Just in time for Christmas Eve, I’ve assembled a list of containing A Handful Of items I may actually want, even though I told all my loved ones not to buy me anything because I didn’t buy them anything. Will they listen this year? Hopefully. But they haven’t yet, and I feel like a real dick when they do. Unless that’s what they wanted. Then they did get a gift from me after all!
So you can keep warm while looking cool.
I missed it when this Marc Ecko product had its original run, but aren’t we living in the age of the TripleDoubleU?! Anything’s possible! But probably not
buy by tomorrow…
This game looks just like you’re playing the TV show. Do you know how many times I’ve wished Friends would have done that? Oh, and I should mention this – I would like the 360 pre-order version so I can get Mysterion. So what if this doesn’t come out until next year. I can wait.
I will not name him Tony.
I was just telling my brother the other day that I have three loves in this world:
- Taco Bell
The other two are kind of off-point, but this little robot would be a nice beginning for my impending robot-infested dominion.
Final words before my inevitable incarceration: “See you all later… you know, because I was secretly video taping you.”
My sister actually brought these to my attention, and they haven’t left my consciousness since. I brought up the possibility of getting these to a few friends, and one deftly responded: “Creepersville.” My initial interest was genuine – wear this to bars to capture conversation flows or to a soccer game to get a first-person perspective of my awfulness. But it’s there – right on the fringe of Creepersville no matter my intent. The only other inevitable problem is that I have enough difficulty living in the moment as it is. With these, I’ll be living in perpetual time-delay.
It’s closing in on Gimme Gimme Day, and what better way to celebrate the joyous overconsumption and high-expectations of youth than to examine the video games I was never Given Given.
Here are A Handful Of… The Video Games That Got Away:
Ah, the good ol' days of 16-color EGA graphics...
Not what you’d expect to be first. This came out back in the days of me playing the original Maniac Mansion and Zak McKracken and the Alien Mindbenders, but it was only available for Commodore 64. I had an IBM-compatible. To those not around at the time, that’s like wanting Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception, when all you have is the Wii.
I had a Sega Genesis, but I didn’t get the system when it was originally released with Altered Beast. Then again, ToeJam and Earl was still released after that. I’m not sure why I didn’t get this game. All I know is that I wanted it.
nerdy PC game. (It was available for DOS, but it looked fantastic on the Amiga. So I wanted the Amiga.) I didn’t even really play chess, but I guess I craved digitized violence. Don’t be surprised if one day it’s revealed that this game paved the way for Mortal Kombat. Speaking of kombat…
This was one of the two arcade fighting games I was good at (the other was Virtua Fighter), so when it was announced that there would be a version for the Super Nintendo, I was ecstatic. Then I realized how people must have felt when Pac-Man was finally released for the Atari 2600… Here’s the SNES commercial:
"I get to be on top!"
This game might look familiar, although its name is not. That’ sbecause you probably saw Tom Hanks playing it in the movie Big. Sadly, TCOTEW never existed in the real world… until now. Try it by clicking here.
Think of it as my early Gimme Gimme present for you.
Hopefully you haven’t seen either of these already, but if you have, I’ve included the gift receipt.
Something nice (and a weird mix of funny and sad):
Mostly everyone nowadays knows Clarence Carter for his song, Strokin’. If the blind blues singer is known for anything else, it should be at least for the hook from his song, Backdoor Santa. Run-DMC “borrowed” the back beat for their better-known Christmas in Hollis, but here’s the original:
Awesome, right? It’s definitely sexual in nature, but
t am I wrong to think it could be about a little something extra under the tree? I known the TripleDoubleU has been around for quite some time and my purest thoughts are no different from yellow snow, but t I don’t think I’m reading too much into these lyrics:
I make my run
At the break of day
“The break of day” is also known as “the crack of dawn.”
I ain’t like
Old Saint Nick
He don’t come
But once a year
That part is obviously sexual, and the concept was stolen by Pierce Brosnan’s James Bond. Here’s where it gets really interesting…
I kept that door open
In case anyone
Smelled a mouse
Courtney Ford. Kate Beahan.
