As that guy who played Ferris Bueller said in one of his movies, “Life moves by pretty fast.”
A fellow blogger pal recently posted about the same thing, and in her articulate reflection, she paraphrased something she heard Keith Urban say on the radio:
…this is when Keith Urban blew my mind. He said that when we’re 10-years-old, one year is one tenth of our lives–and that’s a lot. Then, when we’re 20-years-old, one year is half that, and at 30 years, even less of our lives. So it stands to reason that years feel faster. ‘It’s relative,’ he said.
So when I stumbled happened upon this chart, displaying the exponentially growing number of Crayola’s crayon colors, I was taken aback. How can there be so many colors now?
They keep inventing new colors, I guess.
When I was a kid, I remember being amazed there were sixty-four colors.
Anybody else have a penchant for turning this into a missile launcher?
It’s true that as adults, we make things more complicated for ourselves. Should it be that way with the simplicity that is colored wax?
Then I stumbled happened upon this graphic representing the last decade. It kind of gave me hope in the sense that the more things change, the more they stay the same. So I was cheered up again.
Then I stumbled happened across this:
"Sunny days, sweeping the clouds away..."
In the words of one of those characters in those kids’ cartoons and books about Eeyore, “Oh bother…”
Let’s examine for one second which car companies sponsored which, um, sponsorees…
Frothy the Snow Cowell
Eight years ago, Ford Motor Company decided to back a show that was not much more than a flashier Star Search.
Was it Coca Cola’s shared involvement?
Was it a long standing crush on Paula Adbul?
Or was it amazing foresight from a company that renamed the Taurus the Five Hundred, and then redubbed it the Taurus again?
Turns out it doesn’t matter. Once Kelly Clarkson happened, American Idol legitimized and therefore blew up.
Speaking of blowing up, let’s remind ourselves which guys GM got behind (or as in the case of this image – between):
"Stuck between two loose screws" - GM's new slogan
GM decided to back Tiger Woods through its Cadillac brand, and that was a good investment for a long time.
They also paid a fair amount of cash to have their fleet of cars featured in both horribleTransformers movies, and those flicks made My Little Ponies pretty pennies.
And in the end, which car company required money from the government bailout?
The quest begins to pinpoint the moment that John Cusack went from being The Shit to becoming sort of Just Shitty.
In the annals (ha!) of this category, it is not necessarily a title one’s locked into and therefore it’s totally reversible. With his upcoming films Hot Tub Time Machineand the possible Cosmic Banditos, the turd that has become his career could shine once again.
But what caused the descent into the drain? Let’s take a trip in the Toilet Bowl Time Machine to find out.
“THE SHIT”
There are groupings to this phase, and they go like so…
1) The Early Cameos
Films included: Class, Sixteen Candles, Stand By Me, Broadcast News
These were crucial in helping him to get his face out there, help out a former director, or branch out into other genres.
2) The Adolescent Male Fantasy
Films included: The Sure Thing, Better Off Dead,One Crazy Summer, Hot Pursuit, Tapeheads
This grouping, of course, made me a fan. Well, Better Off Dead made me a fan.
3) The Teenage Girl Fantasy
Films included: The Journey of Natty Gann kind of, Say Anything… totally
By the power of Cameron Crowe’s film alone, the stage was set for Cusack’s for middle-aged (film career) doom.
4) The Serious Actor!
Films included: Eight Men Out, Fat Man and Little Boy (he played Little Boy, me thinks), The Grifters, True Colors, City Hall, Money for Nothing (was it a comedy… was it a drama… does anyone remember seeing it?)
This was the point he started getting to work with some serious talent. Were they hits? Mostly misses. Wait, I’m sorry. Mostly Ms.
5) The Woody Allen Experiments
Films included: Shadows and Fog, Bullets Over Broadway
For a minute, it seemed like Woody was going to have a new muse in the form of Cusack. 58, 59, finished…
6) The Late Cameos
Films included: Bob Roberts, The Player, Map of the Human Heart, Adaptation
These roles were primarily favors.
7) The Beginning of the End of the Century
Films included: Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, The Thin Red Line, Pushing Tin, Cradle Will Rock
Though none of these were hits – nor any good (The Thin Red Line is merely visual poetry) – they were still high-profile releases.
8) The Beginning of the End of His Reign as “The Shit”
Films included: Grosse Pointe Blank, Con Air, Being John Malkovich, High Fidelity
Arguably, my favorite group. He wrote Grosse Pointe Blank and High Fidelity.
9) The Slippery Slope
Films included: America’s Sweethearts, Serendipity, Max, Identity, Runaway Jury
I actually liked Identity, but compare this batch to earlier batches and you’ll realize Cusack’s star-power has diminished.
