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Musical Musings… Shooting Guns, Shampoo, Skilled Apes, And Sparks On Tongues

Posted on by sgottahurt

Last night while playing “Call of Duty 4,” I was leaning over the ventilation, um, vent at my friend’s house.  My hair was blowing , but I was so into the game, I didn’t notice it until my friends started singing the Isley Brothers’ “Who’s That Lady” like in that old shampoo commercial.

This is not the shampoo commercial, but it does beg the song’s titular question:

While driving home, I passed the local hookah spot and saw a truck with no headlights on.  I wanted to flash my headlights to let them know, but I wondered if that old urban legend was still in effect.  You know the one: gangbangers drive around with their lights off, targeting anyone who flashes them.  This made me think of that crappy movie “Urban Legend,” and how it opened with Natasha Gregson Wagner singing Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”  Except I think her legend was about the guy hiding in the backseat.

Here’s not a clip from that movie, but something much better (viva la apes!):

I also heard this song by Matt Nathanson, and it made me wonder if his lyrics at the 2:04 mark are in reference to this post:

Drunken Recollection… Misunderstandings, Winter Wear, Big Noses, And A Song About Monkeys

Posted on by sgottahurt

After having bee trapped in my home for the last sixty hours (57.5 of which were probably spent on the couch) due to a snow storm, I finally ventured out last night.  Grant it, my car got stuck in the driveway, but I still managed to head out to one of my old dives.

While there, my friend, Jay, and I watched football highlights and waxed poetic about the old days in the joint.  We talked about whether the Lions would fail us and actually win a game.  And we laughed at the amateurs playing in a televised poker tournament (one woman named Ellen had no poker face, but she was kicking aces!)

On the ride back to the neighborhood, a conversation came up about Under Armour.  Don’t know how, but it proabably had to do with insulated clothing in the cold.  He brought up how they have cold weather lines and hot weather lines.  I wondered if I should invest in the hot weather line when I play soccer, yada yada.  The part that made me laugh was when Jay described the technology they use.

“Wicket,” I thought he said first.

“Like the Ewok?” I asked.

“Wicked,” he repeated.

“Like the porn company?” I wondered.

We didn’t get to me mishearing Wiccan, and I think we decided on Wicket (I can’t find anything about this on their site or Wiki page), but it reminded me of one of my all time favorite comedy scenes in a movie.  It’s from “Roxanne.”

It’s subtle – sure.  But I love misheard-based humor.  Here’s the lyrics for a song I wrote when I had a band named Monkey Spank Monkey Do that eventually became oddcookie.  (This sight was thatclose to having the original band name, but I was afraid of what type of people might visit).  We never did much as a band anyway.  Sorry I’m not attaching the music.  Whatever you make up in your head will probably be better anyway.

Simianuff

That day that you told me
You didn’t want to see me
Anymore I just didn’t know

I wanted to ask you why
You didn’t even start to cry
Up and out you gave this reply:

You never simianuff, you never simianuff, you never simianuff

After that I had went on home
My mind so far it had been blown
Away by your rationale

I wanted to ask what you
Meant by saying “simianuff”
But I didn’t want to piss you off

So in turn I became primate
And bought myself a monkey suit
Bananas and “Tree Climbing Monthly”

I hope I’m simian enough, I hope I’m simian enough, I hope I’m simian enough

I started hanging around you
Quite often literally
Being my new simian self

You acted like I was
Insane, was what you called me
I only did what I was told

So you said, “I’ll see you around”
Mumbled something under your breath
I haven’t ever seen you since

You never see me enough, you never see me enough, you never see me enough
You’re never seein’ me enough, you never simian enough, you never simianuff…
Oh fuck…

(P.S. I must also have a fascination with monkeys.)

