Video

I Am Thankful For… Victoria’s Former Secret, Candice Swanepoel

Posted on by sgottahurt

As I sit and watch my Detroit Lions blow their chance to obliterate the Dallas Cowboys (and former Lions quarterback, John Kitna) and walk away with the better record of 3-7 vs. 2-8, I’ve decided to discover and uncover the beauty that is Candice Swanepoel.

It took me a little while to figure who she was after seeing her in a Victoria’s Secret commercial, and I’ve done it!  Unlike the Lions (they didn’t do it)…

To erase the loss from my memory, here’s Candice in a cowgirl costume:

Yee-haw!

 

The rest is pure bonus:

 

She may not be a lioness, but she's close...

The Lions will be flying home for another game on Thanksgiving!

Here's to hoping they can clean up their own mess. I, on the other hand, could use Ms. Swanepoel's help.

BONUS! BONUS! VIDEO!

 

(more costumed Candice’s here)

I Am Thankful For… Not Living In Russia

Posted on by sgottahurt

I recently had a discussion with my mother about our family’s heritage, and I always thought I was 75% Polish, 12.5% Ukranian, 6.25% Lithuanian, and 6.25% Russian.  Turns out, she doesn’t think that we are part-Russian at all.  I’ve been saying that all my life, and I don’t think I made that up, but that’s neither here nor over there… which thankfully, I’m not.

I’m sure there are plenty more reasons not to want to live in Russia.  I’m basing it solely on the brashness of their rodents.

Check ’em out:

Hibbidy-Wah?! 25 Years Passed Again?!

Posted on by sgottahurt

First, I could deal with it when Back to the Future celebrated its 25th Anniversary:

Remember that Saturday Night Live skit where Dana Carvey kept singing, "Gotta go back in time" to Michael J. Fox while they were in an elevator? Yeah, neither do I.

Then it kind of stunned me when I found out Super Mario Bros was also 25 years old (watch the video on the linked site for some digital nostalgia):

Are we sure this wasn't an Atari 7800 game?

And then! I found out Elmo from Sesame Street has been around for a quarter century:

He's the one that's not Grover.

But this was the last straw… the Chicago Bears Super Bowl Shuffle happened 5×5 years ago:

(Bonus Elmo and Ricky Gervais video after the jump) Read More

Happy Find… Rosie Jones In Action!

Posted on by sgottahurt

I just love this British bird:

The One and Only Rosie Jones (not counting the golfer, Rosie Jones)

Unbeknownst to her, Rosie Jones has been in a long-standing heated battle with Alison Brie to be my number one crush, but every once in a while, she pulls ahead (as when I suggested her for a role in the inevitable Home Improvement movie.)

Hearing her lovely lilting accent puts her on top once again (as opposed to her usual nude Page Three photo shoots):

A Handful Of… Characters That Fear Water

Posted on by sgottahurt

Water… is life.

Water… is cleansing.

Water… is wet.  What else can I say?

For these characters in TV and film, water is only wet.  Lame opening?  Waterever.

Here are A Handful Of characters that fear H2O.

  • A Mogwai named Gizmo

This poor little guy can’t even drink beer without spawning bastard siblings.

Yes, I've used that joke before.

  • The Wicked Witch of the West

I wonder if Glenda the Good Witch could get wet.  Maybe that came out wrong.  That was still a bad choice of words…

"I really like Arby Meltings, I'm Meltings..."

  • Pigpen

Water would only turn this Peanuts character into Muddy.

The Muddy pun would have went better if his name was Dusty.

  • Aliens

When you’re an alien that has acid blood, you avoid getting open wounds around water.

"I'd rather have ice in my veins..."

When you’re an alien that’s skin is so sensitive to water that it’s like acid, you avoid planets and creatures composed mostly of water.  Or so you’d think…

"If I had ice in my veins, I'd die... Waah..."

  • Jason Voorhees

Maybe he didn’t fear water so much before… you know…

"Hey mom, look at me! I'm splashing!"

  • Tim Burton’s version of evolved Apes

Take it guy from this blog post:

Apes, for some reason, are deathly afraid of water, because in all their evolving they have never learned to swim. In fact, they are so afraid of water that when Mark Wahlberg is running away from them, across a river, he is literally only a few steps into the water when the apes stop pursuing them. The idea seems to be that they are afraid of drowning, but apparently they are afraid of getting wet at all. Ummm… okay.

"Orangutan I didn't say banana? Get it?"

  • Ringwraiths

I guess there’s a bunch of debating about the portrayal of these characters in the Lord of the Ring films, but by my summation, they’re afraid of water.  It’s an elemental thing.

"It's also a horse-shaped tidal wave drowning us thing..."

  • 6th Graders

This video will prove it once and for all:

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Musical Musings And Awful Battle… Decidedly Different 80’s Love Songs

Posted on by sgottahurt

Once upon a time (in 1982 to be exact) there was a song.  It was a power ballad of nuclear reactor proportions, and it went a little something like this:

Now you may argue…

I thought this was an Awful Battle?  I love that song!

Don’t let nostalgia taint the reality that if that song was made today, it’d be laughable.  Journey-ing on…

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

Once upon another time (in 1986), there was another song.  It was a remake of an older Randy Newman song that was featured in a little movie called 9.5 Weeks, or something like that.  Again, if it was made today… well, I don’t know how many women wear hats that men would want them to keep on these days:

So why is it an Awful Battle?  One hopes for endearment enduring, and one attempts to make this sexy:

No offense, Alexis.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty And A Hibbidy-Wah?! WTF Is Hulk Hogan Doing?!

Posted on by sgottahurt

I don’t mean to go and spoil the below video, but spoil you I must:

Hulk's showing off his real American.

What in the flying fuck is this not only doing in a promo for a stupid looking video game, but why in the flying suplex is Hulk Hogan pulling out his thumb wrestler in front of his daughter Brooke?!  Whether it’s real or not, it’s really dumb for real.

This could have also been filed under from The Shit To Just Shitty… behold:

  • The Shit
  • Just Shitty



Drunken Recollection… Denver Airport Conspiracy

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m a man that prefers simple.  Cut to the chase.  No silly games.  WYSIWYG.

But I’m also the kind of guy that enjoys the bizarre.  Against the grain.  Conspiracies.  WTF.

This Drunken Recollection involves the latter.  One night after soccer, my friend Chris mentioned that my brother had a flight layover at the Denver International Airport, and that he had asked him if he’d witnessed anything strange.

I didn’t know what he was referring to, so he pointed out the likes of this:

Okay, well, that borders on the irrational and fantastical (and kind of insane), but the main thing was that these types of conspiracies existed.

About an airport.

And none of it dealt with the fact it was a international airport nowhere near any other nations.

The DIA Conspiracy Files blog delves further into other aspects, but as a (rational) counterpoint, here ya go:

I still don’t understand why a city in just about the middle of the state would be international:

It's the cream-filling between Mexico and Canada.

Happy Find… In An Ironic Way

Posted on by sgottahurt

Call it the Netflix of the art world!  (Or more appropriately, the Blockbuster of the art world, since I can’t see either lasting that long…)

Introducing, Turning Art!

From my limited understanding (of not only the above site but the world), apparently you pick out artwork you want to hang up, and when you get sick of it, you send it back for another picture, à la Netflix.

Oh!  As it turns out, I’m exactly right:

It’s kind of sad that the video only has about 250 or so hits.  I wonder how many visits the actual site gets.

Unfortunately, the more I think about how I wanted to tease this site, the more I feel compelled to herald it.  I don’t know if there’s an actual market for cycling wall art, but it’s great there’s an outlet for raw talent.

I guess my ironic Happy Find changed into a legitimate one, just like you can with duplicated prints!

Nope, I’m back to ironic.

Musical Musings… “Like A G6” And Other Songs About Transportation

Posted on by sgottahurt

The wheels on the bus go round and round and Far East Movement’s Like a G6 has my head spinning round and round like those wheels.  If you’re unfamiliar, take a taste:

Are they singing about this?

An electric blue 2008 Pontiac G6 GT Coupe?

Nope.  It’s about this:

The line "fly like a G6" is all the more clever now!

So in celebration of (quickly) getting to the bottom of this Musical Musing, I thought I would celebrate even more songs about transportation devices.

I’ve neatly broken up the methods into groups.  Add more in the comments!  (I know no one will do this, or maybe one person only, but I keep trying!  I love comments!)

The Sugar Ray Travellers that Fly

  • Aeroplane – Red Hot Chili Peppers
  • Airplanes (Parts I and II) – B.O.B. (and Hayley Williams with Eminem)
  • Leaving on a Jet Plane – Peter, Paul, and Mary or John Denver
  • Paper Planes – MIA (kinda)
  • Bennie and the Jets – Elton John (okay, not really)

The Incubus Travelers that Drive

  • Little Red Corvette – Prince
  • Big Yellow Taxi – Joni Mitchell, Amy Grant, or, um, Counting Crows
  • Pink Cadillac – Bruce Springsteen or Natalie Cole
  • Mercedes Benz – Janis Joplin
  • Mustang Sally – Wilson Pickett
  • Bitchin’ Camero – Dead Milkmen
  • My Hooptie – Sir Mix-A-Lot
  • Fast Car – Tracy Chapman
  • Drive My Car – The Beatles
  • Counting Blue Cars – Dishwalla
  • Piece of Shit Car – Adam Sandler
  • Ignition – R. Kelly (heh heh)
  • Honorary shout-out to Ric Ocasek and The Cars

The Christopher Cross Travelers that are Sailing

  • Come Sail Away – Styx
  • The Downeaster “Alexa” – Billy Joel
  • Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald – Gordon Lightfoot
  • Proud Mary – Creedence Clearwater Revival or Ike & Tina Turner
  • Southern Cross – Crosby, Stills, and Nash
  • Rock the Boat – Hues Corporation
  • The Banana Boat Song (Day-O) – Harry Belafonte
  • Yellow Submarine – The Beatles
  • In the Navy – The Village People

The Train Travelers that, um, Travel by Track

  • Crazy Train – Black Sabbath
  • Love Train – The O’Jays
  • Peace Train – Cat Stevens
  • Runaway Train – Soul Asylum
  • Last Train Home – Lostprophets
  • Last Train to Clarksville – The Monkees
  • Midnight Train to Georgia – Gladys Knight and the Pips
  • The Metro – Berlin
  • Rollercoaster of Love – The Ohio Players or Red Hot Chili Peppers

The Oleta Adams Travelers that Get Here (If You Can)… Whatever Way You Can

  • Love in an Elevator – Aerosmith
  • Magic Carpet Ride – Steppenwolf
  • Rocket Man – Elton John
  • Airstream Driver – Gomez
  • Convoy – C.W. McCall
  • Bicycle Race – Queen
  • Black Horse and the Cherry Tree – KT Tunstall
  • Beer for My Horses – Toby Keith
  • Wild Horses – The Rolling Stones, Garth Brooks, or The Sundays

The Traveling Proclaimers that Walk (I’m Gonna Be) 500 Miles

  • Walk like an Egyptian – The Bengals
  • Walk like a Man – The Four Seasons
  • Walk this Way – Aerosmith and Run-D.M.C.
  • Walking on Sunshine – Katrina and the Waves
  • Walking on a Thin Line – Huey Lewis & the News
  • Born to Run – Bruce Springsteen

The Shoe Crew (A Subsidiary of The Traveling Proclaimers)

  • My Adidas – Run-D.M.C.
  • The Vans Song – The Suicide Machines
  • Air Force Ones – Nelly
  • Louboutins – Jennifer Lopez
  • Diamonds on the Soles of her Shoes – Paul Simon
  • Goody Two-Shoes – Adam Ant
  • Blue Suede Shoes – Elvis Presley
  • These Boots are Made for Walking – Nancy Sinatra or Jessica Simpson

Let’s be honest… Jessica Simpson never looked better than she did in this video (and let’s be more honest… never will again):