This video will speak for itself, but in case you can’t wait, let me prepare you:
Have you ever wanted to see children deal candy like it was drugs?
Have you ever wanted to see children drink ice tea out of paper bags like it was alcohol?
Have you ever wanted to see the guy that made Rebecca Black’s Friday video and song again?
You’ve been warned:
(SIDENOTE: Tweenchronic most definitely refers to marijuana, right? Well, at least somebody spray paints over “Bieber Fever”…)
If you’re unfamiliar with the almost award-winning fourth-most-popular folk duo in New Zealand, Flight of the Conchords, then shame on you. Or should I say lucky you because then here’s your first taste:
Here are the lyrics if you want to print them and sing (?) along:
So, you’re leaving, aren’t you?
I knew it when you said just then when you told me you were leaving
That’s when I definitely knew
But if you’re trying to break my heart
Your plan is flawed from the start
You can’t break my heart, it’s liquid
It melted when I met you
And as you turn around to leave
Don’t’ turn back to me
Don’t turn around and see if I’m crying
I’m not crying
I’m not crying
It’s just been raining on my face
And if you think you see some tear tracks down my face
Please don’t tell my mates
I’m not crying
No, I’m not crying
And if I am crying
It’s not because of you
It’s because I’m thinking of a friend of mine who you don’t know who is dying
That’s right, dying
These aren’t tears of sadness because you’re leaving me
I’ve just been cutting onions
I’m making a lasagna
For one
Oh, I’m not crying
No
There’s just a little bit of dust in my eye
That’s from the path that you made when you said your goodbye
I’m not weeping because you won’t be here to hold my hand
For your information there’s an inflammation in my tear gland
I’m not upset because you left me this way
My eyes are just a little sweaty today
They’ve been searching around
They’re like searching for you
They’ve been looking around
Even though I told them not to
These aren’t tears of sadness
They’re tears of joy
I’m just laughing
Ha ha ha-ha ha
Sitting at this table called love
Staring down at the irony of life
How come we’ve reached this fork in the road
And yet it cuts like a knife?
I’m not crying
I’m not crying
I’m not cry-y-y-y-
-y-y-y-y-ing
And here’s the original for comparison, I guess. Even though there’s no comparing…
Just in time for Christmas Eve, I’ve assembled a list of containing A Handful Of items I may actually want, even though I told all my loved ones not to buy me anything because I didn’t buy them anything. Will they listen this year? Hopefully. But they haven’t yet, and I feel like a real dick when they do. Unless that’s what they wanted. Then they did get a gift from me after all!
I missed it when this Marc Ecko product had its original run, but aren’t we living in the age of the TripleDoubleU?! Anything’s possible! But probably not buy by tomorrow…
This game looks just like you’re playing the TV show. Do you know how many times I’ve wished Friends would have done that? Oh, and I should mention this – I would like the 360 pre-order version so I can get Mysterion. So what if this doesn’t come out until next year. I can wait.
Final words before my inevitable incarceration: “See you all later… you know, because I was secretly video taping you.”
My sister actually brought these to my attention, and they haven’t left my consciousness since. I brought up the possibility of getting these to a few friends, and one deftly responded: “Creepersville.” My initial interest was genuine – wear this to bars to capture conversation flows or to a soccer game to get a first-person perspective of my awfulness. But it’s there – right on the fringe of Creepersville no matter my intent. The only other inevitable problem is that I have enough difficulty living in the moment as it is. With these, I’ll be living in perpetual time-delay.
These monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK entries are examples of posts I might have written in the past had there been any technology other than corded remote controls, microfiche, and record players available. This one is about a Billy Joel song I’ve only recently heard for the first time that deals with the topic of phone sex, a.k.a. not mastering your domain.
I also need add the fact that I was a good Catholic kid. As proof of my lunacy reverence, I remember listening to Beck’s Odelay! on my Walkman for the first time, and literally throwing the headphones off because I thought it was devil music.
It’s not like my parents were super-religious or anything either… although I do remember my dad not being too happy with Olivia Newton-John’s Physical and Huey Lewis and the News’ I Want a New Drug. But that was just a father looking out for his kid. It’s not like any parents let their offspring listen to artists like Nicki Minaj or Flo Rida these days…
I’m a huge fan of Billy Joel. I grew up listening to An Innocent Man on LP, and his greatest hits collection on cassette. Can you imagine my surprise when I heard a new old song by him playing overhead at Kmart? I figured out it’s called Sometimes a Fantasy, and it goes a bit something like this:
While at Kmart, I looked through all the cassettes trying to find which album it was on. I finally figured out it was on Glass Houses which came out in 1980. That’s the record You May Be Right, Don’t Ask Me Why, and It’s Still Rock and Roll to Me were all on. I asked my mom if I could get it, but she said I already had enough of those songs on the greatest hits collection. It would be like throwing money away. I begged and begged, and finally she let me get it.
