(My Boss) Paul’s Top Five List… Non-Existent Cover Bands And Their Non-Existent Album Covers

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s the week betwixt Christmas and New Year’s, so we’re slow at work. 

Top 5 Non-Existent (As Far We Know) Cover Bands & Their Non-Existent Album Covers 

1) Men on Break 

Known for such hits as “Who Can It Be Now?” and “Down Under,” Men at Work were hard at work in the 80’s.  Nowadays, there are suspicions that their cover band, Men on Break, might really be them. 

Overkill, indeed.

2) Faster Than Ezra 

Some people out there might not think that Better Than Ezra deserves a cover band, but the speed metal versions of “Good” and “Desperately Wanting” leave you desperately wanting more good covers.

Ezra was overheard saying, "Those mobile carriages are waaaaay faster than me."

3) Urethra Franklin

Aretha Franklin is a legend in the music business.  The fact that she’s a legend at Old Country Buffet is besides the point.  This rocking cover band electrifies (Ben Franklin lightning pun!) with their versions of “Respect” and “Who’s Zoomin’ Who?”  (Not to be confused with anything in the Urban Dictionary.)

Little known fact: he also invented UTI's.

4) Van Couver Meloncamp 

John Mellancamp, a.k.a. The Coug, has a song catalog as long and as varied as his name(s).  Van Couver Meloncamp not only does a great service to such hits as “Jack & Diane” and “Hurts So Good,” VCM also “Cuts Like a Knife” to the heart of the hits of The Coug’s northern counterpart – Bryan Adams.  Take a bite of Meloncamp!  (Now touring in British Columbia.)

Those are some big melons.

5) Hawaii Five-O

Cops – I can take ’em or leave ’em.  The Police on the other hand – put out an APB!  Hawaii Five-O takes the unique approach of covering Sting’s biting melodies with the soft plucking touch of ukuleles.  You never heard “Roxanne” until you heard it plinka-plinka-plink!  (Moustaches, Detroit Tigers caps, and flowered shirts are optional at their performances, but highly recommended.)

Where Magnum Meets Tantric

BONUS: Alternate Urethra Franklin cover after the jump. Read More

Awesome Battle… Which Happy Find Should Have Got Its Own Post?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve had so many Happy Finds that I can’t quite keep up with, so instead of letting them get lost in the ethers of net, here’s a good ol’ fashion dump list.  Don’t hate me!

1) The BossHoss

This band from Berlin mocks celebrates the stylings of country music in America by covering pop tunes from America.  They refer to their versions as “Country Trash Punk Rock.”  But in German, I guess.  (via Dave, more BossHoss here)

2) Remember these?

Oh yeah, Lisa Skye! I forgot about, um, her...

Not the specific (wacky) strip itself, but the Hostess ads found in comic books about, oh, 25-30 years ago.  Okay, you probably don’t remember them.  But Seanbaby (no relation) did, and he’s collected all the food-tossing, problem-solving insanity on his site.

3) Clients From Hell

Working in IT (as I do) requires an amazing amount of patience.  Don’t believe me?  Click on the above link, or simply watch this video.  You will believe… (via Eric)

4) Unicorn Vs. Narwhal – The Game

Ever wonder what the outcome of such a fantastic battle (but not quite Awesome) would be?  Click the above link and find out!  (via Urlesque)

5) Working UPC Art

Like this? I can get ya even more!

Check out 24 other functional barcodes at The Chive.

Worth 1002 Words… Millennium Falcon Bed Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Playa Organa

Some alternates:

  • Princess Size
  • Hand Solo
  • Sleeps-1

(via /film)

Happy Find… Anthony Jeselnik

Posted on by sgottahurt

This guy tells the best wrong jokes I’ve ever heard.  Enjoy (and possibly be mortified) while I continue nursing this hangover…

JusWondering… Have You Been Naughty Or Nice (Or A Nice Combination of Both)?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Well, well, well.  It’s Christmas Day… or Boxing Day Eve for my Canadian neighbors, Friday for all you Socialist, Baby Jesus-h8ing liberals, or Day Two of my extended weekend.

For all of people celebrating the first item in the above short-list, a question commonly posed by (that pagan) Santa Claus goes, “Have you been naughty or have you been nice?”