Films included: Must Love Dogs, The Ice Harvest, 1408, 2012, The Contract (released straight to DVD)
Um. How about a romantic film? Nope.
Action-comedy then? Pfft.
Horror it is. Not.
Disaster pic FTW!
(Direct-to-DVD FML…)
11) Independent Hopefuls
Films included: Martian Child, Grace is Gone, War, Inc.
I still intend to see these independent releases, and I may actually enjoy them, but let’s be honest. Cusack’s Better Off Dead, Say Anything days are long behind him…
30 Rock, oh 30 Rock, how much do I love thee? Apparently enough to dream about you on more than one occasion.
Or at least this guy:
Tracy Morgan and Tracy Jordan
In this particular brain drain, I was spending Christmas with the Jordan family. I had bought Tracy Jr. a guitar, and I couldn’t wait for him to open it up so I could play it.
Once dinner was finished, he opened it and I helped put the guitar together (because for some reason, assembly was required).
Somebody 30 Rocked this guitar.
Once I tuned the six-stringer, I readied to strum. But he wouldn’t let me. Even after I reminded him that I bought it for him, and that I put it together, he still shook his head, arms outreached.
I handed it over, sort of peeved, and woke up.
DREAM INGREDIENTS: A late night helping of pizza sticks… and an episode of 30 Rock.
Here’s one example shared by both the MTV reality show and the classic RPG:
Shared Trait 4: Spiky Hair
But I’ll let you read the remainder of the list by clicking here. You don’t have to be a huge fan of both to get it, but you should be a fan of at least one.
Now that same night, another major item (because Jersey Shore and Final Fantasy are like huge deals) brought to my attention was that these existed:
Now I’d like to list some facts about the Greenland shark, and how they too are similar to the cast of Jersey Shore.
1) Alternate names
The extra "W" is for "WTF?"
On the Jersey Shore, everybody has an alias, like they’re X-Men or something: Jenni is J-Woww, Nicole is Snooki, Sammi is Sweatheart, and Mike is The Situation.
The Greenland shark has more even more nicknames: sleeper shark, gurry shark, ground shark, grey shark, or the Inuit name, Eqalussuaq.
2) Parasites
Microscopic crustaceans ain't just for the beach!
I’m not saying that any of the cast members on Jersey Shoredo have crabs, but I’m also not saying that they don’t… You just got double-negatived, which is another way of saying positive. BTW, I’m sure positive is a result this group has seen as on innumerable tests.
Meanwhile, the Greenland sharks play host to the creature in the picture above (the one on the right, of course). It feasts on the shark’s eye, causing partial blindness. Like syphilis.
3) Scavengers
Yes. Her hat does read, "Porn Star In Training."
Snooki sure loves her pickles.
Greenland sharks sure their love fish, seals, reindeer, horses, and polar bears.
4) Toxic skin
Mr. Duck Phone feels safer with the poisonous shark.
I don’t know components go into fake tan sprays or tan accelerators, and I especially don’t know how much alcohol the cast members of Jersey Shore can actually consume, but if I happened to be on a plane with them and it crash landed in the Alps – I wouldn’t eat them.
The flesh of the Greenland sharks, on the other fin hand, is officially poisonous. I repeat – THIS SHARK IS POISONOUS. Next you’ll be telling me they have razor-sharp skin, too. (Let it be known, the toxin in their skin does produce an effect akin to extreme drunkenness, so maybe I would eat a Jersey Shore cast member in the Alps.)
5) Legends
They could be friends, doncha think?
Everyone loves a good story, and sometimes the shorter the better. As for Mike of the Jersey Shore, his legend is straight to the point:
He is The Situation.
Greenland sharks legends aren’t as concise:
Sedna was a girl whose father cut off her fingers while drowning her. Each finger was said to have become a sea creature, including the Greenland shark. (via Wikipedia)
Now that’s quite a situation.
BONUS THING NOT HELD IN COMMON:
Greenland sharks can live for up to 200 years long. The cast of Jersey Shore will be forgotten about in five.
Come on. It’s inevitable. We’re reaching the bottom of the fish barrel (in which we like to shoot) when it comes to properties from the 80’s (and earlier). With The A-Team hitting the big screen this summer, there aren’t too many shows left to adapt.
So what about the 90’s? They happened like ten years ago, right?
I know television has tried several reboots of 90’s shows (namely 90210 and Melrose Place), and a few programs have made the leap to film (The Simpsons, South Park, Strangers With Candy, The X-Files, Sex and the City… you know, all cartoons). But there are plenty of hits that scream big screen, and today, I’m going to focus on casting one of them:
Home Improvement: The Movie
Tim Taylor – Although Tim Allen isn’t doing much else these days (besides directing Crazy on the Outsideand voicing Buzz Lightyear in Toy Story 3), this is a reboot of a franchise after all, so who do you go with? Mr. Reboot incarnate, Chris Pine.
