TV

A Handful Of… Foods I Will Never Try

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m not an adventurous sort when it involves my taste buds… which is a terrible way to put I don’t like a lot of different foods.  So this post won’t include anything “shocking” unless you consider #4 unsettling.

Here it is!  The short list you’ve been dying for!  A Handful Of Foods I Will Never Try!

1) BANANA SPLIT

The sexual innuendos are innumerable.

What’s wrong with a banana split?  Sure, I enjoy (most) flavors of ice cream and whip cream, and though I’m no fan of cherries, they can easily be removed.  What’s wrong with a banana split?  The banana!

2) OCTOPUS

I tried to find the most appetizing presentation to be fair. This won. And lost.

I’m no fan of seafood (nor mollusks), but I have tried:

  • shrimp (gross)
  • lobster (gross)
  • escargot (not bad, but once was enough)
  • sushi (not bad – could try again)

I draw the line at octopi.  You could say it’s a Red Wings thing.

3) JELLIED PIG’S FEET

Only thing worse: Jello'd Pig's Feet

This shouldn’t be on this list because it’s obvious, and could be tied into #4, but it’s made the list because IT’S BEEN OFFERED TO ME.  IN PERSON.  AT A FRIEND’S HOME.  (When we were kids, but still…)

4) ANYTHING FROM REALITY SHOWS

See also: Survivor Chow

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or Joe Rogan) to deduce that I would not try anything people eat out of necessity in desolate countries and trick foreigners into eating by dubbing it a local delicacy.

(SIDENOTE: Welcome back, Fear Factor!  And Joe Rogan!)

5) McRib

The modern Halley's Comet.

Food items this has that I don’t like:

  • Barbecue sauce – check
  • Onion slices – check
  • Pickles slices – check
  • Rubbery, pressed meat product – check

JusWondering… Why Did I Stop Watching These TV Sitcoms?

Posted on by sgottahurt

cosby show that 70's show who's the boss roseanne boy meets world home improvement malcolm in the middle

T.G.I.Must.C.U.L8R.TV.

It’s weird that throughout my life there were so many shows I was at one point all about, then one day suddenly, I was none about.

Let’s examine this collection of programs that I enjoyed watched weekly until I didn’t:

THE FAMILY SHOWS

I watched all seven seasons of both Family Ties (when Andy was long in the tooth and Nick was out-moron-ing Mallory) and Growing Pains (Leo DiCaprio as a homeless kid ring any bells?), and I’m pretty sure I stuck through all eight seasons of Full House for some reason (when it really was a full house after Uncle Jesse and Becky had twins).

These… I didn’t:

  • The Cosby Show (’84-’92)
  • Who’s the Boss? (’84-’92)
  • Roseanne (’88-’97)
  • Home Improvement (’91-’99)
  • Boy Meets World (’93-’00)
  • That 70’s Show (’98-’06)
  • Malcolm in the Middle (’00-’06)

What’s odd is that most of these shows made it to eight seasons, just like The Office has this year.  If I didn’t haven’t my Parks and Recreation and Community, I might have given up on what’s hopefully The Office’s last season.  So why did I stop watching those shows?  Outgrowing them is the likely culprit, but it could be cast and concept changes.

THE OFFBEAT SITCOMS

These are the shows I simply stopped because I wasn’t feelin’ it any more (or main characters were killed in real life – RIP Phil Hartman):

  • My Name is Earl (changed story focus)
  • Grounded for Life (changed format)
  • Titus (got dark)
  • Newsradio (see above)
  • Just Shoot Me (got boring? I don’t remember…)
  • Reno 911! (the movie turned me off)
  • Scrubs (season 9 sucked)

THE OBVIOUS QUITS I SHOULD HAVE QUIT MUCH EARLIER

  • Frasier
  • Mad About You
  • The Drew Carey Show
  • Dharma and Greg
  • Coach

And of course, there’s…

THE KING OF SHOWS I STOPPED WATCHING

  • The Simpsons

Awesome Battle… Nathan Fillion Vs. Brendan Fraser

Posted on by sgottahurt

Wanna bet Brendan Fraser is jealous of Nathan Fillion because he’s what Fraser always wanted to be?  Let’s check out the comparisons…

Fraser: "Bring it!" Fillion: "It's brung..."

NATIONALITY

Fillion was born in Edmonton and remains Canadian; Fraser was born in Indianapolis and later would move to Ottawa and Toronto.

POINT: Fillion, for sticking to his maple leaf logo guns.

BREAKING INTO HOLLYWOOD

Fraser’s first major role was as an unfrozen caveman in Encino Man; Fillion starred as a cast regular on the ABC soap opera One Life to Live.  (He should have been on this list.)