All I Want For Christmas Is… More Scrubs Soundtracks

Posted on by sgottahurt

Aaah, “Scrubs.”  You are the middle child between “E.R.” (the secondone with George Clooney, not the first… look it up) and the highly comedic, though at most times unintentional, “Grey’s Anatomy,” and you’re still the best at what you do.  (I picked Michael Crichton’s show as a reference point because it was an issue when “Scrubs” premiered.  People wondered why they would need two shows about interns.  Ask CBS what they think about crime scene investigators… and for that matter, what NBC thinks about blending cop procedural and court cases.)

Mixing pathos and humor so well for seven seasons, like a fine chef or bottle-flipping bartender (more Bryan Brown than Tom Cruise), you finally started getting some respect once you hit that magical 100th episode (that’s when shows can get syndicated).  NBC had been dicking you around for years, and when the seventh season was up for grabs, ABC – your owner – was ready to take over.  Having little else going on over at NBC, they used up the short season (due to the writer’s strike), and then hung you out to dry.  You’ll get to finish your magnificent run on ABC starting in January, but that’s not what this post is about.

scrubsIt’s all about the music, baby.  No other show utilizes the music to advance the story quite like “Scrubs.”  Check out the integration of Colin Hay’s Overkill (formerly of Men at Work).  What upsets me is that they’ve only released one CD for sale after the first season (after the fifth season they did a collection only available on iTunes… 14 songs to cover four seasons), but i want more.

greyscd“Grey’s Anatomy” gets three CD’s, but they push their music, not quite like “Smallville” did at the end of its early episodes, but there still is a hey, check out this quirky new artist quality about it.  Hence them releasing three CD’s.  “Scrubs” just lets it be, and maybe that’s why I prefer music from them.  It’s between the show and the audience – there is no marketing department forcing the producers’ hands.  So when season six ends on Say Anything’s Alive with the Glory of Love, I should just accept it as the way it is and be happy.

What?  There’s a torrent full of “Scrubs” music?  Never mind.

Happy Find… Cheetah Lady

Posted on by sgottahurt

Tears of joys are still spilling from my eyes.  As soon as I finish watching this video, I can’t wait to watch it again.  IT’S THAT FUCKING GOOD.

I don’t know if Cheetah Lady is trying to be ironic, or if she took acting lessons from Christian Bale on how to talk like a humanimal, but I think my most favorite thing about this is how she goes off script (if there even is a script) and rolls with the punches.  She’s sick of being a wide animal, and she doesn’t want a phone, but she wants a phone.  If even a quarter of Saturday Night Live’s cast members could improv like CL, it’d be like the 90’s all over again at 30 Rockefeller.

(P.S. If you pay attention, I think you can see her panties through her costume’s opening… if you’re into that kind of thing.  I’m certainly not.)

(via Videogum… thank you oh so much for this… I mean it)

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Musical Musings… Annoying Repetition

Posted on by sgottahurt

A Literal EarwormThe posts where I bitch about music never seem to go over too well, but since people aren’t always in the car with me when some annoying song comes on (and I often forget to bring it up later), I now have this forum to gripe.  And gripe I will (my apologies if you don’t care, but press on because you may agree).

The theme for this short list is Annoying Repetition.  Before you get in an uproar saying all music is repetitive, I’m talking more about the hooks that cycle throughout the song and seem to go nowhere fast.  They feel incomplete and prod at the mind and soul and I’m being melodramatic.  Songs can be super-repetitive and work.  Take Green Day’s Brain Stew as a positive example.

But some songs set out to destroy ear drums.  Mobile’s The Killer is the latest entry into the mix, and what ultimately prompted this disdainful account.  (To note: I would have embedded the video if Universal wasn’t a bunch of douchenozzles.)  Aside from the whining, winding musical arrangement, the “yeah-yeah’s” dispersed in the track make me think of Bono on “South Park” as he walks through a poor village singing “hello-hello” and “yeah-yeah” (it’s his special brand of helping).

I know there are other recent examples like Britney Spears’ Womanizer or tATu’s All the Things She Said, but they’re radio pop and to call it crap is an understatement.  On the other hand, these kinds of songs are programmed to be catchy and get stuck in your head, and they do it quite well.  Just the mere mention of the titles might cause earworms.

