In My Brain While Sleeping

In My Brain While Sleeping… Fred Armisen Gives Good Lessons

Posted on by sgottahurt

From the first time I saw Fred Armisen on Saturday Night Live, I knew he was going somewhere.  Between his times spent as topical comedian Nicholas Fehn (this is not from SNL):

As Venezuelan comedian Fericito:

And as Jasper the Parrot (transcript here), he stood out amongst the rest as somebody to watch.

Couple those initial appearances with his bit part in the underrated Eurotrip:

And I became a certified fan.

Now I’m in absolute love with his latest project, Portlandia, so it makes complete sense that I would have a dream about that show.

Essentially, he was portraying this feminist book store owner:

And she was giving a class on how to get comfortable saying the p-word.  You know, the word some women view as vulgar, but is considerably less awful than the c-word.  Okay, that still seems open to interpretation, because it could be prick and cock… I’m talking about pussy, people.  The word pussy.  Sorry I got a little cunty there.

Anyoregon, the class was a three-step process.

STEP 1

Say the word, pussy cat.  Imagine your little Nibs, or Mittens, or Bootsy, nuzzling in your lap.  Imagine your little pussy cat.

STEP 2

Now say the word, pussyfoot.  Imagine your little pussy cat pussyfooting around your tiny apartment.

STEP 3

Now imagine that in the corner of your small apartment there’s a pussy willow plant.  And your pussy cat’s highly allergic to it, but you forgot to put the allergy medication in the tuna fish breakfast you made.  And you tell your pussy cat to stop pussyfooting around your pussy willow.  Your pussy cat doesn’t listen because your words had no power behind them, and pussy cat dies.  If you can’t say pussy, how will you save Bootsy?

THE END

(I’m here all year!)

In My Brain While Sleeping… My Dreams Double-Cross Me Yet Again

Posted on by sgottahurt

There wasn’t much to this dream, but I woke up thinking it was kinda funny.  Since you may be used to the usual unfunny that I provide, the best I can do is present the bait-and-switch my own mind pulled.

It involved a certain one of these…

What? Mom jeans?

…and a strange and untimely inking incident.

Check it out after the jump. Read More

In My Brain While Sleeping… PokéBowling!

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is my second favorite idea that came to me in a dream of all time!  (Most favorite is here.)

This one is for PokéBowling!

 

I spent more time trying to make this than I planned.

 

Basically, the game is a Nintendo Wii game that takes the best of the bowling portion in Wii Sports and mixes it with Pokémon characters.

Pika-turkey!

Each character would have its own attributes, like Pikachu’s electric split or Squirtle’s ten pin blast.  And maybe the pins would be made of different elements, so you’d have to choose which creature would work the best against them.  Who knows?

All I know is this:

  1. It was a fun game.
  2. This is proof that I thought of it, and if Nintendo ever releases something like it, hopefully this post holds up in court.

In My Brain While Sleeping… You Never Wanna Dream This Feeling

Posted on by sgottahurt

Welcome to the nightmare.

I don’t know if our time was up.  If it was the end days, it was the last day.  Our destroyer had arrived, and whether it was giants, transparent entities, The Big Guy (or Gal), or aliens, the method of our demise was tantamount to pulling our plugs.

No really.  It was as if our plugs were pulled out.  Specifically, our spines.

For me, it wasn’t a smooth transition from the here to the next.

As we waited like Chicken McNuggets in a 50 piece box for our turn, we remained silent, contemplative, reliving every moment of our lives.  I was the only one that seemed to be panicky.  When I was lifted up for the extraction, I was wiggling.  The overlord grabbed my tailbone, and yanked.  It felt like a giant tooth being pulled out of your ass and a plank-sized splinter from your mind.

I was a piled mess.  But I was still aware.

As I looked around at the other human globules, I realized they no longer contained life.

I couldn’t scream.  I couldn’t even make a peep.  How was I going to get their attention to inform them that I wasn’t destroyed?

They knew, though.  And quickly I was lifted back up.  My spine was shoved back into my body, and like a plumbing snake, it was fished about and yanked once again.  With this, I woke up.

Now how is this a post about pop culture?  Here are some pop culture representations of how I felt:

Mojo from the X-Men

Chet from Weird Science

Mr. Bill after an accidentMr. Potato Head in Toy Story 3

Paul "Shitbreak" Finch in American Pie



Harry Dunne in Dumb and Dumber (and CNN broadcast)

Pizza the Hutt in Space Balls

Melting guy in Street Trash

Chicken McNuggets

(SIDENOTE: I highly recommend not ever having this dream.)

INGREDIENTS: Kielbasa bought at 1am outside of a train station in Prague.  (First Czech Republic trip shout out!)

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Reason Why Disney Bought Marvel Comics

Posted on by sgottahurt

I don’t know why I ever feel compelled to proclaim how strange a dream is when I’m revealing it either way.

One handed drum roll please:

It became apparently clear to me in My Brain While Sleeping why The Walt Disney Company gobbled up Marvel Comics (aside from the fact they wanted another marketing outlet comparable to Time Warner’s hold on DC Comics, as well as supplying the much-needed financial backing a major corporation could give the flailing superhero imprint… whew).

