The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… A Ranking Of Famous Sean’s

Posted on by sgottahurt

Hi, I’m Sean.  This is my blog.  This post is about other people named Sean (spelled the right way) that have done more than write a stupid little blog.  Some of them I consider The Shit; some of them are Just Shitty; most fall somewhere in between.  Here’s how they fall in my rankings:

THE SHIT

Seans Connery, Combs, and Bean

Why are these three Seans ranked so high?  Let’s see… one was Boromir in The Lord of the Rings and a James Bond villain (plus supposedly fantastic in HBO’s Game of Thrones), one was the original James Bond and Indiana Jones’ father (who has since quit Hollywood), and one is a bad boy for life.

Nuff said.

JUST SHY OF THE SHIT

Seans Penn and Astin

Sean Penn has had a hell of an interesting career and life…  He’s been fantastic as an Actor! (Mystic River, Milk) and as a director (The Crossing Guard, Into the Wild); he was married to Madonna back at the height of her career and Robin Wright back when I had a crush on her back in Toys and Forrest Gump.  So why isn’t he considered The Shit?  He also got to bang Scarlett Johansson.  Screw him.  He gets #2 on my list of #2’s.

As for Sean Astin?
Pros: The Goonies, Toy Soldiers, and The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Cons: Encino Man and Rudy.  Fuck Rudy.

NEITHER THE SHIT NOR SHITTY

Seans Hayes and Patrick Flanery

Sean Hayes played the zany comic foil to the straight (gay) man in Will and Grace well, and he started a reality TV show to find a new scripted show (which flopped); now he co-produces NBC’s Grimm and TV Land’s Hot in Cleveland, so there’s that.

Sean Patrick Flanery was one of The Boondock Saints (which is a little overrated in my opinion), and he also played Indiana Jones, so there’s that.  Neither is either.

CRAPPY

Sean Young and Big Sean

I used to really want to see Sean Young naked; now I really want to see Paget Brewster naked (she looks like the upgraded version of her… plus, I fear I’ve said too much).

As for Big Sean, do I really need to remind you of his contribution to society?

—————————————————————————————————

And now the drumroll please… what, there’s no drumroll?!

JUST SHITTY

Sean Hannity: a man of so many emotions, shirts

This smug bastard doesn’t even know how to smile like a human being!  Go ahead and do an image search!  He always looks like the turd that he is!  Why couldn’t he have spelled his name like Seann William Scott so he would have never made it on here!  I’d much rather have ranked Shawn Carter (Jay-Z) or Shaun White if their parents knew what all the parents of the people above knew–

–how to spell Sean!

Degrees Of Happy Finds

Posted on by sgottahurt

The Wonder Bread Years

There are degrees to which I get happy about my Happy Finds.

For websites such as Celebrity School Pics, it makes me more sad than happy to find out they have a section devoted to porn stars… so this non-charting Happy Find would be a Meh Find.

Then there are sites like Bread People that entertain me, but not for long, like a pita roll compared to a baguette, so they merit the most generic of Happy Finds.  What else could set the bar other than bread humor?

Memba this?

Pica Pic can be considered an Excited Happy Find because sites like it provide unlimited interactivity… until you get bored with its unlimited interactivity.  There’s a reason Nintendo stopped making Game & Watch… and most recently it’s called the 3DS.

The last level of Happy Find is the Ultimate Happy Find.  It usually ends up relating to a site full of videos, and tends to be updated somewhat regularly.  It likely has misses, but there are enough hits to keep you coming back.  One example might be Bad Lip Reading.  Check out this sample:

Hibbidy-Wah?! There’s Fake And Then There’s FAKE

Posted on by sgottahurt

This, of course, is fake (but spot on):

As for this TV spot previewing The Darkest Hour, keep a lookout for this guy at the 0:15 mark:

No, that is not a hula hoop around him.

Is that Max Headroom, or a waxy-faced man who doesn’t know how to run natural?  Here’s the commercial:

BONUS (MAYBE) FAKE!

In this ad for eHarmony, do we really believe Jon?  No guy really doesn’t want to be single that bad… plus, I only think about 1 in 10 guys roll their eyes upward when counting to the number two:

Worth 1002 Words… The Infantata From American Horror Story Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

What The--?!

