I’m running low on my Christmas spirit as I’m quickly realizing mostall of my Christmas wishes are not coming true. Smack that up against with me coming across this over-indulgent greeting card that almost two-million people have already seen (speaking of smack, that kid’s mug is begging for one):
I watched the entire extravaganza, and I guess the guy that set it up used to do special effects for Disney, but still… ick. The song is even terrible.
It kind reminds me of a light show version of this:
I haven’t been this amazed since I’ve seen babies reading, but this MindFlex toy looks incredible.
Use your brain to move around a ball! How could any kid not want this! Well, that is unless it’s a scam…
So if that idea doesn’t fly (ha!), how about some of these Cubedudes! Who doesn’t love superheroes made out of Legos?
Something's fishy if Aquaman's included...
Oh. They’re a personal project. Thanks for getting my hopes up (Comics Alliance I’m looking at you)! You surely wouldn’t screw me twice, because if I can’t have those, I’ll gladly take one of these:
The Rocketeer got the Feds and the Mafia to work together to fight Nazis... He's a certified hero!
I should have included this song on my list of memorable movie music, but it is not remembered by many other than me.
Walt Disney released Condorman in theaters in 1981, and I don’t think I saw until it arrived on VHS a few years later. It was back when Disney released movies on those white clamshell cases that had stickers… not slip sheets like the later stuff did.
The later stuff
Apparently, the DVD was released by Anchor Bay 10 years ago, and since then has gone out of print. Used editions go for $40, while new ones go for $85-150!
So I guess my wish would more accurately be – PLEASE RE-RELEASE CONDORMAN ON DVD! Last year, when all I wanted for Christmas was that Parker Lewis Can’t Lose to get released on DVD, I never thought it would come true so soon!
If Condorman is unlikely, then I have a second option… Yor: The Hunter from the Future. That hasn’t been released on DVD in the U.S. at all, so how about a little love?
When I first heard Miley Cyrus’ Party in the U.S.A. amidst her infamous stripper pole ice cream cart incident at the Teen Choice Awards (the TripleDoubleU was all a-Twitter), it did not make an impression in the least. In fact, had the song not gotten so much radio play, I would not have backtracked to find out that it was this song she writhed to.
Fast-forward to today. Damn, does that song get stuck in your head. It’s a classic earworm cocktail: lift a few themes from other songs, drop in a couple famous names, mention “partying” in a patriotic manner, and sprinkle with auto-tuning. Voila! A hit!
Before getting into the full monty with this song, I’d like to present a testimony to the ditty’s power over lyrics. Here in Detroit, we have an excellent alternative (Canadian) rock station called 89x. Everyday at 7pm, they have two songs battle it out for The People’s Choice. The current and reigning winner:
"The Fold" is from Chicago... "the bends" is from surfacing too fast.
Wanna hear their song?
That’s a tasty synth track.
So onto the lyrics…
I hopped off the plane at L.A.X.
With a dream and my cardigan
Welcome to the land of fame excess,
Am I gonna fit in?
Jumped in the cab,
Here I am for the first time
Look to the right and I see the Hollywood sign
This is all so crazy
Everybody seems so famous
My tummy’s turnin’ and I’m feelin’ kinda home sick
Too much pressure and I’m nervous,
That’s when the taxi man turned on the radio
And a Jay Z song was on
Remind you of anyone else?
Well, the plane landed and when I came out
There was a dude who looked like a cop standing there with my name out
I ain’t trying to get arrested
I just got here
I sprang with the quickness like lightning, disappeared
I whistled for a cab and when it came near
The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror
If anything I can say this cab is rare
But I thought ‘Now forget it’ – ‘Yo homes to Bel Air’
It’s not exactly the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, but it’s certainly reminiscent. Oh. And about that Jay Z song? Miley’s never heard any song by HOVA, because she did not write the song. Jessica “Jessie” Cornish did, and BONUS! She’s British (and can sing circles around Miley, btw).
Back to the chorus:
So I put my hands up
They’re playing my song,
And the butterflies fly away
I’m noddin’ my head like yeah
I’m movin’ my hips like yeah
Mya, do you have anything you’d like to say… oh, I don’t know… how about, your love is like… wo? The remainder is a repetition of the first part, just with different words.
I guess the biggest problem I have with the song is the cloying patriotism. When Bruce Springsteen sang about how he was Born in the U.S.A., I believed him. Okay, it’s probably not fair to compare the Boss‘ song about disenfranchised American soldiers to Hannah Montana’s tune about not wearing stilettos because she “never got the memo.” But his heart was in his throat when he sang that song. Dollar signs were in Billy Ray’s eyes when she sang hers.
(SIDENOTE: Try on Kesha’s Tick Tock – I’m sorry – Ke$ha’s Tik Tok as an alternative to Party in the U.S.A. Most of the same earworm ingredients are there:
lift a few themes from other songs (“Don’t stop…” hook = Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance” hook, also repetitive last word in phrase, à la Black Eyed Peas’ Meet Me Halfway)
drop in a couple famous names (Diddy, Mick Jagger)
mention “partying” in a patriotic manner (“…but the party don’t stop…”)
Gather ’round, gather ’round, oh ye of the current Idiocracy… it’s time for a little history lesson.
