The Sh– And Just Sh–ty… X-Men Films Reviewed As Roller Coasters

I’m a little bit upset that X-Men: First Class didn’t do better at the box office in its opening weekend, but I have a feeling that might have to deal with the lead-ins… à la The Jay Leno Show and The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.

You see, X-Men: The Last Stand and Wolverine were quite terrible, and perhaps the masses have finally realized they’d had enough.  Or potentially, Hugh Jackman just has that kind of draw.

None the less, I realized there was no pattern of the films in this series being The Shit or simply Just Shitty, so I rated what I think about each movie in comparison to various roller coasters and their riders.

Hey, at least it's finally a movie!

The first X-Men had a lot of work to do.  It had to introduce not only a unique spin on previous superhero origin stories, but it also had to introduce a lot of characters and ideologies.  It’s probably not too fair to compare the flick that introduced the world to the concept of mutants and a mine car roller coaster… Actually, it might be perfectly fair.  Besides, the finale at the Statue of Liberty stills leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

You got that right!

Aside from the fact that the title should have been anything other than what it is (X-Men 2: Mutants United makes way more sense on all levels), this film was fun from the get go.  Gone was Halle Berry’s stupid fake accent; Wolverine finally kicked some ass; Nightcrawler was handled exceptionally well.  Still one of the best superhero movies in Colonel Stryker general.

Duh-rector Brett Ratner is a regular at this ride.

Directors Matthew Vaughan and Bryan Singer poured some of their creative talents into the third film during pre-production.  I assume anything clever (and there was very little) was their handiwork.  The rest was Brett Ratner’s greasy fingers.

I don't want to go to there.

Could have been great.  Could have been fun.  Wasn’t at all.

Not something you see everyday.

I avoided the previews as best as I could, and I was not disappointed.  I loved this film.  It accomplished everything it set out to do: be an origin story and a palette cleanser.  It was cool that it was set in the real world, with a real world life-saving issue, and it was even cooler that it was a send-up of 60’s spy movies at times.

James McAvoy as Charles “Professor X” Xavier and Michael Fassbender as Erik “Magneto” Lensherr fit their roles well, and brought more to the table for these characters, much like how Chris Pine updated Captain Kirk in the Star Trek reboot.  Also, I’ve never appreciated Kevin Bacon more, because he brought a sense of validation to the cast of mostly unknowns.  (There are tons of B-Actor! cameos, and some A-Actors! as well.)

The only thing that sucked?  January Jones can’t act her way out of lingerie.


Happy Find… X-Men: First Class

We are getting a ton of Marvel Comics movies this year (okay, three).  Here’s the preview for the latest:

Could be pretty cool, x-pecially since it’s directed by Kick-Ass’s kick-ass helmer, Matthew Vaughn.  He was supposed to direct X-Men: The Last Stand, but the x-crutiating Brett Ratner took over.

Think of this film as his apology letter…

Drunken Recollection… Dream Cast Of X-Men: First Class

Sega had a different idea than me.

With the new (first?) (only?) A-Team movie coming out, we got to talking about the cast over some beers.  We decided this dream cast (not the one above) would have been quite a coup:

The Dream Team

Bruce Willis as Hannibal, Brad Pitt as Face, Jim Carrey as Murdoch, and Michael Clarke Duncan as B.A. Baracus would have been expensive as hell, and I’m not calling the current cast the B-Team (ha!), but these guys would be totally worth it.

So then we started discussing that Matthew Vaughn (the guy that made Kick-Ass independent of any studio) will be helming X-Men: First Class. It should be noted that he was set to be the original director of X-Men 3 (which he hated).  Since our train of thought was already on IRF (Ideal Role Fulfillment), this was the station our one track minds arrived at:

Yes, please.

Michael Rosenbaum could replace Patrick Stewart as a younger Professor X.  Rosenbaum already carries comic credentials under his belt (he plays Lex Luthor on Smallville), so he already has the experience of playing the earlier version of an icon.  Plus, DC owes Marvel someone since Green Lantern took Ryan Reynolds from Deadpool.  Besides, audiences don’t care if Actors! double up on beloved characters (Captain Jean-Luc Picard held his ground as Professor X, Human Torch as Captain America, Han Solo as Indiana Jones, as so on).

It's the hair that won the job.

Replacing Magneto was tough.  I started with Jude Law, another Brit, taking over for Sir Ian McKellen.  But then we tried thinking about perhaps an Actor! of Jewish decent, since Erik Magnus Lehnsherr happened to be, and we could think of none.  So they fought Law, and Law won.

And as for Cyclops / Scott Summers, this thought popped in our head…

Please no.

…and the game ended.