For those that have been nice, here’s a naughty Alison Brie singing Santa Baby to Santa, the Ghost of Christmas Presents, and an adult Jesus Cowell (h8rs!):

For those of you that have been good, ol’ fashioned naughty, here’s a Krampus gallery:

And because you’ve been especially bad, here’s a video, too:

InASense, Lost… So That’s Where Santa Claus Comes From

Posted on by sgottahurt

As a kind and generous soul, I implore you – gather up your children, and together watch this origin story of Santa Claus.  Revel in the triumphs and joys of his journey from his humble beginnings in the Korvatunturi Mountains, to the plush decorative throne at your local mall and local malls around the world…

But be careful.  If you do not respect Father Christmas, this will be the outcome (if you’re lucky):

If any of the above has offended or scarred you, you’re welcome.  If you want to take matters up with the company, please feel free to contact Rare Exports, Inc by clicking on this link.

Merry Christmas, bitches!

Hibbidy-Wah?! Give Me A F—ing (Christmas) Break

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m running low on my Christmas spirit as I’m quickly realizing most all of my Christmas wishes are not coming true.  Smack that up against with me coming across this over-indulgent greeting card that almost two-million people have already seen (speaking of smack, that kid’s mug is begging for one):

I watched the entire extravaganza, and I guess the guy that set it up used to do special effects for Disney, but still… ick.  The song is even terrible.

It kind reminds me of a light show version of this:

"It's craptastic!"

 (And for the record… no, I am not his neighbor…)

All I Want For Christmas Is… Parajet SkyCar – No, I Mean, BackJoy

Posted on by sgottahurt

I had a mystery that required solving (as all mysteries do) about a week ago.  The situation was this:

I had awakened in the middle of the night to witness an infomercial for a product that you sat on, and it was supposed to help your spine align properly.  I had no more to go on than that… well… that, and the website site that sounded something like BooYah.com.

I asked everyone around the office.  I Googled as fervently as I could.  I could not find anything about this thing you sit on for spine support.

That was until I stumbled upon the word “orthotic.”  And indeed, the product was like a shoe insert.  Very soon after I found it… BackJoy.

As Danny Glover once said, in his mid-20's, "I'm too young for this shit."

 My co-workers had me thinking I dreamed it, when it was truly a reality.  No longer would I be uncomfortable sitting on stools without backs at the bars – I could have BackJoy!  And that’s when it hit me.  I’d have to carry this thing around with me, wherever I went, because I’m sure my back would get used to it.

So then I settled upon wanting this.  It was love at first glance:

An older Danny Glover was overheard saying, "I'll take ten." (Because he's rich, you see.)

Parajet SkyCar – the flying auto!  A reality actually spawned in my dreams!  Oh, the places– wait, what’s that?  It glides?  With a parachute?

Just give me the BackJoy.  And make sure it comes with a carrying case…

All I Want For Christmas Is… Any Of These Toys (But Mostly MindFlex… Maybe)

Posted on by sgottahurt

I haven’t been this amazed since I’ve seen babies reading, but this MindFlex toy looks incredible.

Use your brain to move around a ball!  How could any kid not want this!  Well, that is unless it’s a scam…

So if that idea doesn’t fly (ha!), how about some of these Cubedudes!  Who doesn’t love superheroes made out of Legos?

Something's fishy if Aquaman's included...

Oh.  They’re a personal project.  Thanks for getting my hopes up (Comics Alliance I’m looking at you)!  You surely wouldn’t screw me twice, because if I can’t have those, I’ll gladly take one of these:

The Rocketeer got the Feds and the Mafia to work together to fight Nazis... He's a certified hero!

Consarn it!

Okay, then just give me this… it’s available on most reputable retail sites…

I've never met a stripper named Carousel, though it seems like it could be possible.

 Oh.  It’s $250.  That’s about $230 over our spending limit.  Never mindflex.

All I Want For Christmas Is… To Live Here, Sleep Here, Or Drive This

Posted on by sgottahurt

Like any person stuck in their own life, I dream of other places to be, other things to sleep on, and other things to drive. Here are each of my wishes:

1) Habitat 67

Named so because it was built in 1967, this prefab community looks cool as whip. It’s located in Montreal, which I think is in Canada (I’m just kidding… I know it’s in Mexico). So it’s old and in another country, which would normally be two strikes against a place, yet I still would like to inhabitat it. That’s mostly because I hear there’s a lot of models there (source needed). Wait, you don’t think they mean models, like “women posing” do you? ‘Cause that’d be so much better than putting together plastic crap with glue…

This is where the new version of "The Prisoner" should have been filmed.

2) Hide-A-Bunk-Bed

How cool are things that transform? The correct answer – very. Except when it comes to couches that transform into beds. But not anymore, thanks to this brilliant idea.

If only I could get somebody to sleep over...

Or would you prefer the Do Hit Chair?

This chair costs $6000. Srsly...

3) A-Team Smart Car

‘Nuff said.

a-team-mini-car

B.A. Baracus pities the fool that has to ride in the back.