Unofficial Trilogy… 80’s Movies That Will (Hopefully) Never Get Remade Edition

There was a time when it took some serious chops for a movie to get made.  Studios held all the cards, so they chose on what to gamble.  Here are some cringe-worthy gambles from the 80’s that I’d be shocked to see get remade these days:

These came out of Hollywood when P.C. just meant Pacific Coast…

For those of you unaware of the premise: a rich white guy rents an adult black man to be his son’s friend for a week.  I loved it as a kid, but in hind sight, how did it ever get made?  Who ever tricked Richard Pryor, Jackie Gleason, and director Richard Donner to get involved should get some kind of metal.  But then again, it was the 80’s.  Cocaine was probably somehow involved.

White Actor! C. Thomas Howell plays a student that takes tanning pills to get dark enough skin to appear black.  Your first instinct might be to ask “Huh?” but here’s the answer to why: so he can get a scholarship to Harvard specifically intended for African-American students.  Now you can ask the “Huh?”

This is the tamest of the three, but it’s seemingly the least credible.  How could Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy lug such a flexible deceased Bernie around all weekend without rigor mortis setting in?

InASense, Lost… Kids Movies, Now And Then

Over the holidays, my buddy/boss Paul was kind enough to inform me of how terrible Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked happened to be (it was his children’s choice… at least I believe it was).  I told him “thanks” and “I figured.”  But it got me thinking… they sure don’t make kids movies like they made when I was a kid anymore.

In fact, there’s practically no way they would make the movies I grew up with, and here’s a few plus the reasons why:

The Last Starfighter (1984)

THE PREMISE: Kid in a trailer park plays an arcade game so well he gets recruited to be an intergalactic war hero.

THE STOPPER: Justifies kids playing video games.

Sure, arcades don’t exist anymore, so there’s that.  Besides, this idea has already been tackled in more adult fare, such as Barry Levinson’s Toys and the sci-fi flop, Gamer.  There is no talk of a remake, but there was a 2004 off-Broadway musical based on it…

The Monster Squad (1987)

THE PREMISE: A group of kids battle the classic movie monsters like Dracula, Frankenstein, The Wolfman, The Mummy, and The Creature from the Black Lagoon.

THE STOPPERS: Talk about virgins (and sex “not counting”) and wolfman nards.

Sure, kids these days are way more hyper-sexual in their text messages than the language in this film, but would parents complain?  Someone would complain.  There’s talk of a remake, but it’s supposedly going to be about more current monsters, like Freddy Kruger or the Predator.

The Goonies (1985)

THE PREMISE: A group of kids seek out a pirate’s treasure to save their town.

THE STOPPERS: Racism, Sloth, and gluing penises upside-down.

Sure, you may get Samwise Gamgee out of this movie one day, but you also get Jonah Hex.  (And Corey Feldman.)  They’ve been talking about a sequel to this longer than an Arrested Development film, and we all know how that’s going… they’re making it!

Cloak & Dagger (1984)

THE PREMISE: A kid finds a video game cartridge containing information that could get him killed, so he runs for his life with the help of an imaginary friend.

THE STOPPER: The kid kills a bad guy.

Sure, it has that whole “video game could get you killed” angle, but the kid really shoots someone!  Cross my Atari!  And so far, no sequel, prequel, remake, or reboot talk at all… even though this was pretty much a remake.

Big Shots (1987)

THE PREMISE: Two kids are chased by bad guys because they stole a car with a dead body in its trunk!

THE STOPPER: The premise!

Sure, this was marketed as a kid movie, but we didn’t know better at that time.  It was written by screenwriter Joe Eszterhas… you know, the guy that scripted Flashdance, Basic Instinct, and Showgirls.  There isn’t even a DVD release planned for this flick.

So, Duh! Pop Quiz… Remake, Rinse, Or Repeat? Edition

This So, Duh! Pop Quiz could be viewed as skewed toward personal opinion, but you’re wrong.  Basically, this is a list of 80’s movies, and you need to decide if it could be remade (REMAKE), if the thought of that happening makes you recoil (RINSE), or if a sequel would even be allowed (REPEAT).

Are there right and wrong answers?  You betcha.

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5)(posters via IMP Awards, answers after the jump) Read More

So, Duh! Pop Quiz… Bicycles In 80’s Movies

He really has a "Can Do!" attitude.

This So, Duh! Pop Quiz was inspired by something my sister Becky noticed.  In 80’s movies, there was nothing more common than a good bike chase.  Well, maybe it wasn’t common at all, but it seems to be relegated to only films made back then.  See if you can figure out which spokes appeared in which flicks:

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(Okay, this one is technically from 1979...)

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(answers after the jump)

Read More

Happy Find… Hypnotic Videos

I am so mad right now (despite this being a Happy Find). 

I hope that most of you have seen it already, but I really, really, really wanted to post a video called She’s a Talker, but the guy who put it on YouTube has since taken it down.  Basically, it was 73 different (allegedly) gay men brushing their pet cats and saying – what else – “She’s a talker.”  It was hypnotic more than funny (well, actually, more than halfway through when you realize how many guys are doing and saying the exact same thing, it becomes humorous). 

But anywhiskers, here was my planned lead-in hypnotic video (and yes, that’s Lynn Redgrave, Mindy Cohn, and Ruth Buzzi… I don’t know how I kept my pants on):

(via Everything is Terrible, my new favorite blog)

BONUS NOSTALGIC ELECTRONIC HYPNOTIC SWIRL 

(via Hipster Runoff, my always favorite blog):

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