As soon as I got home, I ripped open the plastic, cracked open the cassette, and popped the tape in my boombox. I was going to fast forward past You May Be Right, but I waited through it. I listened to it once, then rewound it to get the lyrics. I paused it after every line so I could write it down. And you know what it was about?
Using your imagination! I play by myself all the time using my imagination, and now my favorite musician has sung a song about it! What a great day! May 13, 2002 will live on in history!
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life it’s this: lists are easy. So today – a list! Butt it’s a special kind of list. Today I shall rank songs according to the number they chose to focus on. I say, the higher the number – the lamer the song. For our first turtle head poking out:
THE SHIT
The Proclaimers’ I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)
This song isn’t the worst on the list, so that makes it best, or The Shit, by comparison. Think of this song as the elusive “No-Wiper” we hope for after our morning coffees and Mountain Dews.
THE TURD EYE BLIND
Vanessa Carlton’s A Thousand Miles
Ms. Carleton supposedly dated the lead singer of Third Eye Blind, but not before releasing this turd. Lucky for The Proclaimers, it took twice the walking distance to turn Stephan Jenkins on.
THE BROWN NOTE
525,600 Minutes from Rent
I enjoy the South Park reference much more than my original ranking title – THE MUSICAL FRUIT. I was of course making a pun out beans and Rent being a musical! Nothing else!
I ranked time frames above distance because 1000 years is a hell of a lot more to deal with than 1000 miles! Fart!
JUST SHITTY
Jason Mraz’s 93 Million Miles
Ah yes, the inspiration for this list. Singing about the sun is so laaaaame. Unless you’re The Beatles. Then it’s okay. So stick this one where the, um, sun don’t shine!
THE DOOKIE ANOMOLY
Green Day’s 2000 Light Years Away
This song kinds of falls into the camp of how some geniuses are such geniuses they tip over the edge and become stupid (is that a thing?)… Well, this distance is so far that the lameness resets to zero.
(SIDENOTE: Okay, the higher number/lameness factor only works when song titles involve measurements of time and distance. Otherwise,
Every once in a while on this great planet a person with no discernible talent rises like a comet toward the outskirts of fame, and instead crashes like a meteor toward infamy. This was the trajectory Kim Kardashian and George W. Bush were destined to follow, but our modern media changed their outcomes.
The same can’t be said about Billie Jean. (Thanks modern media.)
Wilhelmina Jeanette Mousekewitz, circa 1980, imitating the practice that would make her a legend
Wilhelmina Jeanette Mousekewitz*, better known only as Billie Jean, was born some time in the 60’s to a mother and father that named her. She always had dreams of making it big in Hollywood, and once she got too big for Hollywood, Ohio, she moved to Los Angeles to chase bigger dreams… and the stuff of legend.
At the ripe age of legal, she found her way into many celebrity circles, and more specifically, into many celebrities’ beds… some of which happened to be circle in shape. Many Two singers sang about their exploits involving Ms. Mousekewitz:
Some even suggest that Tommy Tutone’s scandalous Jenny was one of her pet names (Billy Jenny):
A movie was made based on The Legend of Billie Jean, but it was a tongue-in-cheek reference to her true story:
Nobody would sign off on it.
The biggest reason that Billie Jean is known among the Hollywood elite is for her coining of this phrase:
Who do I gotta blow to get a _______ around here?
She said it all the time, and she meant it, whether it was a part in a film that she wanted, or a cheeseburger from Carl’s Jr. And that’s the untold true story behind Billie Jean.
*(It’s been said that her last name also inspired the story that became An American Tail. The pun was on purpose.)
This was going to be Worth 1002 Words, but I forgot I had one waiting. You’ll see that tomorrow. Instead, I’m upset I can’t embed videos unless they’re of a certain kind on WordPress anymore. But like the title of the post says…
Air Robinson
(SIDENOTE: You see, because that’s Craig Robinson of Hot Tub Time Machine and The Office, and he’s dun— oh, never mind. Watch the video by clicking here. There are more stars than you can shake a stick at. What’s that, you say? You can shake a stick at seventeen stars? Well then there’s as many stars as you specifically can shake a stick at.)
I’ll admit it. I watch Cartoon Network. That’s where I catch all the latest Clone Wars episodes (not for much longer, though).
It’s also where I catch-up on the latest and greatest toy offerings. Of all the dumb things I’ve seen, I couldn’t believe that this (post from two years ago) has officially made its way here:
monkeyBLOG monkeyDO 