"(Grunt)-(grunt)-(grunt)-(grunt)..." because I don't know how to spell the (grunt).
Jill Taylor – If you’ve ever watched Attack of the Show on G4, Ms. Olivia Munn has proven time and time again that she’s one tough cookie, just like Jill Taylor.
"Tim, don't even think about touching the dishwasher. Her name is Consuela."
Brad, Randy, and Mark Taylor – Who else but the Jonas Brothers? If Zack & Cody only had another brother…
It's a Disney production, and so are they.
Al Borland – Fresh in my mind courtesy of his performance as a CTU agent in 24, Freddie Prinze, Jr. would make a great sidekick. Just like he does with Sarah Michelle Gellar Jack Bauer.
"I don't think. Tim."
Lisa / Heidi (Tool Time Girl) – Rosie Jones. Google Image Search her. You’ll understand.
"Forget everybody else. Do you know what time it is?"
Wilson Wilson, Jr. – The notoriously hidden Tiger Woods would be great as the vessel of sagely advice. Plus, he’d introduce diversity into a show that supposedly took place in Detroit.
When Weezer hit the music scene waaaay back in 1994, bassist Matt Sharp decided to work on a little side project called The Rentals (he would ultimately leave Rivers Cuomo and gang after the release of their second album, Pinkerton).
So here’s the thing I could never remember, and hopefully will forever remember now that’s it’s transcribed in blog-form…
The spinoff band was The Rentals, and notPlacebo.
It might not seem like a big deal to you, the casual reader, especially since I already mentioned the revelation in the first paragraph. But I always remembered the song, Friends of P (which I actually remembered as Friends with P), and I think the similar lyrics in Placebo’s Pure Morning meshed in my mind to cause the perpetual confusion. (I also blame my supposed friend P.)
Friends of P lyrics:
If you’re friends with P.
Well, then you’re friends with me
If you’re down with P.
Well, then you’re down with me
Pure Morning lyrics:
A friend in needs a friend indeed,
A friend with weed is better,
A friend with breasts and all the rest,
A friend who’s dressed in leather
Homey don't... work anymore "My Wife & Kids" went off the air.
One day at lunch, a discussion occurred that revolved around how Saturday Night Live characters had their own movies, but In Living Color did not. We threw around Actor! names and characters, and it was decided that Damon Wayans’Homey D. Clownmight have the best shot at a movie.
But I disagreed.
Clown movies have never done well at the box office (by my summation). Here are the ones I could think of…
This early production by Kevin Smith covered a lot of dark themes, such as clown stripping, clown rape, clown vengeance, and attempted clown murder. Well, I don’t know if those are themes for sure, but they’re indeed dark.
Actor!Bobcat Goldthwait wrote, directed, and starred in this film about an alcoholic clown. He eventually would follow this one up with a film about a woman that had sex with her dog. Moving on…
Director Victor Salva went to prison for molesting his child star in this film. I mean, he didn’t do it in this film. It happened behind the scenes. But not necessarily on the sets. Once again, moving on…
I'm not afraid of clowns, per se, but aliens - yikes!
Of the first four films on this list, there’s a good chance this is the only movie you’ve seen or at least know exists. That still doesn’t make it a success. Everybody’s heard of Sarah Palin, too. (BONUS PARTISAN POLITICAL BURN!)
Now we’re getting into some well-known movies. This John Candy classic is on the list mainly because it possibly inspired Bobcat’s Shakes (as well as giant pancakes… why am I so hungry all of a sudden).
Apropos of nothing, John Leguizamo also starred in "The Pest"
This comic book character brought to life on celluloid isn’t as scary as he is gross. Speaking of gross, remember how gross the CGI was in this film? Relive the horror here.
This televised miniseries based on Stephen King’s book is well-known for being the source of many twenty-somethings fear of clowns. Also, did you know that in the book, well, I’ll let the very cool TVtropes fill you in:
Beverly Marsh has sex with the other members of the Losers Club (all six of them, one after the other, in a sewer) in order to re-forge the connection between them after defeating IT as pre-teens. It’s supposed to be a metaphor for moving from childhood to adulthood, but triggered many readers’ Squick.
With or without makeup, the leader of his so-called family sure can give Leatherface’s brood a run for the money. And leave me running for the hills have eyes.
These guys are arguable as clowns. Why? Well Jigsaw’s a marionette, Beetlejuice is the self-proclaimed “ghost with the most,” and The Joker… well… yeah, he’s a clown.
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