If neither of those names are familiar, here are the faces to go with them:
Courtney is probably best known for her role in season four of Dexter (and not for her marriage to Superman), but she first came to my attention in an episode of How I Met Your Mother (“The Naked Man“). She played an awful person on HIMYM, but she did this on Dexter. She will forever be in my heart, and needs more opportunities to do what she did on Dexter.
Kate has not fared as well in America as she has in her homeland (she’s Australian… I love Australian accents). Her biggest role here was in The Wicker Man, and this is a sample of the material she had to work with:
Come on Hollywood! Give her another shot! At least one better than Nick Cage in a bear suit punching a woman!
fuzzy that this one is a no-brainer. It’s available from ThinkGeek and…
"Tauntauns roasting on an open fire..."
Awww… gawdammit! It’s the stupid Wampa Rug that’s for sale…
How fucking cool is this:
I don’t know how well it works, but I want it. And it’s free. And it’s available now.
But you might be wondering this:
Why don’t you just download it now for free and test it out?
Well that’s because I can’t, you idiot, otherwise I would. I still have an iPhone 3G, and I need at least a 3GS. So I need to upgrade my phone to 4 in order to try it out before my trip to Prague.
So I guess what I’m really saying is:
All I Want For Christmas Is… An iPhone 4!
I bet you’re wondering… what is a Yellow-Naped Amazon? Unless you’re an ornithologist, of course.
Essentially, it’s a mimicking parrot that can, well, here’s an example of how skilled they can be:
Imagine the things I could teach one! Really, go ahead and imagine! ‘Cuz I don’t feel like it!
A bit ago, IMDb ran this poll:
Grant it the survey was held with tongue planted firmly at the back of the throat (I know they say ‘cheek’ normally, but it is ‘growing’ out of your throat like a plant… this was funnier and not as gross in my head).
Anyjohnhughes, as much as I would love to see Ferris Bueller’s Laid Off, it ain’t gonna happen. As of now, not any one of those films have a chance – nay, a whisper – of development talk.
These on the other hand, these sequels have been chatted up dearly:
Why not? We’ve already seen these guys ride a cheetah in the wrong direction, and spoke down with W. And everybody knows National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation was the best of Chevy Chase’s screen family’s exploits. Too bad they never made that Swiss Family Griswold that Chevy promised. Oops… they kinda did.
- Ghostbusters 3 (maybe to start filming this Christmas) – I am afraid of part 2:
This movie is the childhood dream behind a fourth Indiana Jones movie. Keep fucking Lucas and Spielberg away (should be easy since they had nothing to do with the first two), and let Lee Eisenberg and Gene Stupnitsky’s script have room to glow. The duo writes for The Office; The Office can be is funny. Thank Gozer that Atari (wait… really, Atari?) got the Ecto-1 rolling on making a new video game based on the franchise. That probably helped accelerate enthusiasm, and something something clever about waking ghosts.
Is Oliver Stone relevant? The antithesis to the ‘Greed is good’ mantra from the first film certainly is alive and unwell. And Michael Douglas isn’t doing anything except Catherine Zeta-Jones. Greed certainly is good for the studios, but this long-not-so-awaited sequel is a little more The Two Jakes, than The Color of Money (neither is much of a compliment). Wait… Shia LaBeouf is in it? Are you sure he’s not too busy?
I remember wanting to skip a summer baseball game to see the original. Would I want to skip a soccer game as an adult to see the sequel? No. But I would go see a midnight sneak preview afterwards. Director Robert Zemeckis – reigning king of creepy CGI work in The Polar Express, Beowulf, and the upcoming A Christmas Carol (third holiday shout out on this post) – wants to include… creepy CGI. Could be an interesting mash-up of styles, and could make for a neat-o picture.
Some rumored projects that will most likely never see the light of the darkened theater. Never say never…
I’m having a post-Christmas meltdown at work today. It’s like acid-reflux of the soul. To express how bad I feel, I present… the worst moments in “Batman & Robin”: