In Defense Of… Ashton Kutcher

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is only my third In Defense Of post, so I haven’t fully developed my method of argument.  But wait.  I don’t really have a method for anything on this site.  Moving on…

This time I want to come to Ashton Kutcher’s defense.  Is he in need of arguments for him?  Are you really asking that?

Dude, you're not helping.

REASONS WHY PEOPLE HATE DON’T LIKE HIM

  1. Punk’d. He introduced not only this show, but this word, into the lexicon.  Kiss “Smile! You’re on Candid Camera!” goodbye forever.
  2. He made shitty movies.  Where to begin.  Um, Just Married, My Boss’s Daughter, Guess Who, A Lot Like Love, The Guardian, What Happens in Vegas, Spread, Valentine’s Day, and Killers.
  3. He’s replacing Charlie Sheen on “Two and a Half Men”.  It’s not so much that he’s replacing Charlie Sheen… it’s that he’s helping Two and a Half Men stay on the air!

REASONS WHY I’M DEFENDING HIM

  1. He was great as Kelso on “That 70’s Show”.  In character, he once deadpanned this line to Jackie (Mila Kunis), in regard to jellybeans: “I ate all the white ones ’cause I know you don’t like things that taste white!”  Classic.
  2. He made some enjoyable movies.  Love ’em or leave ’em, I really liked Dude, Where’s My Car! and the director’s cut of The Butterfly Effect.  Dude, he strangled himself with an umbilical cord in the womb!
  3. He’s produced some enjoyable TV.  I wish I would have watched more of Beauty and the Geek, I’m sad there weren’t more episodes of Miss Guided, and I hope there’s another season of True Beauty.
  4. He’s married to Demi Moore.  Sure, she doesn’t look like (click here) anymore, but still…
  5. This guy doesn’t seem to mind him, and that’s all right by me:

Or they like to smile when they fight. Either way.

So in closing, that’s five good reasons to defend him, over three reasons to hate on him.  As one of the original Two Men once said over and over and over again, “Winning!”

Hibbidy-Wah?! I Might Want To Help Her Start Making Grandbabies

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve looked high and I’ve looked low, and lo and behold, there she was on the TripleDoubleU…

(SIDENOTE: I really want to get that mask…)

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Day-O-Gimme-A-Break

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is a true Coinkydonk or Coinkydonk because it is a coincidence… or not.

Both Lil Wayne and  Jason Derulo have recently released new singles that sample the same song!  Sure, it’s different parts of the delightful ditty, Harry Belafonte’s Day-O, also known as The Banana Boat Song from Beetlejuice, but still.

  • Lil Wayne’s 6 Foot 7 Foot
  • Jason Derulo’s Don’t Wanna Go Home

Derulo’s song also heavily samples a song by Robin S. called Show Me Love:

Which incidentally happens to share the same name, Show Me Love, as a song by a Swedish pop star named… Robyn:

In closing, doesn’t Lil Wayne bear an uncanny resemblance to Howard Stern semi-regular, Beetlejuice?

"Weezy and the Beet"

Awful Battle…. Pet Peeves, As Demonstrated By Pets

Posted on by sgottahurt

I haven’t tried being “clever” in a while, so why start now.  I’ve been meaning to compose this list for quite some time (so long that one of them isn’t as much of a concern anymore), so without further adieu, here’s my Awful Battle of some of my biggest pet peeves, as demonstrated by pets:

  • Glass bottles left  in parking lots…

He had a ruff night.

…really drive me up the wall.  I’m not a fan of pollution in general, but empty beer and juice bottles are the worst.  Even though I’m not too sure modern bottles can puncture modern tires.

  • Tailgating and braking too close…

The carriage bumper sticker reads, "If you can read this, you're a smart ass."

…is not only dangerous, it’s stupid.  Especially if there are other lanes.  Get in the other lane!

  • No hand washing after a bathroom break…

Cat-astrophe!

…is disgusting.  Anyone that argues otherwise… is disgusting.

  • Smoking under table…

Coincidentally, this dog's name is Doobie.

…luckily doesn’t happen any more, at least in Michigan.  This was my old puff peeve, but since there’s no smoking in bars, I don’t have to worry about super-smelly jeans anymore.

  • Different gas prices for cash and credit…

Polly wants a fucking break.

…and having to enter zip codes could be called my pump peeves.  Sorry.  This Awful Battle is almost over…

  • Girls that wear pajama pants and snow shoes at bar…

I can't stay mad anymore.

…awwwww, this one doesn’t bother me as much for now.  Ask me again in the winter.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Sexy Beer Ads

Posted on by sgottahurt

Sexism in beer advertising just ain’t what it used to be.

