TripleDoubleU | monkeyBLOG monkeyDO

Yes Or No, Y’Know… Upcoming Movie Projects Edition

Posted on December 9, 2012 by sgottahurt

If this was an article produced by a robot, it would be buttons with a 1 or 0. Or would a robot use YES and NO buttons to not seem like a robot?

I’m not a robot; otherwise the buttons would be marked with 1 or 0. Or would a robot use YES and NO buttons to not seem like a robot? Negative! Abort! Abort!

Hey y’all, let’s check out my simplest feelings about some upcoming film announcements.

YES!
Kevin Smith has decided to go ahead and make Clerks III. It’s a little sooner than his “every ten years” speculation (Clerks II was released in 2006), but he must have some good ideas about what Dante and Randall have been up to. I’m guessing that at least one of them has started a family. I’m hoping it doesn’t become Clerks 3D. (article)

YES!
Because nobody was asking for it, Edward Woodward’s 1985 TV series, The Equalizer, is getting adapted for the big screen. It’s basically about a one-man A-Team that equalizes situations for the underdogs… that pay him. Denzell Washington is set to star; even better, Drive’s director Nicholas Winding Refn will helm. (article)

NO!
Why in the world would anyone want to remake Jumanji? Sure, the special effects weren’t the greatest, but it was 1995 after all. How about just a Special Edition re-release? (article)

NO!
I might be more excited about a Fantastic Four reboot if Disney/Marvel was in charge instead of 20th Century Fox. Well, maybe not. It is just the Fantastic ~~Bore~~ Four. (article)

NO!
Didn’t see the first live-action, Johnny Depp weird-fest, Alice in Wonderland; won’t see the second live-action, Johnny Depp weird-fest, Alice in Wonderland II. (article)

HELL YES!
God has apparently changed his mind. Ghostbusters III is a go! (article)

HELL NO!
The Bill Murray story was a hoax! (article)

A Handful Of… Font Changes, Plus Something Sort Of Exciting!

Posted on November 28, 2012 by sgottahurt

I don’t find this particularly exciting, so I’m not sure why I’m writing about it. This probably has more to deal with the fact that I noticed the odd trend, and I want to share it with you. As you mill over the new logos of three companies, take notice of how similar their new fonts are. While you’re doing that, I think of a way to spice this blog entry up…

Okay… I’ve had moments to think. Howzabout we try this:

A HANDFUL OF… TERRIBLE BOARD GAMES FOR KIDS

Hot Dog in a Hallway – It’s similar to Hungry, Hungry Hippos, except you shoot Tic Tac-sized plastic hot dogs down a motorized hallway playset that has moving walls like in the movie Labyrinth. Whoever gets the most hot dogs down their hallway wins!
Last Call – It’s like the game of Life, except your goal is score someone’s number before the clock hits 2:00 am!
Happy Endings – It’s like Candyland, except you’re on the interstate freeway system, looking for illicit massage parlors. Don’t get stuck in the Lot Lizard pit!
Bed Bugs – It’s like – oh… yeah, this exists.
Othello – It’s like Reversi, except you change the name because:

The name was selected as a reference to the Shakespearean play Othello, the Moor of Venice, referencing the conflict between the Moor Othello and Iago, who describes himself as “two-faced” and more controversially, to the unfolding drama between Othello, who is black, and Desdemona, who is white. The green color of the board is inspired by the image of the general Othello, valiantly leading his battle in a green field [or because jealousy is the green-eyed monster – Ed.]. It can also be likened to a jealousy competition (jealousy being the central theme in Shakespeare’s play), since players engulf the pieces of the opponent, thereby turning them to their possession (via Wikipedia)…

Well, that saves me the hassle of Photoshopping those games!

*dusts off hands*

Happy Finds… The Triforce And A Hula Hoop

Posted on November 27, 2012 by sgottahurt

Video games and hula hoops might be considered childish things.

But what about a fake movie trailer based on a video game and a mesmerizing mellow dance routine using a hula hoop?

You’re not reading this anyway. You’re looking at the videos, right? I can say anything I want here, and I’m going to take full advantage of that. I sometimes daydream about getting lick-attacked by, like, a dozen puppies.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Throwing Things At The Wall And See What Sticks Edition

Posted on October 3, 2012 by sgottahurt

I don’t know where to begin with this post. Which one gets the coveted title of The Shit and which gets Just Shitty. I guess I’ll just GoJo with my gut since that’s where it’s all made…

THE SHIT (FIGURATIVELY LITERAL)

This is a real company’s website. I only found out about it by passing a truck bearing its logo on the freeway. I don’t care what they make. (I don’t know what they make.)

Butt they’re ad campaign is ASS… THE ORIGINAL, and I couldn’t ass-k for more (check it out here):

Mind, meet gutter. Ass, meet end of arm tooling.

THE SHIT (LITERALLY FIGURATIVE)

Is this product a bad idea? Or worse yet, is it a great idea?

The GoJo Hands Free seems like something out of the past. But in this case, the past is only like three years ago…

JUST SHITTY

Speaking of (more than three) years ago, aren’t these songs horribly dated? I didn’t like them then, so I definitely don’t like them now:

Sugar’s Helpless

Dinosaur Jr’s Feel the Pain

(SIDENOTE: Perhaps I don’t hate them as much as I thought if I chose to remember to write about how much I hate them. That’s tantamount to writing a letter to Santa Claus to tell him you don’t believe in him.)

Drunken Recollection… Urban Dictionary Wars

Posted on September 13, 2012 by sgottahurt

Last time I tried to do this, I didn’t get in (that’s what she said). It’s probably because I mentioned Thundercats and the redickuless Rob Dyrdek.

In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, allow me to reiterate. One of my friends from soccer has about nine posts on Urban Dictionary; I wanted as many or more. It turns out I’m burned out from trying. I will give him credit though – he said he tried many as well, but it wasn’t until he got into the 12-year-old pervert boy mindset that he hit his stride.

So my latest (and last) attempt is this:

1. when a dude has unprotected sex and immediately after regrets not putting a condom on. 2. When the one getting boned realizes there is no latex (or sheepskin if you're over 50) betwixt you both, you can exclaim "I condomeant to!" FRIEND 1: Man, this chick I was banging was in her ketchup phase... I totally condomeant to after that discovery. FRIEND 2: At least she wasn't in the "must-turd" phase.

That’s the lowest this highbrow can go.

Here ‘s hoping (for no real good particular reason). As for the other five of my compiled entries (including the above mentioned “ketchup phase“), click here. Maybe by the time you do, condomeant will be on that list.

(SIDENOTE: My favorite entry is kidstipated BTW, but it took three tries to get it on. The one I gave up on was mustard phase. I was only trying to get that on for the above joke, so I shoehorned it in. See it’s definition below…)

mustard phase

1) After eating a lot of unhealthy food – let’s say chili cheese hot dogs – there’s a sense of urgency to reach the bathroom that grows exponentially until you reach the porcelain throne

2) The phase when you “must turd” ASAP

DUDE 1: We gotta get out of this ballpark stat! My rectum is launching into full mustard phase, and these restrooms are packed!

DUDE 2: Just use a trash bin.

The Silver Lining… Gross Microscopic Creatures Sometimes Aren’t As Gross As You Think

Posted on September 11, 2012 by sgottahurt

My gut tells me to deplore this creature, but my heart tells me otherwise.

I hate microscopic creatures. The macroscopic creep me out. But Tardigrades might have changed my mind. And not just because they’re called waterbears or moss piglets, which make them sound cute…

Awesome Battle… Which VHS Acid Trip Do You Prefer?

Posted on July 31, 2012 by sgottahurt

Who am I kidding? These are both great. So it’s an Awesome Battle that ends in total win!

(SIDENOTE: I miss you, Everything is Terrible… I promise not stay away so long ever again!)

THINGS TO WATCH FOR:

Rosemarie Lombardi when she was 36 and loving wind in her face.*
Rodney enjoying a time out to talk with the ladies.
Mike Douglas on a skateboard.
Elliott Gould on a swing.
Priscilla and John – two lovers that never found Plymouth Rock.
Beer enriched shampoo!
Leonard Nimoy with a human head (Vincent Van Gogh?) replica for some reason.
The late Ernest Borgnine loving stamps.
Sonny Bono and his Sonny Clone-o’s.
Bruce Jenner with his old face and an old Minolta camera.
A clown on the phone.
Hizzoner?
An interesting reveal by Della Reese.

*I don’t know who Rosemarie Lomobardi is either.

Happy Find… Me Wanty! Me Wanty!

Posted on July 17, 2012 by sgottahurt

Ever hear about 3D printing?

This particular product is called the Solidoodle 2, and it “printed” that plastic skull!

It “printed” this castle!

What will I do with such a product, you may wonder. I’ll “print” frickin’ toys! That I made up! How cool is that?!

Hibbidy-Wah?! Those Are Some Good Questions About “Prometheus” (SPOILERS)

Posted on June 18, 2012 by sgottahurt

If you haven’t seen Ridley Scott’s Prometheus and you’re planning to, don’t watch this video.

If you’ve already seen it, and didn’t even ask yourself a few of these questions, heaven (which apparently is full of Space Jockeys) help you.

I applaud sci-fi films that take a less-is-more stance. My biggest problem with this film was all the on-the-nose dialogue. But I have to admit, it sure was pretty… unlike the above reviewers.

Drunken Recollection… I Couldn’t Wait For Urban Dictionary’s Approval

Posted on June 15, 2012 by sgottahurt

Where’s the Urban Thesaurus?

As I mentioned in my last post, over some drunken conversation, the subject of dirty slang terms and phrases ~~came up~~ ~~arose~~ happened. And mind you – women were present and one provided this first term that was not on Urban Dictionary. I was happy to submit it, but I’m still awaiting their final approval. You can check for it maybe one day soon, but allow me to present:

THUMBERCATS

Thumbercats Ho, indeed.

This second one is an idea I’ve kicked around for a while, so may it one day find infamy on the UD:

REDICKULESS

I’m ashamed to admit I created this definition.

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