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Drunken Recollection… Concrete Jungle Where Drinks Are Made Of

Posted on April 27, 2010 by sgottahurt

Now that I’m clean-shaven and no longer look like this:

The bird is the word.

Or this:

I must admit, I missed my face. I went through one day of phantom beard, but that was it. I should mention my regret for removing the season-long Red Wings hockey beard on the first day of the Stanley Cup playoffs, but in order to fly to NYC without hassle, it seemed worth the hassle. (Thank goatee they’re advancing to Round 2!)

Anysubway, I won’t bore you with the details. All the details. Just some of them.

Jay was Hitting One Liners Out of the Park

"Take me out to the ballgame, take me out to the crowd that wanted to beat up a guy for wearing a Mets' cap..."

On Friday, we headed to Yankee Stadium to see two of our beloved ex-Tigers play (Curtis Granderson and, um, Marcus Thames), and all day, my buddy Jay was calling ’em like he saw ’em.

Some of things he said that were actually documented:

I need to stop calling these trips vacations and start calling them work out retreats.

If I owned that shirt it’d be my third favorite shirt.

Hey I’m paying twenty bucks to look at empty stages tomorrow.

Steve: Who sings ‘I Can See Clearly Now the Rain is Gone?’
Jay: Ke$ha.

What are you? A garbophobe?

It’s getting all Wendy’s up in here! [This one was mine. – Ed.]

“It’s Getting All Wendy’s Up in Here!”

I wish I had photos as proof, but Wendy’s in Midtown is, simply put, insane. I don’t think it was an isolated incident either. The show Ugly Americans even gave a shout out to it.

At any rate, the breakdown of events (this all happened within fifteen minutes):

Some one threw their filled drink in the air.
A sober girl was trying to get a trashed girl up the stairs.
Steve slipped on the spilled drink and dropped everything but his drink.
Chris tripped down some stairs while holding only the top bun covered in its toppings. (He wanted a plain one.)
Somebody left a strange package on one of the tables. (I checked what it was, damned if I remember.)
A person kept screaming about how he wanted to kill everyone, and no one reacted.

I don’t know. It seemed much crazier when I was trashed.

I’m So Proud of Myself for Something Not Proud

This photo's fuzziness doesn't even come close to my eyes' fuzziness that night.

On Saturday, we found a bar called No Idea and like the bar’s name, we had no idea what was in store (hee!). We stopped here after not getting to play ping-pong at Susan Sarandon’s Spin because they were closing for a private party.

BONUS JAY QUOTE!

Here I was under the impression none of us played ping-pong.

The plan was this: kick back a few cheap drinks, make our way to bar hop in East Village, and finally check out P.D.T.’s in Crif Dogs (our missed mission from last year). Let’s just say that plan’s quickly becoming an annual tradition.

As soon as the drinks kept flowing (courtesy of an all-you-can-drink party), the remainder of the night became a blur.

Oh yeah – my proud moment… I threw up and quickly returned to drink more. I never knew I had it in me to do that!

The Drunk Idea of the Trip

Andrew Dice Clay’s reality show should have been called Rollin’ with Dice. I was going to make a graphic, but fuck it (heehee!).

Happy Find… Micro Mike Rowe

Posted on April 26, 2010 by sgottahurt

Eye Spy

Sorry, but mentioning this Happy Find sort of feels like nepotism… like something that belongs on STFU, Parents… or like one of those situations where parents make their kids put on performances.

A reenactment:

Parent – “Show them what you can do, honey?”
Child – “I don’t wanna.”
Parent – “But everyone’s waiting…”
Parent’s Friend that’s either drunk, brutally honest, or both (usually me) – “I’m not.”

Allow me to present to you my side project:

Micro Mike Rowe

If you don’t know Mike Rowe by appearance, you most likely know his voice. Not only is he the voice of most Discovery Channel shows, he’s also the guy telling you to try a Ford.

Anywhoring, I’m having fun making the photos, and I wanted to share them with you.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Sleeping Options

Posted on April 25, 2010 by sgottahurt

This is a situation where the object under the microscope isn’t necessarily a great thing that has deteriorated from awesomeness. It’s a series of sleeping options that start off as, well, The Shit, and quickly nosedive into Just Shitty.

On the complimentary side of the synonym for doo-doo comes this (via Treehugger):

And you thought blankets with sleeves were innovative...

According to inventor, Buckminster Fuller, the sleepsuit is a

transportable and adjustable cocoon that allows for constant air flow in a variety of different positions and environments.

Stages of Metamorphositsdown

Works for me. Something that doesn’t work for me? This offering from Japan:

Slippers are optional, I guess.

Here are some thoughts about the above product:

If I’m using a sleeping bag, I’m usually camping.
If I’m camping, and I’m in my sleeping bag, the only time I get up is to use the bathroom.
…
Open feet and separated legs aren’t much help in that department.
And if you add arms to the sleeping bag, you’re in a snowsuit.
(The only advantage to having separated legs – fleeing a bear.)
(The only other advantage – kicking a tent invader.)

