigers, I’ve always felt at home in the outfield or behind home plate.  Because of Luke and Indy, I learned to stand up for what’s right, and still do, whether if it’s my friends (and the galaxy far, far away) that are in trouble or if there’s an artifact that belongs in a museum. 

But with TV – that glorious, nuturing glass nipple – I’m not sure if everything’s the same. 

I was a Conservative Republican in my youth because of Marty McFly Alex P. Keaton.  Not only was President Reagan keeping us “safe” from global nuclear disaster, Michael J. Fox’s character on Family Ties knew a thing or two about money… and what kid doesn’t like money?  Since then, I’ve become more of a political moderate, and money is not the end all I thought it once was (I can get candy and toys whenever I want, you see).

Not a mug shot... Although he's in court...

Not a mug shot... Although he's in court...

While I looked up to Mike Seaver, I never got into The Boss or harassed either of my sisters into anorexia like he did.  I’m not sure what I admired him for except for his confidence (and his MILF… and his WILF), but it sure as hell wasn’t his beliefs

When it comes to Zack Morris, it’s a little bit different, though.  We were both in high school at the same time.  He was a likable kid that couldn’t quite get the cool and pretty Kelly Kapowski.  I was going through the same thing in my mind life with a girl I had a crush on. 

But how is he different from Ferris Bueller or Parker Lewis, one might ask?  My response: he was believableZack Morris, even with his time-outs and asides, seemed like a kid you could know, and the credit for that goes to Mark-Paul Gosselaar.  That’s why whenever he gets more chances to move on in his career, I applaud him, like when he was in NYPD Blue or in Raising the Bar, or last night on…

Vodpod videos no longer available.



Never mind.

JusWondering… Wait-And-See Sequels Worth The Wait To See?

A bit ago, IMDb ran this poll:


Grant it the survey was held with tongue planted firmly at the back of the throat (I know they say ‘cheek’ normally, but it is ‘growing’ out of your throat like a plant… this was funnier and not as gross in my head).

Anyjohnhughes, as much as I would love to see Ferris Bueller’s Laid Off, it ain’t gonna happen.  As of now, not any one of those films have a chance – nay, a whisper – of development talk.

These on the other hand, these sequels have been chatted up dearly:

Why not?  We’ve already seen these guys ride a cheetah in the wrong direction, and spoke down with W.  And everybody knows National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation was the best of Chevy Chase’s screen family’s exploits.  Too bad they never made that Swiss Family Griswold that Chevy promised.  Oops… they kinda did.

  • Ghostbusters 3 (maybe to start filming this Christmas) – I am afraid of part 2:

This movie is the childhood dream behind a fourth Indiana Jones movie.  Keep fucking Lucas and Spielberg away (should be easy since they had nothing to do with the first two), and let Lee Eisenberg and Gene Stupnitsky’s script have room to glow.  The duo writes for The Office; The Office can be is funny.  Thank Gozer that Atari (wait… really, Atari?) got the Ecto-1 rolling on making a new video game based on the franchise.  That probably helped accelerate enthusiasm, and something something clever about waking ghosts.

Is Oliver Stone relevant?  The antithesis to the ‘Greed is good’ mantra from the first film certainly is alive and unwell.  And Michael Douglas isn’t doing anything except Catherine Zeta-Jones.  Greed certainly is good for the studios, but this long-not-so-awaited sequel is a little more The Two Jakes, than The Color of Money (neither is much of a compliment).  Wait… Shia LaBeouf is in it?  Are you sure he’s not too busy?

I remember wanting to skip a summer baseball game to see the original.  Would I want to skip a soccer game as an adult to see the sequel?  No.  But I would go see a midnight sneak preview afterwards.  Director Robert Zemeckis – reigning king of creepy CGI work in The Polar Express, Beowulf, and the upcoming A Christmas Carol (third holiday shout out on this post) – wants to include… creepy CGI.  Could be an interesting mash-up of styles, and could make for a neat-o picture.

Some rumored projects that will most likely never see the light of the darkened theater.  Never say never…

Musical Musings… Happy Birthday “Voices That Care!”

Remember this?

