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Awful/Awesome Battle… The Many Faces (Or At Least Two) Of Fear

Posted on December 4, 2011 by sgottahurt

It’s been long enough since I’ve seen this video about recent UFO sightings across the world that I can finally post it here. Have I mentioned how I feel about aliens before? Here’s a tip on how to get through it – focus on the misspellings (why do videos like this always have misspellings?)…

AWFUL

This next one is creepy, but in a fun way, which seems weird to say based on what it’s, um, based on, but it’s true. Honestly, it’s one of the funniest videos I’ve seen in a long time.

AWESOME

(original video here)

Awesome Battle… Nathan Fillion Vs. Brendan Fraser

Posted on October 20, 2011 by sgottahurt

Wanna bet Brendan Fraser is jealous of Nathan Fillion because he’s what Fraser always wanted to be? Let’s check out the comparisons…

Fraser: "Bring it!" Fillion: "It's brung..."

NATIONALITY

Fillion was born in Edmonton and remains Canadian; Fraser was born in Indianapolis and later would move to Ottawa and Toronto.

POINT: Fillion, for sticking to his maple leaf logo guns.

BREAKING INTO HOLLYWOOD

Fraser’s first major role was as an unfrozen caveman in Encino Man; Fillion starred as a cast regular on the ABC soap opera One Life to Live. (He should have been on this list.)

POINT: It’s a wash.

CAREER HIGHS

Fraser was in the critically acclaimed Gods and Monsters, the Academy Award-winning(ly bad) Crash, and the monetarily successful Mummy trilogy; Fillion was in Steven Spielberg’s Saving Private Ryan (as the wrong Private Ryan) and Firefly/Serenity.

POINT: Fillion.

CAREER LOWS

Let’s see… for Fraser, where do you begin: Airheads, George of the Jungle, Blast from the Past, Dudley Do-Right, Monkeybone, Journey to the Center of the Earth, and Furry Vengeance; for Fillion, you have just Blast from the Past?

POINT: Fillion.

CURRENT PROJECTS

Fillion is already into season four of the hit (?) ABC show Castle; Fraser is set to appear as Vanessa Hudgens’ absentee father in a flick named after a Rolling Stones song.

POINT: Another wash, as I don’t watch either.

But my POINT is this:

Although Brendan Fraser has appeared in way more movies, a fair amount of which were even successful, and Nathan Fillion has had to muddle his way through plenty of failed TV shows to get to this one… Fraser would fetch Fillion’s fervent fan base in freaking flash! Alliteration!

Awesome Battle… Good Will Hunting Vs. Swinging Mike Peters

Posted on October 5, 2011 by sgottahurt

It's like Matt and Ben are the hood of the car.

Swingers and Good Will Hunting hold a sort of distinction in film history as being the “ones that dun it“… meaning, despite their best previous efforts, until the comedy and drama became success stories, nobody knew:

Jon Favreau
Vince Vaughn
Matt Damon
Ben Affleck

But which film is the better ~~Bar Mitzvah~~ ~~Quinceañera~~ ~~Sweet Sixteen~~ coming out party? Let’s wage an Awesome Battle!

BOX OFFICE

Swingers was put together for $200,000, and it went on to make $4.5 million. Good Will Hunting was produced for $10 million and it netted almost $226 million. That’s pretty close ratios, so let’s get specific:

$4,555,020 gross / $200,000 investment = 22.7751 (Swingers)

$225,933,435 gross / $10,000,000 investment = 22.5933435 (Good Will Hunting)

So Swingers earned just over 2277% of its budget, whereas Good Will Hunting earned just over 2259% of its budget.

WINNER: Swingers
APPROPRIATE QUOTE: “You’re so money and you don’t even know it!”

CRITICAL ACCLAIM

We can take two aspects into consideration here: reviews and awards.

Swingers received 87% Fresh from critics (45 positive reviews and 7 negative)

Good Will Hunting received 97% Fresh from critics (68 positive reviews and 2 negative)

89% of the audience liked Swingers; 92% liked Good Will Hunting.

As for awards, Good Will Hunting won Best Supporting Actor for Robin Williams and Oscars for Best Original Screenplay went to Damon and Affleck. So that’s three for the drama; zero for the comedy.

WINNER: Good Will Hunting
APPROPRIATE QUOTE: “How do ya like them ~~tomatoes~~ apples?”

INCREASE IN STAR POWER

So let’s take a quick rundown of everyone’s successes following these films?

Jon Favreau has directed these films which together grossed about $1.6 billion:

Elf
Iron Man
Iron Man 2
Cowboys & Aliens

Vince Vaughn has starred in these films which together grossed about $744 million:

Old School
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
Wedding Crashers
The Break-Up

Matt Damon has starred in these two trilogies which together grossed about $2.1 billion:

Ocean’s Eleven, Ocean’s Twelve, Ocean’s Thirteen
The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremacy, The Bourne Ultimatum

Ben Affleck has starred in and/or written/directed these critically acclaimed films which together grossed about $477 million + Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor which made another $449 million:

Shakespeare in Love
Gone Baby Gone
The Town

(Plus Ben Affleck was getting plenty of J. Lo when the getting was good.)

WINNER: Their agents
APPROPRIATE QUOTE: “You move, you die.” – Jason Bourne, in The Bourne Identity, which was directed by Swingers’ director, Doug Liman (full circle)

SO THE OVERALL WINNER IS…

Us… I guess? Nope, nope. It’s their agents.

