JusWondering… Sequels With Lady Problems

I’ve noticed a trend in sequels to popular films, and it’s one that I consider an exercise in lazy screenwriting.  Heh… exercise… lazy

Anywheredidshego, where did she go?  To me, the writers couldn’t develop the characters’ relationships further, so they broke them in order to fix them again, to varying degrees of suck-cess.

  • Bill Murray seemed to be with Sigourney Weaver at the end of Ghostbusters, and then she (well, her character Dana) went and had a baby with someone else.
  • Sure, Bruce Willis and Bonnie Bedelia wouldn’t have won couple of the year in Die Hard, but by Die Harder, they seemed to have worked out all their kinks.  In Die Hard with a Vengeance, the kinks won.
  • Orlando and Kiera’s love Bloom-ed, um, Knightley in the first Pirates of the Caribbean.  In the second, they didn’t get married and fought only to draw out a boring plot point for two films.
  • Nick Cage found whatever it was he found in the first National Treasure; Diane Kruger was his booby prize.  Then repeat the above, but place a “2” before the semicolon.
  • The Night at the Museum sequel doesn’t even begin to explain what happened between Carla Gugino and Ben Stiller, just so they could get to (hot?) Amelia Earhart’s doppelgänger, Amy Adams. What is this movie really… Mannequin 3: Skies the Limit?

Actually, I’m going to carry on with my Night at the Museum tirade.  It’s not like he’s Austin Powers or James Bond, picking up new ladies every flick…

Actually again, James Bond has loved Vesper Lynd for two movies so far.  One can imagine that every woman he bangs from here on out would be in an attempt to mask his pain of loving her too much.  He probably would still be with her if she didn’t, you know, die.

So in closing, writers do yourself a favor and imitate the always excellent Transformers series – instead of blowing the relationship up, blow shit up!

This scene could be from either movie.

JusWondering… Wait-And-See Sequels Worth The Wait To See?

A bit ago, IMDb ran this poll:

imdbpoll

Grant it the survey was held with tongue planted firmly at the back of the throat (I know they say ‘cheek’ normally, but it is ‘growing’ out of your throat like a plant… this was funnier and not as gross in my head).

Anyjohnhughes, as much as I would love to see Ferris Bueller’s Laid Off, it ain’t gonna happen.  As of now, not any one of those films have a chance – nay, a whisper – of development talk.

These on the other hand, these sequels have been chatted up dearly:

Why not?  We’ve already seen these guys ride a cheetah in the wrong direction, and spoke down with W.  And everybody knows National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation was the best of Chevy Chase’s screen family’s exploits.  Too bad they never made that Swiss Family Griswold that Chevy promised.  Oops… they kinda did.

  • Ghostbusters 3 (maybe to start filming this Christmas) – I am afraid of part 2:

This movie is the childhood dream behind a fourth Indiana Jones movie.  Keep fucking Lucas and Spielberg away (should be easy since they had nothing to do with the first two), and let Lee Eisenberg and Gene Stupnitsky’s script have room to glow.  The duo writes for The Office; The Office can be is funny.  Thank Gozer that Atari (wait… really, Atari?) got the Ecto-1 rolling on making a new video game based on the franchise.  That probably helped accelerate enthusiasm, and something something clever about waking ghosts.

Is Oliver Stone relevant?  The antithesis to the ‘Greed is good’ mantra from the first film certainly is alive and unwell.  And Michael Douglas isn’t doing anything except Catherine Zeta-Jones.  Greed certainly is good for the studios, but this long-not-so-awaited sequel is a little more The Two Jakes, than The Color of Money (neither is much of a compliment).  Wait… Shia LaBeouf is in it?  Are you sure he’s not too busy?

I remember wanting to skip a summer baseball game to see the original.  Would I want to skip a soccer game as an adult to see the sequel?  No.  But I would go see a midnight sneak preview afterwards.  Director Robert Zemeckis – reigning king of creepy CGI work in The Polar Express, Beowulf, and the upcoming A Christmas Carol (third holiday shout out on this post) – wants to include… creepy CGI.  Could be an interesting mash-up of styles, and could make for a neat-o picture.

Some rumored projects that will most likely never see the light of the darkened theater.  Never say never…

I’m Like Scooby Doo When It Comes To G-G-G-G-Ghosts!

Anyone that knows me knows I’m a wuss when it comes to ghosts.  Simply the inkling of the thought of the possibility puts me in tears (I said I’m a wuss).  Not every story can get to me.  Well, most can.  And let’s just say it’d be a bad idea for me to watch Ghost Hunters all alone.

So imagine the water that welled up in my eyes when I saw this pic in AOL News:

I really, really, really, really hate this photo.

I really, really, really, really hate this photo.

My eyes were swimming again even as I posted it.

Quick break.  My three greatest fears are as follows:

  1. Ghosts
  2. Candiru
  3. Commitment

Anywhoyagonnacall, according to AOL News:

Experts on the paranormal are scratching their heads over this image, showing an odd figure apparently wearing period clothes and peering from a window in a Scottish castle. The shot was taken by a tourist in May of last year and made public Friday by scholar Richard Wiseman, who received it when he invited people from around the world to send him their photos of ghosts.  (Photo by Christopher Aitchison)

Ugh… Story time.

When The Sixth Sense originally came out, I returned to my apartment late at night.  As I made the way toward my room, I started getting chills up my spine, which according to the movie meant there was a spectral presence.  I darted through the remainder of the living room, while the chills intensified, and dove into the tent in which I slept (#8 on Fact Sheet).  It did not help matters that there was the ghost in a tent in the movie.  (Fuck you, young Mischa Barton!)

Then there was the time at my uncle’s house, where we were all recounting ghost stories, and he popped up in their kitchen window wearing a mask… I dove so fast I broke their dining room chair.

