If anyone is holding their breath for a live-action Smurfs film, keep holding your breath. Not so much because the movie isn’t happening, but because we need to strengthen the gene pool.
That being said, next year marks the release of Avatar 2, er, I mean, The Smurfs, and this is sample CGI rendering of one:
You've seen one Smurf, you've seen one hundred...
It’s supposed to take place in New York’s Central Park (for some reason), and a live Actor! will portray Gargamel (although one would guess that Azrael would also be animated… you know, because a good cat Actor! is hard to come by these days).
Anyblue, the movie will most likely be horrible. Unless – and this is bigger than three apples high “unless” – the film has a twist ending like this 2005 Belgium ad for UNICEF. I don’t know if it’s supposed to make me happy or sad, but I willing to let you guess which emotion it elicits from me:
If you’re wondering what the last message’s translation happens to be, it’s this:
Don’t let war affect the lives of children.
Geez. Thanks for taking all the fun out of the video Babel Fish.
In the early 90’s, I had my musical awakening, if you will. My tastes might not meet the standards of most high-brow music snobs, but those years should be celebrated merely for opening my eyes ears.
Here were some bands that I quickly attached to, and somehow just as easily detached from. Was it a demise in the quality of their music? Did they grow beyond me? Did I grow beyond them? Or did I simply stop caring?
Come on. It’s inevitable. We’re reaching the bottom of the fish barrel (in which we like to shoot) when it comes to properties from the 80’s (and earlier). With The A-Team hitting the big screen this summer, there aren’t too many shows left to adapt.
So what about the 90’s? They happened like ten years ago, right?
I know television has tried several reboots of 90’s shows (namely 90210 and Melrose Place), and a few programs have made the leap to film (The Simpsons, South Park, Strangers With Candy, The X-Files, Sex and the City… you know, all cartoons). But there are plenty of hits that scream big screen, and today, I’m going to focus on casting one of them:
Home Improvement: The Movie
Tim Taylor – Although Tim Allen isn’t doing much else these days (besides directing Crazy on the Outsideand voicing Buzz Lightyear in Toy Story 3), this is a reboot of a franchise after all, so who do you go with? Mr. Reboot incarnate, Chris Pine.
"(Grunt)-(grunt)-(grunt)-(grunt)..." because I don't know how to spell the (grunt).
Jill Taylor – If you’ve ever watched Attack of the Show on G4, Ms. Olivia Munn has proven time and time again that she’s one tough cookie, just like Jill Taylor.
"Tim, don't even think about touching the dishwasher. Her name is Consuela."
Brad, Randy, and Mark Taylor – Who else but the Jonas Brothers? If Zack & Cody only had another brother…
It's a Disney production, and so are they.
Al Borland – Fresh in my mind courtesy of his performance as a CTU agent in 24, Freddie Prinze, Jr. would make a great sidekick. Just like he does with Sarah Michelle Gellar Jack Bauer.
"I don't think. Tim."
Lisa / Heidi (Tool Time Girl) – Rosie Jones. Google Image Search her. You’ll understand.
"Forget everybody else. Do you know what time it is?"
Wilson Wilson, Jr. – The notoriously hidden Tiger Woods would be great as the vessel of sagely advice. Plus, he’d introduce diversity into a show that supposedly took place in Detroit.
When Weezer hit the music scene waaaay back in 1994, bassist Matt Sharp decided to work on a little side project called The Rentals (he would ultimately leave Rivers Cuomo and gang after the release of their second album, Pinkerton).
So here’s the thing I could never remember, and hopefully will forever remember now that’s it’s transcribed in blog-form…
The spinoff band was The Rentals, and notPlacebo.
It might not seem like a big deal to you, the casual reader, especially since I already mentioned the revelation in the first paragraph. But I always remembered the song, Friends of P (which I actually remembered as Friends with P), and I think the similar lyrics in Placebo’s Pure Morning meshed in my mind to cause the perpetual confusion. (I also blame my supposed friend P.)
Friends of P lyrics:
If you’re friends with P.
Well, then you’re friends with me
If you’re down with P.
Well, then you’re down with me
Pure Morning lyrics:
A friend in needs a friend indeed,
A friend with weed is better,
A friend with breasts and all the rest,
A friend who’s dressed in leather
Homey don't... work anymore "My Wife & Kids" went off the air.
