Unofficial Trilogy… Cartoonish Nazi Bashing Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

I know you’ve seen these, but I implore you to watch them again.

Fun times in not-so-(Nazi?)-fun times

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Raiders of the Lost Ark might be critically regarded as the best of the Indy films, but I was fourteen when Indy went on his supposedly Last Crusade and it’s my favorite.  I’m not a huge movie quote-spouter regularly, but with this film (and Ghostbusters), I can whip out (ha!) more than a few.  And don’t forget Sean Connery!  Plus Hitler signing the Grail Diary!  This film belongs in a museum.

The Rocketeer

One of my all-time favorite episodes of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe was when there was a bad guy so bad that He-Man and Skeletor teamed up to save Eternia.  Aside from the happy heroics and the happier soundtrack, this film does the same – the Rocketeer teams up with mobsters to fight Nazis!  America, fuck yeah!

Inglourious Basterds

This film seemed to be the most fun Brad Pitt had since Snatch (take that whatever way you want).  We get not only exposed to one of the greatest film villains of all-time in Chistoph Waltz’s Colonel Hans Landa, we are treated to an early glimpse of the greatness that is Michael Fassbender/Magneto.  Bonus: Mike Myers isn’t playing Shrek!  We also get one more guest appearance from Hitler himself, but the Inglourious Basterds accomplish what Indy couldn’t, so once again… America, fuck yeah!

InASense, Lost… Did You Know These Were Naughty Band Names?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Musicians can be dirty people.  Everybody knows that.  (There’s an infamous story about how Kenny G once double-dipped his chip at a party… that’s where Seinfeld got the idea from.)

But did you know that they’re band names can be just as dirty?  (You don’t want to know what Yo-Yo Ma really means.)

Here are some visual “representations” of what certain band names (you’ve heard of) mean:

MALE THINGS

One-Eyed Willy from The Goonies is a likely euphemism for PENIS... never thought about it before, didja? Oh, you did? Pardon me.

Finger Eleven
Sex Pistols
Tool
Whitesnake

(SIDENOTE: I highly regret starting this post.)

10cc
Pearl Jam

FEMALE THINGS

This couch has a (insert euphemism for VAGINA).

Hole

SEX TOYS

What else can I say?

Steely Dan

This is one of the scariest things I've ever posted. Yet...

Goo Goo Dolls

SEX GAMES/POSITIONS

Connect the dots...

Scissor Sisters

Connect the dots further...

Limp Bizkit

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? A Doppelganger Double Banger!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Rob Dyrdek doesn’t seem like a bad guy.  He even seems to have plenty of unique ideas, as evidenced by his MTV show, Fantasy Factory.  But lately, I’m not so sure…

First, there was…

Wild Grinders and Super Mario

I know that Mario Mario (real name) doesn’t hold the patent on red and blue ensembles, but come on.  Dyrdek’s Nickelodeon cartoon based on his Wild Grinders toy line looks a lot like he who dons raccoon apparel to fly.

And then there was (or this might have been first)…

It's Ridiculousness how much Ridiculousness is like Tosh.0...

Let’s just remember, aside from skateboarding, Dyrdek got all his cash money from Rob & Big.

So is that a Coinkydink or Coinkydonk?

A Handful Of… Foods I Will Never Try

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m not an adventurous sort when it involves my taste buds… which is a terrible way to put I don’t like a lot of different foods.  So this post won’t include anything “shocking” unless you consider #4 unsettling.

Here it is!  The short list you’ve been dying for!  A Handful Of Foods I Will Never Try!

1) BANANA SPLIT

The sexual innuendos are innumerable.

What’s wrong with a banana split?  Sure, I enjoy (most) flavors of ice cream and whip cream, and though I’m no fan of cherries, they can easily be removed.  What’s wrong with a banana split?  The banana!

2) OCTOPUS

I tried to find the most appetizing presentation to be fair. This won. And lost.

I’m no fan of seafood (nor mollusks), but I have tried:

  • shrimp (gross)
  • lobster (gross)
  • escargot (not bad, but once was enough)
  • sushi (not bad – could try again)

I draw the line at octopi.  You could say it’s a Red Wings thing.