Before I go, I have two other odd entries: a couple songs of yesteryear that when I catch wind of them, they spiral me into a rage.  One is John Mellencamp’s Wild Night and the other is 24 Gone’s Girl of Colours (video below).  At least Shana Zadrick is in the Coug’s video.  Too bad I didn’t know about her in the 90’s (I was in love with Laetitia Casta at the time.)

All I Want For Christmas Is… Government Subsidized Gas Prices (99 Cents, Biotch!)

Posted on by sgottahurt

I dare you to tell me that America is not the Greatest Country on Planet Earth!  (I can’t vouch for countries on other planets… there might be some better ones than us.)  And how do we make this country even better?  By insuring, by guaranteeing, by swearing, by stick a needle in my eye not lying, by promising that we will never have to pay more than 99 cents for a gallon of gas ever again!  (And $1.09 for Midgrade and $1.19 for Premium, you douches.)

How can this be done?  I don’t fucking care how they get it done!  The government simply needs to git’r dun!  If it’s by funneling the money that’s funding the war or inventing more money like they did for the fucking lenders, git’r dun!  It’s the fastest way to save the country.

How’s that you ask?  If gas is cheap, people will drive more. 

If people drive more, they’ll go to the store more. 

If they go to the store, they’ll buy more because they have more money since the gas is cheap. 

If people are buying more things, more companies will need to make more things to sell.  Hell, people might even buy full-size SUV’s and trucks again to carry all the shit they’ll be buying, thus rendering an auto bailout unneccessary (because everyone knows American trucks and SUV’s are the best, right?) 

Back to the companies making things – they’ll need to hire more people to make things so there will be less unemployed people and more taxes being paid back to the government. 

In turn, these returning consumers will need cheap gas and want to buy more shit and see where I’m going?

If this is Socialism – sign me up!  So long as I can still buy shit.

If you don’t – watch this video:

Drunken Recollection… I Have No Idea What I Recollected

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m going to let everyone in on a little secret about the mysterious workings behind this blog.  I wake up at the crack of dawn everyday (I just love beating the sun) and walk to my corner gas station to pick up a local paper.  Sure, I could have the delivery boy bring it, but the exercise keeps the ol’ pumper pumping (besides, I leave the paper boy a tip every Christmas as if I subscribed to help make up for his losses).  As I mill through the ink print to discover what’s going on in this world, I pour myself some whole grain cereal and organic milk, with a side of orange juice and toast (I use real butter to lather my heated wheat treat – it’s my only vice!)  I even slice up bananas and strawberries to put on top, like in the commercials.  After immediately washing the dishes and separating my recyclables, I ready the tub for a nice bubble bath and who am I kidding… I barely wake up on time to get to work at 10:30ish.  I should be there at 9!  This is the case due to the habit of my evening imbibing of carbonated, fermented brown water.

While at the draft tap establishments, conversations erupt, and often I’m reminded of something clever to write about, and I make a note in my cell phone.  Usually, I can translate.  Most times, I find messages like this:

  1. dancing caveman jukebox
  2. baby jacket
  3. think straw when see
  4. deli 25 bux
  5. whoprvirgins baby coat
  6. mr. wizard
  7. getn away w murdr
  8. angus young black
  9. martha quinn med woman
  10. kidbits

There are other notes of which I do remember, and will be inevitable posts, but these strike little or no chord.  Or I remember having a drunken laugh about them, such as 3, 8, and 9.  I believe 3 refers to how when I see a straw in somebody else’s drink at the table, I move toward my drink as though it also has a straw (I don’t drink beer with a straw anymore… not since I got rid of my “Cast Away” Halloween costume beard… although at times I have joined many straws so I wouldn’t have to pick up my mug).  8 and 9 were common mix-ups I have about AC/DC’s lead singer and the old MTV VJ.