The last thing at the pejorative end of caca and its ilk (via Nerd Approved):

What happens when you drool?

Is this dumb or what? How can one night stands disappear guilt-free after peeling their cheek away from one of these pillows? It begs for scribbled excuses, and that prolongs the awkwardness of the morning. What if he or she wakes up? What if you mistakenly promise you’ll call?

I guess you could just write, “Stepped out for cigarettes.”

Or better yet – “Here’s a story for Post(It)Secret.”

Worth 1002 Words… Wolverines Playing Poker Edition

Posted on April 24, 2010 by sgottahurt

3-Claw Poker

Some alternates:

Alpha Flush
Logan’s Rum
Ante Antium
Weapon Salsa

(via Robot6)

A Handful Of… Companies That Could Go Back To The Drawing Board

Posted on April 23, 2010 by sgottahurt

This might be two handfuls worth of companies that could use some help in their advertising departments, but nonetheless – they should rethink their business plans.

1) Toyota has had some issues with vehicles not stopping. Vehicles not stopping has led to some… let’s just say, people going to heaven. Heaven is in the clouds last time I checked:

2) Happy’s Pizza is a chain here in Detroit. “Happy” looks a bit too happy in their ad. So is that a hot pizza in his hands, or is it a… (should I beat around the bush, or should I be blunt?)

3) Universal Technical Institute is what it is. UTI.edu is not.

4) This product no longer exists for a reason:

5) First Check Home Drug Test sounds like a serious product. The radio commercial doesn’t.

6) Eloquence is not my strong suit, so check out Sociological Images’ take on this toy:

7) Does anyone know what Delsym is for without checking?

8) Does anyone even eat at Max and Erma’s?

9) Should a child’s snack be named Gushers? Or am I wrong for asking that?

10) ‘Nuff said:

Hibbidy-Wah?! This Is Barely A Spoof

Posted on April 22, 2010 by sgottahurt

I recently learned you’re not supposed to eat more than 2000 calories a day. Apparently, this is why there has been all the hoo-hah about calories for yearrrrssss…

The only reason I bring this up is to illustrate the decreasing speed of my learning curve. I already brought up a Saturday Night Live skit recently, but the mere fact that I was out of the loop (again!) is killing me!

I thought this fake commercial was inspired by the scare-tactic style of old Brinks Security commercials. I thought Broadview Security was a clever, mock name (because they view broads, you see). Check it out here:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “Hibbidy-Wah?! This Is Barely A Spoof“, posted with vodpod

Imagine my surprise when this was revealed to me (man, AJ is an a-hole!):

For other unintentionally funny scares, click each of the names below (FYI – the above vid is entitled “The House Party”… because he was a kid looking for play, I guess):

“The Ex” – “First Date” – “Backyard” – “Treadmill” – “New Home” – “Wrong Door”

So, Duh! Pop Quiz… Musician Names As Things Edition

Posted on April 21, 2010 by sgottahurt

(Not So) Artistic Representation

This edition is a free-for-all. Mostly because the letters and numbers deal-i-o gets to be a bit much.

Basically, you’re going to look at this giant JPG and name which artist is represented by each image. It will be their last name, or their entire name, but it’s right there in the picture. Some are super easy; some are obscure; some are pushing it.

They are all solo artists, at one point or another. As one parting example, the above graphic is of POP (if you’re in the Midwest, at least)… POP = IGGY POP… Enjoy!

(Answers after the jump) Read More

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? This Is No Longer A Coinkydink, Right?

Posted on April 20, 2010 by sgottahurt

I once drunkenly questioned the intentions of a skit on Saturday Night Live, and wondered whether the bit was spoofing the Insane Clown Posse or not.

This occurred on the last episode hosted by Ryan Phillippe, and I can’t stop laughing about it:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Then I found out about this, and I can’t stop laughing about it more:

My Drunken Recollection has been proven, right? I wish I had seen these videos in the opposite order, but oh well. Just add it to the list of magical mysteries, under blankets and magnets…

In My Brain While Sleeping… Taylor Swift Returns To SNL (And I Suggest A Skit!)

Posted on April 19, 2010 by sgottahurt

(I had this dream before I recently revisited New York. That trip will be an upcoming tale I’m sure you will care less about than this trip. You most likely don’t even care about this thing that happened In My Brain While Sleeping, and I’ve already lost you. Have I lost you? No…? I guess if I lost you before reading this, you would have no idea I even cared that you were gone. Because I do. It helps my hit counter. But I guess it counts as a hit whether you keep reading or not, so moving on…)

*Le sigh*

In this dream, singer (and now Actor!) Taylor Swift was making her second appearance on Saturday Night Live.

I was in the audience and a participant of the Try Out as a Comedy Writer Program.

I suggested a skit, and the producers ran with it.

The concept was this: Swift was trying to sell a baby on the black market to none other than Kristen Wiig (she’s like in every skit).

The lovely chanteuse messed up line the punchline about taking the baby for one million dollars, instead of selling.

Wiig’s character finally agrees, and Swift hands the baby over. But the catch is that the infant has a tail (like that one baby in India), but it’s more like a boa.