The entire reason could be summed up in this crappily made picture:

(Not So) Artistic Representation

You see, upon leaving Disney/ABC’s Home Improvement, best child star Jonathan Taylor Thomas left to star in the unreleased film, Machine Boy.  Realizing a bit too late into production that they had an Iron Man ripoff on their hands (and a clunker to boot – puns intended), Disney shelved the movie fearing lawsuits of copyright infringement.  But worry no more!  As soon as they could, the little old lady that swallowed the (Mickey) mouse swallowed the spider (man), and you heard it here first:

WALT DISNEY and MARVEL COMICS proudly present

MACHINE BOY

JUNE 2011

In My Brain While Sleeping… Austin Powers In Maybe Say Maybe Again

Posted on by sgottahurt

This was one of those dreams that occurred between snoozes, so adjustments developed that expanded on the concept that follows.  I contemplated not posting this on the site because I like the idea quite a bit, but then I realized – I’m not a Hollywood insider, and I’d have no way to get this into the proper hands (if it was even in script form).

Anysphinctersayswhat, here’s the premise to what began as simply Austin Powers 4: Agent Origin, and evolved into… well, here’s the poster:

(Not So) Artistic Representation

Following the events of Goldmember, upon discovering that Austin Powers and Dr. Evil were brothers, the pair hop into the time machine to explore where everything went wrong between them.  This leads them to the post-World Wars 40’s.

Of course, Justin Timberlake would play the younger version of Michael Caine’s Nigel Powers, and they’d uncover the origin of Austin’s “Mojo.”

They quickly learn that it was the freshly evil Scott Evil (Seth Green) that raised Dr. Evil to be evil.  He left the present time as soon as they did to unleash his ultimate evil plan of pitting the brothers against each other.

So as they seek to change the past, they find themselves time travelling to the 50’s (where Scott picks up his new sidekick, the super dog and Russian ex-patriot, Laika), and eventually the 80’s to when Scott was born.

Of course everything works well, but the specifics… well, I didn’t dream those, and until Hollywood comes calling, I ain’t saying.  Maybe.

In My Brain While Sleeping… New Reality Show

Posted on by sgottahurt

I think I watch too much TV. I know I watch too much TV.  So this means I dream a lot about TV.  As for improvised drug use… not so much.  But that doesn’t mean any such acts are off-limits in the subconscious.

(SIDENOTE: What unfortunately seems to be off-limits is anything above a PG-13 rating.)

So anyVH1, I recently had a dream involving these three reality stars:

Kourtney Kardashian - Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi - Audrina Patridge

And we were just hanging out at a night club doing whip-its (not to be confused with whipping hair).  That’s it.  Nothing provocative.  I’m just using this to illustrate my boob tube influenced brain.

Which brings me to the actual point of this post… I can’t believe there isn’t a reality show called The Dog Walkers.

In one of my dreams, the show existed, and it took place in different cities, like The Real Housewives, or MLB games.  But whereas this as a show might get boring:

How many are named Sparky?

This never will:

"Hold it 'til we get home. I forgot to bring bags!"

One more for prosperity:

It's because he can't see, you see.

In My Brain While Sleeping… A Surprise Impersonator

Posted on by sgottahurt

If one day I break down to the point of requiring psychiatric help, please direct my caretakers to these blog posts about my weird dreams.  I’m sure the answers to curing my mind can be found somewhere here.

What clues this might provide, I don’t know, but I was boarding a plane and there was a big kerfuffle about someone on board.  The rumor had it was a celebrity, but the facts were unclear.

As I made my way to my seat, I was greeted by this:

(Fairly) Artistic Representation

As it turned out, I was seated next to the celebrity – the world’s best Billy Joel impersonator, Guinea Joel.

It seems like a punderferul stretch for my subconscious when this would have been so much easier:

Billy Goat

In My Brain While Sleeping… Daniel Tosh’s New Show

Posted on by sgottahurt

Daniel Tosh, host/star(?) of Tosh.0, made an unexpected appearance in one of my alcohol-induced dreams.

And there wasn’t just one of him, but a plethora.

Basically, Tosh was starring(?) in another “Comedy” Central show called Candy Games.

He played all these weird characters that live in a candy machine that happens to be an apartment building.  So either it was a very large dispenser of massive sugar concoctions, or the inhabitants were teeny tiny.

The plot circled mostly around his real-life self and his live-in girlfriend named Candy.  You see, they were engaged, but should wouldn’t put out until they were married, hence Candy Games, I guess.

And of course, there was a wacky neighbor that dressed in a bunch of strange costumes all the time.

Don’t ask me to explain it… even though it occurred in my subconscious.

Starring Daniel Tosh, Daniel Tosh, and Daniel Tosh (Not starring Tyler Perry, Martin Lawrence, nor Eddie Murphy)

Is it possible this dream stemmed from seeing this malfunctioning sign on the way home from soccer?

(Not at all likely.)

In My Brain While Sleeping… Belligerent Smurfs

Posted on by sgottahurt

Wino Smurf, er, Champagno Smurf?

This one’s a quick one.  My friends and I were at a concert.  We were drinking a craaaazy amount.  Oh.  And we were all Smurfs.  We were in cartoon form, but we existed in the real world, à la Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Or the upcoming Smurfs movie.  But cel animated.  Not CGI*.  Thank you.

Barfly Smurf

*yes, you better Smurfing believe this is happening…

(SIDENOTE: But then again, CGI could look like cel animation.  Take a gander at this Roger Rabbit 2 screen test.  He’s 100% computer generated.)