InASense Lost | monkeyBLOG monkeyDO

InASense, Lost… Baby Stripper Shoes?

Posted on July 13, 2009 by sgottahurt

File this one under, “Are You Fucking Kidding Me?” This picture pretty much says it all (if you didn’t believe this post’s title):

Glass bottomed heels are optional.

So okay, high heels aren’t specifically “stripper shoes,” but they definitely are in poor taste and bad judgment when you put them on an infant. It’s as bad as putting writing on the back of actual baby shorts and sweatpants. Moms – little girls aren’t your living dolls, accessories, or Chihuahuas… they’re new people. New human beings. Full of life and potential. I’m not saying it’s a sure path to coke-whoring despair, but there are better options.

See how these moms react:

I could go on and on about how this idea may be the worst thing since:

Only a Dad would buy this shirt

But my explanations would sway no one and only come across as redundant to your reactions.

That’s why should I happen to have a daughter of my own, I’m going to raise her to trust no one. I’ll encourage her to be a little reporter and investigator, and she’ll come home and tell me all the things she’s uncovered. We’ll create journals and files and collect news clippings. That way my daughter will be a little more Veronica Mars than Gossip Girl.

Or super seriously paranoid.

Maybe I shouldn’t be a parent…

InASense, Lost… Super Inappropriate Squirt Guns And Bonus Grossness

Posted on July 5, 2009 by sgottahurt

In the spirit of all things summer-y, I thought I’d whip out this classic gem of a toy (maybe I shouldn’t have said whip out). Despite it pissing your parents off for creating quite a mess, the Oozinator may be the worst thing aimed at kids ever (maybe I shouldn’t have said aimed at kids). Even the acting is highly inappropriate. Things to take note of in this commercial (and quickly forget): the way the gun has to be charged and the reaction shots to getting blasted.

Okay, so maybe the Oozinator’s not the absolute worst in product design:

batmansquirtgunsmallqt1

BONUS GROSSNESS!

There are two words that I cannot hear without instantly being grossed out: cyst and polyp. Add this video to the mix. Believe you me, I’d rather watch 100 clips of girls and guys and single cups and broken bottles and egg chutes (well maybe not), than the entirety of the following footage ever again.

InASense, Lost… Commercials For Quote-Unquote Religions

Posted on June 26, 2009 by sgottahurt

I remember being a lad of about 29 years old, and I finally gathered the nerve to ask my mom, “Where do babies come from?”

I often think back to my childhood, and remember Saturday mornings as a kid. Rolling out of bed from underneath my taped together Garbage Pail Kid posters. Grabbing a box of Cocoa Krispies and the biggest bowl I could handle. Turning on the TV without a remote control because we had none. Zoning out to crappy yet awesome cartoons and the commercials that sold me on Transformers and Star Wars and Centurions and M.A.S.K. with little to no effort. Then there would come along one of these ads:

Granted, it’s not one of the most heartwarming, but very often, they’d catch me by surprise and effect me on a personal level. Gee, maybe I should help my neighbor shovel the snow instead of throwing snowballs at them from my fort, I might consider. What I didn’t realize at the time was that it was a COMMERCIAL FOR A RELIGION! If I wasn’t born and raised Roaming Recovering Roman Catholic, seeing Jesus H. Christ’s name up there might have been a red alert, but I was, so it didn’t. (Also, I wasn’t raised in a way that told me we were the only ones that were right, so at least I had that going for me.)

So now this little vid is making it’s way around the web. I recieved it via a link in an email from frequent idea spurner Dave, and I watched it in similar wonder to the old LSD, er, I mean LDS commercials. It was beautiful, and in fact made me happy to be alive. Damn YouTube and their header captions:

I guess what I’m saying is it’s much more effective than this old thang:

In other words, how can so many inches of Tom Cruise can be wrong? (My guess: 60 of his 67…)

InASense, Lost… Pillows Reach New Lows

Posted on June 18, 2009 by sgottahurt

Um…

That’s all I could say after bearing witness to this product:

Gotta hand it to the inventor. Ha!

The Hug Me Pillow may be a sad find that sort of destroys my insides. But this may be sadder:

I kneed this. Ha again!

What has happened to the people that purchase these items? Some ideas:

They’re so used to being with somebody, and they’re currently going through a rough patch.
They’re so lonely that anything will do.
They can’t find anybody because their fond of sleeping with these kinds of pillows. So win-win.
They’re… um…

We need to introduce these two. But they can't sleep at the same time (competing styles, you see). They'd be like Ladyhawke!