Some alternates:

  • Eff That!
  • Hoozie? Wutzee?!
  • Jiminy Crickets!
  • Hibbidy-Wah?!
  • Pooped M’Pants…

(via)

Drunken Recollection… Someone Else’s Insight

Posted on by sgottahurt

I didn’t compose this graphic – my cousin Steve did.  It pertains to, well, a lot about life, and I find it brilliant:

(Not So) Artistic Representation (Not Done By Me)

My favorite is:

…being far from sea level…

Unofficial Trilogy… B-Movies With B+ Endings

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is an Unofficial Trilogy I would never brag about, but I have to recommend.

One of these won't leave you feeling icky.

Galaxy of Terror

This Roger Corman classic is known primarily for three things:

  1. Joanie (Erin Moran) from Happy Days and Freddy Kruger (Robert Englund) are in it
  2. James Cameron (yes, that James Cameron) worked on this film’s special effects
  3. The worm scene

It’s because of #3 that I loathe to recommend it, but it’s story ended up impressing me slightly (because my expectations were so low).  Hence, the B+ ending.

The Toolbox Murders

This one starts off so stupid, I barely paid attention to it.  But there were two scenes that made me take notice:

  1. It contains Stephen King’s favorite death scene (Hint: it involves a nail gun.)
  2. The conversation between the kidnapped girl and the killer… is better than this film as a whole.

Group those in with the ending, and I say, it’s kind of worth watching if you like stupid slasher films.

Brotherhood

This is the respectable one in the bunch.  It’s about a fraternity prank that goes very wrong,  similar Very Bad Things.  It’s fairly believable, and it ratchets up the tension quite well.  Then there’s the ending!  Use this one as a palette cleanser.

In Defense Of… Some Of My Strange Sacred Cows

Posted on by sgottahurt

There are three things I’ve recently stumbled (or restumbled) upon that have bothered me.  If you would have asked me in advance if they would, I would have laughed at you and said:

I guess it’s possible.

Then I would have went back to my day.

Nonetheless, here they are, in no particular order:

  • At first. I was upset they made a sequel.  Then… I got really upset.

I’m not a fan of the film Hoosiers, but I recognize its place as a revered sports flick.  Maybe I need to see it again, but I remember seeing it during all the hoopla (pun!), and not thinking it was anything special.  So it took me by major surprise when I thought there was a sequel to the Gene Hackman classic, starring Matthew Perry instead.

It was called Hoosiers II: Senior Year.  My temper shot up the charts; how dare they, I cursed.

But then I found out it was a spoof preview that played at the ESPYS… and my anger didn’t subside:

IT’S SO FUCKING HORRIBLE I’D PREFER A SEQUEL!

  • I don’t think I’ll ever like Michelle Williams.

This is probably the best picture I've ever seen of her.

I can’t stand Michelle Williams.  I tolerate her, not only because she’s probably not leaving Hollywood any time soon, but because Heath Ledger had to see something in her (other than his baby).

I don’t find her disgusting, a terrible actress, or an awful human being.  So what causes this disdain?

Joey (Fucking) Potter

I loved Katie Holmes on Dawson’s Creek so much that it’s weird I can no longer stand her either (CRUISE! *shakes fist at the sky*)… you see, Williams played “the other girl,” Jen Lindley. whom Joey had to compete against for the affection of Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek), and I guess I can’t let that go.

(SIDENOTE: I should mention that I stopped watching the show pretty early on, although I know she and Pacey ended up together.  PACEY! *shakes fist at the sky*)

  • Please don’t let this become a trend.

You know how naming gimmicks come in waves… first there were commas:

Truly, Madly, Deeply / Girl, Interrupted / Definitely, Maybe

Now is it going to be four word titles?

Words! *shakes fist at the sky*

Martha Marcy May Marlene and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy are at the fourfront forefront of this impending trend.

Why can’t they use good ol’ commas, ampersands, articles, pronouns, and and’s like Blood, Guts, Bullets and Octane or The Cook, the Thief, His Wife, & Her Lover.  Even shorter lists do it, like Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels and Fast, Cheap & Out of Control.

Speaking of Martha Marcy May Marlene, did you know that Elizabeth Olsen is the younger sister of these two?

InASense, Lost… I-Dosing, Or “What’s Wrong With Kids These Days?”