POINT: It’s a wash.

CAREER HIGHS

Fraser was in the critically acclaimed Gods and Monsters, the Academy Award-winning(ly bad) Crash, and the monetarily successful Mummy trilogy; Fillion was in Steven Spielberg’s Saving Private Ryan (as the wrong Private Ryan) and Firefly/Serenity.

POINT: Fillion.

CAREER LOWS

Let’s see… for Fraser, where do you begin: Airheads, George of the Jungle, Blast from the Past, Dudley Do-Right, Monkeybone, Journey to the Center of the Earth, and Furry Vengeance; for Fillion, you have just Blast from the Past?

POINT: Fillion.

CURRENT PROJECTS

Fillion is already into season four of the hit (?) ABC show Castle; Fraser is set to appear as Vanessa Hudgens’ absentee father in a flick named after a Rolling Stones song.

POINT: Another wash, as I don’t watch either.

But my POINT is this:

Although Brendan Fraser has appeared in way more movies, a fair amount of which were even successful, and Nathan Fillion has had to muddle his way through plenty of failed TV shows to get to this one… Fraser would fetch Fillion’s fervent fan base in freaking flash!  Alliteration!

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Ranking Nerd TV Producers

Posted on by sgottahurt

Nerds love nerds.  Even the candy.

But nerds also hate nerds, and no one more nerdy than a nerd can properly slam another nerd.  You know the old nerd adage:

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.

There’s one exception to that:

Nerds’ words hurt nerds worst.

What I plan to examine here is a gaggle of famous nerd TV (and film) producers (and writers), and do what every nerd dares to do to others, but fears to have done to them — rank them as TV producers… from The Shit To Just Shitty.

THE SHIT (EXPECTED)

Joss Whedon

WHAT HE’S DONE: Firefly… plus Dollhouse, Buffy, and Angel if you’re into those as well

WHAT HE HASN’T DONE: Screwed over his fans.  Whedon is such a fanboy nerd, he took his box office failure of a movie, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and created two long-running shows from that; he also took a failed TV show, Firefly, and wrapped up its story in a movie (Serenity)!  BONUS: Fans have a lot of faith in his upcoming film, The Avengers, because of his previous writing credits in comics (The Astonishing X-Men) and earlier screenplay efforts (in whole or in part) for Toy Story, Speed, and one of my favorites, Waterworld.

THE SHIT (UNEXPECTED)

Bryan Fuller

WHAT HE’S DONE: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Wonderfalls, Dead Like Me, Pushing Daisies

WHAT HE HASN’T DONE: Stayed with Heroes.  He wrote the series best episode, Company Man, which fleshed-out Horned Rim Glasses in a fantastic way that the show could never replicate, and in many ways, would even abandon.  Having characters that make sense?  Heroes would never stoop so low.

KINDA THE SHIT

Rob Thomas

WHAT HE’S DONE: Veronica Mars and Party Down

WHAT HE HASN’T DONE: Enough.  More please!

USED TO BE THE SHIT

You know who this is...

WHAT HE’S DONE: Amazing Stories, Tiny Toons, Animaniacs, ER, and later, Band of Brothers

WHAT HE HASN’T DONE: Lived up to producing anything up to the caliber those shows: Pinky and the Brain, Freakazoid, Toonsylvania, Falling Skies, and Terra Nova?  Smash and The River sound no better…

JUST SHITTY

J.J. Abrams

WHAT HE’S DONE: Felicity, LOST, What About Brian, Six Degrees, Undercovers, Person of Interest, and the upcoming Alcatraz

WHAT HE HASN’T DONE: Shit on me.  LOST might not have been all his fault, but the supernatural element was his suggestion.  I didn’t include Alias or Fringe because I haven’t seen them… but if you read this blog regularly (I doubt it) or know me (know one I know reads this), click here to see how I feel about LOST…

Punch Drunken Recollection… Honey Badger Don’t Care!

Posted on by sgottahurt

On my recent trip to New York to watch the Yankees get rained out before beating the Detroit Tigers the next day, we stopped in DuBois, Pennsylvania for the night.  We were so over-tired and wired from the drive, we decided we needed to get some drinks to relax us enough to get some sleep.

Anybooze, we stopped at Eastside Sports Bar…

They were playing Reel Big Fish's "Beer" so it felt like a safe place to be... at least the beer was cheap.

…and purchased as many beers as we could on site, as well as plenty to go.

What does that have to do with anything?  Well, it was on this night that I saw this video for the first time:

And now the badass honey badger has gone mainstream:

Oh, and for the record…  a fight broke out within fifteen minutes of us being at that bar, and like the honey badger, I didn’t give a shit.

InASense, Lost… Create A Character Contest Strikes Back!

Posted on by sgottahurt

In 1985, this happened:

This was from the back of the funny pages, and it was serious.

So I decided to enter the contest, and at age ten, I created these characters:

I entered all of the above except for CARRYVAN, and the one I didn't even like called PUPPY HOG.

For entering so many characters (I guess), I won this playset:

My mom offered to take it back to the store to get something else. I refused. I played with it once.

These ended up being the finalists:

What the fuck?

Fearless Photog won the vote, but no toy was ever made.  At this year’s San Diego Comic-Con, it was announced that there would finally be a toy:

You're still kidding me, right?

But there was one bit of satisfaction I was always able to maintain.  Mattel ripped off my Elephantom!

They gave him a robot head and dubbed him Snout Spout.

But now, there’s this:

Victory will be mine!

I will keep you posted on my final entries.  Yes, there will be many.

————————————————————————————————————-

In case you were interested, here are each of the character’s write ups as they were when I was ten:

C.A.R.’s a small, weak wimp that can be Crushed And Restored. But every time he’s crushed by Evil, he gets mad, and when he gets mad, he gets bigger and stronger and wants revenge.  Only He-Man can talk him out of this vengeance he want.  But every time he’s crushed by Good, he gets courageous.

I guess I didn’t like that idea.  Why would good guys crush him?

When Ill-Yusion sways his hands illusions appear.  Anything he thinks of at the time will become an illusion.  Also, he is always ill.  So anytime he coughs or sneezes, an illusion will appear or disappear.

He was always ill?  Who saw that coming?

Ticklon has four arms.  The two upper arms tickle a victim and the two lower arms grab the weapons.  So there is no need for a weapon of his own with arms like this.

Truer words have never been spoken.

Kangaruin (then named Kangaroo Man) has a pouch to keep things hidden.  Can jump to the length of 50 feet and can jump as high as 20 feet.  His hands and feet are very powerful.  He can punch or kick through any solid material.

Liquid materials, forget it.

Walrusaur (then named Walrus Man) has stun rays in his teeth. His teeth can also eat through 3/5 of any material except lime stone, like the walls of Castle Grayskull.  His flipper hands and feet make him a good swimmer (and slapper).

There should have been more slapping in He-Man cartoons.

Elephantom – The ghostly elephant whose trunk can stretch miles until the enemy’s caught. Weighs nothing with unbelievable strength.

Snout Spout was only shown in the He-Man & She-Ra Christmas Special, and some She-Ra episodes, although I never saw those.

She-Yuld – Her shields create invisible force fields that keeps gathering around.  Once finished, ricochets anything that hits them.  Her shields have magnetic forces under them, too.

I don’t get what any of that means.

Clustor (Tartor, Ropego, and Gluestick together) – Tartor alone shakes his leg and gooky tar flies; Ropego alone has a rope arm and buzzsaw spurs on his heels; Gluestick alone spits glue from his mouth.  Together as Clustor they are stronger than ever: streams of glue from the mouth, a more controllable rope arm, and buckets of tar from the legs of Clustor.

Gluestick was the best I could come up with?

JusWondering… Am I The Show Killer?

Posted on by sgottahurt

One won; one lost.

Every season on network television, new shows come and new shows go.  That’s why I made a vow long ago to wait until the second season before I get involved in anything shiny.

This worked with LOST.  Although I wish that I waited until it was all over to ask if it was planned out like I had hoped, or completely made up as it went along, like so many accused it of doing.  (It was fucking made up, by the way.)

This hasn’t worked with Fringe, though.  I am currently so far behind, I’m willing to let it end and have someone tell me if it was worth it or not.  I’m not going through another LOST scenario, if I can help it.

Here are some other shows I skipped in its first run, which were inevitably cancelled:

  • Firefly
  • Invasion
  • FlashForward
  • V (this did make it to two season, technically, but it only ran for a total of 22 episodes)
  • Jericho
Here’s one show I broke my rule on and should have skipped in its first run:
  • Heroes

What’s not really that interesting to note is these are all sci-fi shows.  Not a drama or comedy in the bunch.  To be fair, I really don’t watch dramas, and the comedies I watch are weird, so I don’t expect them to be on more than a year (with the exception of Undeclared… that should have had a longer run).

So this year, I tacked on a few new shows: Up All Night, Free Agents, and The Playboy Club.  I felt lucky after adding one new network show last year (Raising Hope).  Two of the three are already gone (Up All Night has thus far evaded the axe).

I thought Free Agents was a smart relationship comedy with solid talents attached; The Playboy Club was stylish and sort of interesting, with plenty of cheese to spare.  (Okay, I only watched it because of Amber Heard.)  In both of these shows defense, they were trying something different… unlike the horrible Whitney and even worse 2 Broke Girls.  I would try to watch these to get them cancelled, but it’s already too late to end them early…

Perhaps I can prevent a second year… (Who am I kidding!?  They’re both too terrible to watch!)

I've seen funnier billboards than this billboard AND show.

In My Brain While Awake… This Kid’s A Nightmare!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Yeah, this one has nothing to do with a dream (thankfully, you might be thinking).  It’s just that the kid in this commercial is such a fucking spastic terror, I may have nightmares:

Hibbidy-Wah?! What Ding-A-Ling Came Up With This One?

Posted on by sgottahurt

If you’re a fan of workout equipment that reminds you of male dirty bits, then move over Shake Weight, because the Free Flexor is in town!

Just Sh–ty To The Sh–… Now That’s A Housewives Show!

Posted on by sgottahurt

I do not/will not watch any of the Real Housewives’ shows.  It’s not just because I don’t know where Bravo is on my cable (isn’t in syndication now anyway?), and it’s not because I’m some loyal fan of the show it was “inspired” by, ABC’s Desperate Housewives.  It’s merely because it’s not my cup of T & A, where the T is for terrible and the A is for annoying.

But my brother presented an idea which isn’t far from the reality of what these “Real” scenarios are:

The UnReal Housewives of _________

Allow me to fill in some of the casting blanks:

The UnReal Housewives of Detroit

Starring:

  • Jackée Harry as Lisa Landry on Sister, Sister
  • Katey Sagal as Cate Hennessy on 8 Simple Rules
  • Patricia Richardson as Jill Taylor on Home Improvement
  • Tisha Campbell as  Gina Waters-Payne on Martin

The UnReal Housewives of Chicago

Starring:

  • Courtney Thorne-Smith as Cheryl on According to Jim
  • Suzanne Pleshette as Emily Hartley on The Bob Newhart Show
  • JoMarie Payton as Harriet Winslow on Family Matters
  • Katey Sagal as Peg Bundy on Married… with Children
  • Roseanne as Roseanne Conner on Roseanne
  • Susan Clark as Katherine “Ma’am” Papadapolis on Webster

The UnReal Housewives of New York

Starring:

  • Jean Stapleton as Edith Bunker on All in the Family
  • Phylicia Rashad as Clair Huxtable on The Cosby Show
  • Tichina Arnold as Rochelle on Everybody Hates Chris
  • Doris Roberts as Marie Barone on Everybody Loves Raymond
  • Megyn Price as Claudia Finnerty on Grounded for Life
  • Alyson Hannigan as Lily Aldrin on How I Met Your Mother
  • Joanna Kerns as Maggie Seaver on Growing Pains
  • Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden on The Honeymooners
  • Lucille Ball as Lucy Ricardo on I Love Lucy
  • Isabel Sanford as Louise Jefferson on The Jeffersons
  • Leah Remini as Carrie Heffernan on The King of Queens
  • Helen Hunt as Jamie Buchman on Mad About You
  • Mary Tyler Moore as Laura Petrie on The Dick Van Dyke Show
  • Phylicia Rashad as Ruth Lucas on Cosby

The UnReal Housewives of Milwaukee

Starring:

  • Betty Garrett as Edna Babish De Fazio on Laverne & Shirley
  • Marion Ross as Marion Cunningham on Happy Days
  • Suzanne Somers as Carol Foster on Step By Step
  • Debra Jo Rupp as Kitty Forman on That 70’s Show

The UnReal Housewives of Los Angeles

Starring:

  • Michele Scarabelli as Susan Francisco on Alien Nation
  • Kellita Smith as Wanda McCullough on The Bernie Mac Show
  • Carol Potter as Cindy Walsh on Beverly Hills 90210
  • Florence Henderson as Carol Brady on The Brady Bunch
  • Janet Hubert-Whitten and Daphne Maxwell Reid as Vivian Banks on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
  • Constance Marie as Angie Palmero on George Lopez
  • Cheryl Hines as Cheryl David on Curb Your Enthusiasm
  • Sofía Vergara as Gloria Delgado-Pritchett on Modern Family
  • Sheryl Lee Ralph as Deidra “Dee” Mitchell on Moesha
  • Kate Walsh as Dr. Addison Montgomery on Private Practice

The UnReal Housewives of Miami

This was way, way too much work for this punchline.  You can definitely tell Detroit was done first…

(locations via)