I guess there could be worse pillows out there…

Oh, there's still worse...

InASense, Lost… Furries (The If’s, And’s, & Yiff’s)

Posted on May 31, 2009 by sgottahurt

(UPDATE: Check out pic at the end.)

When I begin to investigate the nature of something which I do not initially understand, I take a deep breath, and prepare myself for the unexpected. As is the case with the concept of furries, I took a deeper breath, and held onto it for dear life. Who knew what I’d find.

To begin, allow me to share what prompted this study (via AOTS):

Whenever someone goes to painstaking lengths (I say painstaking because I’m lazy, you see) to create, um, a recreation of this calibre for no real reason, my curiosity is peaked. Why would anybody make their own version of Dick in a Box for one? For two – why as anthropomorphic animals?

Immediately, I went to the best source of all truth and accuracy on the web – Mr. Wikipedia himself. And right off the bat, I was amazed to discover what I understood about furries was completely off. I’ll get to that in a second.

My opinions had changed because my perception had been changed:

Originally, I had believed that all furries were sexual in nature and creepy in general, and my reaction to the above videos was not cast in a favorable light. But according to Ms. Wikipedia (I changed my mind about the site’s gender as well, because she’s always right), I learned this:

Many members of the furry community feel that the overly sexual component gives the rest of them a bad name, and may use the derogatory term “furvert” to describe such people…

The term “yiff” is most commonly used to indicate sexual activity or sexual material within the fandom—this applies to sexual activity and interaction within the subculture whether online (in the form of cybersex) or offline…

Most furry fans claim that these media portrayals are misconceptions, while the recent coverage focuses on debunking myths and stereotypes that have come to be associated with the furry fandom…

So as it turns out, those videos aren’t sexual in nature. They’re just creepy in general.

(I’m kidding, of course, because who am I to judge. Do you realize how difficult it is to type with paws?)

He should have been an Ewok.

InASense, Lost… Macrophilia (Yep, It’s Sexual)

Posted on May 11, 2009 by sgottahurt

Will wonders never cease? As in, “I wonder how this fetish developed?”

Allow me to introduce MACROPHILIA to your lexicon. It’s not what you think. Or it’s exactly what you think. Anything philia usually has to deal with makin’ whoopie (sorry, now that I have cable, I’ve skimmed past an episode of the Newlywed Game, hosted by Carnie Wilson for some reason). And macro means big, so volia!

Weird, right?

Apparently, there’s a portion of men that get excited at the prospect of being stepped on by a giant woman. Want more proof, check out this kind of NSFW site. It’s partially about dominance, partially about foot fetishism, and partially about voreaphilia (geez!), but it’s totally… odd.

As for where the fetish originated in older gents?

Oooweee! I wish she'd step on me!

And for future generations?

Oooweee! I hope only 'she' steps on me!

(via Atom)

InASense, Lost… Herpes On The Rise Due To Game?

Posted on March 15, 2009 by sgottahurt

I don’t want to be naive , but apparently cold sores – not better known as lip herpes, and definitely not known as liperpes (though it should be) – is spreading like wild fire amongst college students. The culprit blamed for the spreading: beer pong.

From Asylum:

But beer pong could be nearly as dangerous as unprotected sex in terms of spreading diseases, according to a recent article in the University of Massachusetts’ student newspaper — which links the rise of herpes on campus to the popularity of beer pong. Because the game involves multiple people drinking from the same cups, the herpes virus — which can be transmitted via saliva — can be spread to everyone who is playing through the course of a game. The virus is up 230 percent since 2007 in people between ages 17 and 21.

And here I foolishly thought it was because college students are generally sluts (and I’m talking about both genders when I say that).

This got me thinking about what other STD’s might not be ST’d (sexually transmitted), and in fact may be BP’d (beer ponged).

Gonorrhea – From clapping near someone else who is clapping. This is why it’s also known as the Clap.
Chlamydia– From getting sodas out dispensers outside of Walmart stores.
Genital Warts – From playing with toads before using the restroom. The same applies to Crabs. Not to be confused with Gentile Warts, common amongst Christians.
Syphilis – Was created by Alexander Fleming in order to sell his new discovery, penicillin. Transmitted via playing catch with Frisbees, and sometimes Nerf Boomerangs.

A pubic public service announcement from the 80’s:

InASense, Lost… No To Boobs, But Blood’s Okay?