Awful Battle… The One In The V-Neck Shirt Vs. The One With Feathers In His Hair

Posted on September 20, 2011 by sgottahurt

Schadenfreude’s a bitch.

Sometimes finger earplugs just aren't enough.

Simon Cowell’s American Idol X-it strategy, The X Factor, feels more like America’s Got Talent mixed with The Voice than the ratings juggernaut, and the ratings are proof.

The tenth season of American Idol debuted with 26 million viewers, minus Cowell, whereas The X Factor debuted with only 12 million, with Cowell.

Has he gotten too big for his britches? Or are people burnt out on singing competitions at this time of the year, having just finished with the two mentioned above?

Perhaps timing has everything to do with American Idols success.

Or maybe, it’s the people.

Icon vs. Icon

With Simon Cowell, you get no bullshit, and that’s a bonus. But he thinks no ~~bull~~shit don’t stink, so that cancels out his assets. With Steven Tyler, you (seemingly) had quite a genuine and caring individual that contrasted everything Cowell represented, and there was no looking back. It probably has something to do with the amount of tail each has had, and the way it was had.

Tyler + groupies (+ drugs?) = Crazy, Amazin’, Love in an Elevator
Cowell + some woman who passed or accepted all his criticism and cynicism = dollar-sign-eyes sex

WINNER: Steven Tyler

Former Diva vs Former Diva

We already had enough of Paula Abdul before she left Idol, but Jennifer Lopez sounded like a self-entitled nightmare. Turned out J. Lo was about as nice and pleasant as could seem (she’s not that great of an Actor!), and a hell of a lot more intelligible in her insights.

WINNER: Jennifer Lopez

Insider vs Insider

Randy Jackson seems like the cool, approachable guy in the band, and he probably was when he was in Journey. L.A. Reid, on the other hand, comes across as a corporate incubus, seeking out the next talent whose life-force he could siphon. Or a RuPaul impersonator. Mostly, I judge the new judge based upon the immortal lyrics of P!nk:

LA [Reid] told me, “You’ll be a pop star,
All you have to change is everything you are.”

She’s done a hell of a lot better since being herself, so…

WINNER: Randy Jackson

Tits vs Twit

Okay, this isn’t the proper match up, but who is that British guy taking Ryan Seacrest’s role as announcer or interviewer or host or whatever his role is called? And Idol wisely gave up the notion of a fourth spot, so why did The X-Factor go with Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger?

WINNER: Nicole Scherzinger… tits always win.

Awesome Battle… Little Boppers Vs. Pocket Rockers

Posted on September 6, 2011 by sgottahurt

I’ve decided to refocus on what these Awful/Awesome Battles are supposed to be… battles between things that are awful or awesome or both.

In this case, it’s Little Boppers vs. Pocket Rockers. Which was the better musical toy of the 80’s?

Little Boppers

Pocket Rockers

I would declare portable music the winner because it’s functional (and fashionable), but then you have to take into account these were the bands available, things kind of change:

What I find (or declare) interesting is the background music in each of the commercials is twenty years older than the product they’re selling. For the Little Boppers, the song is from 1965:

The Gentrys – Keep on Dancing

As for the Pocket Rockers, the song is from 1969, and it couldn’t have any more of a different sound:

Creedence Clearwater Revival – Down on the Corner

Based upon the theme songs alone, I would have chosen CCR and therefore, Pocket Rockers, the winner. But the ad company behind them changed the lyrics, whereas those mad men behind Little Boppers did not fuss with The Gentrys.

So after careful deliberation, I still declare Pocket Rockers the champ. What can I say, I love songs with changed lyrics! Except, of course, in this case:

Awful Battle… Creepy Celebs Sharing Their Love

Posted on August 22, 2011 by sgottahurt

Some would argue that celebrities are people. I say, if corporations can be people, why not the Hollywood elite.

It’s just that sometimes, when they are themselves, their real selves aren’t all that alluring…

Sometimes, their down right creepy. Take a gander and tell me what you think?

Awesome Battle… M.C. Esher And Zach Braff Vs. Dream House!

Posted on August 8, 2011 by sgottahurt

Being a man of few words (especially when I’m behind on posts), I’m going to let these two posters go toe-to-toe with the works they were ~~liberally borrowed from~~ inspired by.

Dream House

Analysis: cool perspective illusion, not your typical "floating head" poster

M.C. Esher

Analysis: cool perspective illusion, not your typical "stairs that go to nowhere" drawing

Dream House

Analysis: strange, unsettling effect, terrible dresses & wallpaper

Zach Braff

Analysis: strange, unsettling effect, terrible wallpaper... nice shirt

Awful Battle… Screamo Vs. Bruno

Posted on July 23, 2011 by sgottahurt

I don’t know which of these is worse. Only you can decide:

I Set My Friends On Fire’s Things That Rhyme With Orange

Bruno Mars’ Marry You

If you’d like, give your reasoning in the comments.

Awesome Battle… Battle Of The Boobs!

Posted on July 10, 2011 by sgottahurt

Boobs are a national treasure (the fleshy globules, not the idiots), and they should be treated and protected and respected (?) as so. That’s why today’s Awesome Battle is a collection of products aimed at cleaving away negative aspects of having cleavage, I guess, if there is such a thing. Perhaps it should be an Awful Battle based upon the products being showcased, but what was I saying again…?