Well, actually yesterday was the 18th birthday of the song Voices That Care, and it is quite the time capsule.  Made originally to raise money for the Red Cross during Operation Desert Storm, it has now, well, let’s reflect on the highlights:

  • Gotta love the flag opening.  Reminds me of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Crap.  Unfortunately.
  • Celine Dion was just a baby.  I wonder if her creepy-old-manager/husband-to-be was tapping that yet.  (Also, she has kind of that Amy Grant vibe going.  Much better than the future Vegas chest thumping.)
  • Peter Cetera!  Why isn’t he making music anymore?  Am I the only one that wonders where he went?  (Maybe he’s hanging out with Steve Perry.)
  • See Bobby Brown.  See Bobby Brown sing.  See Bobby Brown not get high and smack a ho.
  • Is that dude in the cowboy hat from Warrant?  Yes.  Yes, he is.
  • Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson’s singing voices mesh perfectly with Luther Vandross.  (Actually, all the sports stars have wonderful pipes.)
  • Who’s singing with Garth BrooksAmy Grant or Celine Dion?  Was hair really that big back then?
  • BONUS: More Warrant!  Nope.  It’s just Nelson.  Why is everyone wearing cowboy hats, yet Garth Brooks did not (a true rarity)?
  • Michael Bolton was pretty good in Office Space, doncha think?
  • Will Smith even got to rap.  That tickles my soul.  Isn’t it weird he got his start “rapping,” but now it seems weird to see him rap?
  • One good thing about the arrival of CGI – no more neon coloring on B&W footage (hopefully).
  • The Chorus.  You gotta love the Chorus.  I can’t even begin to dive into the Chorus.  All I have to say is this: Michelle Pfeiffer AND Jon Lovitz.  No?  Fred Savage AND Meryl Streep?  Not enough?  Gary Busey AND Chevy Chase?  Yes.  That awesome. 
  • Wait was Mike Tyson’s arm around Debbie Gibson?  (She was my first concert – at the Sea World in Orlando.)

In my research, I stumbled on this must-see Where Are They Now video.  Check it out.

Happy Find… “I Can Read Movies”

Okay, it’s official.  As you can see in the Widget bar at the left, I am a Twitterer-er–ee… and my user name is WYSeanIWYG if anyone’s interested (comment me with your below and I’ll “Follow”).

Anywhippersnapper, I’ve already made one cool discovery, courtesy of Actor! Kevin Pollak (whom I’ve always liked before and since The Usual Suspects, probably because he kind of reminds me of one of my uncles).

He recommended the “I Can Read Movies” Series by some artist named Spacesick.  Basically, he conceptualizes each selected film as an iconic, stylized image (kind of like the old Activision game covers), portrayed as an old book cover.

Some examples:

"There can be only one... unless we want to make sequels."

"There can be only one... unless we want to make sequels."

"Hey, Dr. Jones, no time for love. We've got company."

"Hey, Dr. Jones, no time for love. Swinging on vines with monkeys? Eventually."

Soon to be major motion pictures, I'm sure. Then "I Can Read Movies" novelizations. Then video games again.

Soon to be major motion pictures, I'm sure. Then "I Can Read Movies" novelizations. Then video games again.

InASense, Lost… Toys Are Not For Wii Ones

My sister, Tammie, had a good chortle guffaw chuckle when she heard me ask this one time:

Hey Chris, what does it mean when my Wii’s glowing blue?

She lost it, and upon thinking how ridiculous it sounded out of context, others joined her giggles, myself included.  As it turns out, she may slowly be turning into my foil.

Let me further explain.

Last night, one of my friends stopped by with his two sons.  They’re cute enough, nice enough kids, but where my friend made the mistake was to inform his children that I had toys.

What I have are not toys.  They’re collectibles.  Two totally different things.

Upon arriving, and not expecting them to stay long as I had mentioned plans to head to trivia, the boys whipped off their scarves and knit caps and bundled coats and proclaimed, “Where’s the toys?”

I begrudgingly lead the trio back to my DVD room (yes, they have their own room… they kinda require a room when they reach 1200+).  In there, I have Indiana Jones figures, Lego playsets, Transformers, and Matt Trakker of M.A.S.K. re-released as a G.I. Joe, all in their packages.  Of course, the first thing to reached for is Trakker.

“I know how to put this together,” the oldest proclaimed.

“So do I,” was my response as I put it back.

On one of the cabinets, I have some open figures on display which include mini Ninja Turtles, mini Transformers, a mini Grimlock cartoon figure that does not move, and both versions of Bumblebee from the Michael Bay movie.

They moved onto these collectibles, and within minutes, Grimlock was in pieces (I don’t think he’s supposed to come that much apart, if even at all), the rubberbands holding the weapons in the Turtles’ hands were snapped, and the ’77 Camaro Bumblebee was being stabbed by his own laser sword.

I have learned patience through all the years of working with computers, but when it comes to children—

My friend kept talking to me and I kept thinking, doesn’t he see what they’re doing?  The youngest had to go #2 and took Raphael with him.  Raphael!  RAPHAEL?!

When they were finally getting packed up to ship out, I told my friend he could visit with them again in about 10 years.

Now back to Tammie.  As I recounted the situation to her, she just laughed at me again.  The definition of a foil according to

One that by contrast underscores or enhances the distinctive characteristics of another: “I am resolved my husband shall not be a rival, but a foil to me” (Charlotte Brontë).

She said, “You do realize you’re complaining about children playing with your toys.”

I still can’t find Grimlock’s lower jaw.