3) JELLIED PIG’S FEET

Only thing worse: Jello'd Pig's Feet

This shouldn’t be on this list because it’s obvious, and could be tied into #4, but it’s made the list because IT’S BEEN OFFERED TO ME.  IN PERSON.  AT A FRIEND’S HOME.  (When we were kids, but still…)

4) ANYTHING FROM REALITY SHOWS

See also: Survivor Chow

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or Joe Rogan) to deduce that I would not try anything people eat out of necessity in desolate countries and trick foreigners into eating by dubbing it a local delicacy.

(SIDENOTE: Welcome back, Fear Factor!  And Joe Rogan!)

5) McRib

The modern Halley's Comet.

Food items this has that I don’t like:

  • Barbecue sauce – check
  • Onion slices – check
  • Pickles slices – check
  • Rubbery, pressed meat product – check

Musical Musings… Songs With Same Titles That Are Totally Different

Posted on by sgottahurt

Incubus has a new(er) song out now called Promises, Promises.  I rather enjoy it, in spite of the perceived content.  (It seems to be about a 23-year-old groupie that wants to bang the band, and lead-singer Brandon Boyd appears to have some reservations about that.)

Here’s the vid:

The title in turn reminded me of this gem from the 80’s – Naked Eyes’ Promises Promises.

It’s just about a girl that doesn’t keep promises:

So I started thinking about other songs that shared titles that were about noticeably different things.

TLC’s song examines the many facets of cheating, or creeping around; as for the other, it appears that Thom Yorke thinks of himself as a creep… and possibly a stalker?

Kris Kross merely wants to make people perform the act of jumping because, as they put it, they’re not just some bad little fad; in the case of Van Halen, I just think David Lee Roth wants to jump because he might as well.

P!nk’s ode to emptiness (I really should refuse to write her name this way) is a bit ambiguous – the video (which you can see by clicking her name above) appears to be about the act of self-pleasure, but the lyrics reflect more of a… ah, I’m just gonna pretend they’re about masturbation, too; in regard to Tool’s screeching hymn, it might really be about the battle to stay sober in the face of alcoholism (or addiction in general).

The version by Ghostface Killah (I just “got” his name) is about sex, of course, and about what results from that matter of course; Justin Bieber is probably glad his version is not about an actual baby, in light of his recent (bogus) paternity suit – but it’s still ultimately about sex… or at least what P!nk Pink sang about.

JusWondering… Why Did I Stop Watching These TV Sitcoms?

Posted on by sgottahurt

cosby show that 70's show who's the boss roseanne boy meets world home improvement malcolm in the middle

T.G.I.Must.C.U.L8R.TV.

It’s weird that throughout my life there were so many shows I was at one point all about, then one day suddenly, I was none about.

Let’s examine this collection of programs that I enjoyed watched weekly until I didn’t:

THE FAMILY SHOWS

I watched all seven seasons of both Family Ties (when Andy was long in the tooth and Nick was out-moron-ing Mallory) and Growing Pains (Leo DiCaprio as a homeless kid ring any bells?), and I’m pretty sure I stuck through all eight seasons of Full House for some reason (when it really was a full house after Uncle Jesse and Becky had twins).

These… I didn’t:

  • The Cosby Show (’84-’92)
  • Who’s the Boss? (’84-’92)
  • Roseanne (’88-’97)
  • Home Improvement (’91-’99)
  • Boy Meets World (’93-’00)
  • That 70’s Show (’98-’06)
  • Malcolm in the Middle (’00-’06)

What’s odd is that most of these shows made it to eight seasons, just like The Office has this year.  If I didn’t haven’t my Parks and Recreation and Community, I might have given up on what’s hopefully The Office’s last season.  So why did I stop watching those shows?  Outgrowing them is the likely culprit, but it could be cast and concept changes.

