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All I Want For Christmas Is… Parker Lewis Can’t Lose On DVD

Posted on December 15, 2008 by sgottahurt

I guess he can lose.

What. The. Fahrvergnugen. Why isn’t “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose” on official DVD yet. There are bootlegs aplenty, but I’m waiting for a Shout! Factory version or for Sony to pony up and put out.

For those of you that don’t remember this show, or never heard of it at all, the breakdown is this: it’s a rip-off an homage based on similar to “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.”

Parker Lewis was played by the guy who played Jonas Quinn in “Stargate SG-1″… no, you don’t know? How about the guy in “RoboDoc?” Um… his name is Corin Nemec (which sounds made up – an anagram of Icemen Corn?), and he’s been here and there through the years, but nothing quite as loud-shirted as he was on this show. (I forgot that’s why I had so many polyester button-downs in high school.)

He was the guy who had all the plans for getting away with any scheme rated PG, which he commonly preceded with the phrase, “Not a problem.”

His best bud was rocker Mikey Randall. He was played by the kid who played Blanche’s wayward nephew in an early “Golden Girls” episode. Not helping? He also had a recurring role on “Silver Spoons.” His real name is Billy Jayne. He played a coach on one episode of “The Bernie Mac Show” if that triggers any memories. See, that’s why this needs to be on DVD.

The only other faces you may recognize are Principal Grace Musso. She was played by Melanie Chartoff who was on “Get a Life” with Chris Elliott. Um, that’s not on DVD either.

Okay… the big guy on campus, Larry Kubiak, was played by the guy who played the, um, big guy in “ER.” His name is Abraham Benrubi.

Howzabout Parker’s little sister Sherry? Maia Brewton was also in “Adventures in Babysitting.” Remember? She liked Thor? Hilarious!

Okay, maybe Parker Lewis didn’t make much of a cultural impact, but it certainly was a product of its time. Is it too much to ask for it to simply be a product?

All I Want For Christmas Is… A Quadski

Posted on December 14, 2008 by sgottahurt

But can it go on water?

But can it drive on land?

All I can think about when I see Gibbs Technology’s Quadski is, “Me wanty, me wanty!” Let me explain it to you in simple terms if the pictures aren’t enough (actually, you might not even be reading this and may still be staring at the photos).

I don’t live near water any body of water but the Rouge River, so this would come in handy when I finally set forth my plan on traversing the bendy once-heavily polluted now not-as-nasty stream as if it were the Mississip and I was Huck Finn. I’m sure I could get my Neighbor Jim to tag along.

Um, okay… how’s this for another crack at a wry, wrong joke – How do you say “a table for four” in a Polish restaurant? Ah forget it. Watch this video of my future speed-raft instead:

Happy Find… Monster In A Wheelchair And The Death Bed That Eats People

Posted on December 12, 2008 by sgottahurt

Okay, these are pretty old, but I’ve had a very busy day. Accept my apologies or I will sick either of these monster on you… or both.

If they combined forces they’d be the Bedridden Monster.

P.S. For the record, my lack of effort on this post is pretty much up to par with both these clips.

Roll Over And Die: Searching For The Next Rick Astley Prank

Posted on December 11, 2008 by sgottahurt

The one-time phenomenon of Rickrolling has been played out, so America – please stop. Ignore the fact that I was searching for Strip Tease First Timers on YouTube when I recently stumbled upon it again.

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of being Rickroll’d, let me turn you over to my good buddy, Wikipedia:

Rickrolling is an Internet meme typically involving the music video for the 1987 Rick Astley song “Never Gonna Give You Up”. The meme is a bait and switch: a person provides a Web link that he or she claims is relevant to the topic at hand, but the link actually takes the user to the Astley video.

And some history:

The first instance of Rickroll occurred in May 2007 on (an Internet forum named 4chan’s) video game board, where a link to the Rick Astley video was claimed to be a mirror of the first trailer for Grand Theft Auto IV (which was unavailable due to heavy traffic)… By May 2008, the practice had spread beyond 4chan and become an Internet phenomenon, eventually amassing some coverage in the mainstream media.

I say it’s high time we find an alternative. Although “4chan” claims it has origins in their similar prank called duckrolling, it actually began with a much earlier prank called goatse… but I’d greatly suggest we don’t go down that tunnel again.

Some alternatives to You’ve been Rickroll’d:

Sober Recollection… For A Change…

Posted on December 11, 2008 by sgottahurt

The towel with which he wiped his face left this image

As the wise and sage-like Gary Busey once said, “Son of a bitch everything’s real,” I too spent my eve teetotaling, and realized there is much to learn while the mind is clean and the thoughts are clear. Namely, I have to write in a pretentious tone, and make use of odd phrasings and word choices.

Fuck that. Here’s some things I learned the night I decided not to drink and still hit four bars. (Maybe that’s how I lasted for four bars… I can get sleepy when I do the brew.) (Image from Drawastar)

Chapter One – Buffalo Wild Wings

Sarcasm doesn’t work in text messages. I knew this was the case with emails, but for some reason that didn’t translate in my brain. Basically, I hurt sumbuwy’s feewings.
Edith Bunker was the first TV character to experience menopause, and not Maude. Who knew that Norman Lear spread the wealth of taboo around? (FYI: Maude was the first to have an abortion.)
“Rolling Stone” magazine changed its size. They went smaller and quite frankly it looks wrong.