Think happy thoughts… think happy thoughts…

I don't know if this is funny or scary in a different way...

I don't know if this is funny or scary in a different way...

Drunken Recollection… When Someone Offers You A Free Piano, You Take It!

I was watching the first episode of “How I Met Your Mother” and there’s a scene where Robin (Cobie Smulders) quotes (what they consider) an obscure line from “Ghostbusters.”

The line, courtesy of Winston Zeddemore (Ernie Hudson):

Ray, when someone asks you if you’re a god, you say “YES”!

For whatever reason, it caused a flash in my brain pan of a conversation I had with my cousin Steve last night.  He was telling me about a Craigslist entry he read.  In it, someone was giving away an upright piano for free.  The catch: you had to come pick it up.  I asked why he hadn’t contacted the sellergiver-awayer and he said he had no place to put it, being stuck (for the mean time) back at home.  My response:

Steve, when someone offers you a free piano, you take it!

It could have waited in the garage.  It didn’t need to even be playable.  He has an old NBA Jam coin-op arcade system in the living room.  The upright piano could go right next to that.

In other words... jam band.

They go together like pianos and coin-op.

And this is one situation where I practice what I preach.  When I had the chance to get a free microfiche machine, I took it!

microfiche

Just in case a dying man hands me microfilm and tells me, "Don't let them find this," I can see what "this" is.

In My Brain While Waking Up… Sweet Jehovah! A Demon Dog Is In My Hallway!

I’m not sure exactly why I do this, but I think it had something to do with me staying up too late and not waking up for work to get money so I could stay out too late or something, but I keep my alarm clock in the bathroom.

Now the only reason I’m mentioning this is because this morning, on my stumbling walk from my bedroom to the bathroom to hit snooze (as per my snooze addiction – the only reason I set my alarm for a Saturday morning), my t-shirt scared the piss out of me.

As I bumped the doorway at an angle I usually don’t (I often bump walls and doorways because I don’t open my eyes much), I spotted the corner of my black tee from last night in the hallway and thought it was a Demon Dog from Ghostbusters.  Woke me up instantly.

37am between snoozes - yes.

At 9:37am between snoozes - yes.

Although it actually got my heart racing, I still hit the snooze bar on my alarm clock and laid back down, making sure to change the location and placement of the image-inducing cotton product.

What finally fully awakened me was my doorbell.  And the door knocking.  And the doorbell again.  Oh yeah, there it is – interior door knocking now.

It must have snowed last night, was my first thought, and the incessant attention seeking noise was my neighbor kid wanting to shovel the walk, because sure-as-shit, the area Jehovah’s just ain’t that persistent.  They politely knock, stick a pamphlet in the door handle, and move along, proselytizing.  And if it was anyone I knew, they would have called in tandem with the racket, and my cellular remained silent.  I checked out the window, and yup – two inches of snow on the ground.

Sure I could shovel it, I thought.  But it’s going to melt anyway.

Bonus Saturday morning cartoon:

Extra bonus weekday syndicated cartoon:

(via Worst Cartoons Ever)

Uncle Sean’s Story Time… Neither Optimal, Nor Primal

Gather ’round, gather ’round, kiddies… it’s time for another one of Uncle Sean’s drunk stories… this one is about a Halloween party where I learned a hard life lesson…

I consider myself a cardboard specialist.  Sort of a masterboarder, if you will.  Two examples:

I helped them forge Duck-Duck-Goose

Get it? Duck-Duck-Goose! Ah, go duck yourself.

I ain't afraid of no... OMG! Is that orb a ghost?!

I ain't afraid of no--OMG! Is that orb a ghost?!

Your Aunt Tammie and Uncle Will wanted something simple, cheap, and quick a few Halloween’s back.  She came up with the concept; I came up with the design.

A Halloween or two prior to that, I studied my “Ghostbusters” accessories, and mocked up a poor man’s version (a.k.a. child’s version) of their Proton Pack to go along with my tan jumpsuit and patches.

My talent first revealed itself to me a Halloween or two prior to that one.  (There was one party in the middle where I grew out my beard and hair and went as Tom Hanks in “Cast Away.”  I was going to follow-up as Robert Duvall in “THX 1138” the next year by shaving my head, but I went on vacation instead.  As if you cared.)

The event that birthed my boardery occurred at a private gathering in the basement of a hall.  Upstairs, a wedding reception was held, and upon walking through the front doors of the hall, the groom exclaimed, “Optimus Prime!”

Michael Bay, eat your heart out.

Michael Bay, eat your heart out.

 He didn’t yell to Uncle Jay, “Starscream!”  He yelled the character I was playing.  (Although he did also shout “Dogma!” when he saw Uncle Chris dressed as Matt Damon in the film – he was a wingless angel in armor.  Nerd!)

Later in the night, prior to the police arriving to break up the Halloweed festivities, a group of us would eventually make our way back up to the reception to seek out more alcohol.  There’s video somewhere out there of Optimus Prime and Starscream dancing with the bride and bridesmaids.  But that’s not what this tale’s about.

Despite the fact that Jay and I won Best Couple (again, before that whole cop crackdown thing), there was a bitter Energon cube I was forced to swallow.  While talking to a pair of G.I. Janes, my good old buddy was getting all the attention.  I blew up.  “I’m the leader of the Autobots,” I began.  “Starscream doesn’t lead anything.  In fact all he does is whine to Megatron.  It’s his wingspan, isn’t it?  It’s always about the wingspan.  Don’t lie and tell me differently.”

Thank Cybertron the boys in blue cancelled the show.

MORAL OF THE STORY: No matter what you do, no matter how much you accomplish in life, girls always love the bad boys.