THE OFFBEAT SITCOMS

These are the shows I simply stopped because I wasn’t feelin’ it any more (or main characters were killed in real life – RIP Phil Hartman):

  • My Name is Earl (changed story focus)
  • Grounded for Life (changed format)
  • Titus (got dark)
  • Newsradio (see above)
  • Just Shoot Me (got boring? I don’t remember…)
  • Reno 911! (the movie turned me off)
  • Scrubs (season 9 sucked)

THE OBVIOUS QUITS I SHOULD HAVE QUIT MUCH EARLIER

  • Frasier
  • Mad About You
  • The Drew Carey Show
  • Dharma and Greg
  • Coach

And of course, there’s…

THE KING OF SHOWS I STOPPED WATCHING

  • The Simpsons

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… To All The Songs I’ve Had Crushes To Before

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s been awhile since I’ve felt this way… Le sigh…

Life is incredible when there’s music.  Songs can take you back to summers past, moments lost.  They can also take you back to former crushes, loves lost.  Here’s a collection of tunes through the years that still remind me of certain people.

I could go into specifics, or share stories, but I’m behind on blogging, so the music will have to speak for itself:

  • Janet Jackson’s When I Think Of You
  • Boy Meets Girl’s Waiting For a Star to Fall
  • Vertical Horizon’s Everything You Want
  • Lifehouse’s Hanging by a Moment

Wow… either my drinking has erased everything since the year 2000 (and possibly in between these), or I’ve gotten away from theme song crushes.

If I think of more, I’ll post them in the comments.

Not that you care.

Not that anybody cared…

Le sigh, again…

In My Brain While Sleeping… Priorities In Regard To Sharks And iPhones

Posted on by sgottahurt

This dream, I’m not proud of.

Family is supposed to come first.  Always.

All of us (whoever the us was at least included my brother and my mother) were staying at an island beach resort, sort of like this one:

Ah, it's like a screensaver.

But then, as it often happens in dreams, sharks appeared.  It was kind of like this:

(Not So) Artistic Representation

The sharks were of every variety, and they could also crawl on land!  Like some kind of fish/mammal hybrid.  (You’d think there was a word for some kind of creature that could exist on land and in the sea…)

A great white shark cornered my brother.  It clamped down on his leg as he kicked at it and started dragging him away like an alligator would.  My mother screamed for me to help him, which I immediately did – until I stopped myself.  I hurried back inside to put this on the counter:

Yup. My brand new iPhone 4S.

I ultimately caught up to the shark before he could reach the water and saved my brother.  So win-win.

(SIDENOTE: For the record, I called to apologize to my brother the next day.)

Awesome Battle… Nathan Fillion Vs. Brendan Fraser

Posted on by sgottahurt

Wanna bet Brendan Fraser is jealous of Nathan Fillion because he’s what Fraser always wanted to be?  Let’s check out the comparisons…

Fraser: "Bring it!" Fillion: "It's brung..."

NATIONALITY

Fillion was born in Edmonton and remains Canadian; Fraser was born in Indianapolis and later would move to Ottawa and Toronto.

POINT: Fillion, for sticking to his maple leaf logo guns.

BREAKING INTO HOLLYWOOD

Fraser’s first major role was as an unfrozen caveman in Encino Man; Fillion starred as a cast regular on the ABC soap opera One Life to Live.  (He should have been on this list.)

POINT: It’s a wash.

CAREER HIGHS

Fraser was in the critically acclaimed Gods and Monsters, the Academy Award-winning(ly bad) Crash, and the monetarily successful Mummy trilogy; Fillion was in Steven Spielberg’s Saving Private Ryan (as the wrong Private Ryan) and Firefly/Serenity.

POINT: Fillion.

CAREER LOWS

Let’s see… for Fraser, where do you begin: Airheads, George of the Jungle, Blast from the Past, Dudley Do-Right, Monkeybone, Journey to the Center of the Earth, and Furry Vengeance; for Fillion, you have just Blast from the Past?

POINT: Fillion.

CURRENT PROJECTS

Fillion is already into season four of the hit (?) ABC show Castle; Fraser is set to appear as Vanessa Hudgens’ absentee father in a flick named after a Rolling Stones song.

POINT: Another wash, as I don’t watch either.

But my POINT is this:

Although Brendan Fraser has appeared in way more movies, a fair amount of which were even successful, and Nathan Fillion has had to muddle his way through plenty of failed TV shows to get to this one… Fraser would fetch Fillion’s fervent fan base in freaking flash!  Alliteration!