Posted on by sgottahurt

Chances are pretty good that you haven’t heard of i-Dosing.  If you have, chances are better that you haven’t tried it.

Essentially, it amounts to numbskulls listening to this strange series of sounds (in most cases, the kids play Gates of Hades on their headphones).  By covering your eyes and hearing this track, the kids believe they’re experiencing a high similar to using cocaine or ecstasy.

Here’s a sample of a dipshit i-Dosing:

I planned on posting the actual noises produced during the course of Gates of Hades, but it was removed from YouTube and now sells on their actual website for $199.95… just like an actual pusher – at first it was free, but now you gotta pay.

In reality, it’s caused by playing binaural beats.  You can read about it here.  But if I know you – and I think I do – you’d rather watch a video about it hear here:

(SIDENOTE: Ha ha… you still had to read!)

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? We’re All Puppets In Some Way, I Guess

Posted on by sgottahurt

The Muppets and Stars and Guest Stars and Cameo Stars and a Building and Horizontal Blinds

I saw the new Muppets movie around Over-Indulgence Day, and something about its cast struck me as interesting on a Coinkydink or Coinkydonk level.

It occurred to me that cameo star John Krasinski (better only? known as Jim Halpert from The Office) has connections to three of the ladies in the film.

Johnny Be Good

In The Office, John Krasinski’s character dated both Amy Adams and Rashida Jones’ characters, and in real life he’s married to Emily Blunt (she played Miss Piggy’s receptionist in Paris).

So is he in it because they’re all in it, or, no – it wouldn’t work the other way…

That’s crazy, right?  It’s at least as crazy as Stephanie Courtney being in the Cavemen TV show:

You see, she was in a show based on GEICO characters, then she'd later be a character in Progressive ads. Talk about job insurance!

BONUS COINKYDINK OR COINKYDONK!

Disney’s Muppets:

Fozzie, wait for it...

Disney’s Puppets:

...okay, go for it! "Wocka, wocka, wocka!"

(SIDENOTE: Isn’t it weird that Miss Piggy is wearing the same outfit?)

Why the non-Muppets are puppets:

  1. Whoopi Goldberg is one of the hosts on The View which is on ABC… which is owned by Disney.
  2. Rico Rodriguez, or Manny from Modern Family, and it’s on ABC (see above).
  3. Selena Gomez was on Wizards of Wizardly Place, which was on The Disney Channel.

BONUS BONUS COINKYDINK OR COINKYDONK!

The last two movies I saw in the theater featured this guy, and he’s only been in like six twelve films:

The NPH

A Handful Of… The Video Games That Got Away

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s closing in on Gimme Gimme Day, and what better way to celebrate the joyous overconsumption and high-expectations of youth than to examine the video games I was never Given Given.

Here are A Handful Of… The Video Games That Got Away:

Ah, the good ol' days of 16-color EGA graphics...

Not what you’d expect to be first.  This came out back in the days of me playing the original Maniac Mansion and Zak McKracken and the Alien Mindbenders, but it was only available for Commodore 64.  I had an IBM-compatible.  To those not around at the time, that’s like wanting Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception, when all you have is the Wii.

I had a Sega Genesis, but I didn’t get the system when it was originally released with Altered Beast.  Then again, ToeJam and Earl was still released after that.  I’m not sure why I didn’t get this game.  All I know is that I wanted it.

Another nerdy PC game.  (It was available for DOS, but it looked fantastic on the Amiga.  So I wanted the Amiga.)  I didn’t even really play chess, but I guess I craved digitized violence.  Don’t be surprised if one day it’s revealed that this game paved the way for Mortal Kombat.  Speaking of kombat…

This was one of the two arcade fighting games I was good at (the other was Virtua Fighter), so when it was announced that there would be a version for the Super Nintendo, I was ecstatic.  Then I realized how people must have felt when Pac-Man was finally released for the Atari 2600…  Here’s the SNES commercial:

cavern of the evil wizard

"I get to be on top!"

This game might look familiar, although its name is not.  That’ sbecause you probably saw Tom Hanks playing it in the movie Big.  Sadly, TCOTEW never existed in the real world… until now.   Try it by clicking here.

Think of it as my early Gimme Gimme present for you.