Posted on February 28, 2009 by sgottahurt

This is a post I’ve been meaning to write for awhile. When I recently went to the theater to see the wretched Friday the 13th remake/revision/re-fried beans, there was a father behind me with his 8-10 year old son. I had a major ass-id flashback when I overheard him telling his son, “Cover your eyes!” whenever nudity was shown.

“Cover your eyes!” The adage of the forbidden. The phrase my parents often demanded of me when renting schlocky horror and fantasy films (they were my dad’s favorite VHS tapes to rent) whenever there was any hint of an upcoming boobs, butts, or both.

In fact, at the showing of F13, there were a fair amount of kids. My favorite was a dumpy looking mother with her dumpy looking tween son that was wearing a Girls Gone Wild t-shirt.

What bothers me is that these parents don’t even stop to consider what these films do to their kids’ brains (if they have any, for that matter – the big dopes or their offspring).

At least the father behind me was sorta censoring his spawn’s input.

As an example of the warping that can occur, let me bring up a few things that warped my mind in the original series:

1) It made me scared of NYC. I haven’t been sure of the origin of my fear. This intro makes it look not-so-inviting:

2) It made me scared of loud random noises. In the middle of the night one time, I kept hearing this scary uggh type noise. I thought the devil was speaking through my TV or something. Ended up being a spider in the fire alarm, but whew! I flipped the fuck out. Now listen to the crap noise they call “music” that plays through the opening of Jason Goes to Hell: The Final (hah!) Friday:

3) It made me scared of getting naked, et. al. People die, folks. People die! That’s why I shower in my bathing suit. Just in case.

InASense, Lost… What Is It With Kids These Days

Posted on February 14, 2009 by sgottahurt

When I was just a wee lad back in the day (I’m prepping for St. Paddy’s), it was awful fun for the adults give kids a sip of beer and watch their reactions. I’m the oldest boy of all the cousins on my father’s side, and for quite awhile I was the only boy (my brother broke the streak when I was nine… there were nine girls and me… ever notice how the more girls there are, the higher the octave of screeching goes?)

What I’m getting at is it wasn’t uncommon for my elders to make me the butt of the joke. Some might have thought it would encourage drinking, but I never took a sip of alcohol (not counting my relatives’ pranks) until I turned 19 and could legally do so in Canada. My other tendencies in alluded-to innocence: I was more interested in Nintendo than IN-tendo (if you catch my innuendo), smoking was a disgusting habit my parents had and I swore I would never have, and drugs… well, I’d stick only to any of the natural kind.

But nowadays, you have 13 year olds becoming fathers…

…parents pulling new tricks on their kids for laughs (and filming it and putting it on YouTube… “Thanks Dad… what are you, like, thirteen, or something?”)…

…or teaching their kids to be pretty good at smoking.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “Everybody Freak Out About This Toddle…“, posted with vodpod

I guess you could always over indulge your child and baby them so they can become insulated and protected from the rest of the world (read: spoiled), that they never have to deal with R|E|A|L|I|T|Y. Heaven forbid someone take their Cloudsong…

InASense, Lost… The Third Film Of A Series, Then In 3-D!

Posted on February 7, 2009 by sgottahurt

I’m on a bit of a Friday the 13th bender, and I’m happy to say that the third film in the series was originally in 3-D. Which in the olden days meant random objects were held up and pointed at you… Eeeeeek! Scary!

( Man, how I already miss Don LaFontaine.)

In this film, aside from the opening credits, I was “shocked” to have the following things aimed/thrown/extended at me:

a laundry line
a TV antenna
a rat walking out on a plank
a fake looking snake leaping
a baseball bat held back by a child
a joint
a wrapped-up eyeball
a bundle of hay
a wallet
a chain through a windshield
a fist threw a car window
a yo-yo
a girl climbing a ladder
a pitchfork (its handle)
a pitchfork (its… forks)
a double dose of different pitchfork handles
a machete blade, walking by
juggling apples and oranges
a harpoon shot… (also the first time Jason wears his hockey mask)
popping popcorn
a hot fire poker
an eyeball popping out of a squeezed head (SRSLY)
a bookshelf full of books
a girl (our hero) dropping from rafters
then Jason dropping as well
finally, Jason’s chasin’ hands (<–good band name, btw)

With the reinvigorated hoopla about 3-D films, I can’t wait to see what will be thrust at me next!

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