1 and 4 were going to be big to-do’s, but I really had no fodder.  I cannot stand the dancing Geico caveman on digital jukeboxes, and I love how you don’t have to sign credit card statements on things less than $25.  I have no idea what the “deli” has to do with anything.  Much like number 7 – that one scares me because I’m 100% clueless about it.

2 and 5 repeated the theme of those stupid small coats that the ladies wear nowadays.  I wanted to bring up how pointless and stupid and trendy they are – much like Uggs boots.  I don’t know why I jotted down the Burger King website in conjunction with the jacket, though.

6 and 10 probably had to do with the same chit chat about childhood TV science shows.  I don’t know “Mr. Wizard,” per se, but “Kidbits” taught me how to make a chair out of three baseball bats (I also believe the demonstration was with knives or forks… I’m leaning toward knives though) and how to poke a straw through a potato. 

In closing, here’s “Kidbits” theme:

All I Want For Christmas Is… A Toilet That Doesn’t Clog

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ll spare you the details, but just know that in the last 24 hrs. I’ve eaten:
  • A Hungry Howies pizza – size small – with pepperoni, cheese, and heavy Cajun crust
  • A Smokehouse Bacon Triple-the-Cheese Big Mouth Burger, with fries, chips, and queso dip
  • A Bob Evans homestyle breakfast containing flapjacks, sausage, eggs, and mashed potatoes with gravy

And after a recent incident occurred, all I’m dreaming about is a better toilet.  The industrial ones at my office building are forces of nature (so to speak).  It’s my home John J. Crapper that’s a “wholey tearer.”

Not to be much cruder, but I’ve taken dumps in many places around the world, and I wonder if the alternatives might be worth it.  In Japan, this is how they go Niban (a.k.a. #2):

New visual for Pop-a-Squat.

New visual for Pop-a-Squat.

In Amsterdam, I discovered “the shelf,” courtesy of German toilet engineering:

Goodbye floaters! Hello shelfers!

Goodbye floaters! Hello shelfers!

I thought I might try to find out something about Australian toilets, like, maybe the “reverse flush” might have a stronger pull, but all I ended up doing was watching a crap load of videos like this:

All-in-all, I guess anything is better than this:

I... think I can wait until I get home.

I... think I can wait until I get home.

Oh, They Only Pick On You Because They’re Jealous – The Tom Cruise Story

Posted on by sgottahurt

Poor Tom Cruise… I think I’m growing a soft spot for the little guy.  Of late, he’s making the talk show circuit to promote his new movie, “Valkyrie,” and every time I’ve caught his interview, something inside me dies.

It’s pitiful, really, how much pandering he seems to have to go through to get back into the public’s good graces.  Back in the day, when he kept his life private – Mega Movie Star.  Since “meeting” Katie Holmes and doing that crazy interview on Oprah – not so much.

(Although I must say this: when I’m 44, if I hook up with a woman 16 years younger than me, I can’t promise I’m not jumping on some couches, too.  Hopefully, she’s hotter than Holmes.)

Watch his appearance on Letterman last night and tell me if it doesn’t feel like the sap just wants to be liked? 

He’s trying too hard, and it reeks of bad parental advice.  Imagine:

Mommy, they’re being mean to me at school.  I don’t think nobody likes me.

To which Mommy (a.k.a. Daddy Hubbard or Uncle Miscavige) replies:

They’re jealous, my boy.  You can’t let them get to you.  Just get back out there and be the best you you can be.  If they pick on you – ignore them.  Better yet… laugh with them.

A lot of good it did me, Mom.  All I have to show for being the best me I can be is an ass-kicking that left me with a head scar and a detached testicle.  Thanks for a lifetime of explaning why my nutsack hangs to my knees, and that no, I did not steal your _____!

Meh Find… Lily Allen’s Womanizer

Posted on by sgottahurt

This one’s not quite so much a Happy Find as Meh Find.  Damn this song for getting stuck in my head in the first place, and damn it again for getting remade into something more tolerable.  It’s like getting a butterknife stuck in my head as opposed to a mace.  (via IDLYITW)

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