Remember when beer ads had scantily clad women in barely there bikinis, rubbing icy cold bottles of the devil’s brew up and down their glistening– wait, there never were commercials like this?!

Take a look at the latest offering from Miller Lite and tell me if it’s sexy or not:

Well okay sure, the ladies are hot.  And there’s nothing wrong with beautiful girls in full-body blue bathing suits tackling a man in a convenience shop.  But I can’t help but wonder what these kind of commercials would be like if the censors weren’t watching.  I’m not talking XXX territory either, just a racier ad.

After all, isn’t this an ad campaign aimed at guys?  Guys that the MillerCoors Brewing Company want to drink their light beer? Or is that what this boils down to.  Perhaps a manlier beer deserves a manlier campaign:

I’d rather stay thirsty my friends, than gather Taste Points…

…even though I prefer to drink Miller Lite over Dos Equis.
But that’s mostly because I’m cheap frugal!

A Handful Of… Seriously Bad Ideas

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve lived my life in a bubble, and I’ve enjoyed it for the most part.  The fun part about being in a bubble is you can still see outside, except your outlook is swirled and soapy.  Sometimes that bubble pops though, and I use the remaining suds to wash my eyes out.  These are some vision scrubbers.

We’ll start out small, with a product I never knew existed (as it should have remained).

  • ITEM ONE: A product called NYDJ for short… and Not Your Daughter’s Jeans for long…

It reminds me of this classic, butt in real-life (moved it to after the jump because of auto-starting).

I’ve heard of the game, and I know people who have played it, but I always thought it was something impromptu… like LARPing.  But then I saw one of these in a park near work:

Oh. It's real. Real serious.

In effect, this:

  • ITEM FOUR: “Maggie the Maggot” from Galaxy of Terror

This is definitely the worst of the bunch, and since it’s not safe for work life, I’ll let you follow-up on it here.

(SIDENOTE: To cleanse the mental palate, watch this dog being a dog with a bad idea.)

Read More

JusWondering… What Is Jumping The Broom?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Anybody hear about this movie called Jumping the Broom?

This Summer, Learn a New Term!

Anybody hear of the phrase jumping the broom?

Well, apparently it’s

a phrase and custom relating to wedding ceremonies practiced in Wales, by Romani people (better known as “Gypsies”), in some African-American communities, and by other groups.

That I could have garnered from the poster.  What else ya got, Wikipedia?

In Wales, Romani (Gypsy) couples would get married by eloping together, when they would “jump the broom,” or over a branch of flowering broom or a besom made of broom…

…In some African-American communities, marrying couples will end their ceremony by jumping over a broomstick, either together or separately. This practice dates back at least to the 19th century and has enjoyed a 20th century revival largely due to the miniseries Roots.

Sooooo (how many o’s are enough?) it has ties to slave times.  And the question of which culture the practice originated from is still up for debate.  Ummmmm (how many m’s are enough?) that’s an interesting title… and I learned something today, sooooo there’s that…

Kthxbai!

Drunken Recollection… Oh, The Things We Believe When We’re Sober

Posted on by sgottahurt

On three occasions from three different friends I was asked about the validity of each of these videos.  I think on some level, in each situation, my friends knew these weren’t real or true.  But on another, perhaps spiritual, level, they wanted these to be real or true.  Why?  Well, I get the second one, but the others?  No thanks.

  • Alien Captured in Brazil

My friend Jess brought this video up, knowing full well how I feel about aliens, and by the time I finally mustered the sauce to catch up on it (see what I did there?), fear did not overcome me.  Not even a little.  That translates to: FAKE.


This one was a surprise to hear.  My friend that shall go unnamed – not for protection, but for annoyance purposes – thought petite lap giraffes were real.  They were in Comcast commercials.  Not Animal Planet.  Unless it was a Comcast commercial on Animal Planet.

  • Doomsday Scenario – Brown Dwarf Star Edition

Don’t watch the video unless you want to be tortured prior to our inevitable demise.  My friend Jason likes bringing this one up, plus all the updates and refutations he’s found.  He’s new to the TripleDoubleU, so I forgive him.  This gist is this:

By September of this year, we’re all gonna die.

The gist of my response to that is this:

Keep on drinking!

Happy Find… Talking Animals

Posted on by sgottahurt

You’ve probably seen this already, but I still think it’s well-done… like a steak, covered in bacon, and cheese sauce… that I gave to the neighbor’s dog!

The other stuff by Talking Animals (Klaatu42) is hit or miss:

HIT:

HIT:

MISS: