TV

A Handful Of… Commercials That Make Me Want To Punch Santa

Posted on by sgottahurt

Christmas time is here, and so are mother fucking annoying commercials.

To begrudgingly begin, this ad from Verizon is way more annoying in its condensed radio form, but you can get the gist of it from this tube promo.  Whoever thought of taking Madness’ Our House and turning it into a hybrid holiday ditty featuring British-sounding hooligans should be run over by Santa’s sleigh.  That rusty ol’ magical blade right over their carotid artery would make my mistletoes tingle:

This one isn’t as holiday apparent, but it’s still hawking phones.  Who gives telecommunication devices as gifts?  Who puts some song that sounds like it’s sung by Lisa Simpson in their ad?

This one is off the radio, and it boils my blood like I’d been in a microwave.  It makes absolutely no sense, because not one bit of it ties together.  I’m sorry that I can’t get any angrier.  I feel dead inside:

I also wanted to mention that although I don’t mind Doug Benson most of the time, commercials for his new show, The Benson Interruption, drive me up the wall.  There are no videos online for me to share, so I made this instead:

InASense, Lost… What Disturbs Me More?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I was all prepared to do a whole diatribe about this racist Duncan Hines cupcakes ad, but then I realized that site already did it justice (although not much funny).

Also… I found that this disturbed me more:

After watching, I’m sure a lot of people might be inclined to say:

Of course it’s German!

But then I realized these toys came from America and suddenly, clay-pooping dachshunds don’t seem so bad.

As for Duncan Hines – they still have mud on their face.  (There was probably a better way to say that.)

Worth 1002 Words… Thank You For Being A Jedi Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Olaf-Wan Kenobi

Some alternates:

  • Jedi Pie
  • Dag GoldenBah
  • Anakin Slowwalker
  • Heavy Sabers

(source)

Happy Find… Sweded Mutant Ninja Turtles

Posted on by sgottahurt

The concept of “Sweding a film” may no longer be in vogue, much like saying whether or not something is in vogue, but I love what these guys have done.

It’s pretty self-explanatory.

It’s awesome.

It’s a live-action version of the intro to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon:

JusWondering… What In The Eff Is This Effing Thing?!

Posted on by sgottahurt

I was told by a coworker that may or may not be privy to my private fears to check out our local news website and see this:

I don't even have the ability to be funny right now (which could be argued either way)...

Apparently, some guy captured the image from up in his deer blind in Louisiana, and here’s salsa dog:

SRSLY LOL

Well, maybe a lil’ LOL for the pup.

Awful Battle… Gifts That Tell Her How You Really Feel

Posted on by sgottahurt

Don’t know what to get that special lady in your life?  (And I’m not talking about your mom.)  Then look no further than these brilliant Awful Battle ideas!

First up – when costume jewelry is just too cheap and gaudy, then it’s time to upgrade to Charmed Memories from Kay Jewelers:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

If bejeweled scrap metal doesn’t quite carry the weight you’d hope (and they do look heavy), howzabout you help her hide the weight with Kymaro Body Shapers:

(SIDENOTE: Don’t you think this simulation is pushing it?)

 

body shaper

This reminds me of Arnie and DeVito in "Twins" for some reason.

 

This last idea might not just be for the ladies.  It’s the Trojan’s Tri-Phoria vibrator, and… well, just watch and witness the groom’s unfettered excitement (at the 52 second mark):

And for the record, what does Tri-Phoria have to do with euphoria?  It’s not Deux-Phoria or Two-Phoria…

If I was in charge, I would have figured out a way to make it a quadruple vibrator (as opposed to a triple vibrator, however that works), and called it the – wait for it…

EuFOURia.

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Call It An “O’Rigin” Story

Posted on by sgottahurt

I can’t believe I’ve never realized this before:

(Thanks Tina!)

Drunken Recollection… Quite The Celebrity Mix-Up

Posted on by sgottahurt

Out of context, I have no idea what these two Actors! have in common.  In context – I still don’t.  That mostly has to deal with the fact that I was tipsy, but the mostly is barely a mostly, because I also never watched either of the shows these Actors! starred in.

CELEBRITY #1 – Jan-Michael Vincent

Star of "Airwolf"

CELEBRITY #2 – Philip Michael Thomas

Co-star of "Miami Vice"

The only explanation that comes to mind is:

  • They both were in 80’s TV shows
  • They both peaked with said 80’s TV shows
  • They both have the same middle name (kinda)
  • Their names consist of three first names
  • They both were thrown a bone by PMT’s former co-star, Don Johnson:

"Nash Bridges" - Revelations

"Nash Bridges" - Out of Miami

As Dana Carvey’s Church Lady would always say:

Some others in the Three First-Namers Club:

  • Billy Ray Cyrus and Jonathan Taylor Thomas

I might confuse them one day by their hair or jackets.

Hibbidy-Wah?! No Effing Norway!

Posted on by sgottahurt

(UPDATE: VIDEO FIXED!)

I rubbed my eyes with lemon juice.  I squinted with toothpicks under my lids.  I snorted some Habanero sauce.  Salt was sprinkled onto my optical orbs, and nothing of what I had witnessed made any sense.

At first glance, you might mistake this video for an Insane Clown Posse one, based solely upon its production value, and you’d be right, except for the “clown” and “posse” part.  Maybe “clown” is relevant.

This is a commercial for the Norwegian show called Golden Times.  The way I wrote that sentence makes it sound like you should recognize it, so since you wouldn’t, I share it’s given name: Gylne Tider.  Apropos of nothing, that’s an anagram for

DETER LYING

of which I am with these truths.  So sit back, and

GENTLY RIDE

this strange ride on the TripleDoubleU that’s

LEGIT NERDY.

Without any further introduction, enjoy a slew (there has never been a better time to use this word) of random celebrities from the 80’s (and some 90’s) singing The Beatles’ Let It Be.  By my guesstimation, I would venture to, um, guess that this was what probably what killed Leslie Nielson, you Norwegian bastards!

(SIDENOTE: As you watch, you’ll find yourself thinking the cast can’t get any weirder, and it always does.  Also take note of what role each Actor! is recognized for.  It adds even more fun.)

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JusWondering… Can Taylor Swift Pull Off Santa Baby?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Taylor Swift could be called America’s sweetheart (as opposed to America’s sweatheart, Tom Arnold).  So why in the world would she try to perform a sexy, seductive song about a spoiled gold digger?  Take a listen to her version of Santa Baby:

What does the expert on gold diggers have to say about that?

Eartha Kitt played Catwoman, for Christ’s Santa’s sake!

Some other notable, not-so-wholesome women artists that have covered this song:

  • Madonna
  • Shakira
  • Macy Gray
  • Natalie Merchant
  • Faith Evans
  • Kylie Minogue
  • The Pussycat Dolls
  • Kellie Pickler
  • LeAnn Rhimes
  • Mae West
  • Miss Piggy
  • RuPaul
  • Everclear

My favorite, of course, is this version.