Once upon a time, AT&T was The Shit. Mostly, this was due to the fact it was The Only Shit out there, but allow me to quickly sum up the company’s roots:
1878 – Once Alexander Graham Bell “invents” the telephone (it’s still debated whether or not he stole the patent from another), his business partners try to sell the rights to the telephone to Western Union. They turn it down (the sale price was $100,000, or $2.2 million in today’s dollars).
1879 – Instead, Bell’s partners start the Bell Telephone Company (which would go through several name changes in the early years). They would ultimately purchase a portion of Western Union in 1881.
1880 – AT&T Long Lines are put in place that provide long distance calling between New York and Chicago. It was a separate entity from American Bell (the current name at that point), and it would ultimately purchase its parent company at the end of 1899.
1913 – American Telephone & Telegraph (their full name) signs the Kingsbury Commitment with our government which allows them to keep a monopoly on the country’s phone system. It stays pretty much in effect until 1984!
So to recap, Bell might have stolen credit for inventing the phone, Bell’s partners buy out a chunk of the company they tried to do business with previously, and the resulting company runs the show in America for over 100 years legally! The Shit!
Nowadays, since getting further and further away from land lines, AT&T sucks. Should my iPhone drop calls? I don’t think so! Therefore, Just Shitty! (Personally, I blame the Cingular/SBC buyouts for this, but more on this in a second.)
Enter Luke Wilson, Owen’s younger brother. A formerly shooting star that has since hit a speed bump (what would be the equivalent in space… an SBC satellite?), let’s check out his track record:
1996 – Bottle Rocket
1998 – Home Fries and Rushmore
2000 – Charlie’s Angels
2001 – Legally Blonde and The Royal Tenenbaums
2002 – Old School, Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, and Legally Blonde 2
2004 – Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
2005 – Idiocracy
Now are all of those hits? No. But they are all popular and some are my favorites (those underlined). I would qualify his first ten years to AT&T’s first hundred… that is, he was The Shit, or at least on the path to fully encompassing it.
What happened that lead him to ultimately costar in a film with Jessica Simpson? It certainly wasn’t Blonde Ambition blind ambition. I’m calling it the Idiocracy Curse. The film was supposed to be released in 2005, but it was pushed back and subsequently dumped into 130 theaters the following year, and onto DVD the next. It has since achieved a cult status and is frighteningly prescient. But since then, Luke Wilson hasn’t had a hit or even a near miss. Does this make him Just Shitty?
Well, when SBC acquired AT&T in 2005 (the Idiocracy Curse!), they officially attained their Just Shitty status.
When did Luke Wilson attain his?
(Here’s to hoping both can attain their former glory, and my iPhone won’t drop anymore calls!)
Here's Blake... not so lively, more so lazily resting
The lovely Blake Lively hosted Saturday Night Live this weekend, and pretty much given any chance, the writers threw her in a skimpy outfit that showed off her gams. Sorry. Sometimes when I’m tipsy, and I see a pretty lady, I get all roaring 20’s upinhere.
Anywhosaidwhat, the Gossip Girl star held her own, and performed unabashedly well. But then again, after the train wreck that was January Jones, everyone looks better.
I’m not saying January Jones isn’t a looker… she was just a terrible host. Heavens to betsy! I’ve put myself in quite a pickle.
There unfortunately weren’t any stand out skits for her. This skit only has three stars on Hulu, but I thought it was one of the better bits. Could be because I live in Michigan – home of the Insane Clown Posse and their fervent followers, the Juggalos. The video of their documentary is below for comparison.
If Colby is everyone’s friend as that one girl tells Nick (he’s a jerk!), then why did he need to get introduced at the start?
Not only is Colby programmed all the scriptures in the Bible, he doesn’t even know what a game is?
A two-parter – how can machines be “overweight” and why is Nick such a jerk?!
What kind of talking-out-of-your-ass line is this:
I must reorganize my files… they’re completely out of phase!
Praying never fixes anyone’s computer after a surge. Changing a power supply might.
Why do all the kids talk SO LOUD?!
What the fuck are Flip and Flop, and why are the only ones that can fix Colby? Does this mean they are greater than God, since He couldn’t do it? Nope. Their just a couple of dicks disks.
More out-of-your-ass talk:
Oh, I simply must reposition these files!
Who doesn’t have a pocket bible, raise your hand!
Have you ever seen a greater parallel to proselytizing than the robot song performed against Nick? (Why would they trust a jerk alone with Colby, unless they knew Colby could indoctrinate him?) Lyrics:
Kids: We are all robots, and you must be a robot, too!
Nick: I don’t wanna be a robot!
If you want to skip to the trip, jump to the 4:18 mark.
Let me preface this by saying… I like both of these videos (for very different reasons*), but they contain infectious melodies that are currently stuck in my head. It’s not that difficult for that to happen, unfortunately, but still – by the power of Chris Cornell I compel you! Leave my noggin!
*I enjoy watching food explode to rock tunes. I only recently discovered this, but I hope it doesn’t make me a foodie. I also simultaneously enjoy watching adults beat toddlers… wait, that doesn’t sound right.
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