One day at lunch, a discussion occurred that revolved around how Saturday Night Live characters had their own movies, but In Living Color did not. We threw around Actor! names and characters, and it was decided that Damon Wayans’Homey D. Clownmight have the best shot at a movie.
But I disagreed.
Clown movies have never done well at the box office (by my summation). Here are the ones I could think of…
This early production by Kevin Smith covered a lot of dark themes, such as clown stripping, clown rape, clown vengeance, and attempted clown murder. Well, I don’t know if those are themes for sure, but they’re indeed dark.
Actor!Bobcat Goldthwait wrote, directed, and starred in this film about an alcoholic clown. He eventually would follow this one up with a film about a woman that had sex with her dog. Moving on…
Director Victor Salva went to prison for molesting his child star in this film. I mean, he didn’t do it in this film. It happened behind the scenes. But not necessarily on the sets. Once again, moving on…
I'm not afraid of clowns, per se, but aliens - yikes!
Of the first four films on this list, there’s a good chance this is the only movie you’ve seen or at least know exists. That still doesn’t make it a success. Everybody’s heard of Sarah Palin, too. (BONUS PARTISAN POLITICAL BURN!)
Now we’re getting into some well-known movies. This John Candy classic is on the list mainly because it possibly inspired Bobcat’s Shakes (as well as giant pancakes… why am I so hungry all of a sudden).
Apropos of nothing, John Leguizamo also starred in "The Pest"
This comic book character brought to life on celluloid isn’t as scary as he is gross. Speaking of gross, remember how gross the CGI was in this film? Relive the horror here.
This televised miniseries based on Stephen King’s book is well-known for being the source of many twenty-somethings fear of clowns. Also, did you know that in the book, well, I’ll let the very cool TVtropes fill you in:
Beverly Marsh has sex with the other members of the Losers Club (all six of them, one after the other, in a sewer) in order to re-forge the connection between them after defeating IT as pre-teens. It’s supposed to be a metaphor for moving from childhood to adulthood, but triggered many readers’ Squick.
With or without makeup, the leader of his so-called family sure can give Leatherface’s brood a run for the money. And leave me running for the hills have eyes.
These guys are arguable as clowns. Why? Well Jigsaw’s a marionette, Beetlejuice is the self-proclaimed “ghost with the most,” and The Joker… well… yeah, he’s a clown.
I’m a Polack. Or I’m Polandese, or Polandan… whatever it’s called.
And having never been there, I would assume my fellow Polanders would be mild and meek. Based upon the symphonic blackened death metal band (yes, that’s their description) from Poland, Vesania, I might have made a dupa of u and me.
Well, then at least their wholesome, right Joanna Krupa? You can barely Google her and not find her bare somewhere. (Not that I’m complaining.)
(SIDEJOKE: How many poles does it take to hold up a Pole that gets naked for PETA? Answer in image below.)
Oh, that's not a pole holding her up. My bad.
(BONUS UNNECESSARY PUN: I’m gonna go Polish one off now.)
This is an old commercial, but it’s new to me, which is surprising considering the amount of television I watch. But then again, I do skip the bulk of advertisements courtesy of a few select buttons on my DVR remote, so there’s that.
The moral of the story is this: If I ate seafood, the above video would make me want to Eat at Joe’s™. If only Taco Bell could push the boundaries and think outside the bun™ box, then I’d oblige.
(BONUS: To clean your palette of foul mouthery, here’s a commercial full of faces that make me smile…)
Ever have the woman you love turned into a cougar jaguar?
Not this kind of jaguar, but I wish.
And on top of that, she couldn’t understand you (and of course, you couldn’t understand her), so then you had to employ this guy:
"A GoGorilla"
A double-noggined telepathic silverback gorilla that could speak English in my brain while sleeping. He would pluck my thoughts and put them in my lady, and vice versa.
(SIDENOTE: Apparently he could speak jaguar… or he was pulling a fast one on me, because the thing is that no matter what my girlfriend said through Mr. DeBergerac, she still acted an awful lot like a jaguar. Especially when we were alone together and she’d try to kill and eat me.)
So in honor of my lady-love, here’s a long distance dedication:
No wait, that’s a panther! I’m sorry honey! I’ll never look at another black cat!
monkeyBLOG monkeyDO 