Chapter Two – One Under Bar and Grill

Paying cover for a band sucks when you show up right before their set ends, and the group decides to leave before the next set starts because the overall scene is lame. Even if it’s $3. And even though you didn’t pay it (thanks Doctor J).
The Trivia Jockey from my usual Wednesday stop hits this bar after leaving the other bar. Not a big deal. Just if I was a couple pillow cases to the wind I wouldn’t have noticed.
Everybody knows a dude that looks like Al Pacino.

Chapter Three – Kickers Complex (I just learned that’s what it’s called!)

It’s equally nice and sad to be recognized by bartenders.
You never want to hear a man sing Sara Bareilles’ “Love Song.” Not even in an ironic way. Trust me.
This song is supposedly popular, although I’ve never heard of it.
I know it’s country, but I’m familiar with the biggies. This one? I never even heard of its name. Also, the two dudes singing David Allen Coe no favors.
Karaoke in an empty bar sucks.

Chapter Four – Plymouth Roadhouse

It’s equally nice and sad to be recognized by the bartender and the waitress.
When big screen projection TV’s are on their last legs, they look like crooked bootleg DVD’s of movies, minus people walking in front.
In theory, nobody knows shit about what’s going to happen to the Big Three Automakers. The proof (as if you need it) is in the fact that everybody heard and knows something different. Some of my favorite speculations: Ford will be picking up Jeep from GM, Chrysler will go bye-bye, GM will absorb Chrysler’s minivan division and make Dodge Ram their only truck, and Ford will get bought out by the Chinese but will keep the family name as part of the agreement.
And in closing, I learned that what Cerebus did in securing Chrysler was a lot like what Richard Gere’s character did in “Pretty Woman.” They both bought a product at a reduced cost solely to strip it down and liquidate it for profit. In essence – treat it like a whore (a regular one though… not Julia Roberts).

JusWondering… Are They Trying To Kill My Brain?

Posted on December 10, 2008 by sgottahurt

I’m going on Day 20 of a major bender (I should be on a colonel bender by the end of the year, and an admiral bender by the end of January). My brain has been paying the price, and as a byproduct, so has my writing. (It’s all trivia’s fault! But don’t worry – we got into the tournament… as if you cared.)

The follwing videos help my mental state in no way.

Do not watch this in its entirety.

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Bald And The Bug-tiful

Posted on December 9, 2008 by sgottahurt

Hubba Bubba (A gum created in 1979)

Is Xenu in here?

Any dream involving a portion of the cast of “That 70’s Show” should be kind enough to include Mila Kunis. This dream did, but the Brothers Masterson did they’re best to keep her from me.

I was visiting New York City, and I was wondering Times Square. I stumbled upon a falafel shop and Danny and Christopher Masterson were manning the window. They had aprons on and spatulas in their hand. I approached and saw Mila in the background, slaving away at the fryer.

“Hey fellas,” I began. They nodded like they knew me. Mila rushed toward the front, but they held her back.

“Help get me out of here! It’s a trap!” (I think this comes from watching “Empire Strikes Back” over Thanksgiving weekend on Spike.)

The Brothers Masterson slammed the windows shut, and there were no visible doors. As I hurried up and down the street searching for an entrance, I ran into him – Mr. Demi Moore himself, Ashton Kutcher. He had a knit cap on and tried calming me down.

“Relax,” he said. “I’ll help you get in there, but you have to do one thing.” He paused. “You need to find me a cool new hat.” He took a step back and removed the winter garment from his head, revealing this:

...yikes...

It suddenly started raining hats, like in that car commercial where it rains shoes. I found a nifty green pimp hat, handed it to him, and we were off on our way.

Turds of a feather...

Then I was suddenly a cockroach. But I could walk and talk. I sounded sorta dopey, as did my one other buddy, Ralph. It was a lot like “Joe’s Apartment,” which I have not seen since 1996, and coincidentally one of the roaches in that shares the same name.

My roach pal and I were caught in some kind of laboratory we were trying to escape, a la “Secret of NIMH.” Adventures were had, and it culminated in a final battle with the scientist. He was all that stood between us and freedom. Ultimately, every cockroach but me enveloped him and devoured him, like how Professor Screweye died in “We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story.” Since I could not find video of that – this will have to do:

Happy Find… Do You Love My Hair?

Posted on December 8, 2008 by sgottahurt

This song is a tribute to the age old question: what do women look for in a man?

(And my answer to the opposite of that question: a pair of drum-playing twins.)

(Thanks Dave)

To Say This Woman Has Brass Cajones Is An Insult And An Understatement (Steel Labia Perhaps?)

Posted on December 7, 2008 by sgottahurt

I was about to list a handful of reporters, and tell them to get the fuck out of the way, but then I realized I was hard pressed to find any that could hold a torch to CNN’s Sara Sidner. I don’t think in all my recent years I’ve ever seen a modern reporter handle a situation like this:

To me, she is already reminiscent of those I consider to be the Greats – your Cronkites, your Brokaws, your Jennings. I need to keep an eye on Sara Sidner. I need to believe there are journalists out there willing to report their findings… not their opinions. Here’s a bit about Sara Sidner from an article by Leslie Griffith from the Huffington Post:

Objectification to reach a goal is not Sara’s style. Instead she chose the unknown. She chose to walk away from the comforts of home toward potential terror. She has a reporter’s heart and mind, and if she could be cloned, Americans would be better informed and democracy would be safer. She chose to immerse herself in Indian culture while surrounded by countries with itchy trigger-fingers, twisted loyalties and sectarian and political killing fields.

The lump in my throat melted when I saw Sara reporting from Mumbai. I knew her ability to gather information and relate it to viewers, and I also know America cannot avoid another 9/11 without understanding these conflicts.

As a counter-point, imagine if this guy had been in India during the attack: